I still haven't had a full blown panic attack since reading Panic Away (except while waking up in pain, but I don't count that as it wasn't for the normal reasons.) I kept repeating to myself that every symptom I felt was just a feeling, I was the one putting the thought to it and making myself panic, and it has worked up to now.
I always felt all this was out of my control and there was nothing I could do, I could do CBT and other things, but it only ever got me so far. This was something I had control over, what the symptoms were, and that it was me translating them into something they were not.
I also downloaded the Linden method and the one great thing I took from there was how the amygdala - part of the limbic system - processes memory and emotional reactions and sets the anxiety level on past experiences. So I have been going around during my daily tasks talking to my amygdala!!!!
I thought I was crazy before, now I really think I am :-) but it seems to be working, these two methods are moving me along slowly but surely at the moment.
I have gone into more shops (still not shopping centres) and can stay in there longer, I have even managed to do a full shop (not done for two years now) on 3 occasions without even one panic feeling. What is weird though is that my thoughts still try to do the same things saying:- get out quick, you need to get to a safe place, but because I am not paying attention to the symptoms it doesn't go anywhere, and I go back to focusing on the shopping. I am utterly amazed and very happy of course.
I haven't tried anything different yet, like places I haven't been in years like going to a restuarant/cafe, the movies, or even somewhere where I can't bring the car and have to walk. I have proof that it is working, but I still don't trust myself - how totally conditioned we make ourselves. But I am in no hurry, I would rather take it slowly and build up the confidence, than dive in too deep and find I can't swim. It has taken years to get this bad, I don't expect any miracle cures that will fix it all in one swoop.
I haven't told any of my family about all this yet, I am forever building methods up to them only for them to fail a few weeks down the track. So I am going to keep slowly pushing myself until I am ready to surprise them with something. Not sure what yet, but I imagine it would be something like showing up for a weekend lunch at at a cafe.
January 15, 2010
Gallstones Update
It is nearly a month since I last posted, I promised myself I was going to be more regular after moving to blogspot! I came on to write a post and ended up spending a couple of hours reading everyone else's new posts, now I'm all blogged out :)
I had a lovely time over Christmas with all the family, though healthwise it was a disaster. After not being able to eat after the gallbladder attack before Christmas I took myself to the doc's, had to see my docs offsider, and he wrongly diagnosed me with a bowel obstruction and not to eat anything till it cleared. So having trust in the medico I survived only on water for 2 weeks!! and everything the chemist could suggest to help things along, I was still not hungry so that was not an issue and I felt great, but the worry of what it was doing to my body was raising my anxiety levels.
Had to wait till January 4 to see my doc as everything was closed down for the holidays, by this time hypochondria had starting setting in and I was dying with all sorts of illnesses. He was very angry to say the least, it was my gall stones that had caused the attack like I originally thought, so back on food again, but even now I am still eating very limited, don't really feel hungry but make myself have 4-5 snacks through the day. Had to have another ultra sound, my one gallstone has now multiplied into 2 large ones and one small one, will have more tests in February then it will be surgery to have it removed.
I never wanted to have it removed, as I believe it is needed for the body to function well, but after the last attack I can't wait to have it taken out, never want to go through that pain again, give me childbirth any day!
I had a lovely time over Christmas with all the family, though healthwise it was a disaster. After not being able to eat after the gallbladder attack before Christmas I took myself to the doc's, had to see my docs offsider, and he wrongly diagnosed me with a bowel obstruction and not to eat anything till it cleared. So having trust in the medico I survived only on water for 2 weeks!! and everything the chemist could suggest to help things along, I was still not hungry so that was not an issue and I felt great, but the worry of what it was doing to my body was raising my anxiety levels.
Had to wait till January 4 to see my doc as everything was closed down for the holidays, by this time hypochondria had starting setting in and I was dying with all sorts of illnesses. He was very angry to say the least, it was my gall stones that had caused the attack like I originally thought, so back on food again, but even now I am still eating very limited, don't really feel hungry but make myself have 4-5 snacks through the day. Had to have another ultra sound, my one gallstone has now multiplied into 2 large ones and one small one, will have more tests in February then it will be surgery to have it removed.
I never wanted to have it removed, as I believe it is needed for the body to function well, but after the last attack I can't wait to have it taken out, never want to go through that pain again, give me childbirth any day!
December 21, 2009
Panic Away
I downloaded Panic Away Program last week, and have been reading every chance I got. Finally finished it today.
After so many years of reading so many books, I had heard it most one time or another, but there were a few things that I really took on board, firstly that menopause can be a cause of anxiety/agoraphobia. I have waded through anxiety for way too many years now, but I had been 'mostly fine' for 5 years prior to menopause starting, and that's when the agoraphobia started setting in. I have always believed that the menopause with its myriad of hormonal and chemical changes were responsible for the depth of it all, though I am aware that it was due to me being anxious in the first place. It was comforting to finally see it written :)
The Panic Away method is based on 'Demanding More' from your anxiety and then welcoming, embracing and accepting the anxiety and panic, its a total turn around on the usual coping skills that just mask the symptoms. So for this week I have been practising, it is such a weird notion after spending years fearing it, but it is getting easier everyday and I believe it is making a substantial difference.
He also talks about the "Gratitude Exercise' - to spend some time every morning focusing on the things you appreciate about your life. This is something that I have come across before, but it was great to be reminded of again. Mornings are not my best time :) maybe that is why it's a good reason to do it then.
Then there was the Adrenalin sensations, we all know that adrenalin is our own worst enemy, because we buy into the symptoms and turn them into a panic attack. Another good reminder that it is our fear of bodily sensations that cause our anxiety and panic, so this week I have been looking at my body sensations for what they are, and not interpreting them as the start of panic, and that has been helping heaps, again it is very hard to turn around thinking that I was beginning to think was hard wired.
It was great to read a program that was not out to mask the symptoms with varied coping skills, but rather work towards eliminating the underlying problem to end anxiety. I am really glad that I read this program, I wrote down the things I need to be reminded of and pinned it up for me look at every day so I don't slip back into my bad habits, it is way too easy to be drawn back to usual ways.
I do not want to be a victim of anxiety any more!
After so many years of reading so many books, I had heard it most one time or another, but there were a few things that I really took on board, firstly that menopause can be a cause of anxiety/agoraphobia. I have waded through anxiety for way too many years now, but I had been 'mostly fine' for 5 years prior to menopause starting, and that's when the agoraphobia started setting in. I have always believed that the menopause with its myriad of hormonal and chemical changes were responsible for the depth of it all, though I am aware that it was due to me being anxious in the first place. It was comforting to finally see it written :)
The Panic Away method is based on 'Demanding More' from your anxiety and then welcoming, embracing and accepting the anxiety and panic, its a total turn around on the usual coping skills that just mask the symptoms. So for this week I have been practising, it is such a weird notion after spending years fearing it, but it is getting easier everyday and I believe it is making a substantial difference.
He also talks about the "Gratitude Exercise' - to spend some time every morning focusing on the things you appreciate about your life. This is something that I have come across before, but it was great to be reminded of again. Mornings are not my best time :) maybe that is why it's a good reason to do it then.
Then there was the Adrenalin sensations, we all know that adrenalin is our own worst enemy, because we buy into the symptoms and turn them into a panic attack. Another good reminder that it is our fear of bodily sensations that cause our anxiety and panic, so this week I have been looking at my body sensations for what they are, and not interpreting them as the start of panic, and that has been helping heaps, again it is very hard to turn around thinking that I was beginning to think was hard wired.
It was great to read a program that was not out to mask the symptoms with varied coping skills, but rather work towards eliminating the underlying problem to end anxiety. I am really glad that I read this program, I wrote down the things I need to be reminded of and pinned it up for me look at every day so I don't slip back into my bad habits, it is way too easy to be drawn back to usual ways.
I do not want to be a victim of anxiety any more!
Gallbladder Attack and Christmas
I had another attack last night - 4 hours of acute pain!! up till 5 in the morning with it. So today I spent time typing out a list of foods that I can have and those I need to avoid and stuck it up inside my pantry door so I don't get lazy. I am usually pretty careful, but after no attacks for a while I do become a bit complacent, but this is two in a week now, so I better listen to my body. All I had to eat today was yoghurt and fresh fruit juice as my tummy was way to tender.
So Christmas dinner will be very bland for me this year. Mum used to make the full traditional dinner years ago, but as time went on it became smaller and smaller. Me and my sisters took on the task last year and it went pretty well, this year we decided to go all out and do all the dishes as we had when we were kids.
I spent this week cooking the meats - the meats I now wont be able to eat!
One sister spent today baking all the cakes and sweets - the cakes and sweets I wont be able to eat!
The other sister is doing all the side dishes - I will be able to have some of them :)
I totally love our traditional European xmas dinner and have been looking forward to it for months, now I will need to just enjoy the aromas.
So Christmas dinner will be very bland for me this year. Mum used to make the full traditional dinner years ago, but as time went on it became smaller and smaller. Me and my sisters took on the task last year and it went pretty well, this year we decided to go all out and do all the dishes as we had when we were kids.
I spent this week cooking the meats - the meats I now wont be able to eat!
One sister spent today baking all the cakes and sweets - the cakes and sweets I wont be able to eat!
The other sister is doing all the side dishes - I will be able to have some of them :)
I totally love our traditional European xmas dinner and have been looking forward to it for months, now I will need to just enjoy the aromas.
Work Update
Work finally got back to me on Friday. I was glad they took a few days to respond to my email, it gave me time to think things over and not just react.
She said they would not sign separation papers for me (which is because they are legally not allowed to put me off due to health reasons they were aware of when they employed me). They also changed their tune and said that since I have done such great work for them in the past year they would really like to keep me on, and promises to give me my required shifts. It was great to hear them suck up :) ....as I knew I had done nothing wrong.
I have decided that I will not stay with them, as I can not work for people who think I am a liar, that is not a healthy work relationship. But I will swallow my pride and stay with them till the new year so I have time to look for other work, I have already put a couple of applications in so hopefully I will hear back soon.
She said they would not sign separation papers for me (which is because they are legally not allowed to put me off due to health reasons they were aware of when they employed me). They also changed their tune and said that since I have done such great work for them in the past year they would really like to keep me on, and promises to give me my required shifts. It was great to hear them suck up :) ....as I knew I had done nothing wrong.
I have decided that I will not stay with them, as I can not work for people who think I am a liar, that is not a healthy work relationship. But I will swallow my pride and stay with them till the new year so I have time to look for other work, I have already put a couple of applications in so hopefully I will hear back soon.
December 16, 2009
Timely Psych Visit
Had my monthly psych visit today which I always look forward to, as it gives me my boost to move forward.
Before I get to my visit, I want to give a bit of background to my psych and why I like her. You can't just see any psych and get better, it needs to be someone that you click with.
We chat about so many different things so we don't always stay on target, I really like her attitude about our sessions, that where ever we end up is where we need to be, as we are still tackling the agoraphobia in one way or another, she is so adaptable and I really enjoy that aspect. She has differing views from other psychs that I have seen that want to make you into a totally well rounded person, she believes that you don't need to become 100% better in the eyes of others to be mentally healthy. I have always had an issue with being able to do everything - as I have no interest in that, for example - I am a hermit at heart and enjoy my own company, so I will never be or want to be a social butterfly.
Her take on getting better is: If it doesn't have a negative affect on other people, it doesn't matter what you choose to do or not to do, but the big thing is that it is a choice, and not controlled by the agoraphobia/anxiety. Eg, if you don't shower, other people will be affected by the odour. If you don't go to luncheons, it really doesn't affect anyone, they may not like it but it, but you need to be accepted for who you are.
We have talked a lot about CBT and how I felt it helped me a lot in getting through my anxieties, but how the breathing always made me hyperventilate and just spiralled the panic to a point of no return. I had learnt the breathing technique of breathe in for a count of 4, hold for 4, breathe out for 4.
So she taught me her technique which I will be forever grateful for, it has made such a huge difference in me managing my anxieties. Take a slow deep breath in, then breathe out slowly counting to ten slowly and relaxed, then never worry about breathing in, as that is an automatic body function. So now I just focus on breathing out slowly to the count of ten. This has reduced my anxiety ten fold and was one of those light bulb moments that will always be remembered. I have not had a full blown panic attack since starting this technique.
Now to today's visit, I talked about moving my blog and scanning through the old posts, and realising where I am today compared to my first post.
And how last week I made it into the shop which was one of the first places that I avoided due to the panic attacks, I have been able to get into other small shops, but that was a hard one to face. I went in with goal of getting one item, but got four, and went down two aisles.
So we discussed that now that I am able to meet my needs eg. buying food, (I'm still not able to go to shopping centres, but since I hate shopping at the best of times, that isn't really a big issue for me) we are going to look at getting into office building etc. There are a few things I need to do, educational and medical, that I am not able to do until I can get into office buildings and attend meetings and appointments. Its not so much what I need to do, but more the waiting and giving my brain time to go off on one of its tangents - which usually ends up in a panic attac. Also its that I am not able to go anywhere where I am not able to park right outside the door, and pop and in and out without much hassle. So stairs lifts, parking bays too far away decide where I go and don't go.
So over the xmas break I am just going to keep going with what I have been doing.
Before I get to my visit, I want to give a bit of background to my psych and why I like her. You can't just see any psych and get better, it needs to be someone that you click with.
We chat about so many different things so we don't always stay on target, I really like her attitude about our sessions, that where ever we end up is where we need to be, as we are still tackling the agoraphobia in one way or another, she is so adaptable and I really enjoy that aspect. She has differing views from other psychs that I have seen that want to make you into a totally well rounded person, she believes that you don't need to become 100% better in the eyes of others to be mentally healthy. I have always had an issue with being able to do everything - as I have no interest in that, for example - I am a hermit at heart and enjoy my own company, so I will never be or want to be a social butterfly.
Her take on getting better is: If it doesn't have a negative affect on other people, it doesn't matter what you choose to do or not to do, but the big thing is that it is a choice, and not controlled by the agoraphobia/anxiety. Eg, if you don't shower, other people will be affected by the odour. If you don't go to luncheons, it really doesn't affect anyone, they may not like it but it, but you need to be accepted for who you are.
We have talked a lot about CBT and how I felt it helped me a lot in getting through my anxieties, but how the breathing always made me hyperventilate and just spiralled the panic to a point of no return. I had learnt the breathing technique of breathe in for a count of 4, hold for 4, breathe out for 4.
So she taught me her technique which I will be forever grateful for, it has made such a huge difference in me managing my anxieties. Take a slow deep breath in, then breathe out slowly counting to ten slowly and relaxed, then never worry about breathing in, as that is an automatic body function. So now I just focus on breathing out slowly to the count of ten. This has reduced my anxiety ten fold and was one of those light bulb moments that will always be remembered. I have not had a full blown panic attack since starting this technique.
Now to today's visit, I talked about moving my blog and scanning through the old posts, and realising where I am today compared to my first post.
And how last week I made it into the shop which was one of the first places that I avoided due to the panic attacks, I have been able to get into other small shops, but that was a hard one to face. I went in with goal of getting one item, but got four, and went down two aisles.
So we discussed that now that I am able to meet my needs eg. buying food, (I'm still not able to go to shopping centres, but since I hate shopping at the best of times, that isn't really a big issue for me) we are going to look at getting into office building etc. There are a few things I need to do, educational and medical, that I am not able to do until I can get into office buildings and attend meetings and appointments. Its not so much what I need to do, but more the waiting and giving my brain time to go off on one of its tangents - which usually ends up in a panic attac. Also its that I am not able to go anywhere where I am not able to park right outside the door, and pop and in and out without much hassle. So stairs lifts, parking bays too far away decide where I go and don't go.
So over the xmas break I am just going to keep going with what I have been doing.
December 15, 2009
Crappy few weeks
I feel like I have been on a rollercoaster for the past couple of weeks, not in myself, jut life in general.
Firstly I had a chemical reaction at a clients house, which knocked me for six for four days, when I slowly started feeling human again.
Work has since been decreasing my hours because I had to take days off after the reaction, it is their type of punishment or something, tit for tat! this is how they treat all the staff that do not conform to their expectations. So I kept harassing for more hours so I can meet my financial obligations, then Monday there was no work again!! they said they would fix it - they didn't.
No roster on Tuesday - though they swear they emailed it through, so that was taken as me avoiding work of course, cause they can't be wrong.
Then today I had a huge gall bladder attack today, that I really should've gone to hospital for, but I rode it out. Mainly because as soon as they see on my records that I suffer from panic attacks they treat me like I am over reacting!!! grrrr
So I called work to let them know that I would prob not be able to work tomorrow, which they got very huffy about. (I thought I was doing the right thing letting them know today, rather than half an before I was to start in the morning).
Then the supervisor phoned me back going on about how it is always one thing or another (this always is 5 x off for chemical reactions in 1 year, and 1 x off for gall bladder attack previous to today) and that it seems I am just trying to avoid work, and that I am not really sick just something I am saying to hide the 'real reason' I do not want to work, and no wonder I never get any shifts and that they will be employing more people in my area (meaning to replace me, but did not say so)
I was so upset I could not even speak to her, to be called a liar, and that I would make up being ill. I can't even believe that people who work in an industry caring for people can be so rude and thoughtless, but I am not surprised really, I have been astonished over the past year of how they have treated their staff.
So I composed myself and wrote her an email stating that the chemical reactions and gallbladder issue was discussed at my initial interview and I was told they would work around that. I also said they better fill out my seperation papers as I will not be able to continue working for people who think I am a liar.
I got an email back saying that she was sorry I felt that way!!!! I only felt that way because of the way I was being treated grrrrrr - do these people listen to themselves. They will be discussing my 'issues' tomorrow and getting back to me.
So now I have had next to no hours for the past 2 weeks, xmas around the corner and no job.
I am not that concerned about the job, as I know that I will have no problem finding another job as I have 10 years experience in the field. Just lousy timing.
I am amazed that I lasted a year there, but I was just glad to be ably to work on a casual basis where I could set the hours I needed each week.
Anyway, that is the end of my whinge, I usually try and look on the positive side of things, but that will have to wait until tomorrow :-)
Firstly I had a chemical reaction at a clients house, which knocked me for six for four days, when I slowly started feeling human again.
Work has since been decreasing my hours because I had to take days off after the reaction, it is their type of punishment or something, tit for tat! this is how they treat all the staff that do not conform to their expectations. So I kept harassing for more hours so I can meet my financial obligations, then Monday there was no work again!! they said they would fix it - they didn't.
No roster on Tuesday - though they swear they emailed it through, so that was taken as me avoiding work of course, cause they can't be wrong.
Then today I had a huge gall bladder attack today, that I really should've gone to hospital for, but I rode it out. Mainly because as soon as they see on my records that I suffer from panic attacks they treat me like I am over reacting!!! grrrr
So I called work to let them know that I would prob not be able to work tomorrow, which they got very huffy about. (I thought I was doing the right thing letting them know today, rather than half an before I was to start in the morning).
Then the supervisor phoned me back going on about how it is always one thing or another (this always is 5 x off for chemical reactions in 1 year, and 1 x off for gall bladder attack previous to today) and that it seems I am just trying to avoid work, and that I am not really sick just something I am saying to hide the 'real reason' I do not want to work, and no wonder I never get any shifts and that they will be employing more people in my area (meaning to replace me, but did not say so)
I was so upset I could not even speak to her, to be called a liar, and that I would make up being ill. I can't even believe that people who work in an industry caring for people can be so rude and thoughtless, but I am not surprised really, I have been astonished over the past year of how they have treated their staff.
So I composed myself and wrote her an email stating that the chemical reactions and gallbladder issue was discussed at my initial interview and I was told they would work around that. I also said they better fill out my seperation papers as I will not be able to continue working for people who think I am a liar.
I got an email back saying that she was sorry I felt that way!!!! I only felt that way because of the way I was being treated grrrrrr - do these people listen to themselves. They will be discussing my 'issues' tomorrow and getting back to me.
So now I have had next to no hours for the past 2 weeks, xmas around the corner and no job.
I am not that concerned about the job, as I know that I will have no problem finding another job as I have 10 years experience in the field. Just lousy timing.
I am amazed that I lasted a year there, but I was just glad to be ably to work on a casual basis where I could set the hours I needed each week.
Anyway, that is the end of my whinge, I usually try and look on the positive side of things, but that will have to wait until tomorrow :-)
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