Another Birthday Gone

Another year has passed, and now I’m 46. Had a lovely time with Rory, Chloe and her boyfriend, we had a gourmet meat and cheese platter (my all time favourite) at Chloe’s house. Funny how birthdays mean less and less as time goes on, except the time spent with family.

I have made a resolution to start exercising regularly in some form or another, I have DVD’s that I enjoy working out to, and I want to do some more walking - once the rain lets up. I have to really get stuck into this as I am putting on too much weight sitting around the house, and Chloe is getting concerned that I wont be around to see her kids (when she has them) grow up. She also wants me to give up smoking, but I don’t think that will be happening any time soon, its the only vice I have

Another birthday gone…..I hope the next one I will be less agoraphobic.

Good Deed

A neighbour came and asked if I could drive her to the hospital last night as she had injured her arm, it turned out she had cracked her funny bone, OUCH. I did think of declining but thought that would be a bit rude, she knows that I don’t like people so she must’ve been desperate to come ask me in the first place hehehe.

I drove her there and went and visited my x in-laws as there was no way I was going to stay in the hospital (good old avoidance techniques), and they live just around the corner which I was very grateful for, and picked her up when she was finished.

Only my x mother in-law was at home and we had a great catch up, and she even offered to catch the bus and meet me halfway somewhere for a coffee to help me get out a bit. It brought tears to my eyes that she would do that for me, as there aren’t many people who offer to have a potentially ruined outing, even more so since I divorced her son. I’m going to call her next week to organise when we will meet up.

More Visitors From the Country!

A great friend of mine became a grandmother two days ago to a gorgeous little girl, and she and her son rocked up on my doorstep on Sunday night to stay while getting to know her new granddaughter.

I only get to see her a couple of times of year so it’s great to catch up face to face, Sunday night we stayed up and chatted till nearly 1 in the morning, Monday was a more reasonable hour of 11. Normally I feel uncomfortable talking with more than one person, but it was pretty cool and relaxed and I only felt anxious a few times, and they were at the hospital for most of the day on Monday.

Poor Rory didn’t get to sleep till 1 either as he was catching up with her son and the poor thing had to go to work on only 4 hours sleep, he was exhausted Monday after work and was asleep by 6.30 and got up to have dinner at 8.

Sister’s Visit

My sister flew in from the country the other day, and luckily I don’t live far from the Airport, since I don’t have a car at them moment.

So I got a bus to the airport for 8 o’clock when she said she was flying in, but unknown to me she had meant that she left at eight. After reading the flight info and seeing she wasn’t in till 9 o’clock I went and read the blurb on just about every book in the bookshop, so now I know what is worth reading.

I was pretty anxious, but I knew I couldn’t go and leave her there, not knowing where I’d be, and the bookshop was a great distraction and that part of the airport was really quiet which I was very grateful for..

Finally she landed and we came home and had a great day together, it was so good to catch up without the kids around and just be sisters again. We didn’t do anything special just hung out and ate, and it was a perfect day.

So I’ve caught the bus now, just need a few more practices before the 7th of August.

Ruby

1. Louise on July 23rd, 2007 11:58 pm

   Ruby,

   What’s happening on the 7th August? (apart from my ex-boyfriend’s birthday, synchronicity at it’s best!).

   Thanks for your comment. Your lastest post brought me out in a cold sweat just reading it. My goodness, a bus and then an adjustment of waiting time would have had me asking a complete stranger to wait with a placard saying ‘Are you Ruby’s sister’ whilst I went and hid in a box somewhere. You are really good, especially with using the book blurbs as a distraction. That takes extraordinary strength of mind.

   Does it get easier doing it more and more? I know if you don’t run and get to the other side of doing something, it doesn’t reinforce it and has a desensitising effect, I just want to hear it from a normal person, not someone who wrote a book about it!

   Splendid work! I hope you and your sister have a great time catching up.

   xoxox

2. Sarah on July 24th, 2007 1:52 am

   **CONGRATS** for getting the bus. I know only too well about Mr Avoidence, but you did really good in getting on it and waiting in the airport

   WELL DONE…
   You show me that it is entirely possible to fight panic.

   Sarah♥

3. Ruby on July 25th, 2007 11:29 pm

   Louise
   The 7th is when I am supposed to catch 4 buses within 3 hours and see the psych, I don’t know that I will be ready for that big step.
   Yes it does get easier each time, it gives you proof that you wont die in the most horriblest (new word:)) way in public. Its weird, but I can do more if I am doing it for someone else, as where if I had to go the airport for me it wouldn’t have happened. I think that is another strange pattern learnt in childhood, that I am not as important as others.

   Also I find that it is sometimes 2 steps forward and 1 step back, but I suppose that is to be expected dealing with anxiety and panic attacks. Avoidance definitely doesn’t help at all, but it feels much better

   Thanks for your support too that really helps as well.

   Ruby xx

4. Ruby on July 25th, 2007 11:35 pm

   Thanks Sarah
   Yes it is possible, though not always easy (read reply above). Its lots of perseverance (and avoidance for me).

   I haven’t done much lately as its been raining every day, but not as much as England, its so sad to see the news of floods.

   Thanks for your support too Sarah, its such a nice feeling having people that understand, supporting achievements and backwards steps.

Psych Visit

On Tuesday I was supposed to go see the psych again. We have changed our visits to fortnightly now that she has taught me all the skills to get me through my anxiety and avoidance.

I was looking forward to going as I felt that I needed to see her to get my pep talk, especially after leaving my job. I got as far as the bus stop and that was the end of it for me, the thought of having to catch four buses and just a couple of hours overwhelmed me way too much. So I walked back home and called her at my appointment time and we just talked over the phone for half an hour. I was glad that I was still able to talk to her, but disappointed that I couldn’t get to see her.

She says that I am going very well (in the scheme of things) and that I have got a lot further than we thought I would by now. I am putting in place all the skills to get me through some of my difficult situations though the anxiety gets the better of me at times, but it’s such a nice feeling to know that I can do some things now and the rest will hopefully follow suit over time. Its nice to have someone barracking for you, it gives you that extra bit of confidence.

We have made another appointment for 3 weeks time, and it’s my task to practice the bus more until then, so I can actually get there.

I haven’t had any reason to get on a bus as yet, and I know that I should just catch it anyway, but I hate doing something if there is no reason for it, like doing a round trip on a bus going nowhere when I know its going to cause anxiety and panic.

Suppose that its something I have to force myself to do, otherwise its just more avoidance, but that will be easier said than done.

Getting Back on Track - Again

Because of the pain I was in last week I spent most of it in bed or on the lounge, and my sleeping pattern of course suffered, but the pain is gone now and I’m back to getting up at 5am and having brekky with Rory before he goes to work. I am still only sleeping in 4 or 5 hour blocks, but I am trying to stay awake for the whole day and get back into sleeping 8 hours again.

I have walked up to the corner shop twice this week, which was a great achievement and I even managed it without having a major panic attack. It was definitely not enjoyable, but it was nice to be out in the sun. I haven’t walked anywhere for such a long time, it was very scary, but I took on board the achievement of walking to the bus stop and used that to get through each step. I am going to walk up there every couple of days till it becomes a ‘normal’ activity.

I have planted about half of my natives and and I can’t wait till the grow..hmmm, will probably need a bit of patience for that one. My dog loves to dig up seedlings and chew on the roots, but she has only dug up one so far, and I hope that will be all she does…I can hope I haven’t checked the garden today yet…so fingers crossed.

1. Louise on July 17th, 2007 3:38 pm

   Hello Ruby!

   Thank you for visiting me and linking me! I feel absolutely honoured! I’m currently off work at the moment with sciatica so I can sympathise a bit on the pain front. I had been taking a codeine based painkiller that had a large amount of caffeine in it to prevent lethargy, forgetting that caffeine is panic’s best friend!! So I’ve decided to go cold turkey (Paracetamol doesn’t touch it) and put my feet up ’til it’s gone!

   Fantastic about your daily walks to the bus stop! What breed of dog do you have there?

   I shall visit again soon! xoxox

2. Ruby on July 17th, 2007 6:16 pm

   Your welcome Louise, us nutters have to stick together. I loved your writing style and quirky humour.
   Sciatica….ouch, I’m allergic to codeine, it makes me totally loose it. I take a pain killer called “Di-gesic” which is stronger than paracetamol but no spin outs for me.

   Shandi’s mum is an Australian Silky Terrier and her dad is Maltese/Shitzu, she is a lovely ball of fluff, a real lapdog. She is just on two so is starting to loose some of those horrid puppy traits. I have often thought of putting up a picture page, but as you I don’t have any interesting pics, I suppose I could photoshop myself into pics with interesting people hehehe.

   Hope you start feeling better soon

   Ruby

3. Sarah on July 17th, 2007 8:32 pm

   Hi there..

   A BIG fat well done for walking to the shop! It’s so hard getting back into the swing of things after illness, flipping heck, i’ve been failing at that for 8 months now.

   Hope you feel better soon

   Sarah♥

4. Rubyon July 17th, 2007 11:29 pm

   Thanks heaps Sarah
   Yes its not an easy road, I cant remember the last time I walked up to the shops, its been over a year that’s for sure.
   We will get there…eventually.

   Ruby

5. Louise on July 20th, 2007 12:38 am

   Hello Ruby

   Do you find it easier to go further when Shandi is with you? I read something about ‘involvement shields’ on an interesting article -

   http://www.lancs.ac.uk/fass/ihr/staff/documents/livingwithagoraphobia.pdf

   After reading this article I realised that people are my problem, not the surroundings. Like, if I was invisible, I wouldn’t be agoraphobic. I’d never thought that before.

   Am currently looking on ebay for a reasonably priced invisibility cloak. I’ll let you know…

   xoxox

6. Ruby on July 21st, 2007 11:59 am

   Yes I do Louise, I think too that its the invisibility thing, if Shandi is with me I don’t feel that I am focused on. I am trying to change my thinking to that people probably don’t give a hoot anyway.

   I had a brief look through the pdf, I’ll read it through properly later today, but I believe that my thought patterns came from Mum who was always saying “what will people think”.

   Crazy how we get programmed and how it affects us.

   Thanks for the link

   If you find that cloak let me know….

   Ruby

7. Louise on July 22nd, 2007 1:30 am

   My grandparents who had the most part of bringing me up were anxious. Very nice people but not very gutsy. I can imagine they would say “what will people think” to me too. It’s along those lines anyway. Totally relate to what you’re saying. Also suffered terribly from homesickness when a child. Funny but tragic - my mum/nan/grandad would leave me (at my insistance) at a friend’s house to stay the night and go home and sit by the phone with their coat on waiting for the inevitable call! haha.

   Won’t be posting much for the while, I’ve just split up with my boyfriend. No problem, I’m just going to gather my broken thoughts for a while.

   Much love xoxoxox

Menopause

Well I did have a pause….for over a year where I was just getting spotting, but this week my period came back with a vengeance. I have been in so much pain and I haven’t even been able to walk properly, I was lucky enough to go through life without ever suffering period pains and Chloe said jokingly that it was about time that I knew what everybody else goes through every month :).

They say that menopause is over when its been a year since your last period, so now I have to start counting the months again. I certainly hope that this weeks occurrence wont be happening again, cause the pain and the headaches is horrible. I feel for all of those who suffer every month like this or even worse.

Well back to the pain killers and the hot water bottle.

Ruby

1. Robert on July 16th, 2007 7:12 am

   Hi Ruby!

   From what you’ve said about the way you were being treated in your job, you did the right thing to leave. After all, who needs their self-esteem getting battered every day? Good luck with the search for a new job. At least you know you can cope with employment.

   I too used to be a night owl - still am, sometimes. But I have found that getting up at the same time every day gives me a routine and allows my body clock to function better. Also, I don’t feel guilty about “wasting” precious hours of my life. I still go to bed way too late on occasion, but I always get up to give the kids their breakfast. It’s my incentive to get up at the same time every morning.

   Another thing, I HATE waking up in the middle of the night, so I prefer to go to bed a little late and sleep the night through.

   Three of my 4 adult daughters have REALLY sever period pains. So bad that, without their helpful pills, they wouldn’t be able to work for a couple of days each month. Before getting the pills…absolute agony. Often I’ve watched them, clutching hot water bottles, o/d’ing on painkillers, writhing in pain… You’re lucky that you’ve missed all that. My wife is like you - no pain. A bit grumpy the day before her period starts, that’s all.

   Best wishes

   Robert

   PS Thought my family problems were sorted, but I was wrong! Stressful times

2. Ruby on July 17th, 2007 11:48 am

   Hi Robert

   Yes me and Marie are definitely the lucky ones as far as PMT goes, hopefully mine will recede next time around.

   I have been starting to get up with Rory in the mornings - 5am, but as you say, its all about a routine and I’m slowing getting into one.

   I said to my boss re leaving my job, that I wouldn’t allow anyone to treat me that way at home, so it certainly wont happen at work. They wanted me to change, but weren’t prepared to speak to her so that we could maybe work it out, so I am glad I decided to leave. I haven’t found anything yet, but I’m sure something will come along, it makes harder having to find something close to home with not having transport.

   Sorry to hear your family problems are still around you Robert, I hope it lessens with time.
   You are in my thoughts.

Not Sleeping Well

I haven’t been sleeping well lately, but I partly blame that on staying up and watching Wimbledon, and partly on me being a night owl.

I think I have worked out why I get more done after the midnight hour, during the day I have the feeling of guilt that I am not going out and doing the things that I should (like practising going shopping, walking and catching the bus). At night time I am not able to go anywhere so I don’t have the guilt and feel more emotionally free to focus on what I need to to, instead of the guilt taking up all the mental room.

I have suffered insomnia all of my life to one degree or another so it isn’t something new, but I do need to work it out somehow. I have always enjoyed night-time more than daytime so its a long term habit to be broken.

I try to get up at the same time every morning regardless of the amount of sleep I have had, but it doesn’t always turn out that way.

This will be my focus over the next few weeks before I start looking for another job.

Ruby

Ruby on July 13th, 2007 12:26 am

I am still not sleeping right, I sleep long and sound, but not at the correct times still. I am trying not to stress about it, but it is starting to get to me. Rory is supposed to reset the alarm when he goes to work, which he has not been doing every day so I told him he will have to get his own alarm clock on Saturday as I have to get back into a proper sleeping routine. He wasn’t happy about having to waste money on something we have in the house, but that’s life….

My Garden

In the last year I haven’t kept up with much gardening, just what I needed to like weeding and watering. Recently I have been inspired back into the garden and yesterday I drove out to a Native Nursery and picked up 25 flowering tree and shrub seedlings.

It was fun to choose them but the drive was terrible, I started having a panic attack as soon as I got in the car and it didn’t stop until I got back home so it was a terrible outing. Usually a panic attack lessens as I drive, yesterday it just got worse.

I so badly wanted to get the seedlings while I had my daughters car so I persevered through the anxiety, but was disappointed that I wasn’t able to minimise the feelings.

I re-potted the seedlings into larger pots when I got home and will work out where I want them to go over the next few weeks.