Finally Got Back Into A Shop

My daughter was at home last week, and we had planned to go shopping for christmas together. I couldn’t get into one shop and Chloe even had to do my food shopping for me, so we didnt get our christmas shopping done. Chloe did what she could and was very understanding about the whole thing.

But, I am happy to say that I made it into 3 shops on Friday that I could park right in front of, and today I made it into 2 more shops, one of them a toy wharehouse - as if getting into the shop wasn’t hard enough I had to put up with hundreds of parents with laden arms and their kids running amok. I started to panic when I was in line waiting to pay, but managed to breathe my way through it. The one thing I kept on thinking about was Marie coping to get straight back into a shop after a major panic attack. Thanks Marie, for your distant support

I can’t believe that it has taken 3 weeks for me to start getting back on track after the allergy attack. I have been reading a book “Who Turned Off My Brain?” written by psychologist, and she explains exactly what happens in our brain with negative (and positive) thoughts and how the Panic Attack starts off, and how all of this affects the rest of body, its a very intersting read. Anyway, she has a theory that allergies can start after long term stress, panic attacks etc and why the body and mind reacts to stimuli the way it does when its something you were not allergic to prior to the onset of mental health illness.

So here is hoping I can get the rest of the christmas presents I still need to buy

Sister’s Visit

My sister flew in from the country the other day, and luckily I don’t live far from the Airport, since I don’t have a car at them moment.

So I got a bus to the airport for 8 o’clock when she said she was flying in, but unknown to me she had meant that she left at eight. After reading the flight info and seeing she wasn’t in till 9 o’clock I went and read the blurb on just about every book in the bookshop, so now I know what is worth reading.

I was pretty anxious, but I knew I couldn’t go and leave her there, not knowing where I’d be, and the bookshop was a great distraction and that part of the airport was really quiet which I was very grateful for..

Finally she landed and we came home and had a great day together, it was so good to catch up without the kids around and just be sisters again. We didn’t do anything special just hung out and ate, and it was a perfect day.

So I’ve caught the bus now, just need a few more practices before the 7th of August.

Ruby

1. Louise on July 23rd, 2007 11:58 pm

   Ruby,

   What’s happening on the 7th August? (apart from my ex-boyfriend’s birthday, synchronicity at it’s best!).

   Thanks for your comment. Your lastest post brought me out in a cold sweat just reading it. My goodness, a bus and then an adjustment of waiting time would have had me asking a complete stranger to wait with a placard saying ‘Are you Ruby’s sister’ whilst I went and hid in a box somewhere. You are really good, especially with using the book blurbs as a distraction. That takes extraordinary strength of mind.

   Does it get easier doing it more and more? I know if you don’t run and get to the other side of doing something, it doesn’t reinforce it and has a desensitising effect, I just want to hear it from a normal person, not someone who wrote a book about it!

   Splendid work! I hope you and your sister have a great time catching up.

   xoxox

2. Sarah on July 24th, 2007 1:52 am

   **CONGRATS** for getting the bus. I know only too well about Mr Avoidence, but you did really good in getting on it and waiting in the airport

   WELL DONE…
   You show me that it is entirely possible to fight panic.

   Sarah♥

3. Ruby on July 25th, 2007 11:29 pm

   Louise
   The 7th is when I am supposed to catch 4 buses within 3 hours and see the psych, I don’t know that I will be ready for that big step.
   Yes it does get easier each time, it gives you proof that you wont die in the most horriblest (new word:)) way in public. Its weird, but I can do more if I am doing it for someone else, as where if I had to go the airport for me it wouldn’t have happened. I think that is another strange pattern learnt in childhood, that I am not as important as others.

   Also I find that it is sometimes 2 steps forward and 1 step back, but I suppose that is to be expected dealing with anxiety and panic attacks. Avoidance definitely doesn’t help at all, but it feels much better

   Thanks for your support too that really helps as well.

   Ruby xx

4. Ruby on July 25th, 2007 11:35 pm

   Thanks Sarah
   Yes it is possible, though not always easy (read reply above). Its lots of perseverance (and avoidance for me).

   I haven’t done much lately as its been raining every day, but not as much as England, its so sad to see the news of floods.

   Thanks for your support too Sarah, its such a nice feeling having people that understand, supporting achievements and backwards steps.

Getting Back on Track - Again

Because of the pain I was in last week I spent most of it in bed or on the lounge, and my sleeping pattern of course suffered, but the pain is gone now and I’m back to getting up at 5am and having brekky with Rory before he goes to work. I am still only sleeping in 4 or 5 hour blocks, but I am trying to stay awake for the whole day and get back into sleeping 8 hours again.

I have walked up to the corner shop twice this week, which was a great achievement and I even managed it without having a major panic attack. It was definitely not enjoyable, but it was nice to be out in the sun. I haven’t walked anywhere for such a long time, it was very scary, but I took on board the achievement of walking to the bus stop and used that to get through each step. I am going to walk up there every couple of days till it becomes a ‘normal’ activity.

I have planted about half of my natives and and I can’t wait till the grow..hmmm, will probably need a bit of patience for that one. My dog loves to dig up seedlings and chew on the roots, but she has only dug up one so far, and I hope that will be all she does…I can hope I haven’t checked the garden today yet…so fingers crossed.

1. Louise on July 17th, 2007 3:38 pm

   Hello Ruby!

   Thank you for visiting me and linking me! I feel absolutely honoured! I’m currently off work at the moment with sciatica so I can sympathise a bit on the pain front. I had been taking a codeine based painkiller that had a large amount of caffeine in it to prevent lethargy, forgetting that caffeine is panic’s best friend!! So I’ve decided to go cold turkey (Paracetamol doesn’t touch it) and put my feet up ’til it’s gone!

   Fantastic about your daily walks to the bus stop! What breed of dog do you have there?

   I shall visit again soon! xoxox

2. Ruby on July 17th, 2007 6:16 pm

   Your welcome Louise, us nutters have to stick together. I loved your writing style and quirky humour.
   Sciatica….ouch, I’m allergic to codeine, it makes me totally loose it. I take a pain killer called “Di-gesic” which is stronger than paracetamol but no spin outs for me.

   Shandi’s mum is an Australian Silky Terrier and her dad is Maltese/Shitzu, she is a lovely ball of fluff, a real lapdog. She is just on two so is starting to loose some of those horrid puppy traits. I have often thought of putting up a picture page, but as you I don’t have any interesting pics, I suppose I could photoshop myself into pics with interesting people hehehe.

   Hope you start feeling better soon

   Ruby

3. Sarah on July 17th, 2007 8:32 pm

   Hi there..

   A BIG fat well done for walking to the shop! It’s so hard getting back into the swing of things after illness, flipping heck, i’ve been failing at that for 8 months now.

   Hope you feel better soon

   Sarah♥

4. Rubyon July 17th, 2007 11:29 pm

   Thanks heaps Sarah
   Yes its not an easy road, I cant remember the last time I walked up to the shops, its been over a year that’s for sure.
   We will get there…eventually.

   Ruby

5. Louise on July 20th, 2007 12:38 am

   Hello Ruby

   Do you find it easier to go further when Shandi is with you? I read something about ‘involvement shields’ on an interesting article -

   http://www.lancs.ac.uk/fass/ihr/staff/documents/livingwithagoraphobia.pdf

   After reading this article I realised that people are my problem, not the surroundings. Like, if I was invisible, I wouldn’t be agoraphobic. I’d never thought that before.

   Am currently looking on ebay for a reasonably priced invisibility cloak. I’ll let you know…

   xoxox

6. Ruby on July 21st, 2007 11:59 am

   Yes I do Louise, I think too that its the invisibility thing, if Shandi is with me I don’t feel that I am focused on. I am trying to change my thinking to that people probably don’t give a hoot anyway.

   I had a brief look through the pdf, I’ll read it through properly later today, but I believe that my thought patterns came from Mum who was always saying “what will people think”.

   Crazy how we get programmed and how it affects us.

   Thanks for the link

   If you find that cloak let me know….

   Ruby

7. Louise on July 22nd, 2007 1:30 am

   My grandparents who had the most part of bringing me up were anxious. Very nice people but not very gutsy. I can imagine they would say “what will people think” to me too. It’s along those lines anyway. Totally relate to what you’re saying. Also suffered terribly from homesickness when a child. Funny but tragic - my mum/nan/grandad would leave me (at my insistance) at a friend’s house to stay the night and go home and sit by the phone with their coat on waiting for the inevitable call! haha.

   Won’t be posting much for the while, I’ve just split up with my boyfriend. No problem, I’m just going to gather my broken thoughts for a while.

   Much love xoxoxox

Shopping Centre for Two Hours

My tasks for this week from the psych was to make myself do things that I don’t want to do and haven’t been able to do for a long time. I was going to go shopping yesterday at the local small supermarket.
So I decided to start my task and go the shopping centre and shop at Coles. I planned to be in and out very quickly as I would cope better that way. I went in to the centre and using my breathing and CBT realised that I was not feeling as bad as I thought I would, so I decided to go into a couple of the smaller shops that I haven’t looked in for over a year. It went so well that I went in and looked at a lot of shops as well as going into a few boutiques and tried clothes on. I must admit it felt really good to shop for clothes again….its been such a long time. I only bought a couple of items but had a good time.
After all this I went and did my food shopping and that went well too. It’s amazing that I could stay in the shopping centre by myself for a few hours without the feeling of having to run out. Desensitisation really works in building up confidence each time a task is done, as well as transference from other tasks achieved.
I took on board that I need to be proud of my achievements and when I picked up Rory, I bragged about my achievements to him and he was happy with what I had done too. It felt weird bragging, but it also made me feel good and confident.
I am going to think of something to do over the weekend that will push the boundaries

Five More Bus Trips

I have been on the bus five times since my last post. Thursday morning I didn’t feel as nauseous as Wednesday nor did I feel the need to go the toilet, but still didn’t feel comfortable and was very glad when I arrived at work. On the way home I had to stop off at the shops and get a couple of things which is about half way home (the whole trip is 9km), which meant that I then had to get another bus from the shops to home, for the 5km to the shops I tried thinking up lots of different options of getting to the shops, unfortunately there were none and I knew I had to get off. I also had to walk about 700m to get the shopping centre, which was hell, being in the open like that, I kept up the breathing and positive self talk. I quickly grabbed what I had to and returned to the bus stop where I had to wait 15mins for the next bus, but I was happier at the bus stop then having stayed in the shopping centre, the better of two evils. I got home after dark and walked home very quickly as I don’t feel safe walking at night.
Friday morning I felt OK about walking to the bus, but once I got on I felt a huge wave of panic overwhelming me as well as a strong feeling of having diarrhoea, I decided that I would get off at the next stop, once at the next stop I kept telling myself that I had to get to work and I knew that if I got off I would be feeding my anxiety for the next time. Then I decided that I would stay on the bus till I could absolutely not handle it any more, at each stop I had to stop myself getting of the bus and eventually made it to work, it was a terrible trip. Luckily there are never many people on my bus which makes me a bit more comfortable.
During work I tried praising myself for my achievement but the memory of the crappy trip kept overriding. I thought about catching a taxi home as I didn’t want to risk another horrible ride. By the time home time came I had talked myself into taking the bus because I knew if I didn’t then I would be taking a step back in my progress and I really don’t want to do that. When I left it was pouring with rain and I had a 15 minute wait at the stop, but I made it home with medium anxiety.
Thank God its the weekend and I can take a break from the bus and the anxiety and worry about it I really hate agoraphobia and panic attacks!!!!!
Ruby

1. Robert on June 27th, 2007 7:04 am
   
   Hi Ruby!
   I haven’t been online for over a week…and look how far you’ve come on!!!!!
   If your back is not pleasantly throbbing from much patting on it…it should be!!!
   Now you’re going down that road to recovery - at quite a pace - don’t look back :0)
   As always, I send my best wishes to you.
   Robert
   
   
   
2. Ruby on June 27th, 2007 5:56 pm
   
   Hi Robert
   Yes, I have come some way, and I HAVE to start patting myself on the back, I keep saying “its only because…..” my psych told me off for not owning my accomplishments and to start congratulating myself, which I am trying to do now.
   I think I’m scared to make a big deal out of it, in case it all comes crumbling down again. But I need to appreciate what I’ve achieved each day for that day and not thinking of the future.
   Looking forward to a sore back
   
   
   

I Survived The Bus! And Made It Home Too

I did it!!! My anxiety rose very quickly once I got out onto the street, and I started to focus on keeping my breathing at a good rate. I had to wait for 7 mins at the stop, luckily an elderly lady came to the stop who loved to have a chat which kept me distracted.
Once on the bus I started feeling very nauseous straight away I tried very hard not too focus on that feeling, normally I would focus on it until I started a panic attack, it worked on and off and had bouts of the nausea. I had to work on my breathing for the whole trip which at times was really hard and I felt exhausted by the time I got too work. One of my symptoms of my anxiety is the feeling that I am going to “wet” myself and that was constant for the whole trip, I had taken precaution and wore a incontenance pad, I did not need it, but it was a comfort to know I was covered.
On the trip home I felt a lot better, though did not enjoy the trip I had to focus on my breathing rate, and felt like I needed to go to the toilet, but did not feel nauseous . Hopefully that means that each trip is going to get easier every day.
My psychiatrist told me that I don’t appreciate my achievements enough, so for this one I am very proud of myself of completing this task. Now I am about to head off to do it all again…
Ruby

1. Sarah on June 21st, 2007 4:37 pm
   
   Hi..
   I’ve just recently started reading your blog and as an agoraphobic myself (currently in the midst of a pretty poopy relapse) i found this post very inspirational.
   Well done for making that bus ride. Public transport for me right now is a completely no-no, i can barely get in a car
   Anyway…i look forward in reading more of your blog.
   Sarah♥
   
   
   
2. Ruby on June 21st, 2007 7:48 pm
   
   Hi Sarah
   Welcome to my blog, I’m glad you got inspired. Relapses are terrible, I’ve had plenty of them over the years too - I feel for you.
   Its the baby steps that are important, and panic is not bigger than you, that’s just where people who suffer this horrible illness, put it.
   Ruby
   
   
   
3. Leonora on October 29th, 2008 6:00 am
   
   Well said.
   
   
   

Going Great

Its Wednesday night and things have been going great in the way that I feel, its getting better every day. I saw the psychologist on Monday and we went further into the CBT there is so much more to it than meets the eye, if you don’t get it right then it wont benefit so focused on the differences with thoughts and emotions and the tasks we set up was for me to walk to the corner and back either by myself or with my dog, I haven’t ventured to the corner yet but have gone to the letterbox one more time. Just the thought of walking to the corner makes me so anxious and overwhelmed, that I just try to not think of it, I really don’t know if it is something I am ready to take on at this time, but I will try and see how I go.
Then I had an appointment with the psychiatrist to check how the new medication is going, and he is happy with the outcome, so I wont need to see him again.
Because of the psychiatrist appointment I missed the GROW meeting, but I went along to have coffee with them after the meeting, that was nice, but I mainly went so I kept in the habit of going each Monday.
Yesterday I rearranged the furniture in the house, to give me and my son some more privacy when he has his friends over. I moved the TV out of my bedroom and set it up in the dining room for me to make the bedroom for sleeping only and so I don’t have to be cooped up in my bedroom.
Today I cordoned off a section of the garden to keep my succulents in as the dog likes to dig up small plants, its looking pretty good I think. I made it big enough so I can keep my seedlings etc there as well.
Ruby

1. Robert on May 24th, 2007 9:20 am
   
   Hi Ruby -
   Just checking up on you & you’re still doing well!
   The CBT is helping, I’m sure; but it’s your real desire to change that’s pushing you forward. I really believe you’ve got what it takes to succeed!
   Still rootin’ for you…
   Robert
   
   
   
2. Ruby on May 25th, 2007 5:24 pm
   
   Thanks Robert
   Yes that is true I do have a desire to change, but I don’t think I could do it without the tools I am learning so its probably 50/50.
   It’s easy to expand on the things that you have been doing, but the stuff that I haven’t done for years and years are going to be the biggest hurdles.
   I am not so confident about those, but I shouldn’t jinx myself….
   
   
   

The Letterbox

While I was still floating about the achievement at the restaurant, I decided to tackle the task the psych had set for me, which was to walk out to the letterbox.
I always checked it driving in the units driveway to avoid having to walk out there, I was so concerned about what the neighbours would think if I had a panic attack while walking, that I have avoided for a year now, so after all morning psyching myself up and using the CBT and breathing skills off I went (I did wait till everyone was indoors) and I completed my first task, I focused on my breathing the whole time so I wouldn’t start the panic cycle (and then there was no mail in there anyway, which made the effort seem useless). When I got back inside I gave a huge relief breath and had a mild panic attack. But I made it and faced my agoraphobia head on, which is the main thing.
Because winter is setting in, I am crocheting my little lapdog a jumper (she hates the cold) so I can take her for walks up to the corner. I haven’t walked anywhere for so many years, I can’t even remember the last time. So I will master the letterbox before I start on this one.
I used to get newsletters from Stephen Price who is a recovered agoraphobic himself and is currently studying his doctorate in psychology. He is going to write a book on the subject, and he is using a blog to get others input as well, have a look at his blog and website, I have links to both on here, Blog: Panic Disorder Book Project and Website: Agoraphobia Resource Centre
Ruby

1. Robert on May 20th, 2007 9:19 am
   
   
   Hi Ruby -
   Congratulations on your trip to the restaurant. And to the letterbox. You seem to be getting more confident. I hope it continues!
   Robert
   
   
   
   
2. Ruby on May 20th, 2007 12:59 pm
   
   
   Thanks Robert
   Yes, so do I. It definitely gave me confidence to know I am capable, but it all depends on how I feel on the day but I can’t praise the breathing and CBT enough it has made a huge difference.
   Ruby
   
   
   
   

Mother’s Day Dinner

Well I did it!!!!! Yeeeha!!!! I’m pretty pleased with myself, didn’t think I would last out the meal before I had to go racing off outside to have a panic attack.
Chloe and her boyfriend came and picked up Rory and me and we headed of into the city, by this time I had worked myself up to a mild anxiety. We parked further away from the restaurant than I would’ve liked, but I kept quiet and focused on the conversation to distract myself. When we got there it was very full so we asked to sit at the back, away from the throng of people and serving tables, it was a smorgasbord and I had walk up to the serving tables for each course, which I didn’t find as anxious as I thought. We had a really nice time and lots of laughs. There was a few times I felt my anxiety rising, but I practised my skills before it got too out of hand and I was able to keep it manageable.
Walking back to the car I got fairly anxious as the car was not in sight of the restaurant, I kept distracting myself with the conversations going on, and again I made it fine with only one mild panic attack.
When I got home I couldn’t sleep for a few hours as I was so overfull from all the great food. But I got to sleep at a reasonable hour and woke up around 8 this morning.
I keep negating my ability by thinking that it was only because I was with my family, but then I give myself a stern talking to, to remind myself that it was me who managed it…no one else.
Thanks for a lovely evening kids.
Ruby

1. Stephen Price on May 16th, 2007 10:56 pm
   
   Ruby,
   You are a good writer and share the experiences of an agoraphobic well. You probably aready know this, but I had to give myself credit every little victory no matter how small. There were times during my days as an agoraphobic that I could not even have done what you describe on this post. - Stephen
   
   
   
2. Ruby on May 17th, 2007 12:47 pm
   
   Hi Stephen
   It is so hard to give ourselves credit, we minimise our achievements so well. When agoraphobia kicked in this time around, I was not able to leave my house for 3 months months, I had an acquaintance to buy a huge shop that lasted me for that time, then I had to make myself get up to the corner shop to buy a couple of things at a time, as I didn’t have any support, and wanting to eat is a good motivator… When my son came to live with me 2 months later I found I could be his taxi service (on a good day). I still only leave the house when I really have to, which is about twice a week, and it takes me half the day to psych myself into it.
   I wish I could’ve started this blog at the beginning as I have found it very helpful dissecting my days.
   Now I can do things with other people but not on my own, but I am slowly regaining my life bit by bit. I have avoided so many situations for the last 19 years that there are some things that may stay that way, but if I can get back to being employable I will be happy with that for now.
   I really feel for people that have been housebound for years, I am such an independent (or maybe stubborn)person, because I had overcome it to some degree once before, I knew that eventually I would do it again with the right skills in place. There is still a long road ahead of me, but with programs like yours, which was a great help to me in itself but also the realisation that I am not alone.
   Good luck with your book, you have so much information on this subject, I am really looking forward to the end result.