Reading a newsletter from Agoraphobia Resource Centre at http://www.agoraphobia.ws/newslettermay292007.htm named “Finding a Purpose Greater than Fear” was a great read. It discusses how man can conquer just about anything if he/she has a purpose in
life. This has made me think a lot of how most of my days purpose is focused on my anxiety and agoraphobia instead of finding or working towards a purpose for life. I grew up having to just survive my teenage years, so I never had a purpose or goal for the future, then I had children and my life was focussed on them and I got put on the back burner.
Now that the children have grown I find that I do not have a purpose for myself. This is something I am going to really look at hard and see what options I can come up with.
May 30, 2007
May 28, 2007
I Need Sleep!
I have had such bad sleep patterns in the last few days because of the noisy neighbours and Rory and his mates watching DVD’s till all hours (not that I mind him having fun, it was just bad timing), so I haven’t done anything at all out of the house. I have been feeling fairly low due to the lack of sleep which has in turn brought out the negativeness in me and that is never a good thing, I like to try to be as positive as possible. I went to bed early tonight to get a good sleep before my busy Monday and I got three messages and two phone calls after only two hours of sleep. My phone hardly ever rings, very strange how they all call at the one time. I didn’t answer the calls but it still woke me and now I am having trouble getting back to sleep again.
I was talking to a GROW member over the weekend, and all of a sudden I started going on about how I’m feeling pressured with all the tasks from the psychologist. I feel that I am not getting enough time to get a grasp on each task before starting the next one and I am feeling overwhelmed at walking on my own and am scared that if I don’t meet the tasks she will say that I am not meeting the targets and cancel the appointments like she did a couple of weeks ago. Weird how I didn’t know that was how I was feeling until it came out of my mouth.
I know that it is a government mental health organisation and they are very busy and are behind the eight ball, but am I just wasting their time and mine by attending and not given the time to get better. I will talk to her about this tomorrow at our appointment and see what happens from there.
I have consolidated all my address books and email addresses though, that took a while, there were bits everywhere, so at least something is moving in the right direction.
Ruby
I was talking to a GROW member over the weekend, and all of a sudden I started going on about how I’m feeling pressured with all the tasks from the psychologist. I feel that I am not getting enough time to get a grasp on each task before starting the next one and I am feeling overwhelmed at walking on my own and am scared that if I don’t meet the tasks she will say that I am not meeting the targets and cancel the appointments like she did a couple of weeks ago. Weird how I didn’t know that was how I was feeling until it came out of my mouth.
I know that it is a government mental health organisation and they are very busy and are behind the eight ball, but am I just wasting their time and mine by attending and not given the time to get better. I will talk to her about this tomorrow at our appointment and see what happens from there.
I have consolidated all my address books and email addresses though, that took a while, there were bits everywhere, so at least something is moving in the right direction.
Ruby
2 Responses to “I Need Sleep!”
May 25, 2007
No Advances Yet
Well I haven’t ventured out for my walks to the corner as yet, just the thought doing it freezes me on the spot and starts off a panic attack. I walked out to the letterbox today, and I had a look up towards the corner and it was so overwhelming I couldn’t believe it, I just can’t do it.
I can’t even seem to pinpoint what it is that is stopping me, I know that it is my anxiety obviously, but aside from that the only other thing is that it is so far out of my comfort zone that it scares me, as if I was stepping into another world that I don’t know or understand.
Its really weird when I know that ‘rationally’ there should be no fear to do what millions of people do everyday all around the world, some with war around them, and I can’t even walk 500m because of an inner irrational (although real) fear.
I sometimes get angry at myself, but then I have to stop and look at how far I have come since not even being able to leave my bedroom because of the agoraphobia. I also think that if this had been treated properly years ago I wouldn’t have spent the last 19 years using avoidance as a coping mechanism and thinking that I was ‘coping’ - not leading up to where I am today. But I can’t blame the past I suppose, I have to work forward one day at a time.
I can’t even seem to pinpoint what it is that is stopping me, I know that it is my anxiety obviously, but aside from that the only other thing is that it is so far out of my comfort zone that it scares me, as if I was stepping into another world that I don’t know or understand.
Its really weird when I know that ‘rationally’ there should be no fear to do what millions of people do everyday all around the world, some with war around them, and I can’t even walk 500m because of an inner irrational (although real) fear.
I sometimes get angry at myself, but then I have to stop and look at how far I have come since not even being able to leave my bedroom because of the agoraphobia. I also think that if this had been treated properly years ago I wouldn’t have spent the last 19 years using avoidance as a coping mechanism and thinking that I was ‘coping’ - not leading up to where I am today. But I can’t blame the past I suppose, I have to work forward one day at a time.
May 23, 2007
Going Great
Its Wednesday night and things have been going great in the way that I feel, its getting better every day. I saw the psychologist on Monday and we went further into the CBT there is so much more to it than meets the eye, if you don’t get it right then it wont benefit so focused on the differences with thoughts and emotions and the tasks we set up was for me to walk to the corner and back either by myself or with my dog, I haven’t ventured to the corner yet but have gone to the letterbox one more time. Just the thought of walking to the corner makes me so anxious and overwhelmed, that I just try to not think of it, I really don’t know if it is something I am ready to take on at this time, but I will try and see how I go.
Then I had an appointment with the psychiatrist to check how the new medication is going, and he is happy with the outcome, so I wont need to see him again.
Because of the psychiatrist appointment I missed the GROW meeting, but I went along to have coffee with them after the meeting, that was nice, but I mainly went so I kept in the habit of going each Monday.
Yesterday I rearranged the furniture in the house, to give me and my son some more privacy when he has his friends over. I moved the TV out of my bedroom and set it up in the dining room for me to make the bedroom for sleeping only and so I don’t have to be cooped up in my bedroom.
Today I cordoned off a section of the garden to keep my succulents in as the dog likes to dig up small plants, its looking pretty good I think. I made it big enough so I can keep my seedlings etc there as well.
Ruby
Then I had an appointment with the psychiatrist to check how the new medication is going, and he is happy with the outcome, so I wont need to see him again.
Because of the psychiatrist appointment I missed the GROW meeting, but I went along to have coffee with them after the meeting, that was nice, but I mainly went so I kept in the habit of going each Monday.
Yesterday I rearranged the furniture in the house, to give me and my son some more privacy when he has his friends over. I moved the TV out of my bedroom and set it up in the dining room for me to make the bedroom for sleeping only and so I don’t have to be cooped up in my bedroom.
Today I cordoned off a section of the garden to keep my succulents in as the dog likes to dig up small plants, its looking pretty good I think. I made it big enough so I can keep my seedlings etc there as well.
Ruby
2 Responses to “Going Great”
- Robert on May 24th, 2007 9:20 am
Hi Ruby -
Just checking up on you & you’re still doing well!
The CBT is helping, I’m sure; but it’s your real desire to change that’s pushing you forward. I really believe you’ve got what it takes to succeed!
Still rootin’ for you…
Robert
- Ruby on May 25th, 2007 5:24 pm
Thanks Robert
Yes that is true I do have a desire to change, but I don’t think I could do it without the tools I am learning so its probably 50/50.
It’s easy to expand on the things that you have been doing, but the stuff that I haven’t done for years and years are going to be the biggest hurdles.
I am not so confident about those, but I shouldn’t jinx myself….
May 20, 2007
Sunday Again Already
The days seem to fly by at the moment, I haven’t made an entry since Thursday. Well Thursday night I didn’t sleep well due to the neighbours arguing and then they started again at 5am, so I slept in till about noon. I picked up Rory from work and we went shopping at Coles (large supermarket) and again I managed my anxiety pretty well, but was glad to get out of there. Saturday morning I went to a cafe with Chloe to have a bit of a catch-up, it was rather busy but we managed to get a seat right by the door which made me feel a lot better, then we met Rory at home. After Chloe left we went to BigW to get him some shirts and socks. When we were walking into the shops I realised I still had my slippers on, normally I would not have gone in as my anxiety about what people would think would have made me go home. But I persevered as it was only going to be a quick in and out and kept panic attacks at bay.
I had to really concentrate on my breathing to keep my anxiety at bay, which also made me not focus on what people were thinking.
I had a task that I had to complete from GROW, to read a paragraph of their book daily, which I didn’t do, I only read it a couple of times. I think I have to set a specific time aside each day to complete my tasks, as that is what will help me. Now I have to own up to this tomorrow at the meeting, which is never a pleasant thing to do.
I had to really concentrate on my breathing to keep my anxiety at bay, which also made me not focus on what people were thinking.
I had a task that I had to complete from GROW, to read a paragraph of their book daily, which I didn’t do, I only read it a couple of times. I think I have to set a specific time aside each day to complete my tasks, as that is what will help me. Now I have to own up to this tomorrow at the meeting, which is never a pleasant thing to do.
May 17, 2007
The Letterbox
While I was still floating about the achievement at the restaurant, I decided to tackle the task the psych had set for me, which was to walk out to the letterbox.
I always checked it driving in the units driveway to avoid having to walk out there, I was so concerned about what the neighbours would think if I had a panic attack while walking, that I have avoided for a year now, so after all morning psyching myself up and using the CBT and breathing skills off I went (I did wait till everyone was indoors) and I completed my first task, I focused on my breathing the whole time so I wouldn’t start the panic cycle (and then there was no mail in there anyway, which made the effort seem useless). When I got back inside I gave a huge relief breath and had a mild panic attack. But I made it and faced my agoraphobia head on, which is the main thing.
Because winter is setting in, I am crocheting my little lapdog a jumper (she hates the cold) so I can take her for walks up to the corner. I haven’t walked anywhere for so many years, I can’t even remember the last time. So I will master the letterbox before I start on this one.
I used to get newsletters from Stephen Price who is a recovered agoraphobic himself and is currently studying his doctorate in psychology. He is going to write a book on the subject, and he is using a blog to get others input as well, have a look at his blog and website, I have links to both on here, Blog: Panic Disorder Book Project and Website: Agoraphobia Resource Centre
Ruby
I always checked it driving in the units driveway to avoid having to walk out there, I was so concerned about what the neighbours would think if I had a panic attack while walking, that I have avoided for a year now, so after all morning psyching myself up and using the CBT and breathing skills off I went (I did wait till everyone was indoors) and I completed my first task, I focused on my breathing the whole time so I wouldn’t start the panic cycle (and then there was no mail in there anyway, which made the effort seem useless). When I got back inside I gave a huge relief breath and had a mild panic attack. But I made it and faced my agoraphobia head on, which is the main thing.
Because winter is setting in, I am crocheting my little lapdog a jumper (she hates the cold) so I can take her for walks up to the corner. I haven’t walked anywhere for so many years, I can’t even remember the last time. So I will master the letterbox before I start on this one.
I used to get newsletters from Stephen Price who is a recovered agoraphobic himself and is currently studying his doctorate in psychology. He is going to write a book on the subject, and he is using a blog to get others input as well, have a look at his blog and website, I have links to both on here, Blog: Panic Disorder Book Project and Website: Agoraphobia Resource Centre
Ruby
2 Responses to “The Letterbox”
- Robert on May 20th, 2007 9:19 am
Hi Ruby -
Congratulations on your trip to the restaurant. And to the letterbox. You seem to be getting more confident. I hope it continues!
Robert
- Ruby on May 20th, 2007 12:59 pm
Thanks Robert
Yes, so do I. It definitely gave me confidence to know I am capable, but it all depends on how I feel on the day but I can’t praise the breathing and CBT enough it has made a huge difference.
Ruby
May 16, 2007
Mother’s Day Dinner
Well I did it!!!!! Yeeeha!!!! I’m pretty pleased with myself, didn’t think I would last out the meal before I had to go racing off outside to have a panic attack.
Chloe and her boyfriend came and picked up Rory and me and we headed of into the city, by this time I had worked myself up to a mild anxiety. We parked further away from the restaurant than I would’ve liked, but I kept quiet and focused on the conversation to distract myself. When we got there it was very full so we asked to sit at the back, away from the throng of people and serving tables, it was a smorgasbord and I had walk up to the serving tables for each course, which I didn’t find as anxious as I thought. We had a really nice time and lots of laughs. There was a few times I felt my anxiety rising, but I practised my skills before it got too out of hand and I was able to keep it manageable.
Walking back to the car I got fairly anxious as the car was not in sight of the restaurant, I kept distracting myself with the conversations going on, and again I made it fine with only one mild panic attack.
When I got home I couldn’t sleep for a few hours as I was so overfull from all the great food. But I got to sleep at a reasonable hour and woke up around 8 this morning.
I keep negating my ability by thinking that it was only because I was with my family, but then I give myself a stern talking to, to remind myself that it was me who managed it…no one else.
Thanks for a lovely evening kids.
Ruby
Chloe and her boyfriend came and picked up Rory and me and we headed of into the city, by this time I had worked myself up to a mild anxiety. We parked further away from the restaurant than I would’ve liked, but I kept quiet and focused on the conversation to distract myself. When we got there it was very full so we asked to sit at the back, away from the throng of people and serving tables, it was a smorgasbord and I had walk up to the serving tables for each course, which I didn’t find as anxious as I thought. We had a really nice time and lots of laughs. There was a few times I felt my anxiety rising, but I practised my skills before it got too out of hand and I was able to keep it manageable.
Walking back to the car I got fairly anxious as the car was not in sight of the restaurant, I kept distracting myself with the conversations going on, and again I made it fine with only one mild panic attack.
When I got home I couldn’t sleep for a few hours as I was so overfull from all the great food. But I got to sleep at a reasonable hour and woke up around 8 this morning.
I keep negating my ability by thinking that it was only because I was with my family, but then I give myself a stern talking to, to remind myself that it was me who managed it…no one else.
Thanks for a lovely evening kids.
Ruby
2 Responses to “Mother’s Day Dinner”
- Stephen Price on May 16th, 2007 10:56 pm
Ruby,
You are a good writer and share the experiences of an agoraphobic well. You probably aready know this, but I had to give myself credit every little victory no matter how small. There were times during my days as an agoraphobic that I could not even have done what you describe on this post. - Stephen
- Ruby on May 17th, 2007 12:47 pm
Hi Stephen
It is so hard to give ourselves credit, we minimise our achievements so well. When agoraphobia kicked in this time around, I was not able to leave my house for 3 months months, I had an acquaintance to buy a huge shop that lasted me for that time, then I had to make myself get up to the corner shop to buy a couple of things at a time, as I didn’t have any support, and wanting to eat is a good motivator… When my son came to live with me 2 months later I found I could be his taxi service (on a good day). I still only leave the house when I really have to, which is about twice a week, and it takes me half the day to psych myself into it.
I wish I could’ve started this blog at the beginning as I have found it very helpful dissecting my days.
Now I can do things with other people but not on my own, but I am slowly regaining my life bit by bit. I have avoided so many situations for the last 19 years that there are some things that may stay that way, but if I can get back to being employable I will be happy with that for now.
I really feel for people that have been housebound for years, I am such an independent (or maybe stubborn)person, because I had overcome it to some degree once before, I knew that eventually I would do it again with the right skills in place. There is still a long road ahead of me, but with programs like yours, which was a great help to me in itself but also the realisation that I am not alone.
Good luck with your book, you have so much information on this subject, I am really looking forward to the end result.
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Just a fact that you should not disregard…
PSYCHIATRISTS ARE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT!
Go at your own speed, listen to your body, visualize positive scenes when you get some quiet time, and it will all come together in due course.
Best wishes
Robert
Yes they are only people and everyone is different, I couldn’t make my appointment this week, but I will discuss this with her next week when I see her. This is something I want to do - being able to walk places - I know that I have to bite the bullet, but I need to put some strategies in place in first and start of with baby steps.
Thanks for your support, its so nice to know I’m not in this alone.