It’s such a huge area to tackle on one hand, and so simple on the other, so here is my story and point of view on the subject.
I was the black sheep in my family, I have 3 siblings who were always told they could do/be anything, but me - I was never good enough and wouldn’t amount to much - I proved them wrong on that score ;), though I still have self doubts about my abilities. The proof is in the pudding though I suppose and I have managed some great stuff (if I may say so myself).
I was also nagged (brainwashed) constantly about “What will people think?” eg, what to wear, how to act, how to sit, how to stand, how the house should be, how your children behave, don’t say what you think, don’t show your emotions etc etc etc etc etc - the list is endless!
I understand that this is the way the previous generation was, but by simply turning it around to “set your own standards”, rather than “having to meet others’ standards’” (who probably never cared anyway) , my life may have been totally different, such a small shift can give awesome outcomes. I am much better now than what I was, but I still have this overwhelming fear of peoples thoughts should I loose control in some way, it doesn’t have to be major loss either, just having to leave a trolley full of shopping, sitting down on the curb or leaning up against a shop wall to have a rest is something I can’t do, cause “what will people think”. I often see people sitting down on the side of a road for whatever their reason is, and I really wish that I could be like that, its not a bad thing, and people really don’t care, but in my mind…….. I know by thinking like this I am putting myself under so much more pressure than need be, but its a daily occurrence with one thought or another. If I was with someone else I would have no problem sitting down on the curb or whatever - how strange is that!!
I vowed that I would bring up my children with positive nurturing, and allow them to be who they were/wanted to be, help soothe their negatives, and really praise their positives. I believe that I did well with both my children and they have turned out well adjusted adults - don’t get me wrong they are not perfect, and I don’t want them to be either. I always thought before telling them off - will this help or hinder them? There were times when I hindered them terribly as any mother would understand 
but on the whole it was helping.
My daughter (Chloe - 24) thanked me a couple of years ago for being the best mum and supporting her so positively in everything she did - or did not do, and when seeing other friends relationships with their mothers she is very grateful she has me (she added that it would’ve been nice if I was rich as well, oops failed that one ) That was the best thing to hear and it melted my heart, but I was also proud of myself for having changed the pattern in the family lore, and to know they will not have to go through emotional baggage that I have.
My son (Rory), well he is a 19 old - need I say more I don’t expect to get any gratitude from him anytime soon, I know he is grateful by other things he says, but God forbid to actually voice any of those thoughts to mum. I know he is well rounded as all the girls love him - not because he is handsome or anything like that (which he is of course ;), but because he can sit down and talk with them on any subject for hours without any shame and he doesn’t care what his manly mates think.
Both of my kids will stand up and fight for their morals and values and happy to pass someone over if they do not have the same values. Me - I would have been too scared to voice my opinion. Secretly and ashamedly I sometimes feel a bit jealous of their abilities and wish I could have been as strong growing up, even now for that matter - I still worry too much about “What will people think?” but that was a term I never passed onto my children. My main term was “How would you feel if….?” to understand what it is like to stand in someone elses shoes for just a moment, empathy is a great trait.
I must say that I was a bit upset after my children were born and decided that I would not bring them up as a girl or boy, but both as children and let nurture make them into rounded human beings, when my son was only a couple of months old I can remember phoning mum, very disappointed that males are born males, and there is nothing you can do to change that!! but I still persevered My ex husband kept telling me that I was bringing up our son up to be a “girls blouse” (a sissy), that was a compliment to me!! I was doing right, males having feelings and emotions does not make them a “girls blouse”, just a much better person.
So I say nurture has worked much better in this generation, I hate to think who they would be if I had numbly carried on mum’s beliefs. They both still have their innate traits given by nature, good and bad, but they have been positively built on not suffocated.
5 Responses to “Nature v’s Nurture”
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Great post! It’s so easy to fall into allowing the expectations or parameters that other people set for us to control every thought. Like you said, even leaning against a wall could be a no-no because what people might think. If we were to let go of these expectations that aren’t even ours, we’d have a lot less anxiety.
Hi AP, Gostemayorere and Dr Jacobson
Welcome and thank you for your posts
Your perseverance and introspect is one that shows true motherly care. You have learned how to deal with situations with a positive outlook. Many are not aware that they can snap out of it or find a way to get help.