Feeling a Bit More Positive

At the end of my last post I said I had to get to work, I couldn’t make it out of the house till 3 hours later I was in such a state, I was seriously wanting to quit work and lock myself away again, but I pushed through the few horrible hours. Once I got to work I was great, but the drive in was horrid.

But I am glad to say that I am feeling much better now, I kept slapping myself across the face (figuratively speaking - not that bad - yet) everytime I had a negative thought and made myself counteract it with a positive one. Now a week later it seems to have worked because I am not having as many negative self destructive thoughts. Work has even been enjoyable with no dramas driving in or home.

I haven’t had the chance to get to shops yet though as I had a busy weekend with friends from out of town staying Saturday night, and Sunday morning my gorgeous dog had four puppies, so all day Sunday I sat admiring them and their mum.

My daughter is home for a few days and hoping to get enough sleep in the morning to go shopping with her in the afternoon, I am really looking forward to spending some time with her as she arrived on Monday night and I had to head of to work so haven’t had much of chance to catch up.

I am at work, so I better get back to it.

Ruby

1. coffeecup on December 6th, 2007 9:03 am

   Gosh Ruby there’s so much going on there’s no time for you to feel anxious. Wonderful to hear that your getting through work so well and many congrats for the puppies! How you going to part with them? So cute when they’re little. Hope this positivity continues going on a roll and I’m very interested to hear about the benefits you get from the programme. Great to hear all this confidence!

Allergies Have Played Havoc This Week

Well I have been getting a little bit better this week in that I have been into the corner store to grab a couple of things by myself, and even went into the post office to pick up a parcel I was waiting for, though I waited in the car till I could see there was no line there.
But I have been feeling really depressed this week, and the only thing I can put it down to is that I have gone backwards and I feel like I don’t have the energy to fight again

Even though I work at night, on my own, some of the day staff eat spicy lunches with msg in them. I had to leave work early on Tuesday and Wednesday night due the smell still being in the building. My supervisor has sent around another email to everyone to ask them to please be aware and to throw any left overs and the containers in the outside bin, which I really appreciate the support, but it is hard for people to understand unusual allergies and realise the seriousness of them, so I will see how we go with that one, I hope I am not forced to leave another job.

I was just sitting preparing myself to head off to work, and was feeling pretty confident and anxiety free about the drive in to work, when my son came home with a friend that I don’t know really well, and now I am feeling really anxious just because they were here for all of 2 minutes on their way out, I hate the way it just grips us like that.

Well I’d better head of or I will be late in, here is hoping that the smell is gone out of the building, as my work is really building up with leaving early the last two nights.

Doctor & Psychologist

I have finally found a new doctor after one year of wanting to. It is such a relief to have made that move and to see a doctor who is actually proactive in assisting me in getting better. I have only had the need to see him a couple of times so far but I am very happy with his service.

I saw my psychologist for the last time two weeks ago, because of the mental health back log in Australia I was only to get ten visits but was lucky enough (or sick enough) to get fifteen. It was definitely a great help seeing her for this time, but feel I still have a long way to go before I am back to normal (whatever normal is…).

I am now having problems with social situations since I haven’t been in any for a year and a half now, so I am hoping that practice will heal that one, but I am not jumping in trying to get out there either. I am still happy just staying at home, not because of the agoraphobia but because I have no tolerance for people now. I have rejoined the GROW group on Mondays which was great to get back to again, and I am looking into other social groups that I can go to, but I haven’t found one that interests me yet. Now that I have my own transport I want to attempt to catch up with family again, that all live out of the city. I have lost touch with so many people since all this started this time around, I am in two minds if their friendships were even worth anything in the first place since they haven’t made effort to contact me. I understand that some have their own issues with mental health, and others believe that I need to time to myself to get better, but I believe personally that it is fear that keeps people away as they don’t really understand what agoraphobia means.

My sleeping pattern is getting a bit better, I am generally sleeping between 5-6 hours a night, but because I need a good 8-9 hours to feel human, I am still having a nanna nap in the afternoons, but at least there is some sort of routine now rather than really erratic like it was before.

Well there is a break in the rain, so I am taking my dog for a nice walk.

Ruby

1. Aff on September 18th, 2007 3:31 am

   Just a quick note to say thanks for the link. I’ve linked you back and bookmarked the site.

   I’ll definitely be back

2. Ruby on September 19th, 2007 1:00 pm

   Hi Aff
   Thanks for coming by, see you soon

   Ruby

3. Robert on September 19th, 2007 7:33 pm

   Marie makes friends easily, but once they find out that there are many activities that she can’t share with them, most let the friendship lapse.

   However, a few have stuck by her. Quality is better than quantity!

   I’m sure that your approach to socialising is the correct one, and it will pay off in due course. Visiting family, even if they haven’t been keeping in touch as much as they could have, will help you hone your smalltalk and chitchat skills!

4. Ruby on September 21st, 2007 1:40 am

   Hi Robert,
   I don’t have problems making friends, but I hate making smalltalk and chitchat it bores me to tears. I am sure I should have been a man as I believe that if you haven’t got anything real to say then say nothing…lol, which is probably why most women don’t hang around, cause I am just not a woman
   I would rather sit round a table with blokes than women any time. But I agree with what your saying that you have to practice social skills to keep them up to scratch and there is an art to it for sure.

Finally Back

There have been a few things happening since I was on last. Chloe left last week for her work, and not sure when I will be seeing her next, thank goodness for phones as I speak to her every couple of days. Rory took holidays to spend his 18th birthday with his old school friends and his dad and he has been gone for a week and will be back in another 3 days. It has been lovely to have the place to myself and have peace and quiet.

Chloe gave me her old car and she bought a brand new one, and it feels great to have my own transport now, so I am going to get stuck into finding some part time work without having to worry about transport.

I have been trying to get into a routine of taking my dog for a walk every couple of days, and have been doing pretty well so far, but the rain has come back and is staying for a few days so there wont be any walks till the sun comes back out. Apart from this I haven’t done many outings besides the shops etc.

Well finally got the keyboard for my laptop, sort of anyway. I bought it of eBay and when I got it I realised that this model keyboard can be secured by 3 or 4 screws, and mine is by 3 and the one that I bought was by 4. After contacting the seller numerous times to inquire about replacing or returning the item without any reply, out of frustration I finally ripped the screws off and now the keyboard is just sitting in the laptop unsecured. eBay is great for some things but I think I have to be more careful in future.

Feeling Depressed Still

I can’t believe how depressed I have been feeling lately, its weird because there doesn’t seem to be a reason for it though I know there has to be, just cant put my finger on it. I have been teary all day today, and that is definitely not like me, the poor kids have copped it all day, but I figure I owe them a bit of misery

The weather is going to start fining up soon (they say) so I’ll be able to get outside a bit, it’s terrible when it rains non stop for weeks on end. I think that the rain has a lot to do with how I’m feeling and the ongoing insomnia probably hasn’t helped either.

So the plan is to wake up tomorrow in a brighter mood and take the dog for a walk.

Ruby

1. Robert on August 23rd, 2007 12:30 pm

   Dear Ruby,

   The weather affects how we ALL feel, so don’t worry about your current mood!

   Robert

2. Ruby on August 24th, 2007 1:38 pm

   Thanks, still feel like shite but that’s due to the flu now, hopefully when I’m better I will get back on track again.

A Long Time Between Psych Visits

I saw my psych again today, first time in five weeks. I have had a crappy few weeks with sleeping patterns and feeling a bit depressed, but still doing better than I have in the past year. This visit we talked about changing one of my thought patterns - I don’t have any problems doing things for other people, but don’t make the effort for myself. Maybe its being a mother and wife and being so used of always putting others first, that we forget about ourselves.

If one of my family members or a place of work asks me to do something, I will jump in and do it straight away without a second thought. But when it is things like walking to the shops or catching a bus to recover from agoraphobia I can’t get motivated enough to do anything. I don’t know why I have this attitude that I am not important enough to warrant effort and I suppose it doesn’t really matter where it originated from. So for this month my task is to changed my thought process that I am worthy of change in the long term and that everything I do is to make me a better and mentally healthier person.

This will be a hard one as I have obviously always thought this way and it will take a real conscious daily effort - will let you know how I get on.

We also talked about things we have and don’t have control of and which ones are blurred. Since its been raining for nearly 3 weeks now we talked about how I don’t have control of the rain, but how I can control how I think of it and the options I can use to work around it. Another example was how we don’t have control of how other people behave or act, but we have control over how we interact with them to make it a better experience.

She believes that I am doing really well and have all the skills I need to recover and that it is now up to me to put these skills into practice and reinforce them on a daily or weekly basis. This is a bit scary as I find it easier to do things when I know I have to report back to her (pleasing others again..) than to just do them for myself. I only have two visits left with her so I will see her monthly for these last ones.

Strange how others can see strengths in us that we aren’t that confident in, I suppose that I don’t feel that confident this week as I have had a bit of depressing run, but I will get there…eventually :). One great thing is that my anxiety level has definitely lowered since starting this therapy and that I am very grateful for.

Ruby

1. Elizabeth Deur on February 20th, 2009 10:46 am

   Hello,

   I am diagnosed with panic disorder and agoraphobia but I actually havent left my home in 2 years with exception to go the dr and that can only be with my safety person and on xanax (a block away) lately I am more anxious than ever in my life and even just sitting at home. I have suffered with this for over 10 years and it will come and go and I have been on various methods of treatment none to be extremely beneficial or not have lasting side effects.The only thing I take now is an occassional xanax which doesnt help too much.I believe my symptoms are worse due to being premenapausal. can anyone give me advice or help walk me throught this I am panicking as Iwrite.

2. Ruby on February 26th, 2009 9:00 am

   Welcome Elizabeth

   I know exactly how you feel, my current backslide was due to menopause starting, personally I find doing progressive relaxation tapes and meditation really beneficial in lessening my anxiety. I was housebound for 6 months, and then 4 months this time round - 2 years is such a long time.

   I don’t have a support person unfortunately, so I have to really push myself to go to places I really need to like doctors and chemist, the more I do it the easier it gets but I am still very limited in the places I can get to.

   Chatting about it all on here really helps me to, as I feel I am making myself accountable in my attempts to get to places. I hope you stay around and chat with us, check my blog roll as well as there are many of us out there, what works for one doesn’t always for another.

   I’m glad you left this comment, and I hope to chat again soon

No Advances Yet

Well I haven’t ventured out for my walks to the corner as yet, just the thought doing it freezes me on the spot and starts off a panic attack. I walked out to the letterbox today, and I had a look up towards the corner and it was so overwhelming I couldn’t believe it, I just can’t do it.
I can’t even seem to pinpoint what it is that is stopping me, I know that it is my anxiety obviously, but aside from that the only other thing is that it is so far out of my comfort zone that it scares me, as if I was stepping into another world that I don’t know or understand.
Its really weird when I know that ‘rationally’ there should be no fear to do what millions of people do everyday all around the world, some with war around them, and I can’t even walk 500m because of an inner irrational (although real) fear.
I sometimes get angry at myself, but then I have to stop and look at how far I have come since not even being able to leave my bedroom because of the agoraphobia. I also think that if this had been treated properly years ago I wouldn’t have spent the last 19 years using avoidance as a coping mechanism and thinking that I was ‘coping’ - not leading up to where I am today. But I can’t blame the past I suppose, I have to work forward one day at a time.