Panic Away

I downloaded Panic Away Program last week, and have been reading every chance I got. Finally finished it today.

After so many years of reading so many books, I had heard it most one time or another, but there were a few things that I really took on board, firstly that menopause can be a cause of anxiety/agoraphobia. I have waded through anxiety for way too many years now, but I had been 'mostly fine' for 5 years prior to menopause starting, and that's when the agoraphobia started setting in. I have always believed that the menopause with its myriad of hormonal and chemical changes were responsible for the depth of it all, though I am aware that it was due to me being anxious in the first place. It was comforting to finally see it written :)

The Panic Away method is based on 'Demanding More' from your anxiety and then welcoming, embracing and accepting the anxiety and panic, its a total turn around on the usual coping skills that just mask the symptoms. So for this week I have been practising, it is such a weird notion after spending years fearing it, but it is getting easier everyday and I believe it is making a substantial difference.

He also talks about the "Gratitude Exercise' - to spend some time every morning focusing on the things you appreciate about your life. This is something that I have come across before, but it was great to be reminded of again. Mornings are not my best time :) maybe that is why it's a good reason to do it then.

Then there was the Adrenalin sensations, we all know that adrenalin is our own worst enemy, because we buy into the symptoms and turn them into a panic attack. Another good reminder that it is our fear of bodily sensations that cause our anxiety and panic, so this week I have been looking at my body sensations for what they are, and not interpreting them as the start of panic, and that has been helping heaps, again it is very hard to turn around thinking that I was beginning to think was hard wired.

It was great to read a program that was not out to mask the symptoms with varied coping skills, but rather work towards eliminating the underlying problem to end anxiety. I am really glad that I read this program, I wrote down the things I need to be reminded of and pinned it up for me look at every day so I don't slip back into my bad habits, it is way too easy to be drawn back to usual ways.

I do not want to be a victim of anxiety any more!

Gallbladder Attack and Christmas

I had another attack last night - 4 hours of acute pain!! up till 5 in the morning with it. So today I spent time typing out a list of foods that I can have and those I need to avoid and stuck it up inside my pantry door so I don't get lazy. I am usually pretty careful, but after no attacks for a while I do become a bit complacent, but this is two in a week now, so I better listen to my body. All I had to eat today was yoghurt and fresh fruit juice as my tummy was way to tender.

So Christmas dinner will be very bland for me this year. Mum used to make the full traditional dinner years ago, but as time went on it became smaller and smaller. Me and my sisters took on the task last year and it went pretty well, this year we decided to go all out and do all the dishes as we had when we were kids.

I spent this week cooking the meats - the meats I now wont be able to eat!
One sister spent today baking all the cakes and sweets - the cakes and sweets I wont be able to eat!
The other sister is doing all the side dishes - I will be able to have some of them :)

I totally love our traditional European xmas dinner and have been looking forward to it for months, now I will need to just enjoy the aromas.

Work Update

Work finally got back to me on Friday. I was glad they took a few days to respond to my email, it gave me time to think things over and not just react.

She said they would not sign separation papers for me (which is because they are legally not allowed to put me off due to health reasons they were aware of when they employed me). They also changed their tune and said that since I have done such great work for them in the past year they would really like to keep me on, and promises to give me my required shifts. It was great to hear them suck up :) ....as I knew I had done nothing wrong.

I have decided that I will not stay with them, as I can not work for people who think I am a liar, that is not a healthy work relationship. But I will swallow my pride and stay with them till the new year so I have time to look for other work, I have already put a couple of applications in so hopefully I will hear back soon.

Timely Psych Visit

Had my monthly psych visit today which I always look forward to, as it gives me my boost to move forward.

Before I get to my visit, I want to give a bit of background to my psych and why I like her. You can't just see any psych and get better, it needs to be someone that you click with.

We chat about so many different things so we don't always stay on target, I really like her attitude about our sessions, that where ever we end up is where we need to be, as we are still tackling the agoraphobia in one way or another, she is so adaptable and I really enjoy that aspect. She has differing views from other psychs that I have seen that want to make you into a totally well rounded person, she believes that you don't need to become 100% better in the eyes of others to be mentally healthy. I have always had an issue with being able to do everything - as I have no interest in that, for example - I am a hermit at heart and enjoy my own company, so I will never be or want to be a social butterfly.

Her take on getting better is: If it doesn't have a negative affect on other people, it doesn't matter what you choose to do or not to do, but the big thing is that it is a choice, and not controlled by the agoraphobia/anxiety. Eg, if you don't shower, other people will be affected by the odour. If you don't go to luncheons, it really doesn't affect anyone, they may not like it but it, but you need to be accepted for who you are.

We have talked a lot about CBT and how I felt it helped me a lot in getting through my anxieties, but how the breathing always made me hyperventilate and just spiralled the panic to a point of no return. I had learnt the breathing technique of breathe in for a count of 4, hold for 4, breathe out for 4.

So she taught me her technique which I will be forever grateful for, it has made such a huge difference in me managing my anxieties. Take a slow deep breath in, then breathe out slowly counting to ten slowly and relaxed, then never worry about breathing in, as that is an automatic body function. So now I just focus on breathing out slowly to the count of ten. This has reduced my anxiety ten fold and was one of those light bulb moments that will always be remembered. I have not had a full blown panic attack since starting this technique.


Now to today's visit, I talked about moving my blog and scanning through the old posts, and realising where I am today compared to my first post.
And how last week I made it into the shop which was one of the first places that I avoided due to the panic attacks, I have been able to get into other small shops, but that was a hard one to face. I went in with goal of getting one item, but got four, and went down two aisles.

So we discussed that now that I am able to meet my needs eg. buying food, (I'm still not able to go to shopping centres, but since I hate shopping at the best of times, that isn't really a big issue for me) we are going to look at getting into office building etc. There are a few things I need to do, educational and medical, that I am not able to do until I can get into office buildings and attend meetings and appointments. Its not so much what I need to do, but more the waiting and giving my brain time to go off on one of its tangents - which usually ends up in a panic attac. Also its that I am not able to go anywhere where I am not able to park right outside the door, and pop and in and out without much hassle. So stairs lifts, parking bays too far away decide where I go and don't go.

So over the xmas break I am just going to keep going with what I have been doing.

Crappy few weeks

I feel like I have been on a rollercoaster for the past couple of weeks, not in myself, jut life in general.

Firstly I had a chemical reaction at a clients house, which knocked me for six for four days, when I slowly started feeling human again.
Work has since been decreasing my hours because I had to take days off after the reaction, it is their type of punishment or something, tit for tat! this is how they treat all the staff that do not conform to their expectations. So I kept harassing for more hours so I can meet my financial obligations, then Monday there was no work again!! they said they would fix it - they didn't.

No roster on Tuesday - though they swear they emailed it through, so that was taken as me avoiding work of course, cause they can't be wrong.

Then today I had a huge gall bladder attack today, that I really should've gone to hospital for, but I rode it out. Mainly because as soon as they see on my records that I suffer from panic attacks they treat me like I am over reacting!!! grrrr

So I called work to let them know that I would prob not be able to work tomorrow, which they got very huffy about. (I thought I was doing the right thing letting them know today, rather than half an before I was to start in the morning).

Then the supervisor phoned me back going on about how it is always one thing or another (this always is 5 x off for chemical reactions in 1 year, and 1 x off for gall bladder attack previous to today) and that it seems I am just trying to avoid work, and that I am not really sick just something I am saying to hide the 'real reason' I do not want to work, and no wonder I never get any shifts and that they will be employing more people in my area (meaning to replace me, but did not say so)

I was so upset I could not even speak to her, to be called a liar, and that I would make up being ill. I can't even believe that people who work in an industry caring for people can be so rude and thoughtless, but I am not surprised really, I have been astonished over the past year of how they have treated their staff.

So I composed myself and wrote her an email stating that the chemical reactions and gallbladder issue was discussed at my initial interview and I was told they would work around that. I also said they better fill out my seperation papers as I will not be able to continue working for people who think I am a liar.

I got an email back saying that she was sorry I felt that way!!!! I only felt that way because of the way I was being treated grrrrrr - do these people listen to themselves. They will be discussing my 'issues' tomorrow and getting back to me.

So now I have had next to no hours for the past 2 weeks, xmas around the corner and no job.

I am not that concerned about the job, as I know that I will have no problem finding another job as I have 10 years experience in the field. Just lousy timing.

I am amazed that I lasted a year there, but I was just glad to be ably to work on a casual basis where I could set the hours I needed each week.

Anyway, that is the end of my whinge, I usually try and look on the positive side of things, but that will have to wait until tomorrow :-)

Its Been Such a Long Time Away From Here

As you can see I have moved my blog here, my other website's registration will be due in a few months, so thought I'd do something about it before I lost it all.

It was great looking over all the old posts, can't believe its been over two years since I became house bound ~ time flies when staring at four walls ;) It has also made me realise how many hurdles I have overcome in that time, which is a great confidence boost, it is amazing how quickly you forget how bad it really was. Mind you if it wasn't for work, I still wouldn't be leaving the house, so that has been my saving grace and a great confidence builder.

There have been lots of ups and down since March but mainly heading in the right direction. I still haven't conquered a shopping centre or large supermarkets, but I can do the smaller food shops on good days. Still have to park right outside shops to be able get in there, but I am working on that at the moment, parking one to three bays further away and that is going well on most days.

I am still working at the same place, and that is going well. Had only needed to leave work early a few times in the early days due to the agoraphobia.
I have had to leave early a few more times, but that was due to my chemical allergy, work thought I was trying to get out of seeing certain clients, I have explained it to them on various occasions including at my initial interview, but I think they still believe that I am not a reliable worker ~ I can only explain, can't make anyone believe me unfortunately.

Rory is still living with me, and I don't race into my bedroom every time his friends come over now, which I think he is pleased about, it must be hard to be a child of an agoraphobic and having to try and explain the very odd behaviours.

Chloe has moved back here now and is living in the middle of the city, the plan is for me to go there once a week, but it is very difficult as there is very limited parking close by, which is usually taken. I was very proud of myself the other week when I managed to get a spot right outside her apartment block, only to come out to a $100 parking fine as it was during peak hour traffic and there was no parking allowed at that time!!!
Lesson ~ read parking signs carefully in the city

Nature v’s Nurture

I just replied to a post from Coffeecup re Nature v’s Nurture and it got me thinking…

It’s such a huge area to tackle on one hand, and so simple on the other, so here is my story and point of view on the subject.

I was the black sheep in my family, I have 3 siblings who were always told they could do/be anything, but me - I was never good enough and wouldn’t amount to much - I proved them wrong on that score ;), though I still have self doubts about my abilities. The proof is in the pudding though I suppose and I have managed some great stuff (if I may say so myself).

I was also nagged (brainwashed) constantly about “What will people think?” eg, what to wear, how to act, how to sit, how to stand, how the house should be, how your children behave, don’t say what you think, don’t show your emotions etc etc etc etc etc - the list is endless!

I understand that this is the way the previous generation was, but by simply turning it around to “set your own standards”, rather than “having to meet others’ standards’” (who probably never cared anyway) , my life may have been totally different, such a small shift can give awesome outcomes. I am much better now than what I was, but I still have this overwhelming fear of peoples thoughts should I loose control in some way, it doesn’t have to be major loss either, just having to leave a trolley full of shopping, sitting down on the curb or leaning up against a shop wall to have a rest is something I can’t do, cause “what will people think”. I often see people sitting down on the side of a road for whatever their reason is, and I really wish that I could be like that, its not a bad thing, and people really don’t care, but in my mind…….. I know by thinking like this I am putting myself under so much more pressure than need be, but its a daily occurrence with one thought or another. If I was with someone else I would have no problem sitting down on the curb or whatever - how strange is that!!

I vowed that I would bring up my children with positive nurturing, and allow them to be who they were/wanted to be, help soothe their negatives, and really praise their positives. I believe that I did well with both my children and they have turned out well adjusted adults - don’t get me wrong they are not perfect, and I don’t want them to be either. I always thought before telling them off - will this help or hinder them? There were times when I hindered them terribly as any mother would understand but on the whole it was helping.

My daughter (Chloe - 24) thanked me a couple of years ago for being the best mum and supporting her so positively in everything she did - or did not do, and when seeing other friends relationships with their mothers she is very grateful she has me (she added that it would’ve been nice if I was rich as well, oops failed that one ) That was the best thing to hear and it melted my heart, but I was also proud of myself for having changed the pattern in the family lore, and to know they will not have to go through emotional baggage that I have.

My son (Rory), well he is a 19 old - need I say more I don’t expect to get any gratitude from him anytime soon, I know he is grateful by other things he says, but God forbid to actually voice any of those thoughts to mum. I know he is well rounded as all the girls love him - not because he is handsome or anything like that (which he is of course ;), but because he can sit down and talk with them on any subject for hours without any shame and he doesn’t care what his manly mates think.

Both of my kids will stand up and fight for their morals and values and happy to pass someone over if they do not have the same values. Me - I would have been too scared to voice my opinion. Secretly and ashamedly I sometimes feel a bit jealous of their abilities and wish I could have been as strong growing up, even now for that matter - I still worry too much about “What will people think?” but that was a term I never passed onto my children. My main term was “How would you feel if….?” to understand what it is like to stand in someone elses shoes for just a moment, empathy is a great trait.

I must say that I was a bit upset after my children were born and decided that I would not bring them up as a girl or boy, but both as children and let nurture make them into rounded human beings, when my son was only a couple of months old I can remember phoning mum, very disappointed that males are born males, and there is nothing you can do to change that!! but I still persevered My ex husband kept telling me that I was bringing up our son up to be a “girls blouse” (a sissy), that was a compliment to me!! I was doing right, males having feelings and emotions does not make them a “girls blouse”, just a much better person.

So I say nurture has worked much better in this generation, I hate to think who they would be if I had numbly carried on mum’s beliefs. They both still have their innate traits given by nature, good and bad, but they have been positively built on not suffocated.

1. Dr. Davon Jacobson, M.D. on June 1st, 2009 1:58 am

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2. Gostemayorere on June 6th, 2009 9:51 am

   Hi, Congratulations to the site owner for this marvelous work you’ve done. It has lots of useful and interesting data.

3. AP on June 18th, 2009 1:03 pm

   Great post! It’s so easy to fall into allowing the expectations or parameters that other people set for us to control every thought. Like you said, even leaning against a wall could be a no-no because what people might think. If we were to let go of these expectations that aren’t even ours, we’d have a lot less anxiety.

4. Ruby on June 18th, 2009 5:36 pm

   Hi AP, Gostemayorere and Dr Jacobson

   Welcome and thank you for your posts

5. Barry on December 7th, 2009 4:48 pm

   Your perseverance and introspect is one that shows true motherly care. You have learned how to deal with situations with a positive outlook. Many are not aware that they can snap out of it or find a way to get help.

Such A Great Feeling To Achieve Small Steps

I am getting rather worried about my specialist visit on the 26th, I hope I can manage it all ok as I really want to get this stuff sorted. A good friend is coming up from down south to come in with me, and I am really looking forward to seeing her as I haven’t seen her in ages.

On a good note, work told me that I had to go for a manual handling training for 2 hours last week, I freaked when she told me, luckily I had explained my agoraphobia to them at the first interview, so I told her my fears. This training has to updated each year for competency and I new I had to go, my supervisor called the facilitator for me and explained my situation.

I thought up all sorts of excuses of why I could not attent, but in the end I knew I had to at least try, so off I went!! I spoke to the facilitator when I arrived and she was happy for me to leave when I needed to. I think that just knowing I would not make a fool of myself by leaving early took away a lot of the anxiety. The session was for 2 hours and I stayed for 1.5 I was pretty pleased with myself. It also helped that it was in a small building with windows everywhere, and doors open to a courtyard.

A friend called me earlier this week and told me that I had to go into a small supermarket that is located right on the street and buy just one thing and then report back. I was quite put out by the demand, but appreciated the push at the same time. So on Friday after my shift I went in planning to buy something that was located at the front of the shop, I felt pretty good considering, so I made my way down the first aisle, by the time I got to the check out I had 12 items, I really surprised myself!! I started getting anxious and kept doing my breathing on the way to the check out, and was really really glad to be out when I got to the car, but I did it.

I go through such waves of emotions about getting over this, I get so sick of climbing this bloody hill only to fall off the other side (eventually - sometimes years, sometimes months) that I think I am better of staying where I am, each time before I have pushed myself hard to getting better but this time I feel like I’m so sick of fighting for nothing. But then days in the last week happen and I get a shot of positiveness to go on and fight again.

2008 - The Short Version

Gosh its been hard to think of whats been happening in the past year, I can barely remember what I did yesterday

I finished up at the night shift job as they were cutting down on staff, and then I went back working in Aged Care in a Nursing Home. It was very hard there having to speak with staff every day and find something interesting to talk about - since I do nothing! But I loved the work. After 6 weeks I started being nauseous every day (not from anxiety) and had to leave. But of course these symptoms made my body think I was having regular panic attacks again, and I went down hill very quickly.

I went for tests and found out that I had gall stones, but my doctor thought it was something else causing the nausea and pain so he wanted me to have an endoscopy to check for gastric reflux. But I couldn’t make it in to have the test, after being housebound again for 4 months I finally got the courage up to go in. There was no major damage there, so now I have to go in for further tests on my gallstones - in a much bigger hospital - so not sure how that is going to work, the appointment is on March 26.

I have found another job in Aged Care working part time in the community assisting the elderly at home with personal care, I am managing this fine, as there is no building I’m stuck in all day, just driving to each persons home and assisting for up to an hour, then back in my car - My Refuge Have been there for 2 months now, and still going strong.

I still can’t get into shops, offices etc but found last week a home delivery service for food shopping which is great (actually probably not great, as it is just using my great avoidance skills even more) but haven’t been into other shops for the whole year besides a small church food shop, local butcher and greengrocer that are not in a shopping centre, and these only on a good day.

Being a hermit at the best of times probably doesn’t help matters either, as I do not have any great inner urgency to get out into the big wide world.

Overall I feel much better now that I am working again, at least it gets me out of the house for a few hours each weekday. The rest of the time I pretty much do next to nothing. Actually that is not totally true, I have been recording free audio books for a site called “Librivox” and that has been great. They only record books in the public domain, so have taken part in some great golden oldies

I don’t want to bore you too much with my non activity over these months, so I will leave it here for now.

Its great to back online

Ruby

1. SARAH on February 26th, 2009 12:49 am

   I am SOOOOO happy you’re back

   x

2. coffeecup on February 26th, 2009 10:06 am

   Fabulous that you’re back!!! You were truly missed. We do worry what happens when folks stop writing, but to find you returned in such good spirits Ruby, is wonderful.
   

3. Ruby on February 26th, 2009 10:39 am

   Thanks guys

   Its great to be welcomed back so nicely. I’m really glad to be back.

I’m Back!!

Hi everyone

Firstly thank you to all the lovely comments left here while I was away.

I have been without internet for a year now, but I am back on line and looking forward to catching up with everyone.
I just spent an hour going through 700!! comments, most of which were spam, so I will come back shortly and give a quick update of the past year