Medication Change

I saw the doctor a couple of weeks ago and he decided that we should up my medication from 10mg to 20mg. I have been doing really well lately, no panic attacks at all, but still haven't been able to go to social events or shopping centres. So he thinks that by upping the dose it will move me forward, lets hope so...

So on Saturday I was at work, happily doing my bit, then all of a sudden my whole upper body was tingling full on, even my tongue! Of course this made me panic and I was a total mess, I tried all my strategies for overcoming the panic, but nothing worked. Which of course made the panic even worse as I figured there must be something really really wrong. I ended up leaving work, phoned my sister to talk to me and try help calm me down, came home to bed and stayed there till Sunday lunchtime, the whole time this tingling was there.

By late Sunday it had eased a lot but was still over my face and mouth and tongue. I had done some research on Saturday on the side affects of raising the dosage and found that this could be a side affect which calmed me somewhat to know that it was normal.

Monday I went to the docs just to check that everything was ok, he said that it was only a 'mild' side affect.... didn't feel to mild to me at the time hehe. I went back to work on Tuesday and everything went well but found by late last night it was getting worse, due to being tired I imagine. This morning it was almost all gone and by lunchtime I could not feel a thing, but now a bit has come back around my mouth.... must be getting tired... I'll be glad when the first two weeks are up and I can hopefully start to see if it is going to make a noticeable difference.

Gallbladder finally gone :)

Finally had my gallbladder removed on June 24th through keyhole surgery, everything went well and was home the following day.

Had some pain, but not enough to worry about painkillers, just lots of rest. Couldn't walk very well for the first week, and had to have 4 weeks of work.

I can't explain how great it is to know that I will never have another gallbladder attack, they are the worst things imaginable, hours and hours of excruciating pain. Still have to be aware of what I eat but for digestive reasons now.

Such A Great Feeling To Achieve Small Steps

I am getting rather worried about my specialist visit on the 26th, I hope I can manage it all ok as I really want to get this stuff sorted. A good friend is coming up from down south to come in with me, and I am really looking forward to seeing her as I haven’t seen her in ages.

On a good note, work told me that I had to go for a manual handling training for 2 hours last week, I freaked when she told me, luckily I had explained my agoraphobia to them at the first interview, so I told her my fears. This training has to updated each year for competency and I new I had to go, my supervisor called the facilitator for me and explained my situation.

I thought up all sorts of excuses of why I could not attent, but in the end I knew I had to at least try, so off I went!! I spoke to the facilitator when I arrived and she was happy for me to leave when I needed to. I think that just knowing I would not make a fool of myself by leaving early took away a lot of the anxiety. The session was for 2 hours and I stayed for 1.5 I was pretty pleased with myself. It also helped that it was in a small building with windows everywhere, and doors open to a courtyard.

A friend called me earlier this week and told me that I had to go into a small supermarket that is located right on the street and buy just one thing and then report back. I was quite put out by the demand, but appreciated the push at the same time. So on Friday after my shift I went in planning to buy something that was located at the front of the shop, I felt pretty good considering, so I made my way down the first aisle, by the time I got to the check out I had 12 items, I really surprised myself!! I started getting anxious and kept doing my breathing on the way to the check out, and was really really glad to be out when I got to the car, but I did it.

I go through such waves of emotions about getting over this, I get so sick of climbing this bloody hill only to fall off the other side (eventually - sometimes years, sometimes months) that I think I am better of staying where I am, each time before I have pushed myself hard to getting better but this time I feel like I’m so sick of fighting for nothing. But then days in the last week happen and I get a shot of positiveness to go on and fight again.

2008 - The Short Version

Gosh its been hard to think of whats been happening in the past year, I can barely remember what I did yesterday

I finished up at the night shift job as they were cutting down on staff, and then I went back working in Aged Care in a Nursing Home. It was very hard there having to speak with staff every day and find something interesting to talk about - since I do nothing! But I loved the work. After 6 weeks I started being nauseous every day (not from anxiety) and had to leave. But of course these symptoms made my body think I was having regular panic attacks again, and I went down hill very quickly.

I went for tests and found out that I had gall stones, but my doctor thought it was something else causing the nausea and pain so he wanted me to have an endoscopy to check for gastric reflux. But I couldn’t make it in to have the test, after being housebound again for 4 months I finally got the courage up to go in. There was no major damage there, so now I have to go in for further tests on my gallstones - in a much bigger hospital - so not sure how that is going to work, the appointment is on March 26.

I have found another job in Aged Care working part time in the community assisting the elderly at home with personal care, I am managing this fine, as there is no building I’m stuck in all day, just driving to each persons home and assisting for up to an hour, then back in my car - My Refuge Have been there for 2 months now, and still going strong.

I still can’t get into shops, offices etc but found last week a home delivery service for food shopping which is great (actually probably not great, as it is just using my great avoidance skills even more) but haven’t been into other shops for the whole year besides a small church food shop, local butcher and greengrocer that are not in a shopping centre, and these only on a good day.

Being a hermit at the best of times probably doesn’t help matters either, as I do not have any great inner urgency to get out into the big wide world.

Overall I feel much better now that I am working again, at least it gets me out of the house for a few hours each weekday. The rest of the time I pretty much do next to nothing. Actually that is not totally true, I have been recording free audio books for a site called “Librivox” and that has been great. They only record books in the public domain, so have taken part in some great golden oldies

I don’t want to bore you too much with my non activity over these months, so I will leave it here for now.

Its great to back online

Ruby

1. SARAH on February 26th, 2009 12:49 am

   I am SOOOOO happy you’re back

   x

2. coffeecup on February 26th, 2009 10:06 am

   Fabulous that you’re back!!! You were truly missed. We do worry what happens when folks stop writing, but to find you returned in such good spirits Ruby, is wonderful.
   

3. Ruby on February 26th, 2009 10:39 am

   Thanks guys

   Its great to be welcomed back so nicely. I’m really glad to be back.

Sickness Benefit

I got a call today from Centrelink to say that if I wanted to receive any further unemployment/sickness benefit I would have to do another mental health assessment with them.

I am so glad that I have this job now so I don’t have to worry about telling them all the ins and outs of my life any more, and report to them every couple of months with updates from the doctor. I realise that they require all this but it is such an invasion of privacy.

Doctor & Psychologist

I have finally found a new doctor after one year of wanting to. It is such a relief to have made that move and to see a doctor who is actually proactive in assisting me in getting better. I have only had the need to see him a couple of times so far but I am very happy with his service.

I saw my psychologist for the last time two weeks ago, because of the mental health back log in Australia I was only to get ten visits but was lucky enough (or sick enough) to get fifteen. It was definitely a great help seeing her for this time, but feel I still have a long way to go before I am back to normal (whatever normal is…).

I am now having problems with social situations since I haven’t been in any for a year and a half now, so I am hoping that practice will heal that one, but I am not jumping in trying to get out there either. I am still happy just staying at home, not because of the agoraphobia but because I have no tolerance for people now. I have rejoined the GROW group on Mondays which was great to get back to again, and I am looking into other social groups that I can go to, but I haven’t found one that interests me yet. Now that I have my own transport I want to attempt to catch up with family again, that all live out of the city. I have lost touch with so many people since all this started this time around, I am in two minds if their friendships were even worth anything in the first place since they haven’t made effort to contact me. I understand that some have their own issues with mental health, and others believe that I need to time to myself to get better, but I believe personally that it is fear that keeps people away as they don’t really understand what agoraphobia means.

My sleeping pattern is getting a bit better, I am generally sleeping between 5-6 hours a night, but because I need a good 8-9 hours to feel human, I am still having a nanna nap in the afternoons, but at least there is some sort of routine now rather than really erratic like it was before.

Well there is a break in the rain, so I am taking my dog for a nice walk.

Ruby

1. Aff on September 18th, 2007 3:31 am

   Just a quick note to say thanks for the link. I’ve linked you back and bookmarked the site.

   I’ll definitely be back

2. Ruby on September 19th, 2007 1:00 pm

   Hi Aff
   Thanks for coming by, see you soon

   Ruby

3. Robert on September 19th, 2007 7:33 pm

   Marie makes friends easily, but once they find out that there are many activities that she can’t share with them, most let the friendship lapse.

   However, a few have stuck by her. Quality is better than quantity!

   I’m sure that your approach to socialising is the correct one, and it will pay off in due course. Visiting family, even if they haven’t been keeping in touch as much as they could have, will help you hone your smalltalk and chitchat skills!

4. Ruby on September 21st, 2007 1:40 am

   Hi Robert,
   I don’t have problems making friends, but I hate making smalltalk and chitchat it bores me to tears. I am sure I should have been a man as I believe that if you haven’t got anything real to say then say nothing…lol, which is probably why most women don’t hang around, cause I am just not a woman
   I would rather sit round a table with blokes than women any time. But I agree with what your saying that you have to practice social skills to keep them up to scratch and there is an art to it for sure.

Finding a New Doctor

After getting up the gumption to find a new doctor, I finally had an appointment today. After being told I have to wait an hour…..yea right….I explained my circumstances with agoraphobia and anxiety and was told to wait outside and she would listen out for my name. So out I went, after 1/2 an hour, I luckily heard my name called while the door was open, (I’m glad she followed through ) I explained to the doctor that I was after a new Dr….his response was that it may not be that easy as they are a very busy practice, I held back on walking out….he wasn’t too bad but did not really take a proper history as I suppose he had to keep within his 10 minute to make his money. But I now have a new doctor where I have to wait up to an hour to see him and he doesn’t really want to get to the bottom of things…what is this world coming to?????
He did say that I had to start exercising though, the words I have been dreading, and to take a good vitamin B.
I have around 10 exercise DVD’s that I bought in the hope that they may inspire me, but they are still sitting in the TV cabinet, and my exercise ball is used at the computer, so stay tuned….