Going Great

Its Wednesday night and things have been going great in the way that I feel, its getting better every day. I saw the psychologist on Monday and we went further into the CBT there is so much more to it than meets the eye, if you don’t get it right then it wont benefit so focused on the differences with thoughts and emotions and the tasks we set up was for me to walk to the corner and back either by myself or with my dog, I haven’t ventured to the corner yet but have gone to the letterbox one more time. Just the thought of walking to the corner makes me so anxious and overwhelmed, that I just try to not think of it, I really don’t know if it is something I am ready to take on at this time, but I will try and see how I go.
Then I had an appointment with the psychiatrist to check how the new medication is going, and he is happy with the outcome, so I wont need to see him again.
Because of the psychiatrist appointment I missed the GROW meeting, but I went along to have coffee with them after the meeting, that was nice, but I mainly went so I kept in the habit of going each Monday.
Yesterday I rearranged the furniture in the house, to give me and my son some more privacy when he has his friends over. I moved the TV out of my bedroom and set it up in the dining room for me to make the bedroom for sleeping only and so I don’t have to be cooped up in my bedroom.
Today I cordoned off a section of the garden to keep my succulents in as the dog likes to dig up small plants, its looking pretty good I think. I made it big enough so I can keep my seedlings etc there as well.
Ruby

1. Robert on May 24th, 2007 9:20 am
   
   Hi Ruby -
   Just checking up on you & you’re still doing well!
   The CBT is helping, I’m sure; but it’s your real desire to change that’s pushing you forward. I really believe you’ve got what it takes to succeed!
   Still rootin’ for you…
   Robert
   
   
   
2. Ruby on May 25th, 2007 5:24 pm
   
   Thanks Robert
   Yes that is true I do have a desire to change, but I don’t think I could do it without the tools I am learning so its probably 50/50.
   It’s easy to expand on the things that you have been doing, but the stuff that I haven’t done for years and years are going to be the biggest hurdles.
   I am not so confident about those, but I shouldn’t jinx myself….
   
   
   

Changing Medication

Wow, how time flies when changing medication and going through some withdrawals, can’t believe it’s Friday already.
Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty much wasted days dealing with some withdrawals with funny brain feelings and a bit wobbly on my feet. I have tried explaining the ‘brain feeling’ to family, but it just makes them really confused. I am sure there is a technical term for it, but what it feels like for me is that someone is rubbing a dry sponge over my brain…..not a comforting feeling I can tell you. But I am looking forward to this medication working and lifting the black cloud and anxiety that has been there for way too long now.
Rory hasn’t noticed anything different as he is in his own teenage world of friends, parties and MySpace, which has saved me explaining the ’sponge’ he has had friends around Wed, Thur and this afternoon, but is staying out for the night tonight so that has been nice not too listen to their music though I do enjoy joining in some of their conversations from time to time when I am not feeling too anxious to go and join them. Rory has told them about my agoraphobia in his own understanding so at least they don’t just think I’m rude…lol.
I have started to read through the GROW handbook and there are a lot of confronting things in there, which I take to mean that they are things that need to be worked on. It looks like a good program and I’m looking forward to my second class on Monday.
Chloe is back in town for work for a month so she has taken back her car that I have been using for my major outings of driving 1km twice a week to check my PO Box and to attend my appointments on a Monday. I will still be able to use the car on Mondays which is a blessing as I can’t venture out anywhere without a car. This is the time that I should be seeing as a blessing in disguise and start trying to walk up to the shops, but that is a really scary thought and don’t know if that will be achievable yet, I really want to try, but after a year of not leaving the house…….. I can’t even walk out the front of my townhouse block to get my mail or bring the bins in without freezing at the door. I get Rory to bring in the bins and I check the mail when I am driving out. Maybe my need for regular chocolate fixes will force me up to the shops.
I made a dog kennel today from scratch, that was fun, and didn’t turn out anywhere near what I had planned, but now my Shitzu X will have somewhere dry to sit when she wants to look around at the world in bad weather.

Medication and GROW

Monday was the busiest day I have had in months.
Late Sunday I learnt about a mental health group called GROW so I wanted to check them out on Monday they support sufferers, family and friends with any mental health issues.
Monday morning I went to see my psych and as I knew, she was disappointed in the lack of motivation from the week before, so no news there, but we started talking about cognitive therapy and we will get into that some more next week and start keeping a daily sheet that. The theory is that if I record the thoughts that are causing my negative thinking which starts a panic attack then I will be able to negate those thoughts and change them with positive ones.
Then I went to see a psychiatrist at the same centre regarding my medication. Thankfully he changed my medication and as I had already been lowering my dosage for the past few months I was able to start the new tablets today. So now I have changed from Effexor to Esipram 10mg at 1 per day so hopefully in a couple of weeks I will find some long awaited relief. This is medication that treats anxiety that causes depression, not the other way around which was what the other medication was for.
I called GROW and found out that my local group was meeting in 1/2 and hour so while I was on the road I went along. I’m very glad that I did, they work on a 12 step program that work towards healing mental health issues. The meeting was very constructive and the literature a bit confronting (which I thought a great thing). I bought 2 of the available 3 books that they work from and am in the process of reading through them. I am writing down the confronting bits as they are obviously the bits I need to work on most……its a bit scary lol, but I’m motivated. The group meets weekly and you can attend as long as you need/want to and they have been established for 50 years so at least they wont be gone in a couple of months when the funding runs out. They were also very laid back and enjoyed lots of laughs and we had coffee and bikkies afterwards.
I was very emotionally exhausted today after my big day yesterday so I didn’t get much done today and the agoraphobia feelings were a lot stronger. Rory has gone out for the night with tomorrow being a public holiday, ANZAC Day, so I am enjoying having a night to myself without his ‘teenage’ music for the first time in a few months , as his friends normally spend the weekends here.