Medication Change

I saw the doctor a couple of weeks ago and he decided that we should up my medication from 10mg to 20mg. I have been doing really well lately, no panic attacks at all, but still haven't been able to go to social events or shopping centres. So he thinks that by upping the dose it will move me forward, lets hope so...

So on Saturday I was at work, happily doing my bit, then all of a sudden my whole upper body was tingling full on, even my tongue! Of course this made me panic and I was a total mess, I tried all my strategies for overcoming the panic, but nothing worked. Which of course made the panic even worse as I figured there must be something really really wrong. I ended up leaving work, phoned my sister to talk to me and try help calm me down, came home to bed and stayed there till Sunday lunchtime, the whole time this tingling was there.

By late Sunday it had eased a lot but was still over my face and mouth and tongue. I had done some research on Saturday on the side affects of raising the dosage and found that this could be a side affect which calmed me somewhat to know that it was normal.

Monday I went to the docs just to check that everything was ok, he said that it was only a 'mild' side affect.... didn't feel to mild to me at the time hehe. I went back to work on Tuesday and everything went well but found by late last night it was getting worse, due to being tired I imagine. This morning it was almost all gone and by lunchtime I could not feel a thing, but now a bit has come back around my mouth.... must be getting tired... I'll be glad when the first two weeks are up and I can hopefully start to see if it is going to make a noticeable difference.

Steadily Moving Forward

Life has been going pretty well over the last few months. I am still following the Panic Away program and have been able to stop talking to my amygdala!

Most of the self talk is automatic now and I do smile at myself when I catch myself, that I have been able to turn the self talk around from negative to positive in such a short space of time after suffering for so many years.

I have been able to go office buildings and catch elevators, I do get a bit of the prickly feeling but am able to stop it going any further and calm myself down fairly quickly. I did go into a supermarket in a small centre at closing time – no people around and went down a couple of aisles with my daughter – that was a huge step as shopping centres have been my biggest hurdle. I haven’t worked my way up to a large shopping centre or restaurants yet, but I think that is my own fear rather than believing I would not be able to cope.

I did go to a family birthday party in a hall where I had set up an escape plan so as not to look totally mad hehe, and didn’t end having to use it. I had such a great time and my family is still talking about me mingling and laughing.

Just secretly, I have come to the conclusion that I am a tad worried about getting 100% better as there will be more expected of me, I have become so accustomed to my quiet lifestyle; another challenge to overcome :)

2008

Well its 2008 and I have plans of having a more positive year in various areas;

Number one is doing some social things to get me out of the house to meet some people, I haven't decided what yet, but I will have a look around in the local paper to find what is going on. I feel like I can face people now that I have at least something to talk about - work - cause I haven't done anything else worth talking about, and I am sure they don't want to hear about my Agoraphobia and Panic Attacks :)

I also want to spend some time and money in redecorating my house, I have made a small start where I have painted a feature wall, I want to paint the kitchen as well, have a new fridge and freezer on layby, and the next on the list is a new bedroom suite for me.

I also want to get back into part time study, still deciding between adding to my computer certificates or to add to my Diploma in Welfare & Disabilites, or maybe something just for fun, I will see whats on offer when the new courses are listed at the end of January.

I beleive doing the above things will automatically help with my Agoraphobia, so recovering further goes without saying.

Doctor & Psychologist

I have finally found a new doctor after one year of wanting to. It is such a relief to have made that move and to see a doctor who is actually proactive in assisting me in getting better. I have only had the need to see him a couple of times so far but I am very happy with his service.

I saw my psychologist for the last time two weeks ago, because of the mental health back log in Australia I was only to get ten visits but was lucky enough (or sick enough) to get fifteen. It was definitely a great help seeing her for this time, but feel I still have a long way to go before I am back to normal (whatever normal is…).

I am now having problems with social situations since I haven’t been in any for a year and a half now, so I am hoping that practice will heal that one, but I am not jumping in trying to get out there either. I am still happy just staying at home, not because of the agoraphobia but because I have no tolerance for people now. I have rejoined the GROW group on Mondays which was great to get back to again, and I am looking into other social groups that I can go to, but I haven’t found one that interests me yet. Now that I have my own transport I want to attempt to catch up with family again, that all live out of the city. I have lost touch with so many people since all this started this time around, I am in two minds if their friendships were even worth anything in the first place since they haven’t made effort to contact me. I understand that some have their own issues with mental health, and others believe that I need to time to myself to get better, but I believe personally that it is fear that keeps people away as they don’t really understand what agoraphobia means.

My sleeping pattern is getting a bit better, I am generally sleeping between 5-6 hours a night, but because I need a good 8-9 hours to feel human, I am still having a nanna nap in the afternoons, but at least there is some sort of routine now rather than really erratic like it was before.

Well there is a break in the rain, so I am taking my dog for a nice walk.

Ruby

1. Aff on September 18th, 2007 3:31 am

   Just a quick note to say thanks for the link. I’ve linked you back and bookmarked the site.

   I’ll definitely be back

2. Ruby on September 19th, 2007 1:00 pm

   Hi Aff
   Thanks for coming by, see you soon

   Ruby

3. Robert on September 19th, 2007 7:33 pm

   Marie makes friends easily, but once they find out that there are many activities that she can’t share with them, most let the friendship lapse.

   However, a few have stuck by her. Quality is better than quantity!

   I’m sure that your approach to socialising is the correct one, and it will pay off in due course. Visiting family, even if they haven’t been keeping in touch as much as they could have, will help you hone your smalltalk and chitchat skills!

4. Ruby on September 21st, 2007 1:40 am

   Hi Robert,
   I don’t have problems making friends, but I hate making smalltalk and chitchat it bores me to tears. I am sure I should have been a man as I believe that if you haven’t got anything real to say then say nothing…lol, which is probably why most women don’t hang around, cause I am just not a woman
   I would rather sit round a table with blokes than women any time. But I agree with what your saying that you have to practice social skills to keep them up to scratch and there is an art to it for sure.

Sunday Again Already

The days seem to fly by at the moment, I haven’t made an entry since Thursday. Well Thursday night I didn’t sleep well due to the neighbours arguing and then they started again at 5am, so I slept in till about noon. I picked up Rory from work and we went shopping at Coles (large supermarket) and again I managed my anxiety pretty well, but was glad to get out of there. Saturday morning I went to a cafe with Chloe to have a bit of a catch-up, it was rather busy but we managed to get a seat right by the door which made me feel a lot better, then we met Rory at home. After Chloe left we went to BigW to get him some shirts and socks. When we were walking into the shops I realised I still had my slippers on, normally I would not have gone in as my anxiety about what people would think would have made me go home. But I persevered as it was only going to be a quick in and out and kept panic attacks at bay.
I had to really concentrate on my breathing to keep my anxiety at bay, which also made me not focus on what people were thinking.
I had a task that I had to complete from GROW, to read a paragraph of their book daily, which I didn’t do, I only read it a couple of times. I think I have to set a specific time aside each day to complete my tasks, as that is what will help me. Now I have to own up to this tomorrow at the meeting, which is never a pleasant thing to do.

Mother’s Day Dinner

Well I did it!!!!! Yeeeha!!!! I’m pretty pleased with myself, didn’t think I would last out the meal before I had to go racing off outside to have a panic attack.
Chloe and her boyfriend came and picked up Rory and me and we headed of into the city, by this time I had worked myself up to a mild anxiety. We parked further away from the restaurant than I would’ve liked, but I kept quiet and focused on the conversation to distract myself. When we got there it was very full so we asked to sit at the back, away from the throng of people and serving tables, it was a smorgasbord and I had walk up to the serving tables for each course, which I didn’t find as anxious as I thought. We had a really nice time and lots of laughs. There was a few times I felt my anxiety rising, but I practised my skills before it got too out of hand and I was able to keep it manageable.
Walking back to the car I got fairly anxious as the car was not in sight of the restaurant, I kept distracting myself with the conversations going on, and again I made it fine with only one mild panic attack.
When I got home I couldn’t sleep for a few hours as I was so overfull from all the great food. But I got to sleep at a reasonable hour and woke up around 8 this morning.
I keep negating my ability by thinking that it was only because I was with my family, but then I give myself a stern talking to, to remind myself that it was me who managed it…no one else.
Thanks for a lovely evening kids.
Ruby

1. Stephen Price on May 16th, 2007 10:56 pm
   
   Ruby,
   You are a good writer and share the experiences of an agoraphobic well. You probably aready know this, but I had to give myself credit every little victory no matter how small. There were times during my days as an agoraphobic that I could not even have done what you describe on this post. - Stephen
   
   
   
2. Ruby on May 17th, 2007 12:47 pm
   
   Hi Stephen
   It is so hard to give ourselves credit, we minimise our achievements so well. When agoraphobia kicked in this time around, I was not able to leave my house for 3 months months, I had an acquaintance to buy a huge shop that lasted me for that time, then I had to make myself get up to the corner shop to buy a couple of things at a time, as I didn’t have any support, and wanting to eat is a good motivator… When my son came to live with me 2 months later I found I could be his taxi service (on a good day). I still only leave the house when I really have to, which is about twice a week, and it takes me half the day to psych myself into it.
   I wish I could’ve started this blog at the beginning as I have found it very helpful dissecting my days.
   Now I can do things with other people but not on my own, but I am slowly regaining my life bit by bit. I have avoided so many situations for the last 19 years that there are some things that may stay that way, but if I can get back to being employable I will be happy with that for now.
   I really feel for people that have been housebound for years, I am such an independent (or maybe stubborn)person, because I had overcome it to some degree once before, I knew that eventually I would do it again with the right skills in place. There is still a long road ahead of me, but with programs like yours, which was a great help to me in itself but also the realisation that I am not alone.
   Good luck with your book, you have so much information on this subject, I am really looking forward to the end result.
   
   
   

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

Had my visit with the psych yesterday and we worked some more on the CBT and I am slowly getting the hang of it.
It looks so easy at first but have realised its not, but I will get there. Basically it is breaking down irrational thoughts and behaviours in a logical way through writing down the Action you were doing, then the thoughts that caused the anxiety and finally the consequence and feelings that came from the thoughts. Even though I haven’t got it down pat, I have quickly seen (when it is written on paper) how irrational my thoughts are and how my thoughts, not the action, cause the consequence. So I got a lot out of yesterdays visit.
My task for this week is to face my agoraphobia and attempt walking out to the letterbox, I usually stop there while driving in, and use the CBT and the breathing exercises to lower my anxiety.
Then I went to my GROW meeting which was also very helpful, I had finished my first task and reported back on that. My task for this week is to begin to understand my feelings better as I have ignored and buried them for such a long time now that I don’t know how to describe them any more. It is great at GROW as I can expand on the session I have had with my psych instead of working in two different directions.
Tonight Chloe and Rory are taking me out for Mother’s Day dinner, I have spent all week trying not to think about it, so I don’t talk myself out of going, its only 4 hours to go and I am still feeling comfortable about going even though my anxiety levels are rising about it.