Another Year Has Flown By

Wow, I cannot believe it has been over a year since I posted here, it has been a very busy year !!

About the time of my last post I was considering moving to be closer to my mum, who has early onset dementia. That was a major consideration due living in government housing, and could I afford to rent privately if I got ill again???? At the end of October I decided to bite the bullet as I couldn't help out being 4 hours drive away. I had lived in this town 11 years ago, so knew some people as well as having contacts for work. At the end of November I made the move, with all the rush of packing and organising everything I had no time for being worried about the outcome, the decision had been made now so all I could do was make the best of it.

I started work in my field of Aged Care 3 days after arriving, yea I know, wow!!!! what a roller coaster ride it all was, but was the only way I could manage financially. Had the kitchen all unpacked on the first day (thanks to my sis) the rest took about six weeks. I was really enjoying work though I was very tired, got to spend lots of time with mum and dad which was great.

By the third month I had hurt my back, and to my surprise found out I had Osteo Arthritis..yay! that was all I needed, little did I know there would be a few more things I wouldn't need coming along. Luckily I have the attitude of accepting what comes along and deal with the best way possible. It was around this time the owners of the house were thinking about putting the house on the market (after giving me a six month lease and the promise of another 2 years after that). The stress was starting to build I can tell you!!!! I started browsing the rental lists again knowing I had three months to find something, I finally found something suitable and had to move myself (with lots of help from a great friend) While I was browsing the rental list I started working in the disability field which was what I first trained in, and loved being back - didn't realise how much I had missed it.
My daughter decided to move overseas for a year, I am really pleased for her, but I do miss her and can't wait till she returns.


Had a few small dramas with my back but it was manageable, within three months I was asked to step up to a office relief position which I was thrilled about, but really scared, I was qualified to do this role but had never done it previously. What a learning curve!!!!! All while still trying to fit in assisting mum and dad.

I must say here, that as much as there were stresses and a lack of time and learning a new role, I hadn't been that happy in a long long time - and to top it all off NOT ONE PANIC ATTACK - no one was more surprised than me.

A couple of months ago I found out I have high blood pressure, I was a bit shocked, but not surprised with all the stress of the year and the many years prior with agoraphobia, so yet another learning curve in change of lifestyle. Oh forgot to mention that I also faced turning half a century! the age part doesn't really bother me, but obviously my body thinks differently to my mind lol

Then came the last and biggest surprise came about a month ago, dad had an operation for cancer so I spent a lot of my spare time with mum during this time as well. Unfortunately the cancer spread, so chemo is next on the list with a good chance of getting it all....fingers crossed.

Last weekend I ended up going to emergency not knowing what was wrong with me....yep...a panic attack, no real surprises there, but I was surprised at how I didn't remember how bad they were after having them daily for nearly four years...bloody amazing I think. I am still on my medication, and my doc believes I will probably always need to stay on them, I am not sure how that will go, but I am happy to stay on them for now. I was fine the next day and with dad having been home from hospital for a week, I could allow myself to have some nice periods of rest.

 Last week I started my fourth holiday relief in the office and am slowly getting the hang of it, and loving it.

Can't forget to mention that menopause has dwindled down to almost nothing and that makes me very happy.

I must say a BIG thank you to those who have stayed by my side through these years, I know it must have been difficult and very repetitive. I love you dearly.

I can't say I am on top of the world, but it is still a nice view on the trek up :)

Work Update

Work finally got back to me on Friday. I was glad they took a few days to respond to my email, it gave me time to think things over and not just react.

She said they would not sign separation papers for me (which is because they are legally not allowed to put me off due to health reasons they were aware of when they employed me). They also changed their tune and said that since I have done such great work for them in the past year they would really like to keep me on, and promises to give me my required shifts. It was great to hear them suck up :) ....as I knew I had done nothing wrong.

I have decided that I will not stay with them, as I can not work for people who think I am a liar, that is not a healthy work relationship. But I will swallow my pride and stay with them till the new year so I have time to look for other work, I have already put a couple of applications in so hopefully I will hear back soon.

Crappy few weeks

I feel like I have been on a rollercoaster for the past couple of weeks, not in myself, jut life in general.

Firstly I had a chemical reaction at a clients house, which knocked me for six for four days, when I slowly started feeling human again.
Work has since been decreasing my hours because I had to take days off after the reaction, it is their type of punishment or something, tit for tat! this is how they treat all the staff that do not conform to their expectations. So I kept harassing for more hours so I can meet my financial obligations, then Monday there was no work again!! they said they would fix it - they didn't.

No roster on Tuesday - though they swear they emailed it through, so that was taken as me avoiding work of course, cause they can't be wrong.

Then today I had a huge gall bladder attack today, that I really should've gone to hospital for, but I rode it out. Mainly because as soon as they see on my records that I suffer from panic attacks they treat me like I am over reacting!!! grrrr

So I called work to let them know that I would prob not be able to work tomorrow, which they got very huffy about. (I thought I was doing the right thing letting them know today, rather than half an before I was to start in the morning).

Then the supervisor phoned me back going on about how it is always one thing or another (this always is 5 x off for chemical reactions in 1 year, and 1 x off for gall bladder attack previous to today) and that it seems I am just trying to avoid work, and that I am not really sick just something I am saying to hide the 'real reason' I do not want to work, and no wonder I never get any shifts and that they will be employing more people in my area (meaning to replace me, but did not say so)

I was so upset I could not even speak to her, to be called a liar, and that I would make up being ill. I can't even believe that people who work in an industry caring for people can be so rude and thoughtless, but I am not surprised really, I have been astonished over the past year of how they have treated their staff.

So I composed myself and wrote her an email stating that the chemical reactions and gallbladder issue was discussed at my initial interview and I was told they would work around that. I also said they better fill out my seperation papers as I will not be able to continue working for people who think I am a liar.

I got an email back saying that she was sorry I felt that way!!!! I only felt that way because of the way I was being treated grrrrrr - do these people listen to themselves. They will be discussing my 'issues' tomorrow and getting back to me.

So now I have had next to no hours for the past 2 weeks, xmas around the corner and no job.

I am not that concerned about the job, as I know that I will have no problem finding another job as I have 10 years experience in the field. Just lousy timing.

I am amazed that I lasted a year there, but I was just glad to be ably to work on a casual basis where I could set the hours I needed each week.

Anyway, that is the end of my whinge, I usually try and look on the positive side of things, but that will have to wait until tomorrow :-)

Its Been Such a Long Time Away From Here

As you can see I have moved my blog here, my other website's registration will be due in a few months, so thought I'd do something about it before I lost it all.

It was great looking over all the old posts, can't believe its been over two years since I became house bound ~ time flies when staring at four walls ;) It has also made me realise how many hurdles I have overcome in that time, which is a great confidence boost, it is amazing how quickly you forget how bad it really was. Mind you if it wasn't for work, I still wouldn't be leaving the house, so that has been my saving grace and a great confidence builder.

There have been lots of ups and down since March but mainly heading in the right direction. I still haven't conquered a shopping centre or large supermarkets, but I can do the smaller food shops on good days. Still have to park right outside shops to be able get in there, but I am working on that at the moment, parking one to three bays further away and that is going well on most days.

I am still working at the same place, and that is going well. Had only needed to leave work early a few times in the early days due to the agoraphobia.
I have had to leave early a few more times, but that was due to my chemical allergy, work thought I was trying to get out of seeing certain clients, I have explained it to them on various occasions including at my initial interview, but I think they still believe that I am not a reliable worker ~ I can only explain, can't make anyone believe me unfortunately.

Rory is still living with me, and I don't race into my bedroom every time his friends come over now, which I think he is pleased about, it must be hard to be a child of an agoraphobic and having to try and explain the very odd behaviours.

Chloe has moved back here now and is living in the middle of the city, the plan is for me to go there once a week, but it is very difficult as there is very limited parking close by, which is usually taken. I was very proud of myself the other week when I managed to get a spot right outside her apartment block, only to come out to a $100 parking fine as it was during peak hour traffic and there was no parking allowed at that time!!!
Lesson ~ read parking signs carefully in the city

Such A Great Feeling To Achieve Small Steps

I am getting rather worried about my specialist visit on the 26th, I hope I can manage it all ok as I really want to get this stuff sorted. A good friend is coming up from down south to come in with me, and I am really looking forward to seeing her as I haven’t seen her in ages.

On a good note, work told me that I had to go for a manual handling training for 2 hours last week, I freaked when she told me, luckily I had explained my agoraphobia to them at the first interview, so I told her my fears. This training has to updated each year for competency and I new I had to go, my supervisor called the facilitator for me and explained my situation.

I thought up all sorts of excuses of why I could not attent, but in the end I knew I had to at least try, so off I went!! I spoke to the facilitator when I arrived and she was happy for me to leave when I needed to. I think that just knowing I would not make a fool of myself by leaving early took away a lot of the anxiety. The session was for 2 hours and I stayed for 1.5 I was pretty pleased with myself. It also helped that it was in a small building with windows everywhere, and doors open to a courtyard.

A friend called me earlier this week and told me that I had to go into a small supermarket that is located right on the street and buy just one thing and then report back. I was quite put out by the demand, but appreciated the push at the same time. So on Friday after my shift I went in planning to buy something that was located at the front of the shop, I felt pretty good considering, so I made my way down the first aisle, by the time I got to the check out I had 12 items, I really surprised myself!! I started getting anxious and kept doing my breathing on the way to the check out, and was really really glad to be out when I got to the car, but I did it.

I go through such waves of emotions about getting over this, I get so sick of climbing this bloody hill only to fall off the other side (eventually - sometimes years, sometimes months) that I think I am better of staying where I am, each time before I have pushed myself hard to getting better but this time I feel like I’m so sick of fighting for nothing. But then days in the last week happen and I get a shot of positiveness to go on and fight again.

2008 - The Short Version

Gosh its been hard to think of whats been happening in the past year, I can barely remember what I did yesterday

I finished up at the night shift job as they were cutting down on staff, and then I went back working in Aged Care in a Nursing Home. It was very hard there having to speak with staff every day and find something interesting to talk about - since I do nothing! But I loved the work. After 6 weeks I started being nauseous every day (not from anxiety) and had to leave. But of course these symptoms made my body think I was having regular panic attacks again, and I went down hill very quickly.

I went for tests and found out that I had gall stones, but my doctor thought it was something else causing the nausea and pain so he wanted me to have an endoscopy to check for gastric reflux. But I couldn’t make it in to have the test, after being housebound again for 4 months I finally got the courage up to go in. There was no major damage there, so now I have to go in for further tests on my gallstones - in a much bigger hospital - so not sure how that is going to work, the appointment is on March 26.

I have found another job in Aged Care working part time in the community assisting the elderly at home with personal care, I am managing this fine, as there is no building I’m stuck in all day, just driving to each persons home and assisting for up to an hour, then back in my car - My Refuge Have been there for 2 months now, and still going strong.

I still can’t get into shops, offices etc but found last week a home delivery service for food shopping which is great (actually probably not great, as it is just using my great avoidance skills even more) but haven’t been into other shops for the whole year besides a small church food shop, local butcher and greengrocer that are not in a shopping centre, and these only on a good day.

Being a hermit at the best of times probably doesn’t help matters either, as I do not have any great inner urgency to get out into the big wide world.

Overall I feel much better now that I am working again, at least it gets me out of the house for a few hours each weekday. The rest of the time I pretty much do next to nothing. Actually that is not totally true, I have been recording free audio books for a site called “Librivox” and that has been great. They only record books in the public domain, so have taken part in some great golden oldies

I don’t want to bore you too much with my non activity over these months, so I will leave it here for now.

Its great to back online

Ruby

1. SARAH on February 26th, 2009 12:49 am

   I am SOOOOO happy you’re back

   x

2. coffeecup on February 26th, 2009 10:06 am

   Fabulous that you’re back!!! You were truly missed. We do worry what happens when folks stop writing, but to find you returned in such good spirits Ruby, is wonderful.
   

3. Ruby on February 26th, 2009 10:39 am

   Thanks guys

   Its great to be welcomed back so nicely. I’m really glad to be back.

Still Here

I have had a terrible time sleeping lately, it has been so hot that all I have been doing is laying in bed while I am home and hoping to get enough sleep/rest to get me through the next shift at work.

It has been ranging between mid to high 30C degrees daily as well as a few above 40C degrees. If I am still at this job next year I think I may have to invest in an air conditioner. Actually its not so much the cost of the air conditioner as the monthly running costs, but its only for a couple of months I suppose, and sleep is very important.

I will write once I am getting enough sleep to be able to think again.

Ruby

1. Robert on January 30th, 2008 9:45 am

   Hi Ruby!

   Good to hear from you again! I hope that things are going well for you.

   You can have some of the cold, grey, damp weather we’ve got here, if you like! But, actually, I prefer the temperature not to go too much above 20°.

   Best wishes!

2. coffeecup on February 1st, 2008 11:25 pm

   Hi Ruby, what weather you’re having! It’s horrible here, the wind is howling and it’s trying very hard to snow. Then it pours with rain! Yuck! Cannot get warm at all today.
   Worrying over sleep sure does make it worse. When you’re lying there thinking that you ought to be sleeping, it just causes guilt and more anxiety. I’m awake well into the night all the time, but don’t have the pressure of having to cope at work. It’s hard to battle with panic when you’re very tired too. I emapthise with how you must be feeling. Come to England where it’s freezing! We’re all sruggling to keep warm at night!
   All the best, Steph x

3. coffeecup on February 22nd, 2008 5:59 am

   Ruby are you okay? Getting a bit worried that you’ve not been around for a while. Hope things are well :-/

4. shellie on February 25th, 2008 9:29 pm

   I just came accross ur page today, i am so happy to finally read/hear that i am not alone in how i feel, i actually cried. I have been off work for comming up to 7 months with this “anxiety” and just feel lost. i don’t see a light at the end of my tunnel and am so desperate to go back to work even though i still wake up with heart palpatations so strong that my whole body shakes and God forbid i should have an unexpected knock on my door (i can never answer it), i’m too panicy to drive and can’t catch a bus on my own so i walk for miles and miles to anywere i need to go ( i say walk but it’s more like speed walking with headphones and a hat on looking at the floor). i have good days every now and then but mostly bad days, and i can’t even start to tell you about the stress that my work have caused mr from bullying from a manager to witholding pay to not being able to “guarentee” part time hours if i return to work.
   please, were u as bad as me and how long did it take u to see the light?

5. Grind on March 25th, 2008 11:43 pm

   Hey Ruby,

   Haven’t heard form you in awhile but hoping that all is fine with you and your family.

6. Mental Health Blog Research Group on March 30th, 2008 9:28 am

   Hello, we are researchers from The College of New Jersey interested in gaining information on the views of authors of mental health blogs. You have received this invitation because you are an author of such a blog. Participation will involve responding to surveys about your mental health and blogging habits. The results are completely confidential. No respondent’s personal identity will be requested or associated with any set of answers. We appreciate your time and help with our study and as a thank you for participating you will be entered into a prize draw. If you are interested or desire further information, please respond to mhblog@tcnj.edu and be sure to include a link to the home page of your blog as well as your preferred contact email address. The survey will be sent to you via email within the next few weeks. Thank you in advance for your participation!
   –
   Mental Health Blog Research Group
   The College of New Jersey
   mhblog@tcnj.edu

7. James Collins on April 4th, 2008 11:36 am

   I think your site is great and would like to trade links with you. My site is about my personal fight with agoraphobia. Anyway, great site!

   - James

8. James Collins on April 14th, 2008 3:21 pm

   I have agoraphobia also and it sucks Ive had it for 3 years now and it doesnt seem to be lightening up anytime soon.

   James
   http://www.anxiety-agoraphobia.com

9. Phoenix on April 29th, 2008 11:26 am

   I just clicked on to this site out of curiousity and I read a little bit. I suffered from panic attacks and agoraphobia when I was 16. I continued to suffer through them until I was diagnosed with brain cancer in 1998. I have long since recovered and I am writing a book about how I survived brain cancer, the foster care system and a couple of drunk husbands and finally a bad assualt on me before my diagnosis. I am hoping that a lot of people will read my book and learn how depression ties into anxiety attacks. I will be visiting this site again soon.

10. Sarah on August 15th, 2008 2:39 pm

    How are you doing there?

    x

Feeling a Bit More Positive

At the end of my last post I said I had to get to work, I couldn’t make it out of the house till 3 hours later I was in such a state, I was seriously wanting to quit work and lock myself away again, but I pushed through the few horrible hours. Once I got to work I was great, but the drive in was horrid.

But I am glad to say that I am feeling much better now, I kept slapping myself across the face (figuratively speaking - not that bad - yet) everytime I had a negative thought and made myself counteract it with a positive one. Now a week later it seems to have worked because I am not having as many negative self destructive thoughts. Work has even been enjoyable with no dramas driving in or home.

I haven’t had the chance to get to shops yet though as I had a busy weekend with friends from out of town staying Saturday night, and Sunday morning my gorgeous dog had four puppies, so all day Sunday I sat admiring them and their mum.

My daughter is home for a few days and hoping to get enough sleep in the morning to go shopping with her in the afternoon, I am really looking forward to spending some time with her as she arrived on Monday night and I had to head of to work so haven’t had much of chance to catch up.

I am at work, so I better get back to it.

Ruby

1. coffeecup on December 6th, 2007 9:03 am

   Gosh Ruby there’s so much going on there’s no time for you to feel anxious. Wonderful to hear that your getting through work so well and many congrats for the puppies! How you going to part with them? So cute when they’re little. Hope this positivity continues going on a roll and I’m very interested to hear about the benefits you get from the programme. Great to hear all this confidence!

Allergies Have Played Havoc This Week

Well I have been getting a little bit better this week in that I have been into the corner store to grab a couple of things by myself, and even went into the post office to pick up a parcel I was waiting for, though I waited in the car till I could see there was no line there.
But I have been feeling really depressed this week, and the only thing I can put it down to is that I have gone backwards and I feel like I don’t have the energy to fight again

Even though I work at night, on my own, some of the day staff eat spicy lunches with msg in them. I had to leave work early on Tuesday and Wednesday night due the smell still being in the building. My supervisor has sent around another email to everyone to ask them to please be aware and to throw any left overs and the containers in the outside bin, which I really appreciate the support, but it is hard for people to understand unusual allergies and realise the seriousness of them, so I will see how we go with that one, I hope I am not forced to leave another job.

I was just sitting preparing myself to head off to work, and was feeling pretty confident and anxiety free about the drive in to work, when my son came home with a friend that I don’t know really well, and now I am feeling really anxious just because they were here for all of 2 minutes on their way out, I hate the way it just grips us like that.

Well I’d better head of or I will be late in, here is hoping that the smell is gone out of the building, as my work is really building up with leaving early the last two nights.

Finally Got Back Here

Its been a busy month trying to get accustomed to working 5 nights a week. When I first started this job I was employed to do 3 night shift per week, the person I would be job sharing with was ill when I started so I offered to cover all 5 shifts till she returned. She has now decided not to return and I said I couldn’t keep doing all shifts, so I have cut it down to 4 shifts till they find another person to job share with.

This week is the first week that I have only done 4 shifts, and I am really glad that I made that decision as I was finding I was spending all weekend recovering and preparing for the next week and was not getting any time to myself.

I started having panic attacks again in the last couple of weeks, which is, I assume, because of working to many night shifts. I still don’t have a regular sleeping pattern but I am now getting enough sleep each day. I wasn’t using my coping skills at first but then started doing relaxation exercises before going to sleep to ensure a sound sleep.

I am still aware that working at nights on my own is not helping me getting back out into the community, so I need to look at doing something on my days off to get some interaction with people, besides my son and his friends.

I only get paid monthly which has been a bit of a culture shock, but it has been nice to get large amounts of money in my bank after being on government payments for over a year. I have repainted my feature walls and bought things that I have wanted for a while, like kitchenware and presents for family.

I will be back more regularly now that I have my work and sleeping pattern worked out.

Ruby

1. Robert on November 15th, 2007 9:10 am

   You have been in my thoughts in the past weeks, Ruby. Your news is a bit of a mixed bag - coping quite well with work, but having some panic attacks again…

   However, your post is quite upbeat, I’m pleased to see.

   Nice to see you post again!

2. Coffeecup on November 17th, 2007 11:20 pm

   Dear Ruby, I am so pleased that you left a comment on ‘My Wife Has Agoraphobia’ as it lead me to your page. How fantastic that you are out there in the work place! I empathise entirely with what you say about getting out into the community. I am really looking forward to reading all your posts and catching up on events.

   Wishing you well and happiness.

3. Ruby on November 21st, 2007 6:53 pm

   Thanks for your thoughts Robert, it so great to have people out there that are thinking of me even with me not having posted for a while. You and Marie are always in my thoughts, with how you are going, and moving forward.

   Nice to meet you Coffeecup :)I’m glad that you posted here, we all have to share together and support each others efforts in getting well. I too will be reading up on your journey. Yes the community!! such a scary move, but baby steps and positive thinking (on some days anyway :)).

   Ruby

4. Robert on November 21st, 2007 8:01 pm

   Yes, you’re always in my thoughts, too, Ruby. And I keep Marie updated on your progress. Somehow, I don’t quite understand it, we feel connected to you and your situation. Thanks for taking an interest in us!

   It’s REALLY important that people know that there IS hope when they feel that there is none, so your blog (and other similar ones) is, imho, very important.

Second Week of Work

My job is going great. I was a bit hard changing my sleeping patterns again after working a week of days and then starting nights straight away. I think I have a routine going now, I stay up till around 10-12am then sleep till around 6-8, so I get a chance to get to the shops, pay bills or make phone calls and get to spend some time with Rory before heading off to work at night.

Things are starting to fall into place with my role at work and I’m starting to feel more confident, which is a good thing as I will be working on my own from Monday. Its a bit scary to know that I wont have anyone to ask if something different comes up (which it will) but I will just have to email them and get the answer the following night.

I haven’t had any issues with agoraphobia or anxiety since I started, which of course I am really pleased with It is much better working nights where I don’t have to deal with people face to face, and I am looking forward to starting on my own. The other great things is that I don’t have to deal with peak hour traffic any more which is always a plus.

1. Robert on October 8th, 2007 7:32 pm

   Ruby, I’m really pleased that things seem to be going well for you.

I Have Got a Job

Its been a busy couple of weeks. I had Rory’s 18th and then we went out of town to see Mum and Dad.

I applied for a job last Thursday and they called Friday and asked me start on Monday. It is working the graveyard shifts 11pm - 7am with a engineering training company and I will be doing the administration for their overseas offices, hence the graveyard shifts, because of the time difference.

When I saw it advertised I thought it would be perfect for me since I don’t sleep well through the nights anyway and I will be working on my own so I don’t have to worry about being overwhelmed with other people around all the time. Yes I know this is a type of avoidance :).

This week I have been doing training during the days, and I must say I was surprised how well I handled it. But I didn’t really have time to focus on my feelings as my brain was pretty fried every day with all the information I had to take in. It made it so much harder knowing that I really had to learn it properly within a short time as I wont have anyone to ask once I start on my own. On Monday I do further training on the night shift for another week, and then I am on my own.

So this weekend I am getting my sleeping patterns into gear for my work times and hopefully be prepared for Monday night, I am sure it will take the first week to work out how I will sleep. Not sure if I will sleep straight after I finish work at 7am or stay up till 12 or 1 and then sleep till around 9pm. I’m sure my body will decide which is best for it.

Ruby

1. Robert on October 4th, 2007 7:33 pm

   I was starting to get worried about you - no posts for almost 2 weeks!

   But now you have posted your good news, I’m sooooo relieved.

   Congratulations!

2. Ruby on October 4th, 2007 9:16 pm

   Thank you for your concern Robert, its nice to know someone misses me once I get into more of a routine I should be able to get back to more regular posting again.

Five More Bus Trips

I have been on the bus five times since my last post. Thursday morning I didn’t feel as nauseous as Wednesday nor did I feel the need to go the toilet, but still didn’t feel comfortable and was very glad when I arrived at work. On the way home I had to stop off at the shops and get a couple of things which is about half way home (the whole trip is 9km), which meant that I then had to get another bus from the shops to home, for the 5km to the shops I tried thinking up lots of different options of getting to the shops, unfortunately there were none and I knew I had to get off. I also had to walk about 700m to get the shopping centre, which was hell, being in the open like that, I kept up the breathing and positive self talk. I quickly grabbed what I had to and returned to the bus stop where I had to wait 15mins for the next bus, but I was happier at the bus stop then having stayed in the shopping centre, the better of two evils. I got home after dark and walked home very quickly as I don’t feel safe walking at night.
Friday morning I felt OK about walking to the bus, but once I got on I felt a huge wave of panic overwhelming me as well as a strong feeling of having diarrhoea, I decided that I would get off at the next stop, once at the next stop I kept telling myself that I had to get to work and I knew that if I got off I would be feeding my anxiety for the next time. Then I decided that I would stay on the bus till I could absolutely not handle it any more, at each stop I had to stop myself getting of the bus and eventually made it to work, it was a terrible trip. Luckily there are never many people on my bus which makes me a bit more comfortable.
During work I tried praising myself for my achievement but the memory of the crappy trip kept overriding. I thought about catching a taxi home as I didn’t want to risk another horrible ride. By the time home time came I had talked myself into taking the bus because I knew if I didn’t then I would be taking a step back in my progress and I really don’t want to do that. When I left it was pouring with rain and I had a 15 minute wait at the stop, but I made it home with medium anxiety.
Thank God its the weekend and I can take a break from the bus and the anxiety and worry about it I really hate agoraphobia and panic attacks!!!!!
Ruby

1. Robert on June 27th, 2007 7:04 am
   
   Hi Ruby!
   I haven’t been online for over a week…and look how far you’ve come on!!!!!
   If your back is not pleasantly throbbing from much patting on it…it should be!!!
   Now you’re going down that road to recovery - at quite a pace - don’t look back :0)
   As always, I send my best wishes to you.
   Robert
   
   
   
2. Ruby on June 27th, 2007 5:56 pm
   
   Hi Robert
   Yes, I have come some way, and I HAVE to start patting myself on the back, I keep saying “its only because…..” my psych told me off for not owning my accomplishments and to start congratulating myself, which I am trying to do now.
   I think I’m scared to make a big deal out of it, in case it all comes crumbling down again. But I need to appreciate what I’ve achieved each day for that day and not thinking of the future.
   Looking forward to a sore back
   
   
   

I Survived The Bus! And Made It Home Too

I did it!!! My anxiety rose very quickly once I got out onto the street, and I started to focus on keeping my breathing at a good rate. I had to wait for 7 mins at the stop, luckily an elderly lady came to the stop who loved to have a chat which kept me distracted.
Once on the bus I started feeling very nauseous straight away I tried very hard not too focus on that feeling, normally I would focus on it until I started a panic attack, it worked on and off and had bouts of the nausea. I had to work on my breathing for the whole trip which at times was really hard and I felt exhausted by the time I got too work. One of my symptoms of my anxiety is the feeling that I am going to “wet” myself and that was constant for the whole trip, I had taken precaution and wore a incontenance pad, I did not need it, but it was a comfort to know I was covered.
On the trip home I felt a lot better, though did not enjoy the trip I had to focus on my breathing rate, and felt like I needed to go to the toilet, but did not feel nauseous . Hopefully that means that each trip is going to get easier every day.
My psychiatrist told me that I don’t appreciate my achievements enough, so for this one I am very proud of myself of completing this task. Now I am about to head off to do it all again…
Ruby

1. Sarah on June 21st, 2007 4:37 pm
   
   Hi..
   I’ve just recently started reading your blog and as an agoraphobic myself (currently in the midst of a pretty poopy relapse) i found this post very inspirational.
   Well done for making that bus ride. Public transport for me right now is a completely no-no, i can barely get in a car
   Anyway…i look forward in reading more of your blog.
   Sarah♥
   
   
   
2. Ruby on June 21st, 2007 7:48 pm
   
   Hi Sarah
   Welcome to my blog, I’m glad you got inspired. Relapses are terrible, I’ve had plenty of them over the years too - I feel for you.
   Its the baby steps that are important, and panic is not bigger than you, that’s just where people who suffer this horrible illness, put it.
   Ruby
   
   
   
3. Leonora on October 29th, 2008 6:00 am
   
   Well said.
   
   
   

Still Working

I am still working, I couldn’t bring myself to quit as I really want to stay there, it seems like a great place to work.
I did speak to the boss about the problem I may have with catching a bus to work, he was very empathetic and came up with some helpful suggestions. I am really lucky to have a boss who is so understanding and supportive… I hope I can repay his kindness by turning up on Wednesday afternoon.
I wanted to do a trial run on the bus over the weekend, but that would mean that I would have to make a return trip all in one go and that’s way too scary, it’s way too scary to catch it one way to work, never mind anything else.
I have got batteries for my mp3 player and picked out a good book so I can keep distracted. The plan was to work up slowly to getting on a bus (like walking to the corner first!!) and now I have been thrown in the deep end. If I manage to do this on Wednesday I am definitely going to treat myself to something nice :).

Mothers Day

It was a great day today, first time I have had both the kids around at the same time on Mothers Day. I watched footy (which I hate) and got to listen to Rory’s heavy metal music (which I also hate…lol) and then the kids went to a footy game, and for the best part, I got left with Chloe and her boyfriends washing to do but I wasn’t bothered, I had a great day.
I had a bit of a panic attack the other night, I was driving to Chloe’s place on Friday night and freaked about having to walk through the foyer to the elevator. I knew I should have used the breathing skills I have been learning, but instead I called her to come and meet me downstairs and I felt more comfortable. Though I have been using the breathing skills and I do find them helpful, but haven’t mastered to use them once a panic attack has set in, only to help prevent the onset.
I have finally finished sorting all the photos, 45 years of pics in one week it was a bit of a emotional roller-coaster ride, but it was also a huge overview of the great life I have had.
We forget about so many of the marvellous moments we have and sometimes only focus on negative, so from today I am going to try very hard to focus on the best of each day.
I applied for a heap of jobs online last night when I couldn’t sleep. It was mainly for a practice run and to see how employers take on that someone has stayed at home for a year, of course I didn’t specify why. Will wait and see if I get any replies. I do need to try to get a part time job, I have lived on Centrelink payments for a year now, and I am tired of being so broke all the time.
It’s hectic Monday again tomorrow. visit the psych and then onto the GROW meeting, then I have to pick up Chloe from work.
Thanks for your comment on the previous post T, I totally agree, there isn’t enough understanding or knowledge on mental health issues and that is part of the reason I am doing this blog, to hopefully help and/or educate others through my journey.

1. Robert on May 15th, 2007 9:57 am
   
   
   Hi Ruby -
   You’re right about the importance of focussing on the good things in your life. Here’s a suggestion you may find helpful (I got this from a NLP guru and I found it useful)…
   Get a pack of fluorescent card stars (or make your own). Attach one to a wall in each of the rooms in your home. Each time you see one, recall a happy time in your life and smile. After a while, you will have trained your head to do this regularly and you don’t need the stars any more.
   Robert
   
   
   
   
2. Ruby on May 15th, 2007 3:21 pm
   
   
   Hi Robert
   That is great idea, we spend so much time focusing on the negatives and not nearly enough on the positives.
   Please explain what NLP is, I have not heard of that before?
   Ruby
   
   
   
   
3. KonstantinMiller on July 7th, 2009 9:33 am
   
   
   I have been looking looking around for this kind of information. Will you post some more in future? I’ll be grateful if you will.