Doctor & Psychologist

I have finally found a new doctor after one year of wanting to. It is such a relief to have made that move and to see a doctor who is actually proactive in assisting me in getting better. I have only had the need to see him a couple of times so far but I am very happy with his service.

I saw my psychologist for the last time two weeks ago, because of the mental health back log in Australia I was only to get ten visits but was lucky enough (or sick enough) to get fifteen. It was definitely a great help seeing her for this time, but feel I still have a long way to go before I am back to normal (whatever normal is…).

I am now having problems with social situations since I haven’t been in any for a year and a half now, so I am hoping that practice will heal that one, but I am not jumping in trying to get out there either. I am still happy just staying at home, not because of the agoraphobia but because I have no tolerance for people now. I have rejoined the GROW group on Mondays which was great to get back to again, and I am looking into other social groups that I can go to, but I haven’t found one that interests me yet. Now that I have my own transport I want to attempt to catch up with family again, that all live out of the city. I have lost touch with so many people since all this started this time around, I am in two minds if their friendships were even worth anything in the first place since they haven’t made effort to contact me. I understand that some have their own issues with mental health, and others believe that I need to time to myself to get better, but I believe personally that it is fear that keeps people away as they don’t really understand what agoraphobia means.

My sleeping pattern is getting a bit better, I am generally sleeping between 5-6 hours a night, but because I need a good 8-9 hours to feel human, I am still having a nanna nap in the afternoons, but at least there is some sort of routine now rather than really erratic like it was before.

Well there is a break in the rain, so I am taking my dog for a nice walk.

Ruby

1. Aff on September 18th, 2007 3:31 am

   Just a quick note to say thanks for the link. I’ve linked you back and bookmarked the site.

   I’ll definitely be back

2. Ruby on September 19th, 2007 1:00 pm

   Hi Aff
   Thanks for coming by, see you soon

   Ruby

3. Robert on September 19th, 2007 7:33 pm

   Marie makes friends easily, but once they find out that there are many activities that she can’t share with them, most let the friendship lapse.

   However, a few have stuck by her. Quality is better than quantity!

   I’m sure that your approach to socialising is the correct one, and it will pay off in due course. Visiting family, even if they haven’t been keeping in touch as much as they could have, will help you hone your smalltalk and chitchat skills!

4. Ruby on September 21st, 2007 1:40 am

   Hi Robert,
   I don’t have problems making friends, but I hate making smalltalk and chitchat it bores me to tears. I am sure I should have been a man as I believe that if you haven’t got anything real to say then say nothing…lol, which is probably why most women don’t hang around, cause I am just not a woman
   I would rather sit round a table with blokes than women any time. But I agree with what your saying that you have to practice social skills to keep them up to scratch and there is an art to it for sure.

Insomnia….Grrrr

I’ve had a terrible time with insomnia this week, not getting to sleep before the sun rises and napping through the day trying to rejuvenate then dragging myself up just in time for when Rory finishes work. So needless to say that it has been a very uneventful week besides visitors flying out last night.

The negativity and irrational thoughts really set in when not getting enough sleep over a period of time, so have been trying to deal with that and telling myself that it is only the lack of sleep and not buying into the negativity, but still have been feeling depressed. Finally got a good nights sleep last night with a solid seven hours, I feel partially human today.

I have always suffered with insomnia, it can take me hours to fall asleep, but luckily once I am asleep I am out for the count. I really feel for the sufferers that have broken sleep on a regular basis, I think that would be much worse.

It has been raining constantly for nearly two weeks now, which is great for the dams, but I don’t think it helps the depressed feeling

1. Robert on August 2nd, 2007 12:09 am

   Hi Ruby!

   No insomnia here! The opposite, in fact - can’t get enough time to get things done & when I get to bed, I’m totally unconscious in about 30 secs. (Not so good for my love life, though!)

   No rain here! Wall-to-wall sunshine. SUCH a change from the last 2 months. Enjoying it, ‘cos it might not last!

   Shit might be happening all around you, but you have got to grateful for the good things. Yes, I’m in positive thinking mode…

   Robert

2. Ruby on August 3rd, 2007 3:54 am

   Oh you lucky thing, it would be heaven to fall asleep so quickly.

Getting Back on Track - Again

Because of the pain I was in last week I spent most of it in bed or on the lounge, and my sleeping pattern of course suffered, but the pain is gone now and I’m back to getting up at 5am and having brekky with Rory before he goes to work. I am still only sleeping in 4 or 5 hour blocks, but I am trying to stay awake for the whole day and get back into sleeping 8 hours again.

I have walked up to the corner shop twice this week, which was a great achievement and I even managed it without having a major panic attack. It was definitely not enjoyable, but it was nice to be out in the sun. I haven’t walked anywhere for such a long time, it was very scary, but I took on board the achievement of walking to the bus stop and used that to get through each step. I am going to walk up there every couple of days till it becomes a ‘normal’ activity.

I have planted about half of my natives and and I can’t wait till the grow..hmmm, will probably need a bit of patience for that one. My dog loves to dig up seedlings and chew on the roots, but she has only dug up one so far, and I hope that will be all she does…I can hope I haven’t checked the garden today yet…so fingers crossed.

1. Louise on July 17th, 2007 3:38 pm

   Hello Ruby!

   Thank you for visiting me and linking me! I feel absolutely honoured! I’m currently off work at the moment with sciatica so I can sympathise a bit on the pain front. I had been taking a codeine based painkiller that had a large amount of caffeine in it to prevent lethargy, forgetting that caffeine is panic’s best friend!! So I’ve decided to go cold turkey (Paracetamol doesn’t touch it) and put my feet up ’til it’s gone!

   Fantastic about your daily walks to the bus stop! What breed of dog do you have there?

   I shall visit again soon! xoxox

2. Ruby on July 17th, 2007 6:16 pm

   Your welcome Louise, us nutters have to stick together. I loved your writing style and quirky humour.
   Sciatica….ouch, I’m allergic to codeine, it makes me totally loose it. I take a pain killer called “Di-gesic” which is stronger than paracetamol but no spin outs for me.

   Shandi’s mum is an Australian Silky Terrier and her dad is Maltese/Shitzu, she is a lovely ball of fluff, a real lapdog. She is just on two so is starting to loose some of those horrid puppy traits. I have often thought of putting up a picture page, but as you I don’t have any interesting pics, I suppose I could photoshop myself into pics with interesting people hehehe.

   Hope you start feeling better soon

   Ruby

3. Sarah on July 17th, 2007 8:32 pm

   Hi there..

   A BIG fat well done for walking to the shop! It’s so hard getting back into the swing of things after illness, flipping heck, i’ve been failing at that for 8 months now.

   Hope you feel better soon

   Sarah♥

4. Rubyon July 17th, 2007 11:29 pm

   Thanks heaps Sarah
   Yes its not an easy road, I cant remember the last time I walked up to the shops, its been over a year that’s for sure.
   We will get there…eventually.

   Ruby

5. Louise on July 20th, 2007 12:38 am

   Hello Ruby

   Do you find it easier to go further when Shandi is with you? I read something about ‘involvement shields’ on an interesting article -

   http://www.lancs.ac.uk/fass/ihr/staff/documents/livingwithagoraphobia.pdf

   After reading this article I realised that people are my problem, not the surroundings. Like, if I was invisible, I wouldn’t be agoraphobic. I’d never thought that before.

   Am currently looking on ebay for a reasonably priced invisibility cloak. I’ll let you know…

   xoxox

6. Ruby on July 21st, 2007 11:59 am

   Yes I do Louise, I think too that its the invisibility thing, if Shandi is with me I don’t feel that I am focused on. I am trying to change my thinking to that people probably don’t give a hoot anyway.

   I had a brief look through the pdf, I’ll read it through properly later today, but I believe that my thought patterns came from Mum who was always saying “what will people think”.

   Crazy how we get programmed and how it affects us.

   Thanks for the link

   If you find that cloak let me know….

   Ruby

7. Louise on July 22nd, 2007 1:30 am

   My grandparents who had the most part of bringing me up were anxious. Very nice people but not very gutsy. I can imagine they would say “what will people think” to me too. It’s along those lines anyway. Totally relate to what you’re saying. Also suffered terribly from homesickness when a child. Funny but tragic - my mum/nan/grandad would leave me (at my insistance) at a friend’s house to stay the night and go home and sit by the phone with their coat on waiting for the inevitable call! haha.

   Won’t be posting much for the while, I’ve just split up with my boyfriend. No problem, I’m just going to gather my broken thoughts for a while.

   Much love xoxoxox

Not Sleeping Well

I haven’t been sleeping well lately, but I partly blame that on staying up and watching Wimbledon, and partly on me being a night owl.

I think I have worked out why I get more done after the midnight hour, during the day I have the feeling of guilt that I am not going out and doing the things that I should (like practising going shopping, walking and catching the bus). At night time I am not able to go anywhere so I don’t have the guilt and feel more emotionally free to focus on what I need to to, instead of the guilt taking up all the mental room.

I have suffered insomnia all of my life to one degree or another so it isn’t something new, but I do need to work it out somehow. I have always enjoyed night-time more than daytime so its a long term habit to be broken.

I try to get up at the same time every morning regardless of the amount of sleep I have had, but it doesn’t always turn out that way.

This will be my focus over the next few weeks before I start looking for another job.

Ruby

Ruby on July 13th, 2007 12:26 am

I am still not sleeping right, I sleep long and sound, but not at the correct times still. I am trying not to stress about it, but it is starting to get to me. Rory is supposed to reset the alarm when he goes to work, which he has not been doing every day so I told him he will have to get his own alarm clock on Saturday as I have to get back into a proper sleeping routine. He wasn’t happy about having to waste money on something we have in the house, but that’s life….

I Need Sleep!

I have had such bad sleep patterns in the last few days because of the noisy neighbours and Rory and his mates watching DVD’s till all hours (not that I mind him having fun, it was just bad timing), so I haven’t done anything at all out of the house. I have been feeling fairly low due to the lack of sleep which has in turn brought out the negativeness in me and that is never a good thing, I like to try to be as positive as possible. I went to bed early tonight to get a good sleep before my busy Monday and I got three messages and two phone calls after only two hours of sleep. My phone hardly ever rings, very strange how they all call at the one time. I didn’t answer the calls but it still woke me and now I am having trouble getting back to sleep again.
I was talking to a GROW member over the weekend, and all of a sudden I started going on about how I’m feeling pressured with all the tasks from the psychologist. I feel that I am not getting enough time to get a grasp on each task before starting the next one and I am feeling overwhelmed at walking on my own and am scared that if I don’t meet the tasks she will say that I am not meeting the targets and cancel the appointments like she did a couple of weeks ago. Weird how I didn’t know that was how I was feeling until it came out of my mouth.
I know that it is a government mental health organisation and they are very busy and are behind the eight ball, but am I just wasting their time and mine by attending and not given the time to get better. I will talk to her about this tomorrow at our appointment and see what happens from there.
I have consolidated all my address books and email addresses though, that took a while, there were bits everywhere, so at least something is moving in the right direction.
Ruby

1. Robert on May 30th, 2007 7:28 am
   
   
   Hi Ruby!
   Just a fact that you should not disregard…
   PSYCHIATRISTS ARE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT!
   Go at your own speed, listen to your body, visualize positive scenes when you get some quiet time, and it will all come together in due course.
   Best wishes
   Robert
   
   
   
   
2. Ruby on May 30th, 2007 11:07 am
   
   
   Hi Robert
   Yes they are only people and everyone is different, I couldn’t make my appointment this week, but I will discuss this with her next week when I see her. This is something I want to do - being able to walk places - I know that I have to bite the bullet, but I need to put some strategies in place in first and start of with baby steps.
   Thanks for your support, its so nice to know I’m not in this alone.
   
   
   
   

Sunday Again Already

The days seem to fly by at the moment, I haven’t made an entry since Thursday. Well Thursday night I didn’t sleep well due to the neighbours arguing and then they started again at 5am, so I slept in till about noon. I picked up Rory from work and we went shopping at Coles (large supermarket) and again I managed my anxiety pretty well, but was glad to get out of there. Saturday morning I went to a cafe with Chloe to have a bit of a catch-up, it was rather busy but we managed to get a seat right by the door which made me feel a lot better, then we met Rory at home. After Chloe left we went to BigW to get him some shirts and socks. When we were walking into the shops I realised I still had my slippers on, normally I would not have gone in as my anxiety about what people would think would have made me go home. But I persevered as it was only going to be a quick in and out and kept panic attacks at bay.
I had to really concentrate on my breathing to keep my anxiety at bay, which also made me not focus on what people were thinking.
I had a task that I had to complete from GROW, to read a paragraph of their book daily, which I didn’t do, I only read it a couple of times. I think I have to set a specific time aside each day to complete my tasks, as that is what will help me. Now I have to own up to this tomorrow at the meeting, which is never a pleasant thing to do.

Sleeping and Childhood Beliefs

Last week I had 3 nights of sleeping on time, instead of my time which is a night owl, and I thought I was getting on track. but this week it has been slipping a bit where I’m not going to sleep until around 1 or 2 and then sleeping in to between 10-12. I am really disappointed.

When I try to sleep earlier I stress so much that I can’t even relax, I try to do relaxation exercises but I’m too wound up, tonight I’m going to try the relaxation exercises before I get stressed and hopefully that will work.
I have been reading more of the GROW work book and it is very confronting and challenging, it is like someone is looking in on the thoughts I have daily, it is quite scary. I believe that if it is challenging then its something I have to work on as the thoughts are obviously maladjusted, so I am in on for long ride I think, and I am looking forward to the end result.
On Monday the psych had talked about skills learnt as a child that were beneficial at the time, but as an adult they are not very positive like stay away from strangers is a must as a child but an adult cannot function in daily life with that belief. I can see that clearer now after reading what I have, as a child I took on beliefs of my mother’s like ‘what will people think’ and they have now taken off even further that I am scared to go out in case I fail publicly in some way. Another one was to avoid the emotional abuse which set of my avoidance behaviour for anything that wasn’t pleasant. At least now I know what beliefs to focus on changing in the long term.

1. Robert on May 11th, 2007 11:22 am
   
   
   It’s really hard to find blogs from folk with agoraphobia, and I shall follow your experiences with interest…and of course, I shall be hoping that your road to recovery continues.
   I don’t have agoraphobia myself, but my wife does. I started a blog to get things out of my system - just to be able to tell ANYONE what life is like. You can visit my blog at http://mywifehasagoraphobia.blogspot.com/
   and if you do, please let me have your thoughts/opinions. It’s very much a work in progress. Good luck Ruby, I’ll be back to see how you’re getting on.
   Robert
   
   
   
   
2. Ruby on May 11th, 2007 12:27 pm
   
   
   Hi Robert
   Please give my regards to Marie. It is a very difficult illness and I believe that it is much harder for family members to deal with as they can’t feel what we are feeling or understand what builds the fears we live with.
   My illness ended my marriage in divorce, it’s great to hear you are trying to learn as much as you can and support her.
   Personally so far I have found that CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) to work best, as it breaks down the irrational thoughts.
   Your blog looks great I will also look in and see how she is going.
   Ruby
   
   
   
   
3. Robert on May 12th, 2007 5:36 am
   
   
   Hi Ruby -
   Thanks for looking in on my blog. I’ll eventually bring it up to date, so you’ll be able to see what avenues Marie explored to get rid of her agoraphobia.
   It can be difficult to live with Marie’s condition - it’s the 3rd person in our relationship - but she’s still the best thing that ever happened to me!
   BTW, do you know of any other agoraphobia blogs? I looked up some blogs with agoraphobia in the title, but they had absolutely nothing to do with agoraphobia.
   Anyhow, I don’t know if it is of any help to you, but Marie & I know a little of what you’re going through and we’re 100% behind you in your efforts to free yourself from it. Feel free to email us at any time.
   Regards
   Robert
   
   
   
   
4. Ruby on May 12th, 2007 11:29 am
   
   
   Thanks Robert
   I think I found the same agoraphobia blogs as you….lol….that have nothing to do with agoraphobia at all. I haven’t found any real ones yet.
   Thank you both for your support, it’s nice to share the trials and tribulations.
   I’ll look forward to seeing what else Marie has tried.
   Ruby
   
   
   
   
5. teresa on May 13th, 2007 4:44 pm
   
   
   well good on you, I think its fantastic that you have tools like this so you can still intereact with people, with this disease or not, and so still continue learning about others and yourself. And so others can learn from your expereince too and maybe make people learn more empathy for conditions that we dont understand from first hand experience. It’ just a shame there are so many obsticles out there for us humans and so many that we have with in ourselves. Head up, chin up, walk tall and walk proud.
   Bye for now,T