Timely Psych Visit

Had my monthly psych visit today which I always look forward to, as it gives me my boost to move forward.

Before I get to my visit, I want to give a bit of background to my psych and why I like her. You can't just see any psych and get better, it needs to be someone that you click with.

We chat about so many different things so we don't always stay on target, I really like her attitude about our sessions, that where ever we end up is where we need to be, as we are still tackling the agoraphobia in one way or another, she is so adaptable and I really enjoy that aspect. She has differing views from other psychs that I have seen that want to make you into a totally well rounded person, she believes that you don't need to become 100% better in the eyes of others to be mentally healthy. I have always had an issue with being able to do everything - as I have no interest in that, for example - I am a hermit at heart and enjoy my own company, so I will never be or want to be a social butterfly.

Her take on getting better is: If it doesn't have a negative affect on other people, it doesn't matter what you choose to do or not to do, but the big thing is that it is a choice, and not controlled by the agoraphobia/anxiety. Eg, if you don't shower, other people will be affected by the odour. If you don't go to luncheons, it really doesn't affect anyone, they may not like it but it, but you need to be accepted for who you are.

We have talked a lot about CBT and how I felt it helped me a lot in getting through my anxieties, but how the breathing always made me hyperventilate and just spiralled the panic to a point of no return. I had learnt the breathing technique of breathe in for a count of 4, hold for 4, breathe out for 4.

So she taught me her technique which I will be forever grateful for, it has made such a huge difference in me managing my anxieties. Take a slow deep breath in, then breathe out slowly counting to ten slowly and relaxed, then never worry about breathing in, as that is an automatic body function. So now I just focus on breathing out slowly to the count of ten. This has reduced my anxiety ten fold and was one of those light bulb moments that will always be remembered. I have not had a full blown panic attack since starting this technique.


Now to today's visit, I talked about moving my blog and scanning through the old posts, and realising where I am today compared to my first post.
And how last week I made it into the shop which was one of the first places that I avoided due to the panic attacks, I have been able to get into other small shops, but that was a hard one to face. I went in with goal of getting one item, but got four, and went down two aisles.

So we discussed that now that I am able to meet my needs eg. buying food, (I'm still not able to go to shopping centres, but since I hate shopping at the best of times, that isn't really a big issue for me) we are going to look at getting into office building etc. There are a few things I need to do, educational and medical, that I am not able to do until I can get into office buildings and attend meetings and appointments. Its not so much what I need to do, but more the waiting and giving my brain time to go off on one of its tangents - which usually ends up in a panic attac. Also its that I am not able to go anywhere where I am not able to park right outside the door, and pop and in and out without much hassle. So stairs lifts, parking bays too far away decide where I go and don't go.

So over the xmas break I am just going to keep going with what I have been doing.

Such A Great Feeling To Achieve Small Steps

I am getting rather worried about my specialist visit on the 26th, I hope I can manage it all ok as I really want to get this stuff sorted. A good friend is coming up from down south to come in with me, and I am really looking forward to seeing her as I haven’t seen her in ages.

On a good note, work told me that I had to go for a manual handling training for 2 hours last week, I freaked when she told me, luckily I had explained my agoraphobia to them at the first interview, so I told her my fears. This training has to updated each year for competency and I new I had to go, my supervisor called the facilitator for me and explained my situation.

I thought up all sorts of excuses of why I could not attent, but in the end I knew I had to at least try, so off I went!! I spoke to the facilitator when I arrived and she was happy for me to leave when I needed to. I think that just knowing I would not make a fool of myself by leaving early took away a lot of the anxiety. The session was for 2 hours and I stayed for 1.5 I was pretty pleased with myself. It also helped that it was in a small building with windows everywhere, and doors open to a courtyard.

A friend called me earlier this week and told me that I had to go into a small supermarket that is located right on the street and buy just one thing and then report back. I was quite put out by the demand, but appreciated the push at the same time. So on Friday after my shift I went in planning to buy something that was located at the front of the shop, I felt pretty good considering, so I made my way down the first aisle, by the time I got to the check out I had 12 items, I really surprised myself!! I started getting anxious and kept doing my breathing on the way to the check out, and was really really glad to be out when I got to the car, but I did it.

I go through such waves of emotions about getting over this, I get so sick of climbing this bloody hill only to fall off the other side (eventually - sometimes years, sometimes months) that I think I am better of staying where I am, each time before I have pushed myself hard to getting better but this time I feel like I’m so sick of fighting for nothing. But then days in the last week happen and I get a shot of positiveness to go on and fight again.

2008 - The Short Version

Gosh its been hard to think of whats been happening in the past year, I can barely remember what I did yesterday

I finished up at the night shift job as they were cutting down on staff, and then I went back working in Aged Care in a Nursing Home. It was very hard there having to speak with staff every day and find something interesting to talk about - since I do nothing! But I loved the work. After 6 weeks I started being nauseous every day (not from anxiety) and had to leave. But of course these symptoms made my body think I was having regular panic attacks again, and I went down hill very quickly.

I went for tests and found out that I had gall stones, but my doctor thought it was something else causing the nausea and pain so he wanted me to have an endoscopy to check for gastric reflux. But I couldn’t make it in to have the test, after being housebound again for 4 months I finally got the courage up to go in. There was no major damage there, so now I have to go in for further tests on my gallstones - in a much bigger hospital - so not sure how that is going to work, the appointment is on March 26.

I have found another job in Aged Care working part time in the community assisting the elderly at home with personal care, I am managing this fine, as there is no building I’m stuck in all day, just driving to each persons home and assisting for up to an hour, then back in my car - My Refuge Have been there for 2 months now, and still going strong.

I still can’t get into shops, offices etc but found last week a home delivery service for food shopping which is great (actually probably not great, as it is just using my great avoidance skills even more) but haven’t been into other shops for the whole year besides a small church food shop, local butcher and greengrocer that are not in a shopping centre, and these only on a good day.

Being a hermit at the best of times probably doesn’t help matters either, as I do not have any great inner urgency to get out into the big wide world.

Overall I feel much better now that I am working again, at least it gets me out of the house for a few hours each weekday. The rest of the time I pretty much do next to nothing. Actually that is not totally true, I have been recording free audio books for a site called “Librivox” and that has been great. They only record books in the public domain, so have taken part in some great golden oldies

I don’t want to bore you too much with my non activity over these months, so I will leave it here for now.

Its great to back online

Ruby

1. SARAH on February 26th, 2009 12:49 am

   I am SOOOOO happy you’re back

   x

2. coffeecup on February 26th, 2009 10:06 am

   Fabulous that you’re back!!! You were truly missed. We do worry what happens when folks stop writing, but to find you returned in such good spirits Ruby, is wonderful.
   

3. Ruby on February 26th, 2009 10:39 am

   Thanks guys

   Its great to be welcomed back so nicely. I’m really glad to be back.

Finally Got Back Into A Shop

My daughter was at home last week, and we had planned to go shopping for christmas together. I couldn’t get into one shop and Chloe even had to do my food shopping for me, so we didnt get our christmas shopping done. Chloe did what she could and was very understanding about the whole thing.

But, I am happy to say that I made it into 3 shops on Friday that I could park right in front of, and today I made it into 2 more shops, one of them a toy wharehouse - as if getting into the shop wasn’t hard enough I had to put up with hundreds of parents with laden arms and their kids running amok. I started to panic when I was in line waiting to pay, but managed to breathe my way through it. The one thing I kept on thinking about was Marie coping to get straight back into a shop after a major panic attack. Thanks Marie, for your distant support

I can’t believe that it has taken 3 weeks for me to start getting back on track after the allergy attack. I have been reading a book “Who Turned Off My Brain?” written by psychologist, and she explains exactly what happens in our brain with negative (and positive) thoughts and how the Panic Attack starts off, and how all of this affects the rest of body, its a very intersting read. Anyway, she has a theory that allergies can start after long term stress, panic attacks etc and why the body and mind reacts to stimuli the way it does when its something you were not allergic to prior to the onset of mental health illness.

So here is hoping I can get the rest of the christmas presents I still need to buy

Feeling a Bit More Positive

At the end of my last post I said I had to get to work, I couldn’t make it out of the house till 3 hours later I was in such a state, I was seriously wanting to quit work and lock myself away again, but I pushed through the few horrible hours. Once I got to work I was great, but the drive in was horrid.

But I am glad to say that I am feeling much better now, I kept slapping myself across the face (figuratively speaking - not that bad - yet) everytime I had a negative thought and made myself counteract it with a positive one. Now a week later it seems to have worked because I am not having as many negative self destructive thoughts. Work has even been enjoyable with no dramas driving in or home.

I haven’t had the chance to get to shops yet though as I had a busy weekend with friends from out of town staying Saturday night, and Sunday morning my gorgeous dog had four puppies, so all day Sunday I sat admiring them and their mum.

My daughter is home for a few days and hoping to get enough sleep in the morning to go shopping with her in the afternoon, I am really looking forward to spending some time with her as she arrived on Monday night and I had to head of to work so haven’t had much of chance to catch up.

I am at work, so I better get back to it.

Ruby

1. coffeecup on December 6th, 2007 9:03 am

   Gosh Ruby there’s so much going on there’s no time for you to feel anxious. Wonderful to hear that your getting through work so well and many congrats for the puppies! How you going to part with them? So cute when they’re little. Hope this positivity continues going on a roll and I’m very interested to hear about the benefits you get from the programme. Great to hear all this confidence!

Allergies Have Played Havoc This Week

Well I have been getting a little bit better this week in that I have been into the corner store to grab a couple of things by myself, and even went into the post office to pick up a parcel I was waiting for, though I waited in the car till I could see there was no line there.
But I have been feeling really depressed this week, and the only thing I can put it down to is that I have gone backwards and I feel like I don’t have the energy to fight again

Even though I work at night, on my own, some of the day staff eat spicy lunches with msg in them. I had to leave work early on Tuesday and Wednesday night due the smell still being in the building. My supervisor has sent around another email to everyone to ask them to please be aware and to throw any left overs and the containers in the outside bin, which I really appreciate the support, but it is hard for people to understand unusual allergies and realise the seriousness of them, so I will see how we go with that one, I hope I am not forced to leave another job.

I was just sitting preparing myself to head off to work, and was feeling pretty confident and anxiety free about the drive in to work, when my son came home with a friend that I don’t know really well, and now I am feeling really anxious just because they were here for all of 2 minutes on their way out, I hate the way it just grips us like that.

Well I’d better head of or I will be late in, here is hoping that the smell is gone out of the building, as my work is really building up with leaving early the last two nights.

Allergies & Panic Attacks

I mentioned in my last post that I have been having more panic attacks again. I have a theory, but who knows, everytime I think I know this illness something else comes along.

I have allergies to hot spices, msg and strong aromas, I have had this for about 10 years now. I don’t even have to eat these things, just smelling them sends me off. I have had to leave two jobs in the past where people ate spicy foods. The symptoms are that my mind goes totally blank and I gather any sort of thought, I get ‘prickly feeling’ skin from head to toe and in some cases I have to find a toilet immediately. The symptoms last for 4-8 hours depending on the severity, but find that it takes at least 24hrs to feel better.

But when I am having panic attacks as well, this allergy sets of a panic attack as some of the symptoms are very similar, and my nerves stay fragile for up to a week and make me more prone to panic attacks during this time.

I had been going really well for over a month and was really proud of myself for having moved forward so much, then two Saturdays ago a neighbour was smoking dope in his backyard, and I got an allergy attack, the worse one I have had in over 5 years, it go so bad that I ended up going to the hospital cause I thought my tounge was swelling up, and of course this sparked a severe panic attack as well so I was suffering a double whammy.

Once the hospital found out that I suffered with panic attacks, they didn’t take the allergy seriously. Which was no surprise to me, as I find hospitals never take mental health as a serious issue. Anyway they gave me something to subside the symptoms and sent me on my way.

I believe that because I had such a bad allergy attack my nerves are frazzled and I haven’t been able to go into a shop, post office etc since without having a major panic attack. I am fine at home and at work so that makes me think that the allergy caused it.

But regardless of where the panic attacks are coming from I can’t logically explain them away that way to myself, so I am trying to push myself a bit more each week to get back on top of things, but it is such a backward step after having started enjoying shopping after 18 months.
But many times I drive up to the shops and as I start getting out of the car I realise that I can’t go any further and go back home.

So thats where I am up to at the moment, I am trying to think positive, but its so hard at times.

Ruby

1. Coffeecup on November 22nd, 2007 5:18 am

   Ruby the things that you have achieved so far are phenominal. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re having a little set back (me too!). It does seem as though with this alergy that your brain automatically goes into panic mode if the symptoms are similar. Tomorrow is another day as they say. I do know how it feels to go ‘backwards’ when you think you have conquered something, but please try and remember the bigger picture and the overall progress, and don’t be too upset if you’re just not feeling capable at present. I really think this journey to wellness is such a roller coaster ride, that there will be downs, as well as ups to get to the end of it. I just wanted to send my empathy really, you sound exactly as I feel too at the moment, trying hard but being disappointed. I do hope it passes soon X

2. Ruby on November 22nd, 2007 7:54 am

   Thanx for your nice supportive comments Coffeecup
   Yes I agree with you about the spices, that it triggers a panic attack because I am so used to any mental variations being a panic attack.
   Going backwards is never nice, I swap between being positive, seeing the bigger picture and wanting to crawl further into my self made cave. I am so glad that I enjoy my work or I would probably find a reason not go there either, even though I don’t work with people face to face (I couldn’t handle a busy office at the moment) I keep busy all night with their international customers via phone & email and I don’t have to get involved in the daytime office politics.

   As terrible as setbacks are, it does make us stronger to face the next pitfall. I think your setback when your partner left must’ve been hell, when trying to deal with all the daily events of panic attacks…. you are doing great!!!

   It certainly helps with all the support we get blogging and the chance to voice our emotions to people who understand, and want to listen.

   Ruby

3. Robert on November 22nd, 2007 8:08 pm

   I’m keeping my fingers crossed that you’re just experiencing a temporary blip. The fact that you’re still working is very encouraging, so I’m hopeful that other things will fall into place in due course.

   Many agoraphobia sufferers have described how their capabilities fluctuate from day to day (Marie is no exception). No one seems to have an explanation.

   I have allergies too. I get hay fever symptoms from time to time. Because I’m not allergic all he time, I don’t take anti-histamine tablets regularly. Do anti-histamines help you? There’s no obvious connections between attacks - with one exception - I’m more prone to them when sleep-deprived. Does this have any effect on you?

   Apart from my ongoing experiences with Marie, one of my daughters (Jenna) was being treated for acute depression as well as panic/anxiety and all the problems associated with irritable bowel syndrome. Waiting for appointments in the British national health service is a constant problem, but this aside, both Jenna and Marie have always been treated very well by all health care professionals. (The one exceptions was an unwarranted outburst about Marie by a former family doctor.)

   Btw, Jenna’s problems have been almost completely eradicated - although I’m aware that they could return at any time.

   Best wishes

4. Ruby on November 24th, 2007 8:00 am

   Hi Robert
   Yes I hope its just temporaty as well, it really stings when you have a hard setback, but my poor son keeps coming with me to the shops, sometimes I have to leave and get him to go through the checkout, and other times I’m fine. I cope much better if I can park right outside the shop as opposed to going into a shopping centre, I hate shopping centres.
   But even aside from this setback my abilites change from day to day as well, it makes it very hard to plan things, just have to take each day as it comes.

   As for the allergies it doesn’t seem that other things affect them if there are strong spices around I get affected regardless of how I am feeling.

   I’m glad you have had positive visits with the medical professionals, I find GP’s are good but its hospitals that have the problem from my experience.

   I am so glad that Jenna is feeling better, thats great news.

   The national medical health system here is terrible too, I had to wait over 6 months to get in, which just shows how badly mental health issues is affecting the public, its such a shame.

   Ruby

5. Miss Vertigo on November 29th, 2007 5:38 pm

   Hi,

   New reader saying hello here, with PAs, anxiety, agora, and I just had to comment on this one.

   What is it about having a mental health issue on your records that deems you a timewaster in an A&E department? Don’t you just want to scream at them - “Not everything in my life is caused by my anxiety!!” ?

   This has happened to me on so many occasions it’s not even funny any more - the most notable being the double pneumonia that they dismissed as a panic attack because I made the stupid error of telling them I was having difficulty breathing. It took 41 degrees of mercury and some yakking up of blood for them to take me seriously… after which they hospitalised me for four days. That was a good one

   It’s a big problem for us - I wish I had the answer.

   Take care

   MV

6. Ruby on November 29th, 2007 8:57 pm

   Hi MV
   I am glad you popped in and left a comment.

   You poor thing, I know how you feel, it gets to the point that we have to hide our anxiety to even get taken seriously, I am glad to hear that they finally treated you for the right thing.

   Unfortunately I can’t see an answer either, they just wipe us off anxiety ridden hyprochondiacs.

   They took me seriously till they found out that I suffered panic attacks, the fact that I had suffered allergies for 8 years just didn’t matter any more, and they told me go as they needed the bed. Then they wrote a letter to my doctor saying the visit was just due to anxiety, which them made him doubt me, I am still not sure if he really believes me.

   You have a great blog I will be reading more of it.

   Ruby

7. coffeecup on December 4th, 2007 9:47 am

   I am so angered by the appalling treatment that I have read about here! When my panics first started I was taken to A&E by ambulance and left in my smart work suit on the floor of the waiting room with people stepping over me until a friend rescued me and grabbed a nurse. Everyone deserves fair and caring attention regardless of the reason for being there, and ‘just a panic’ as you well know, can be horrifically frightening. Ironically I used to be one of those people who dragged themselves into work with the flu, and when I know I’m really ill I’m tough. Symptoms of anxiety are a different league altogther, and I think they bring in an element of continual fatigue and depression that makes them harder to fight?

8. Ruby on December 5th, 2007 4:11 am

   I agree, its terrible treatment, and so much harder to take when you can’t think rationally or fight back.
   We had a incident here at a metropolitan hospital where a lady had a miscarriage in the hospital toilets cause no one would take her seriously and get a doctor to see her. Its right across the board unfortunately.

9. coffeecup on December 8th, 2007 1:12 am

   Oh my word!

Second Week of Work

My job is going great. I was a bit hard changing my sleeping patterns again after working a week of days and then starting nights straight away. I think I have a routine going now, I stay up till around 10-12am then sleep till around 6-8, so I get a chance to get to the shops, pay bills or make phone calls and get to spend some time with Rory before heading off to work at night.

Things are starting to fall into place with my role at work and I’m starting to feel more confident, which is a good thing as I will be working on my own from Monday. Its a bit scary to know that I wont have anyone to ask if something different comes up (which it will) but I will just have to email them and get the answer the following night.

I haven’t had any issues with agoraphobia or anxiety since I started, which of course I am really pleased with It is much better working nights where I don’t have to deal with people face to face, and I am looking forward to starting on my own. The other great things is that I don’t have to deal with peak hour traffic any more which is always a plus.

1. Robert on October 8th, 2007 7:32 pm

   Ruby, I’m really pleased that things seem to be going well for you.

Sickness Benefit

I got a call today from Centrelink to say that if I wanted to receive any further unemployment/sickness benefit I would have to do another mental health assessment with them.

I am so glad that I have this job now so I don’t have to worry about telling them all the ins and outs of my life any more, and report to them every couple of months with updates from the doctor. I realise that they require all this but it is such an invasion of privacy.

Doctor & Psychologist

I have finally found a new doctor after one year of wanting to. It is such a relief to have made that move and to see a doctor who is actually proactive in assisting me in getting better. I have only had the need to see him a couple of times so far but I am very happy with his service.

I saw my psychologist for the last time two weeks ago, because of the mental health back log in Australia I was only to get ten visits but was lucky enough (or sick enough) to get fifteen. It was definitely a great help seeing her for this time, but feel I still have a long way to go before I am back to normal (whatever normal is…).

I am now having problems with social situations since I haven’t been in any for a year and a half now, so I am hoping that practice will heal that one, but I am not jumping in trying to get out there either. I am still happy just staying at home, not because of the agoraphobia but because I have no tolerance for people now. I have rejoined the GROW group on Mondays which was great to get back to again, and I am looking into other social groups that I can go to, but I haven’t found one that interests me yet. Now that I have my own transport I want to attempt to catch up with family again, that all live out of the city. I have lost touch with so many people since all this started this time around, I am in two minds if their friendships were even worth anything in the first place since they haven’t made effort to contact me. I understand that some have their own issues with mental health, and others believe that I need to time to myself to get better, but I believe personally that it is fear that keeps people away as they don’t really understand what agoraphobia means.

My sleeping pattern is getting a bit better, I am generally sleeping between 5-6 hours a night, but because I need a good 8-9 hours to feel human, I am still having a nanna nap in the afternoons, but at least there is some sort of routine now rather than really erratic like it was before.

Well there is a break in the rain, so I am taking my dog for a nice walk.

Ruby

1. Aff on September 18th, 2007 3:31 am

   Just a quick note to say thanks for the link. I’ve linked you back and bookmarked the site.

   I’ll definitely be back

2. Ruby on September 19th, 2007 1:00 pm

   Hi Aff
   Thanks for coming by, see you soon

   Ruby

3. Robert on September 19th, 2007 7:33 pm

   Marie makes friends easily, but once they find out that there are many activities that she can’t share with them, most let the friendship lapse.

   However, a few have stuck by her. Quality is better than quantity!

   I’m sure that your approach to socialising is the correct one, and it will pay off in due course. Visiting family, even if they haven’t been keeping in touch as much as they could have, will help you hone your smalltalk and chitchat skills!

4. Ruby on September 21st, 2007 1:40 am

   Hi Robert,
   I don’t have problems making friends, but I hate making smalltalk and chitchat it bores me to tears. I am sure I should have been a man as I believe that if you haven’t got anything real to say then say nothing…lol, which is probably why most women don’t hang around, cause I am just not a woman
   I would rather sit round a table with blokes than women any time. But I agree with what your saying that you have to practice social skills to keep them up to scratch and there is an art to it for sure.

Finally Back

There have been a few things happening since I was on last. Chloe left last week for her work, and not sure when I will be seeing her next, thank goodness for phones as I speak to her every couple of days. Rory took holidays to spend his 18th birthday with his old school friends and his dad and he has been gone for a week and will be back in another 3 days. It has been lovely to have the place to myself and have peace and quiet.

Chloe gave me her old car and she bought a brand new one, and it feels great to have my own transport now, so I am going to get stuck into finding some part time work without having to worry about transport.

I have been trying to get into a routine of taking my dog for a walk every couple of days, and have been doing pretty well so far, but the rain has come back and is staying for a few days so there wont be any walks till the sun comes back out. Apart from this I haven’t done many outings besides the shops etc.

Well finally got the keyboard for my laptop, sort of anyway. I bought it of eBay and when I got it I realised that this model keyboard can be secured by 3 or 4 screws, and mine is by 3 and the one that I bought was by 4. After contacting the seller numerous times to inquire about replacing or returning the item without any reply, out of frustration I finally ripped the screws off and now the keyboard is just sitting in the laptop unsecured. eBay is great for some things but I think I have to be more careful in future.

Reality Apart From Agoraphobia

While I have been sick, I have had a lot of time to ponder on this question. I haven’t been able to put any of my skills into practice besides the shops for weekly groceries during this time, but I have come to some conclusions about my illness.

Knowing that I have had agoraphobia to some degree for most of my life, it is very hard to see what is agoraphobia and what is a personality that has formed over the years. And like all personalities they are formed from trials and tribulations including having agoraphobia for over 20 years without being aware of it.

I have never really been a social or extrovert person, I have always preferred just a few friends and going out only with one other person, if I want to have a good time, otherwise I feel too self conscious and I don’t enjoy the outing at all and I have never enjoyed going anywhere by myself besides work and shopping etc., and have always been a bit of a homebody and really enjoy my own company.

So now I feel pressured that I have to start doing things that I would never have gone out of my way to do before, because I am supposed to be on the better side of overcoming agoraphobia.
But I have decided that I am happy being me, albeit socially stunted, and I don’t want a new personality that isn’t me. I am happy to just know that I am able to do things if I choose to and not having to go out and practice them every week.

Now I am sure that some will say that if I don’t put my skills into practice regularly then I am just using my avoidance behaviour, but I don’t believe this is true, its just a personal choice, because I have no interest in being a social butterfly or going on regular outings.

So that is the conclusion I have come to, I know I still have a way to go before I am free of agoraphobia, but I am definitely on the right path, and my next step is to find a club or group where I can start meeting people of the opposite sex as I have been on my own for nearly ten years now and would like some companionship and the occasional dinner.

Ruby

1. Robert on September 7th, 2007 11:32 am

   Hi there Ruby!

   Glad to hear that you’re doing well. Long may it continue!

   Robert

2. Ruby on September 14th, 2007 10:37 pm

   Yes well, sort of anyway, I don’t feel that the agoraphobia is restricting me as much as it used to do, but I feel I still have a long way to go. Depression, being out of the social circle and trying to work out what sort of employment I should try to get into now where I wont feel overwhelmed. But it will all sort it self out in time.

A Long Time Between Psych Visits

I saw my psych again today, first time in five weeks. I have had a crappy few weeks with sleeping patterns and feeling a bit depressed, but still doing better than I have in the past year. This visit we talked about changing one of my thought patterns - I don’t have any problems doing things for other people, but don’t make the effort for myself. Maybe its being a mother and wife and being so used of always putting others first, that we forget about ourselves.

If one of my family members or a place of work asks me to do something, I will jump in and do it straight away without a second thought. But when it is things like walking to the shops or catching a bus to recover from agoraphobia I can’t get motivated enough to do anything. I don’t know why I have this attitude that I am not important enough to warrant effort and I suppose it doesn’t really matter where it originated from. So for this month my task is to changed my thought process that I am worthy of change in the long term and that everything I do is to make me a better and mentally healthier person.

This will be a hard one as I have obviously always thought this way and it will take a real conscious daily effort - will let you know how I get on.

We also talked about things we have and don’t have control of and which ones are blurred. Since its been raining for nearly 3 weeks now we talked about how I don’t have control of the rain, but how I can control how I think of it and the options I can use to work around it. Another example was how we don’t have control of how other people behave or act, but we have control over how we interact with them to make it a better experience.

She believes that I am doing really well and have all the skills I need to recover and that it is now up to me to put these skills into practice and reinforce them on a daily or weekly basis. This is a bit scary as I find it easier to do things when I know I have to report back to her (pleasing others again..) than to just do them for myself. I only have two visits left with her so I will see her monthly for these last ones.

Strange how others can see strengths in us that we aren’t that confident in, I suppose that I don’t feel that confident this week as I have had a bit of depressing run, but I will get there…eventually :). One great thing is that my anxiety level has definitely lowered since starting this therapy and that I am very grateful for.

Ruby

1. Elizabeth Deur on February 20th, 2009 10:46 am

   Hello,

   I am diagnosed with panic disorder and agoraphobia but I actually havent left my home in 2 years with exception to go the dr and that can only be with my safety person and on xanax (a block away) lately I am more anxious than ever in my life and even just sitting at home. I have suffered with this for over 10 years and it will come and go and I have been on various methods of treatment none to be extremely beneficial or not have lasting side effects.The only thing I take now is an occassional xanax which doesnt help too much.I believe my symptoms are worse due to being premenapausal. can anyone give me advice or help walk me throught this I am panicking as Iwrite.

2. Ruby on February 26th, 2009 9:00 am

   Welcome Elizabeth

   I know exactly how you feel, my current backslide was due to menopause starting, personally I find doing progressive relaxation tapes and meditation really beneficial in lessening my anxiety. I was housebound for 6 months, and then 4 months this time round - 2 years is such a long time.

   I don’t have a support person unfortunately, so I have to really push myself to go to places I really need to like doctors and chemist, the more I do it the easier it gets but I am still very limited in the places I can get to.

   Chatting about it all on here really helps me to, as I feel I am making myself accountable in my attempts to get to places. I hope you stay around and chat with us, check my blog roll as well as there are many of us out there, what works for one doesn’t always for another.

   I’m glad you left this comment, and I hope to chat again soon

Psychologist Visit - Fears & Beliefs

I am a bit behind on writing about the visit, firstly because of working and I haven’t got into a proper routine yet. Secondly because I needed some time to think it through first and decide how to tackle it, I have only come up with a starting solution for #1, and nothing for the rest, as I am so stuck in this thinking and will take a while to challenge to them…not a week task.
I was given a list of things that I had to think about, and how I would put them into action.

1. Consolidating achievements from work to home life
2. Are my fear thoughts realistic and how can I change them (and believe them)
3. How would I put point 2 into practice
4. The impact it would have to have alternative thoughts

This is what I have/n’t come up with so far:

1. Consolidating achievements from work to home life:
I have always separated my two lives, I have a work “hat” and a home “hat” (and never the twain shall meet). I think most people do this but I do it to a fault. At work I never second guess what I need/have to do, I don’t think about what people may think about me as I feel very confident in my work role. At home I second guess everything, think about the panic/anxiety consequences of every task, am always concerned that people will think that I am loop de loop (crazy). I haven’t attempted any changes in thought through the week as I don’t feel I have the time with work. But yesterday I tried to carry the same confidence at home as I did at work through the week, and amazingly I got a lot more chores and tasks done so that proves to some point I suppose that it works. The next step is to try it when I have go on the other side of the front door… Today I want to walk up to the corner IGA (small supermarket), but this depends on the weather as it rained all day yesterday. If the rain holds off I will attempt to do it with my “work confidence” and see if I can consolidate the two life’s to some degree.
2. Are my fear thoughts realistic and how can I challenge them (and believe them):
My main fear thought (besides those that come with a panic attack) is: what will people think? This thought came from my mother who was always saying: what will people think? When we were outdoors, in public and social settings. Firstly - do people even give a think about me? I have some proof that they do, but mostly people are too busy with their own lives to worry or care about mine. I am a people watcher and like to see how people tick and go through their lives, not for gossip purposes, I just find it interesting, so I assume others do the same, but for bad intent. Secondly - does it matter if they do? Yes, it does to me. I don’t want them to have misconstrued ideas about me that I cannot challenge. This is going to be a hard one for me!! Thirdly - does it matter if they pass on their thoughts through the gossip channels? Definitely, that will be even harder to challenge as people take gossip for fact
3. How would I put point 2 into practice
By challenging and changing the thought, which as yet I have no answer to, this thought has been ingrained in me since the beginning of time, it will be a hard one. Firstly I think I need to write down each fear on paper and then try to negate them till I come up with a thought to replace it with.
4. The impact it would have to have alternative thoughts
This one is easy, it would mean that I could do whatever I wanted to without this thought stopping me short….freedom.

I will keep adding comments to this post as I come up with more solutions and changes.
Ruby
Jethro on March 16th, 2008 11:13 pm
Hey Ruby,
I know it’s a bit late but I’ve currently stumbled upon your blog and real glad I did. It’s hard finding people going through the same phases in life as myself who’re willing to talk about it.
What impresses me is the fact that everything in this post pinpoints exactly what I do too/think about. I watch other people pan out their own lives because I find it interesting. One of my past doctors told me it was an attribute associated with chronic boredom which didn’t help me at all.
I’m glad that there are people out there who I can relate too even in times like this. I’ve only started reading your progress now but it is inspiring. By the time I get to the present date I hope everything has worked out for you.

Finding a Life Purpose

Reading a newsletter from Agoraphobia Resource Centre at http://www.agoraphobia.ws/newslettermay292007.htm named “Finding a Purpose Greater than Fear” was a great read. It discusses how man can conquer just about anything if he/she has a purpose in
life. This has made me think a lot of how most of my days purpose is focused on my anxiety and agoraphobia instead of finding or working towards a purpose for life. I grew up having to just survive my teenage years, so I never had a purpose or goal for the future, then I had children and my life was focussed on them and I got put on the back burner.
Now that the children have grown I find that I do not have a purpose for myself. This is something I am going to really look at hard and see what options I can come up with.

The Letterbox

While I was still floating about the achievement at the restaurant, I decided to tackle the task the psych had set for me, which was to walk out to the letterbox.
I always checked it driving in the units driveway to avoid having to walk out there, I was so concerned about what the neighbours would think if I had a panic attack while walking, that I have avoided for a year now, so after all morning psyching myself up and using the CBT and breathing skills off I went (I did wait till everyone was indoors) and I completed my first task, I focused on my breathing the whole time so I wouldn’t start the panic cycle (and then there was no mail in there anyway, which made the effort seem useless). When I got back inside I gave a huge relief breath and had a mild panic attack. But I made it and faced my agoraphobia head on, which is the main thing.
Because winter is setting in, I am crocheting my little lapdog a jumper (she hates the cold) so I can take her for walks up to the corner. I haven’t walked anywhere for so many years, I can’t even remember the last time. So I will master the letterbox before I start on this one.
I used to get newsletters from Stephen Price who is a recovered agoraphobic himself and is currently studying his doctorate in psychology. He is going to write a book on the subject, and he is using a blog to get others input as well, have a look at his blog and website, I have links to both on here, Blog: Panic Disorder Book Project and Website: Agoraphobia Resource Centre
Ruby

1. Robert on May 20th, 2007 9:19 am
   
   
   Hi Ruby -
   Congratulations on your trip to the restaurant. And to the letterbox. You seem to be getting more confident. I hope it continues!
   Robert
   
   
   
   
2. Ruby on May 20th, 2007 12:59 pm
   
   
   Thanks Robert
   Yes, so do I. It definitely gave me confidence to know I am capable, but it all depends on how I feel on the day but I can’t praise the breathing and CBT enough it has made a huge difference.
   Ruby
   
   
   
   

Changing Medication

Wow, how time flies when changing medication and going through some withdrawals, can’t believe it’s Friday already.
Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty much wasted days dealing with some withdrawals with funny brain feelings and a bit wobbly on my feet. I have tried explaining the ‘brain feeling’ to family, but it just makes them really confused. I am sure there is a technical term for it, but what it feels like for me is that someone is rubbing a dry sponge over my brain…..not a comforting feeling I can tell you. But I am looking forward to this medication working and lifting the black cloud and anxiety that has been there for way too long now.
Rory hasn’t noticed anything different as he is in his own teenage world of friends, parties and MySpace, which has saved me explaining the ’sponge’ he has had friends around Wed, Thur and this afternoon, but is staying out for the night tonight so that has been nice not too listen to their music though I do enjoy joining in some of their conversations from time to time when I am not feeling too anxious to go and join them. Rory has told them about my agoraphobia in his own understanding so at least they don’t just think I’m rude…lol.
I have started to read through the GROW handbook and there are a lot of confronting things in there, which I take to mean that they are things that need to be worked on. It looks like a good program and I’m looking forward to my second class on Monday.
Chloe is back in town for work for a month so she has taken back her car that I have been using for my major outings of driving 1km twice a week to check my PO Box and to attend my appointments on a Monday. I will still be able to use the car on Mondays which is a blessing as I can’t venture out anywhere without a car. This is the time that I should be seeing as a blessing in disguise and start trying to walk up to the shops, but that is a really scary thought and don’t know if that will be achievable yet, I really want to try, but after a year of not leaving the house…….. I can’t even walk out the front of my townhouse block to get my mail or bring the bins in without freezing at the door. I get Rory to bring in the bins and I check the mail when I am driving out. Maybe my need for regular chocolate fixes will force me up to the shops.
I made a dog kennel today from scratch, that was fun, and didn’t turn out anywhere near what I had planned, but now my Shitzu X will have somewhere dry to sit when she wants to look around at the world in bad weather.