Sister’s Visit

My sister flew in from the country the other day, and luckily I don’t live far from the Airport, since I don’t have a car at them moment.

So I got a bus to the airport for 8 o’clock when she said she was flying in, but unknown to me she had meant that she left at eight. After reading the flight info and seeing she wasn’t in till 9 o’clock I went and read the blurb on just about every book in the bookshop, so now I know what is worth reading.

I was pretty anxious, but I knew I couldn’t go and leave her there, not knowing where I’d be, and the bookshop was a great distraction and that part of the airport was really quiet which I was very grateful for..

Finally she landed and we came home and had a great day together, it was so good to catch up without the kids around and just be sisters again. We didn’t do anything special just hung out and ate, and it was a perfect day.

So I’ve caught the bus now, just need a few more practices before the 7th of August.

Ruby

1. Louise on July 23rd, 2007 11:58 pm

   Ruby,

   What’s happening on the 7th August? (apart from my ex-boyfriend’s birthday, synchronicity at it’s best!).

   Thanks for your comment. Your lastest post brought me out in a cold sweat just reading it. My goodness, a bus and then an adjustment of waiting time would have had me asking a complete stranger to wait with a placard saying ‘Are you Ruby’s sister’ whilst I went and hid in a box somewhere. You are really good, especially with using the book blurbs as a distraction. That takes extraordinary strength of mind.

   Does it get easier doing it more and more? I know if you don’t run and get to the other side of doing something, it doesn’t reinforce it and has a desensitising effect, I just want to hear it from a normal person, not someone who wrote a book about it!

   Splendid work! I hope you and your sister have a great time catching up.

   xoxox

2. Sarah on July 24th, 2007 1:52 am

   **CONGRATS** for getting the bus. I know only too well about Mr Avoidence, but you did really good in getting on it and waiting in the airport

   WELL DONE…
   You show me that it is entirely possible to fight panic.

   Sarah♥

3. Ruby on July 25th, 2007 11:29 pm

   Louise
   The 7th is when I am supposed to catch 4 buses within 3 hours and see the psych, I don’t know that I will be ready for that big step.
   Yes it does get easier each time, it gives you proof that you wont die in the most horriblest (new word:)) way in public. Its weird, but I can do more if I am doing it for someone else, as where if I had to go the airport for me it wouldn’t have happened. I think that is another strange pattern learnt in childhood, that I am not as important as others.

   Also I find that it is sometimes 2 steps forward and 1 step back, but I suppose that is to be expected dealing with anxiety and panic attacks. Avoidance definitely doesn’t help at all, but it feels much better

   Thanks for your support too that really helps as well.

   Ruby xx

4. Ruby on July 25th, 2007 11:35 pm

   Thanks Sarah
   Yes it is possible, though not always easy (read reply above). Its lots of perseverance (and avoidance for me).

   I haven’t done much lately as its been raining every day, but not as much as England, its so sad to see the news of floods.

   Thanks for your support too Sarah, its such a nice feeling having people that understand, supporting achievements and backwards steps.

Psych Visit

On Tuesday I was supposed to go see the psych again. We have changed our visits to fortnightly now that she has taught me all the skills to get me through my anxiety and avoidance.

I was looking forward to going as I felt that I needed to see her to get my pep talk, especially after leaving my job. I got as far as the bus stop and that was the end of it for me, the thought of having to catch four buses and just a couple of hours overwhelmed me way too much. So I walked back home and called her at my appointment time and we just talked over the phone for half an hour. I was glad that I was still able to talk to her, but disappointed that I couldn’t get to see her.

She says that I am going very well (in the scheme of things) and that I have got a lot further than we thought I would by now. I am putting in place all the skills to get me through some of my difficult situations though the anxiety gets the better of me at times, but it’s such a nice feeling to know that I can do some things now and the rest will hopefully follow suit over time. Its nice to have someone barracking for you, it gives you that extra bit of confidence.

We have made another appointment for 3 weeks time, and it’s my task to practice the bus more until then, so I can actually get there.

I haven’t had any reason to get on a bus as yet, and I know that I should just catch it anyway, but I hate doing something if there is no reason for it, like doing a round trip on a bus going nowhere when I know its going to cause anxiety and panic.

Suppose that its something I have to force myself to do, otherwise its just more avoidance, but that will be easier said than done.

Five More Bus Trips

I have been on the bus five times since my last post. Thursday morning I didn’t feel as nauseous as Wednesday nor did I feel the need to go the toilet, but still didn’t feel comfortable and was very glad when I arrived at work. On the way home I had to stop off at the shops and get a couple of things which is about half way home (the whole trip is 9km), which meant that I then had to get another bus from the shops to home, for the 5km to the shops I tried thinking up lots of different options of getting to the shops, unfortunately there were none and I knew I had to get off. I also had to walk about 700m to get the shopping centre, which was hell, being in the open like that, I kept up the breathing and positive self talk. I quickly grabbed what I had to and returned to the bus stop where I had to wait 15mins for the next bus, but I was happier at the bus stop then having stayed in the shopping centre, the better of two evils. I got home after dark and walked home very quickly as I don’t feel safe walking at night.
Friday morning I felt OK about walking to the bus, but once I got on I felt a huge wave of panic overwhelming me as well as a strong feeling of having diarrhoea, I decided that I would get off at the next stop, once at the next stop I kept telling myself that I had to get to work and I knew that if I got off I would be feeding my anxiety for the next time. Then I decided that I would stay on the bus till I could absolutely not handle it any more, at each stop I had to stop myself getting of the bus and eventually made it to work, it was a terrible trip. Luckily there are never many people on my bus which makes me a bit more comfortable.
During work I tried praising myself for my achievement but the memory of the crappy trip kept overriding. I thought about catching a taxi home as I didn’t want to risk another horrible ride. By the time home time came I had talked myself into taking the bus because I knew if I didn’t then I would be taking a step back in my progress and I really don’t want to do that. When I left it was pouring with rain and I had a 15 minute wait at the stop, but I made it home with medium anxiety.
Thank God its the weekend and I can take a break from the bus and the anxiety and worry about it I really hate agoraphobia and panic attacks!!!!!
Ruby

1. Robert on June 27th, 2007 7:04 am
   
   Hi Ruby!
   I haven’t been online for over a week…and look how far you’ve come on!!!!!
   If your back is not pleasantly throbbing from much patting on it…it should be!!!
   Now you’re going down that road to recovery - at quite a pace - don’t look back :0)
   As always, I send my best wishes to you.
   Robert
   
   
   
2. Ruby on June 27th, 2007 5:56 pm
   
   Hi Robert
   Yes, I have come some way, and I HAVE to start patting myself on the back, I keep saying “its only because…..” my psych told me off for not owning my accomplishments and to start congratulating myself, which I am trying to do now.
   I think I’m scared to make a big deal out of it, in case it all comes crumbling down again. But I need to appreciate what I’ve achieved each day for that day and not thinking of the future.
   Looking forward to a sore back
   
   
   

I Survived The Bus! And Made It Home Too

I did it!!! My anxiety rose very quickly once I got out onto the street, and I started to focus on keeping my breathing at a good rate. I had to wait for 7 mins at the stop, luckily an elderly lady came to the stop who loved to have a chat which kept me distracted.
Once on the bus I started feeling very nauseous straight away I tried very hard not too focus on that feeling, normally I would focus on it until I started a panic attack, it worked on and off and had bouts of the nausea. I had to work on my breathing for the whole trip which at times was really hard and I felt exhausted by the time I got too work. One of my symptoms of my anxiety is the feeling that I am going to “wet” myself and that was constant for the whole trip, I had taken precaution and wore a incontenance pad, I did not need it, but it was a comfort to know I was covered.
On the trip home I felt a lot better, though did not enjoy the trip I had to focus on my breathing rate, and felt like I needed to go to the toilet, but did not feel nauseous . Hopefully that means that each trip is going to get easier every day.
My psychiatrist told me that I don’t appreciate my achievements enough, so for this one I am very proud of myself of completing this task. Now I am about to head off to do it all again…
Ruby

1. Sarah on June 21st, 2007 4:37 pm
   
   Hi..
   I’ve just recently started reading your blog and as an agoraphobic myself (currently in the midst of a pretty poopy relapse) i found this post very inspirational.
   Well done for making that bus ride. Public transport for me right now is a completely no-no, i can barely get in a car
   Anyway…i look forward in reading more of your blog.
   Sarah♥
   
   
   
2. Ruby on June 21st, 2007 7:48 pm
   
   Hi Sarah
   Welcome to my blog, I’m glad you got inspired. Relapses are terrible, I’ve had plenty of them over the years too - I feel for you.
   Its the baby steps that are important, and panic is not bigger than you, that’s just where people who suffer this horrible illness, put it.
   Ruby
   
   
   
3. Leonora on October 29th, 2008 6:00 am
   
   Well said.
   
   
   

Bus Trip Tomorrow

Chloe came to pick up the car this evening as she needs it (and not forgetting that it is her car). I have been stressing about tomorrow so much and I spoke to the psych about it this morning at our meeting.
She says that I have to transfer the skills I have used to be able to start work in doing other difficult tasks - like catching the bus - I find this hard to do as I have always worked with my anxiety and agoraphobia to some extent, and I have never transferred the confidence from work to my “home” life. This is something I spend most of the day pondering on, she is right of course, but I have always separated my work and personal persona and now I have to change my view on my home persona and transfer the thoughts I use to complete work tasks.
I have my bus times all worked out, double checked the batteries in my mp3 player and put a book in my bag to make sure that all distractions are in place for the horror half hour trip, not to mention the walk to get to the bus-top (about 3 min) can’t believe that I am having to meet two tasks in one go - AND I CAN’T FAIL!!! - I have to go to an out of office meeting - not just a normal day.
Ruby

1. Ruby on June 19th, 2007 10:41 pm
   
   A friend who had read this post called to say that they would give me a lift to work to save me from facing my fear of buses. I was really thrilled at the offer and was very tempted to take up the offer. But I know that avoiding this task now will make it harder in the future. So I anxiously declined the offer, but said that I would use them as a backstop if needed.
   Even a month ago I would have jumped at the offer, I feel very confident and strong that I was able to say, thank you but no. Somehow I don’t think I will feel that way tomorrow when I am heading up to the corner and taking the first step onto the bus.
   Ruby
   
   
   
2. Robert on June 20th, 2007 7:11 am
   
   Hi Ruby…
   I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you…
   Btw, brave decision!
   Good Luck
   Robert
   
   
   
3. >Ruby on June 20th, 2007 10:17 am
   
   Thanks Robert
   Its great to know people are supporting my efforts, it really spurs me on.
   
   
   

Still Working

I am still working, I couldn’t bring myself to quit as I really want to stay there, it seems like a great place to work.
I did speak to the boss about the problem I may have with catching a bus to work, he was very empathetic and came up with some helpful suggestions. I am really lucky to have a boss who is so understanding and supportive… I hope I can repay his kindness by turning up on Wednesday afternoon.
I wanted to do a trial run on the bus over the weekend, but that would mean that I would have to make a return trip all in one go and that’s way too scary, it’s way too scary to catch it one way to work, never mind anything else.
I have got batteries for my mp3 player and picked out a good book so I can keep distracted. The plan was to work up slowly to getting on a bus (like walking to the corner first!!) and now I have been thrown in the deep end. If I manage to do this on Wednesday I am definitely going to treat myself to something nice :).