Second Week of Work

My job is going great. I was a bit hard changing my sleeping patterns again after working a week of days and then starting nights straight away. I think I have a routine going now, I stay up till around 10-12am then sleep till around 6-8, so I get a chance to get to the shops, pay bills or make phone calls and get to spend some time with Rory before heading off to work at night.

Things are starting to fall into place with my role at work and I’m starting to feel more confident, which is a good thing as I will be working on my own from Monday. Its a bit scary to know that I wont have anyone to ask if something different comes up (which it will) but I will just have to email them and get the answer the following night.

I haven’t had any issues with agoraphobia or anxiety since I started, which of course I am really pleased with It is much better working nights where I don’t have to deal with people face to face, and I am looking forward to starting on my own. The other great things is that I don’t have to deal with peak hour traffic any more which is always a plus.

1. Robert on October 8th, 2007 7:32 pm

   Ruby, I’m really pleased that things seem to be going well for you.

Sickness Benefit

I got a call today from Centrelink to say that if I wanted to receive any further unemployment/sickness benefit I would have to do another mental health assessment with them.

I am so glad that I have this job now so I don’t have to worry about telling them all the ins and outs of my life any more, and report to them every couple of months with updates from the doctor. I realise that they require all this but it is such an invasion of privacy.

I Have Got a Job

Its been a busy couple of weeks. I had Rory’s 18th and then we went out of town to see Mum and Dad.

I applied for a job last Thursday and they called Friday and asked me start on Monday. It is working the graveyard shifts 11pm - 7am with a engineering training company and I will be doing the administration for their overseas offices, hence the graveyard shifts, because of the time difference.

When I saw it advertised I thought it would be perfect for me since I don’t sleep well through the nights anyway and I will be working on my own so I don’t have to worry about being overwhelmed with other people around all the time. Yes I know this is a type of avoidance :).

This week I have been doing training during the days, and I must say I was surprised how well I handled it. But I didn’t really have time to focus on my feelings as my brain was pretty fried every day with all the information I had to take in. It made it so much harder knowing that I really had to learn it properly within a short time as I wont have anyone to ask once I start on my own. On Monday I do further training on the night shift for another week, and then I am on my own.

So this weekend I am getting my sleeping patterns into gear for my work times and hopefully be prepared for Monday night, I am sure it will take the first week to work out how I will sleep. Not sure if I will sleep straight after I finish work at 7am or stay up till 12 or 1 and then sleep till around 9pm. I’m sure my body will decide which is best for it.

Ruby

1. Robert on October 4th, 2007 7:33 pm

   I was starting to get worried about you - no posts for almost 2 weeks!

   But now you have posted your good news, I’m sooooo relieved.

   Congratulations!

2. Ruby on October 4th, 2007 9:16 pm

   Thank you for your concern Robert, its nice to know someone misses me once I get into more of a routine I should be able to get back to more regular posting again.

Doctor & Psychologist

I have finally found a new doctor after one year of wanting to. It is such a relief to have made that move and to see a doctor who is actually proactive in assisting me in getting better. I have only had the need to see him a couple of times so far but I am very happy with his service.

I saw my psychologist for the last time two weeks ago, because of the mental health back log in Australia I was only to get ten visits but was lucky enough (or sick enough) to get fifteen. It was definitely a great help seeing her for this time, but feel I still have a long way to go before I am back to normal (whatever normal is…).

I am now having problems with social situations since I haven’t been in any for a year and a half now, so I am hoping that practice will heal that one, but I am not jumping in trying to get out there either. I am still happy just staying at home, not because of the agoraphobia but because I have no tolerance for people now. I have rejoined the GROW group on Mondays which was great to get back to again, and I am looking into other social groups that I can go to, but I haven’t found one that interests me yet. Now that I have my own transport I want to attempt to catch up with family again, that all live out of the city. I have lost touch with so many people since all this started this time around, I am in two minds if their friendships were even worth anything in the first place since they haven’t made effort to contact me. I understand that some have their own issues with mental health, and others believe that I need to time to myself to get better, but I believe personally that it is fear that keeps people away as they don’t really understand what agoraphobia means.

My sleeping pattern is getting a bit better, I am generally sleeping between 5-6 hours a night, but because I need a good 8-9 hours to feel human, I am still having a nanna nap in the afternoons, but at least there is some sort of routine now rather than really erratic like it was before.

Well there is a break in the rain, so I am taking my dog for a nice walk.

Ruby

1. Aff on September 18th, 2007 3:31 am

   Just a quick note to say thanks for the link. I’ve linked you back and bookmarked the site.

   I’ll definitely be back

2. Ruby on September 19th, 2007 1:00 pm

   Hi Aff
   Thanks for coming by, see you soon

   Ruby

3. Robert on September 19th, 2007 7:33 pm

   Marie makes friends easily, but once they find out that there are many activities that she can’t share with them, most let the friendship lapse.

   However, a few have stuck by her. Quality is better than quantity!

   I’m sure that your approach to socialising is the correct one, and it will pay off in due course. Visiting family, even if they haven’t been keeping in touch as much as they could have, will help you hone your smalltalk and chitchat skills!

4. Ruby on September 21st, 2007 1:40 am

   Hi Robert,
   I don’t have problems making friends, but I hate making smalltalk and chitchat it bores me to tears. I am sure I should have been a man as I believe that if you haven’t got anything real to say then say nothing…lol, which is probably why most women don’t hang around, cause I am just not a woman
   I would rather sit round a table with blokes than women any time. But I agree with what your saying that you have to practice social skills to keep them up to scratch and there is an art to it for sure.

Finally Back

There have been a few things happening since I was on last. Chloe left last week for her work, and not sure when I will be seeing her next, thank goodness for phones as I speak to her every couple of days. Rory took holidays to spend his 18th birthday with his old school friends and his dad and he has been gone for a week and will be back in another 3 days. It has been lovely to have the place to myself and have peace and quiet.

Chloe gave me her old car and she bought a brand new one, and it feels great to have my own transport now, so I am going to get stuck into finding some part time work without having to worry about transport.

I have been trying to get into a routine of taking my dog for a walk every couple of days, and have been doing pretty well so far, but the rain has come back and is staying for a few days so there wont be any walks till the sun comes back out. Apart from this I haven’t done many outings besides the shops etc.

Well finally got the keyboard for my laptop, sort of anyway. I bought it of eBay and when I got it I realised that this model keyboard can be secured by 3 or 4 screws, and mine is by 3 and the one that I bought was by 4. After contacting the seller numerous times to inquire about replacing or returning the item without any reply, out of frustration I finally ripped the screws off and now the keyboard is just sitting in the laptop unsecured. eBay is great for some things but I think I have to be more careful in future.

Reality Apart From Agoraphobia

While I have been sick, I have had a lot of time to ponder on this question. I haven’t been able to put any of my skills into practice besides the shops for weekly groceries during this time, but I have come to some conclusions about my illness.

Knowing that I have had agoraphobia to some degree for most of my life, it is very hard to see what is agoraphobia and what is a personality that has formed over the years. And like all personalities they are formed from trials and tribulations including having agoraphobia for over 20 years without being aware of it.

I have never really been a social or extrovert person, I have always preferred just a few friends and going out only with one other person, if I want to have a good time, otherwise I feel too self conscious and I don’t enjoy the outing at all and I have never enjoyed going anywhere by myself besides work and shopping etc., and have always been a bit of a homebody and really enjoy my own company.

So now I feel pressured that I have to start doing things that I would never have gone out of my way to do before, because I am supposed to be on the better side of overcoming agoraphobia.
But I have decided that I am happy being me, albeit socially stunted, and I don’t want a new personality that isn’t me. I am happy to just know that I am able to do things if I choose to and not having to go out and practice them every week.

Now I am sure that some will say that if I don’t put my skills into practice regularly then I am just using my avoidance behaviour, but I don’t believe this is true, its just a personal choice, because I have no interest in being a social butterfly or going on regular outings.

So that is the conclusion I have come to, I know I still have a way to go before I am free of agoraphobia, but I am definitely on the right path, and my next step is to find a club or group where I can start meeting people of the opposite sex as I have been on my own for nearly ten years now and would like some companionship and the occasional dinner.

Ruby

1. Robert on September 7th, 2007 11:32 am

   Hi there Ruby!

   Glad to hear that you’re doing well. Long may it continue!

   Robert

2. Ruby on September 14th, 2007 10:37 pm

   Yes well, sort of anyway, I don’t feel that the agoraphobia is restricting me as much as it used to do, but I feel I still have a long way to go. Depression, being out of the social circle and trying to work out what sort of employment I should try to get into now where I wont feel overwhelmed. But it will all sort it self out in time.

I’m Back From Illness

I finally feel better, this has been a horrible flu, being really sick for two weeks, then still coughing continuously for another week, and now coughing only around 20 times a day which doesn’t cause pulled muscles. This flu has gone around the whole country and is the regarded the worst ever, and I’m not surprised, its been horrid and I hope this is it for me for flu’s this year. Chloe is finally not coughing any more, and Rory still coughing occasionally and he had it before me.

I have bought a keyboard for my laptop on eBay, but still haven’t received it, it better be here next week as its driving me crazy carting around an external keyboard everywhere.