Doctor & Psychologist

I have finally found a new doctor after one year of wanting to. It is such a relief to have made that move and to see a doctor who is actually proactive in assisting me in getting better. I have only had the need to see him a couple of times so far but I am very happy with his service.

I saw my psychologist for the last time two weeks ago, because of the mental health back log in Australia I was only to get ten visits but was lucky enough (or sick enough) to get fifteen. It was definitely a great help seeing her for this time, but feel I still have a long way to go before I am back to normal (whatever normal is…).

I am now having problems with social situations since I haven’t been in any for a year and a half now, so I am hoping that practice will heal that one, but I am not jumping in trying to get out there either. I am still happy just staying at home, not because of the agoraphobia but because I have no tolerance for people now. I have rejoined the GROW group on Mondays which was great to get back to again, and I am looking into other social groups that I can go to, but I haven’t found one that interests me yet. Now that I have my own transport I want to attempt to catch up with family again, that all live out of the city. I have lost touch with so many people since all this started this time around, I am in two minds if their friendships were even worth anything in the first place since they haven’t made effort to contact me. I understand that some have their own issues with mental health, and others believe that I need to time to myself to get better, but I believe personally that it is fear that keeps people away as they don’t really understand what agoraphobia means.

My sleeping pattern is getting a bit better, I am generally sleeping between 5-6 hours a night, but because I need a good 8-9 hours to feel human, I am still having a nanna nap in the afternoons, but at least there is some sort of routine now rather than really erratic like it was before.

Well there is a break in the rain, so I am taking my dog for a nice walk.

Ruby

1. Aff on September 18th, 2007 3:31 am

   Just a quick note to say thanks for the link. I’ve linked you back and bookmarked the site.

   I’ll definitely be back

2. Ruby on September 19th, 2007 1:00 pm

   Hi Aff
   Thanks for coming by, see you soon

   Ruby

3. Robert on September 19th, 2007 7:33 pm

   Marie makes friends easily, but once they find out that there are many activities that she can’t share with them, most let the friendship lapse.

   However, a few have stuck by her. Quality is better than quantity!

   I’m sure that your approach to socialising is the correct one, and it will pay off in due course. Visiting family, even if they haven’t been keeping in touch as much as they could have, will help you hone your smalltalk and chitchat skills!

4. Ruby on September 21st, 2007 1:40 am

   Hi Robert,
   I don’t have problems making friends, but I hate making smalltalk and chitchat it bores me to tears. I am sure I should have been a man as I believe that if you haven’t got anything real to say then say nothing…lol, which is probably why most women don’t hang around, cause I am just not a woman
   I would rather sit round a table with blokes than women any time. But I agree with what your saying that you have to practice social skills to keep them up to scratch and there is an art to it for sure.

GROW Meetings

I haven’t been able to go to GROW for a few weeks now because of working, and I have really missed the group and the support they give as a group and individually to both sufferers with mental health issues and their partners/family, as well as having tasks to do each week that will change me in a positive way.
I found out today that they have had to change their meeting place and luckily the time as well, from the beginning of August they will be meeting on Mondays at 10 am. So in 5 weeks I will get back into ‘growing’ myself, it is such a great program

Going Great

Its Wednesday night and things have been going great in the way that I feel, its getting better every day. I saw the psychologist on Monday and we went further into the CBT there is so much more to it than meets the eye, if you don’t get it right then it wont benefit so focused on the differences with thoughts and emotions and the tasks we set up was for me to walk to the corner and back either by myself or with my dog, I haven’t ventured to the corner yet but have gone to the letterbox one more time. Just the thought of walking to the corner makes me so anxious and overwhelmed, that I just try to not think of it, I really don’t know if it is something I am ready to take on at this time, but I will try and see how I go.
Then I had an appointment with the psychiatrist to check how the new medication is going, and he is happy with the outcome, so I wont need to see him again.
Because of the psychiatrist appointment I missed the GROW meeting, but I went along to have coffee with them after the meeting, that was nice, but I mainly went so I kept in the habit of going each Monday.
Yesterday I rearranged the furniture in the house, to give me and my son some more privacy when he has his friends over. I moved the TV out of my bedroom and set it up in the dining room for me to make the bedroom for sleeping only and so I don’t have to be cooped up in my bedroom.
Today I cordoned off a section of the garden to keep my succulents in as the dog likes to dig up small plants, its looking pretty good I think. I made it big enough so I can keep my seedlings etc there as well.
Ruby

1. Robert on May 24th, 2007 9:20 am
   
   Hi Ruby -
   Just checking up on you & you’re still doing well!
   The CBT is helping, I’m sure; but it’s your real desire to change that’s pushing you forward. I really believe you’ve got what it takes to succeed!
   Still rootin’ for you…
   Robert
   
   
   
2. Ruby on May 25th, 2007 5:24 pm
   
   Thanks Robert
   Yes that is true I do have a desire to change, but I don’t think I could do it without the tools I am learning so its probably 50/50.
   It’s easy to expand on the things that you have been doing, but the stuff that I haven’t done for years and years are going to be the biggest hurdles.
   I am not so confident about those, but I shouldn’t jinx myself….
   
   
   

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

Had my visit with the psych yesterday and we worked some more on the CBT and I am slowly getting the hang of it.
It looks so easy at first but have realised its not, but I will get there. Basically it is breaking down irrational thoughts and behaviours in a logical way through writing down the Action you were doing, then the thoughts that caused the anxiety and finally the consequence and feelings that came from the thoughts. Even though I haven’t got it down pat, I have quickly seen (when it is written on paper) how irrational my thoughts are and how my thoughts, not the action, cause the consequence. So I got a lot out of yesterdays visit.
My task for this week is to face my agoraphobia and attempt walking out to the letterbox, I usually stop there while driving in, and use the CBT and the breathing exercises to lower my anxiety.
Then I went to my GROW meeting which was also very helpful, I had finished my first task and reported back on that. My task for this week is to begin to understand my feelings better as I have ignored and buried them for such a long time now that I don’t know how to describe them any more. It is great at GROW as I can expand on the session I have had with my psych instead of working in two different directions.
Tonight Chloe and Rory are taking me out for Mother’s Day dinner, I have spent all week trying not to think about it, so I don’t talk myself out of going, its only 4 hours to go and I am still feeling comfortable about going even though my anxiety levels are rising about it.

Sleeping and Childhood Beliefs

Last week I had 3 nights of sleeping on time, instead of my time which is a night owl, and I thought I was getting on track. but this week it has been slipping a bit where I’m not going to sleep until around 1 or 2 and then sleeping in to between 10-12. I am really disappointed.

When I try to sleep earlier I stress so much that I can’t even relax, I try to do relaxation exercises but I’m too wound up, tonight I’m going to try the relaxation exercises before I get stressed and hopefully that will work.
I have been reading more of the GROW work book and it is very confronting and challenging, it is like someone is looking in on the thoughts I have daily, it is quite scary. I believe that if it is challenging then its something I have to work on as the thoughts are obviously maladjusted, so I am in on for long ride I think, and I am looking forward to the end result.
On Monday the psych had talked about skills learnt as a child that were beneficial at the time, but as an adult they are not very positive like stay away from strangers is a must as a child but an adult cannot function in daily life with that belief. I can see that clearer now after reading what I have, as a child I took on beliefs of my mother’s like ‘what will people think’ and they have now taken off even further that I am scared to go out in case I fail publicly in some way. Another one was to avoid the emotional abuse which set of my avoidance behaviour for anything that wasn’t pleasant. At least now I know what beliefs to focus on changing in the long term.

1. Robert on May 11th, 2007 11:22 am
   
   
   It’s really hard to find blogs from folk with agoraphobia, and I shall follow your experiences with interest…and of course, I shall be hoping that your road to recovery continues.
   I don’t have agoraphobia myself, but my wife does. I started a blog to get things out of my system - just to be able to tell ANYONE what life is like. You can visit my blog at http://mywifehasagoraphobia.blogspot.com/
   and if you do, please let me have your thoughts/opinions. It’s very much a work in progress. Good luck Ruby, I’ll be back to see how you’re getting on.
   Robert
   
   
   
   
2. Ruby on May 11th, 2007 12:27 pm
   
   
   Hi Robert
   Please give my regards to Marie. It is a very difficult illness and I believe that it is much harder for family members to deal with as they can’t feel what we are feeling or understand what builds the fears we live with.
   My illness ended my marriage in divorce, it’s great to hear you are trying to learn as much as you can and support her.
   Personally so far I have found that CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) to work best, as it breaks down the irrational thoughts.
   Your blog looks great I will also look in and see how she is going.
   Ruby
   
   
   
   
3. Robert on May 12th, 2007 5:36 am
   
   
   Hi Ruby -
   Thanks for looking in on my blog. I’ll eventually bring it up to date, so you’ll be able to see what avenues Marie explored to get rid of her agoraphobia.
   It can be difficult to live with Marie’s condition - it’s the 3rd person in our relationship - but she’s still the best thing that ever happened to me!
   BTW, do you know of any other agoraphobia blogs? I looked up some blogs with agoraphobia in the title, but they had absolutely nothing to do with agoraphobia.
   Anyhow, I don’t know if it is of any help to you, but Marie & I know a little of what you’re going through and we’re 100% behind you in your efforts to free yourself from it. Feel free to email us at any time.
   Regards
   Robert
   
   
   
   
4. Ruby on May 12th, 2007 11:29 am
   
   
   Thanks Robert
   I think I found the same agoraphobia blogs as you….lol….that have nothing to do with agoraphobia at all. I haven’t found any real ones yet.
   Thank you both for your support, it’s nice to share the trials and tribulations.
   I’ll look forward to seeing what else Marie has tried.
   Ruby
   
   
   
   
5. teresa on May 13th, 2007 4:44 pm
   
   
   well good on you, I think its fantastic that you have tools like this so you can still intereact with people, with this disease or not, and so still continue learning about others and yourself. And so others can learn from your expereince too and maybe make people learn more empathy for conditions that we dont understand from first hand experience. It’ just a shame there are so many obsticles out there for us humans and so many that we have with in ourselves. Head up, chin up, walk tall and walk proud.
   Bye for now,T
   
   
   
   

Changing Medication

Wow, how time flies when changing medication and going through some withdrawals, can’t believe it’s Friday already.
Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty much wasted days dealing with some withdrawals with funny brain feelings and a bit wobbly on my feet. I have tried explaining the ‘brain feeling’ to family, but it just makes them really confused. I am sure there is a technical term for it, but what it feels like for me is that someone is rubbing a dry sponge over my brain…..not a comforting feeling I can tell you. But I am looking forward to this medication working and lifting the black cloud and anxiety that has been there for way too long now.
Rory hasn’t noticed anything different as he is in his own teenage world of friends, parties and MySpace, which has saved me explaining the ’sponge’ he has had friends around Wed, Thur and this afternoon, but is staying out for the night tonight so that has been nice not too listen to their music though I do enjoy joining in some of their conversations from time to time when I am not feeling too anxious to go and join them. Rory has told them about my agoraphobia in his own understanding so at least they don’t just think I’m rude…lol.
I have started to read through the GROW handbook and there are a lot of confronting things in there, which I take to mean that they are things that need to be worked on. It looks like a good program and I’m looking forward to my second class on Monday.
Chloe is back in town for work for a month so she has taken back her car that I have been using for my major outings of driving 1km twice a week to check my PO Box and to attend my appointments on a Monday. I will still be able to use the car on Mondays which is a blessing as I can’t venture out anywhere without a car. This is the time that I should be seeing as a blessing in disguise and start trying to walk up to the shops, but that is a really scary thought and don’t know if that will be achievable yet, I really want to try, but after a year of not leaving the house…….. I can’t even walk out the front of my townhouse block to get my mail or bring the bins in without freezing at the door. I get Rory to bring in the bins and I check the mail when I am driving out. Maybe my need for regular chocolate fixes will force me up to the shops.
I made a dog kennel today from scratch, that was fun, and didn’t turn out anywhere near what I had planned, but now my Shitzu X will have somewhere dry to sit when she wants to look around at the world in bad weather.

Medication and GROW

Monday was the busiest day I have had in months.
Late Sunday I learnt about a mental health group called GROW so I wanted to check them out on Monday they support sufferers, family and friends with any mental health issues.
Monday morning I went to see my psych and as I knew, she was disappointed in the lack of motivation from the week before, so no news there, but we started talking about cognitive therapy and we will get into that some more next week and start keeping a daily sheet that. The theory is that if I record the thoughts that are causing my negative thinking which starts a panic attack then I will be able to negate those thoughts and change them with positive ones.
Then I went to see a psychiatrist at the same centre regarding my medication. Thankfully he changed my medication and as I had already been lowering my dosage for the past few months I was able to start the new tablets today. So now I have changed from Effexor to Esipram 10mg at 1 per day so hopefully in a couple of weeks I will find some long awaited relief. This is medication that treats anxiety that causes depression, not the other way around which was what the other medication was for.
I called GROW and found out that my local group was meeting in 1/2 and hour so while I was on the road I went along. I’m very glad that I did, they work on a 12 step program that work towards healing mental health issues. The meeting was very constructive and the literature a bit confronting (which I thought a great thing). I bought 2 of the available 3 books that they work from and am in the process of reading through them. I am writing down the confronting bits as they are obviously the bits I need to work on most……its a bit scary lol, but I’m motivated. The group meets weekly and you can attend as long as you need/want to and they have been established for 50 years so at least they wont be gone in a couple of months when the funding runs out. They were also very laid back and enjoyed lots of laughs and we had coffee and bikkies afterwards.
I was very emotionally exhausted today after my big day yesterday so I didn’t get much done today and the agoraphobia feelings were a lot stronger. Rory has gone out for the night with tomorrow being a public holiday, ANZAC Day, so I am enjoying having a night to myself without his ‘teenage’ music for the first time in a few months , as his friends normally spend the weekends here.