Another Year Has Flown By

Wow, I cannot believe it has been over a year since I posted here, it has been a very busy year !!

About the time of my last post I was considering moving to be closer to my mum, who has early onset dementia. That was a major consideration due living in government housing, and could I afford to rent privately if I got ill again???? At the end of October I decided to bite the bullet as I couldn't help out being 4 hours drive away. I had lived in this town 11 years ago, so knew some people as well as having contacts for work. At the end of November I made the move, with all the rush of packing and organising everything I had no time for being worried about the outcome, the decision had been made now so all I could do was make the best of it.

I started work in my field of Aged Care 3 days after arriving, yea I know, wow!!!! what a roller coaster ride it all was, but was the only way I could manage financially. Had the kitchen all unpacked on the first day (thanks to my sis) the rest took about six weeks. I was really enjoying work though I was very tired, got to spend lots of time with mum and dad which was great.

By the third month I had hurt my back, and to my surprise found out I had Osteo Arthritis..yay! that was all I needed, little did I know there would be a few more things I wouldn't need coming along. Luckily I have the attitude of accepting what comes along and deal with the best way possible. It was around this time the owners of the house were thinking about putting the house on the market (after giving me a six month lease and the promise of another 2 years after that). The stress was starting to build I can tell you!!!! I started browsing the rental lists again knowing I had three months to find something, I finally found something suitable and had to move myself (with lots of help from a great friend) While I was browsing the rental list I started working in the disability field which was what I first trained in, and loved being back - didn't realise how much I had missed it.
My daughter decided to move overseas for a year, I am really pleased for her, but I do miss her and can't wait till she returns.


Had a few small dramas with my back but it was manageable, within three months I was asked to step up to a office relief position which I was thrilled about, but really scared, I was qualified to do this role but had never done it previously. What a learning curve!!!!! All while still trying to fit in assisting mum and dad.

I must say here, that as much as there were stresses and a lack of time and learning a new role, I hadn't been that happy in a long long time - and to top it all off NOT ONE PANIC ATTACK - no one was more surprised than me.

A couple of months ago I found out I have high blood pressure, I was a bit shocked, but not surprised with all the stress of the year and the many years prior with agoraphobia, so yet another learning curve in change of lifestyle. Oh forgot to mention that I also faced turning half a century! the age part doesn't really bother me, but obviously my body thinks differently to my mind lol

Then came the last and biggest surprise came about a month ago, dad had an operation for cancer so I spent a lot of my spare time with mum during this time as well. Unfortunately the cancer spread, so chemo is next on the list with a good chance of getting it all....fingers crossed.

Last weekend I ended up going to emergency not knowing what was wrong with me....yep...a panic attack, no real surprises there, but I was surprised at how I didn't remember how bad they were after having them daily for nearly four years...bloody amazing I think. I am still on my medication, and my doc believes I will probably always need to stay on them, I am not sure how that will go, but I am happy to stay on them for now. I was fine the next day and with dad having been home from hospital for a week, I could allow myself to have some nice periods of rest.

 Last week I started my fourth holiday relief in the office and am slowly getting the hang of it, and loving it.

Can't forget to mention that menopause has dwindled down to almost nothing and that makes me very happy.

I must say a BIG thank you to those who have stayed by my side through these years, I know it must have been difficult and very repetitive. I love you dearly.

I can't say I am on top of the world, but it is still a nice view on the trek up :)

Medication Change

I saw the doctor a couple of weeks ago and he decided that we should up my medication from 10mg to 20mg. I have been doing really well lately, no panic attacks at all, but still haven't been able to go to social events or shopping centres. So he thinks that by upping the dose it will move me forward, lets hope so...

So on Saturday I was at work, happily doing my bit, then all of a sudden my whole upper body was tingling full on, even my tongue! Of course this made me panic and I was a total mess, I tried all my strategies for overcoming the panic, but nothing worked. Which of course made the panic even worse as I figured there must be something really really wrong. I ended up leaving work, phoned my sister to talk to me and try help calm me down, came home to bed and stayed there till Sunday lunchtime, the whole time this tingling was there.

By late Sunday it had eased a lot but was still over my face and mouth and tongue. I had done some research on Saturday on the side affects of raising the dosage and found that this could be a side affect which calmed me somewhat to know that it was normal.

Monday I went to the docs just to check that everything was ok, he said that it was only a 'mild' side affect.... didn't feel to mild to me at the time hehe. I went back to work on Tuesday and everything went well but found by late last night it was getting worse, due to being tired I imagine. This morning it was almost all gone and by lunchtime I could not feel a thing, but now a bit has come back around my mouth.... must be getting tired... I'll be glad when the first two weeks are up and I can hopefully start to see if it is going to make a noticeable difference.

Gallbladder finally gone :)

Finally had my gallbladder removed on June 24th through keyhole surgery, everything went well and was home the following day.

Had some pain, but not enough to worry about painkillers, just lots of rest. Couldn't walk very well for the first week, and had to have 4 weeks of work.

I can't explain how great it is to know that I will never have another gallbladder attack, they are the worst things imaginable, hours and hours of excruciating pain. Still have to be aware of what I eat but for digestive reasons now.

Steadily Moving Forward

Life has been going pretty well over the last few months. I am still following the Panic Away program and have been able to stop talking to my amygdala!

Most of the self talk is automatic now and I do smile at myself when I catch myself, that I have been able to turn the self talk around from negative to positive in such a short space of time after suffering for so many years.

I have been able to go office buildings and catch elevators, I do get a bit of the prickly feeling but am able to stop it going any further and calm myself down fairly quickly. I did go into a supermarket in a small centre at closing time – no people around and went down a couple of aisles with my daughter – that was a huge step as shopping centres have been my biggest hurdle. I haven’t worked my way up to a large shopping centre or restaurants yet, but I think that is my own fear rather than believing I would not be able to cope.

I did go to a family birthday party in a hall where I had set up an escape plan so as not to look totally mad hehe, and didn’t end having to use it. I had such a great time and my family is still talking about me mingling and laughing.

Just secretly, I have come to the conclusion that I am a tad worried about getting 100% better as there will be more expected of me, I have become so accustomed to my quiet lifestyle; another challenge to overcome :)

Panic Away & The Linden Method

I still haven't had a full blown panic attack since reading Panic Away (except while waking up in pain, but I don't count that as it wasn't for the normal reasons.) I kept repeating to myself that every symptom I felt was just a feeling, I was the one putting the thought to it and making myself panic, and it has worked up to now.

I always felt all this was out of my control and there was nothing I could do, I could do CBT and other things, but it only ever got me so far. This was something I had control over, what the symptoms were, and that it was me translating them into something they were not.

I also downloaded the Linden method and the one great thing I took from there was how the amygdala - part of the limbic system - processes memory and emotional reactions and sets the anxiety level on past experiences. So I have been going around during my daily tasks talking to my amygdala!!!!

I thought I was crazy before, now I really think I am :-) but it seems to be working, these two methods are moving me along slowly but surely at the moment.


I have gone into more shops (still not shopping centres) and can stay in there longer, I have even managed to do a full shop (not done for two years now) on 3 occasions without even one panic feeling. What is weird though is that my thoughts still try to do the same things saying:- get out quick, you need to get to a safe place, but because I am not paying attention to the symptoms it doesn't go anywhere, and I go back to focusing on the shopping. I am utterly amazed and very happy of course.

I haven't tried anything different yet, like places I haven't been in years like going to a restuarant/cafe, the movies, or even somewhere where I can't bring the car and have to walk. I have proof that it is working, but I still don't trust myself - how totally conditioned we make ourselves. But I am in no hurry, I would rather take it slowly and build up the confidence, than dive in too deep and find I can't swim. It has taken years to get this bad, I don't expect any miracle cures that will fix it all in one swoop.

I haven't told any of my family about all this yet, I am forever building methods up to them only for them to fail a few weeks down the track. So I am going to keep slowly pushing myself until I am ready to surprise them with something. Not sure what yet, but I imagine it would be something like showing up for a weekend lunch at at a cafe.

Gallstones Update

It is nearly a month since I last posted, I promised myself I was going to be more regular after moving to blogspot! I came on to write a post and ended up spending a couple of hours reading everyone else's new posts, now I'm all blogged out :)

I had a lovely time over Christmas with all the family, though healthwise it was a disaster. After not being able to eat after the gallbladder attack before Christmas I took myself to the doc's, had to see my docs offsider, and he wrongly diagnosed me with a bowel obstruction and not to eat anything till it cleared. So having trust in the medico I survived only on water for 2 weeks!! and everything the chemist could suggest to help things along, I was still not hungry so that was not an issue and I felt great, but the worry of what it was doing to my body was raising my anxiety levels.

Had to wait till January 4 to see my doc as everything was closed down for the holidays, by this time hypochondria had starting setting in and I was dying with all sorts of illnesses. He was very angry to say the least, it was my gall stones that had caused the attack like I originally thought, so back on food again, but even now I am still eating very limited, don't really feel hungry but make myself have 4-5 snacks through the day. Had to have another ultra sound, my one gallstone has now multiplied into 2 large ones and one small one, will have more tests in February then it will be surgery to have it removed.

I never wanted to have it removed, as I believe it is needed for the body to function well, but after the last attack I can't wait to have it taken out, never want to go through that pain again, give me childbirth any day!

Panic Away

I downloaded Panic Away Program last week, and have been reading every chance I got. Finally finished it today.

After so many years of reading so many books, I had heard it most one time or another, but there were a few things that I really took on board, firstly that menopause can be a cause of anxiety/agoraphobia. I have waded through anxiety for way too many years now, but I had been 'mostly fine' for 5 years prior to menopause starting, and that's when the agoraphobia started setting in. I have always believed that the menopause with its myriad of hormonal and chemical changes were responsible for the depth of it all, though I am aware that it was due to me being anxious in the first place. It was comforting to finally see it written :)

The Panic Away method is based on 'Demanding More' from your anxiety and then welcoming, embracing and accepting the anxiety and panic, its a total turn around on the usual coping skills that just mask the symptoms. So for this week I have been practising, it is such a weird notion after spending years fearing it, but it is getting easier everyday and I believe it is making a substantial difference.

He also talks about the "Gratitude Exercise' - to spend some time every morning focusing on the things you appreciate about your life. This is something that I have come across before, but it was great to be reminded of again. Mornings are not my best time :) maybe that is why it's a good reason to do it then.

Then there was the Adrenalin sensations, we all know that adrenalin is our own worst enemy, because we buy into the symptoms and turn them into a panic attack. Another good reminder that it is our fear of bodily sensations that cause our anxiety and panic, so this week I have been looking at my body sensations for what they are, and not interpreting them as the start of panic, and that has been helping heaps, again it is very hard to turn around thinking that I was beginning to think was hard wired.

It was great to read a program that was not out to mask the symptoms with varied coping skills, but rather work towards eliminating the underlying problem to end anxiety. I am really glad that I read this program, I wrote down the things I need to be reminded of and pinned it up for me look at every day so I don't slip back into my bad habits, it is way too easy to be drawn back to usual ways.

I do not want to be a victim of anxiety any more!