Life with Anxiety & Agoraphobia

Another Year Has Flown By

2011-11-18T22:40:00.000+08:00

Wow, I cannot believe it has been over a year since I posted here, it has been a very busy year !!

About the time of my last post I was considering moving to be closer to my mum, who has early onset dementia. That was a major consideration due living in government housing, and could I afford to rent privately if I got ill again???? At the end of October I decided to bite the bullet as I couldn't help out being 4 hours drive away. I had lived in this town 11 years ago, so knew some people as well as having contacts for work. At the end of November I made the move, with all the rush of packing and organising everything I had no time for being worried about the outcome, the decision had been made now so all I could do was make the best of it.

I started work in my field of Aged Care 3 days after arriving, yea I know, wow!!!! what a roller coaster ride it all was, but was the only way I could manage financially. Had the kitchen all unpacked on the first day (thanks to my sis) the rest took about six weeks. I was really enjoying work though I was very tired, got to spend lots of time with mum and dad which was great.

By the third month I had hurt my back, and to my surprise found out I had Osteo Arthritis..yay! that was all I needed, little did I know there would be a few more things I wouldn't need coming along. Luckily I have the attitude of accepting what comes along and deal with the best way possible. It was around this time the owners of the house were thinking about putting the house on the market (after giving me a six month lease and the promise of another 2 years after that). The stress was starting to build I can tell you!!!! I started browsing the rental lists again knowing I had three months to find something, I finally found something suitable and had to move myself (with lots of help from a great friend) While I was browsing the rental list I started working in the disability field which was what I first trained in, and loved being back - didn't realise how much I had missed it.
My daughter decided to move overseas for a year, I am really pleased for her, but I do miss her and can't wait till she returns.

Had a few small dramas with my back but it was manageable, within three months I was asked to step up to a office relief position which I was thrilled about, but really scared, I was qualified to do this role but had never done it previously. What a learning curve!!!!! All while still trying to fit in assisting mum and dad.

I must say here, that as much as there were stresses and a lack of time and learning a new role, I hadn't been that happy in a long long time - and to top it all off NOT ONE PANIC ATTACK - no one was more surprised than me.

A couple of months ago I found out I have high blood pressure, I was a bit shocked, but not surprised with all the stress of the year and the many years prior with agoraphobia, so yet another learning curve in change of lifestyle. Oh forgot to mention that I also faced turning half a century! the age part doesn't really bother me, but obviously my body thinks differently to my mind lol

Then came the last and biggest surprise came about a month ago, dad had an operation for cancer so I spent a lot of my spare time with mum during this time as well. Unfortunately the cancer spread, so chemo is next on the list with a good chance of getting it all....fingers crossed.

Last weekend I ended up going to emergency not knowing what was wrong with me....yep...a panic attack, no real surprises there, but I was surprised at how I didn't remember how bad they were after having them daily for nearly four years...bloody amazing I think. I am still on my medication, and my doc believes I will probably always need to stay on them, I am not sure how that will go, but I am happy to stay on them for now. I was fine the next day and with dad having been home from hospital for a week, I could allow myself to have some nice periods of rest.

Last week I started my fourth holiday relief in the office and am slowly getting the hang of it, and loving it.

Can't forget to mention that menopause has dwindled down to almost nothing and that makes me very happy.

I must say a BIG thank you to those who have stayed by my side through these years, I know it must have been difficult and very repetitive. I love you dearly.

I can't say I am on top of the world, but it is still a nice view on the trek up :)

Medication Change

2010-08-11T19:04:00.002+08:00

I saw the doctor a couple of weeks ago and he decided that we should up my medication from 10mg to 20mg. I have been doing really well lately, no panic attacks at all, but still haven't been able to go to social events or shopping centres. So he thinks that by upping the dose it will move me forward, lets hope so...

So on Saturday I was at work, happily doing my bit, then all of a sudden my whole upper body was tingling full on, even my tongue! Of course this made me panic and I was a total mess, I tried all my strategies for overcoming the panic, but nothing worked. Which of course made the panic even worse as I figured there must be something really really wrong. I ended up leaving work, phoned my sister to talk to me and try help calm me down, came home to bed and stayed there till Sunday lunchtime, the whole time this tingling was there.

By late Sunday it had eased a lot but was still over my face and mouth and tongue. I had done some research on Saturday on the side affects of raising the dosage and found that this could be a side affect which calmed me somewhat to know that it was normal.

Monday I went to the docs just to check that everything was ok, he said that it was only a 'mild' side affect.... didn't feel to mild to me at the time hehe. I went back to work on Tuesday and everything went well but found by late last night it was getting worse, due to being tired I imagine. This morning it was almost all gone and by lunchtime I could not feel a thing, but now a bit has come back around my mouth.... must be getting tired... I'll be glad when the first two weeks are up and I can hopefully start to see if it is going to make a noticeable difference.

Gallbladder finally gone :)

2010-07-31T18:58:00.001+08:00

Finally had my gallbladder removed on June 24th through keyhole surgery, everything went well and was home the following day.

Had some pain, but not enough to worry about painkillers, just lots of rest. Couldn't walk very well for the first week, and had to have 4 weeks of work.

I can't explain how great it is to know that I will never have another gallbladder attack, they are the worst things imaginable, hours and hours of excruciating pain. Still have to be aware of what I eat but for digestive reasons now.

Steadily Moving Forward

2010-06-05T13:59:00.001+08:00

Life has been going pretty well over the last few months. I am still following the Panic Away program and have been able to stop talking to my amygdala!

Most of the self talk is automatic now and I do smile at myself when I catch myself, that I have been able to turn the self talk around from negative to positive in such a short space of time after suffering for so many years.

I have been able to go office buildings and catch elevators, I do get a bit of the prickly feeling but am able to stop it going any further and calm myself down fairly quickly. I did go into a supermarket in a small centre at closing time – no people around and went down a couple of aisles with my daughter – that was a huge step as shopping centres have been my biggest hurdle. I haven’t worked my way up to a large shopping centre or restaurants yet, but I think that is my own fear rather than believing I would not be able to cope.

I did go to a family birthday party in a hall where I had set up an escape plan so as not to look totally mad hehe, and didn’t end having to use it. I had such a great time and my family is still talking about me mingling and laughing.

Just secretly, I have come to the conclusion that I am a tad worried about getting 100% better as there will be more expected of me, I have become so accustomed to my quiet lifestyle; another challenge to overcome :)

Panic Away & The Linden Method

2010-01-15T14:29:00.000+08:00

I still haven't had a full blown panic attack since reading Panic Away (except while waking up in pain, but I don't count that as it wasn't for the normal reasons.) I kept repeating to myself that every symptom I felt was just a feeling, I was the one putting the thought to it and making myself panic, and it has worked up to now.

I always felt all this was out of my control and there was nothing I could do, I could do CBT and other things, but it only ever got me so far. This was something I had control over, what the symptoms were, and that it was me translating them into something they were not.

I also downloaded the Linden method and the one great thing I took from there was how the amygdala - part of the limbic system - processes memory and emotional reactions and sets the anxiety level on past experiences. So I have been going around during my daily tasks talking to my amygdala!!!!

I thought I was crazy before, now I really think I am :-) but it seems to be working, these two methods are moving me along slowly but surely at the moment.

I have gone into more shops (still not shopping centres) and can stay in there longer, I have even managed to do a full shop (not done for two years now) on 3 occasions without even one panic feeling. What is weird though is that my thoughts still try to do the same things saying:- get out quick, you need to get to a safe place, but because I am not paying attention to the symptoms it doesn't go anywhere, and I go back to focusing on the shopping. I am utterly amazed and very happy of course.

I haven't tried anything different yet, like places I haven't been in years like going to a restuarant/cafe, the movies, or even somewhere where I can't bring the car and have to walk. I have proof that it is working, but I still don't trust myself - how totally conditioned we make ourselves. But I am in no hurry, I would rather take it slowly and build up the confidence, than dive in too deep and find I can't swim. It has taken years to get this bad, I don't expect any miracle cures that will fix it all in one swoop.

I haven't told any of my family about all this yet, I am forever building methods up to them only for them to fail a few weeks down the track. So I am going to keep slowly pushing myself until I am ready to surprise them with something. Not sure what yet, but I imagine it would be something like showing up for a weekend lunch at at a cafe.

Gallstones Update

2010-01-15T13:44:00.000+08:00

It is nearly a month since I last posted, I promised myself I was going to be more regular after moving to blogspot! I came on to write a post and ended up spending a couple of hours reading everyone else's new posts, now I'm all blogged out :)

I had a lovely time over Christmas with all the family, though healthwise it was a disaster. After not being able to eat after the gallbladder attack before Christmas I took myself to the doc's, had to see my docs offsider, and he wrongly diagnosed me with a bowel obstruction and not to eat anything till it cleared. So having trust in the medico I survived only on water for 2 weeks!! and everything the chemist could suggest to help things along, I was still not hungry so that was not an issue and I felt great, but the worry of what it was doing to my body was raising my anxiety levels.

Had to wait till January 4 to see my doc as everything was closed down for the holidays, by this time hypochondria had starting setting in and I was dying with all sorts of illnesses. He was very angry to say the least, it was my gall stones that had caused the attack like I originally thought, so back on food again, but even now I am still eating very limited, don't really feel hungry but make myself have 4-5 snacks through the day. Had to have another ultra sound, my one gallstone has now multiplied into 2 large ones and one small one, will have more tests in February then it will be surgery to have it removed.

I never wanted to have it removed, as I believe it is needed for the body to function well, but after the last attack I can't wait to have it taken out, never want to go through that pain again, give me childbirth any day!

Panic Away

2009-12-21T21:14:00.000+08:00

I downloaded Panic Away Program last week, and have been reading every chance I got. Finally finished it today.

After so many years of reading so many books, I had heard it most one time or another, but there were a few things that I really took on board, firstly that menopause can be a cause of anxiety/agoraphobia. I have waded through anxiety for way too many years now, but I had been 'mostly fine' for 5 years prior to menopause starting, and that's when the agoraphobia started setting in. I have always believed that the menopause with its myriad of hormonal and chemical changes were responsible for the depth of it all, though I am aware that it was due to me being anxious in the first place. It was comforting to finally see it written :)

The Panic Away method is based on 'Demanding More' from your anxiety and then welcoming, embracing and accepting the anxiety and panic, its a total turn around on the usual coping skills that just mask the symptoms. So for this week I have been practising, it is such a weird notion after spending years fearing it, but it is getting easier everyday and I believe it is making a substantial difference.

He also talks about the "Gratitude Exercise' - to spend some time every morning focusing on the things you appreciate about your life. This is something that I have come across before, but it was great to be reminded of again. Mornings are not my best time :) maybe that is why it's a good reason to do it then.

Then there was the Adrenalin sensations, we all know that adrenalin is our own worst enemy, because we buy into the symptoms and turn them into a panic attack. Another good reminder that it is our fear of bodily sensations that cause our anxiety and panic, so this week I have been looking at my body sensations for what they are, and not interpreting them as the start of panic, and that has been helping heaps, again it is very hard to turn around thinking that I was beginning to think was hard wired.

It was great to read a program that was not out to mask the symptoms with varied coping skills, but rather work towards eliminating the underlying problem to end anxiety. I am really glad that I read this program, I wrote down the things I need to be reminded of and pinned it up for me look at every day so I don't slip back into my bad habits, it is way too easy to be drawn back to usual ways.

I do not want to be a victim of anxiety any more!

Gallbladder Attack and Christmas

2009-12-21T01:04:00.000+08:00

I had another attack last night - 4 hours of acute pain!! up till 5 in the morning with it. So today I spent time typing out a list of foods that I can have and those I need to avoid and stuck it up inside my pantry door so I don't get lazy. I am usually pretty careful, but after no attacks for a while I do become a bit complacent, but this is two in a week now, so I better listen to my body. All I had to eat today was yoghurt and fresh fruit juice as my tummy was way to tender.

So Christmas dinner will be very bland for me this year. Mum used to make the full traditional dinner years ago, but as time went on it became smaller and smaller. Me and my sisters took on the task last year and it went pretty well, this year we decided to go all out and do all the dishes as we had when we were kids.

I spent this week cooking the meats - the meats I now wont be able to eat!
One sister spent today baking all the cakes and sweets - the cakes and sweets I wont be able to eat!
The other sister is doing all the side dishes - I will be able to have some of them :)

I totally love our traditional European xmas dinner and have been looking forward to it for months, now I will need to just enjoy the aromas.

Work Update

2009-12-21T00:16:00.000+08:00

Work finally got back to me on Friday. I was glad they took a few days to respond to my email, it gave me time to think things over and not just react.

She said they would not sign separation papers for me (which is because they are legally not allowed to put me off due to health reasons they were aware of when they employed me). They also changed their tune and said that since I have done such great work for them in the past year they would really like to keep me on, and promises to give me my required shifts. It was great to hear them suck up :) ....as I knew I had done nothing wrong.

I have decided that I will not stay with them, as I can not work for people who think I am a liar, that is not a healthy work relationship. But I will swallow my pride and stay with them till the new year so I have time to look for other work, I have already put a couple of applications in so hopefully I will hear back soon.

Timely Psych Visit

2009-12-16T12:02:00.001+08:00

Had my monthly psych visit today which I always look forward to, as it gives me my boost to move forward.

Before I get to my visit, I want to give a bit of background to my psych and why I like her. You can't just see any psych and get better, it needs to be someone that you click with.

We chat about so many different things so we don't always stay on target, I really like her attitude about our sessions, that where ever we end up is where we need to be, as we are still tackling the agoraphobia in one way or another, she is so adaptable and I really enjoy that aspect. She has differing views from other psychs that I have seen that want to make you into a totally well rounded person, she believes that you don't need to become 100% better in the eyes of others to be mentally healthy. I have always had an issue with being able to do everything - as I have no interest in that, for example - I am a hermit at heart and enjoy my own company, so I will never be or want to be a social butterfly.

Her take on getting better is: If it doesn't have a negative affect on other people, it doesn't matter what you choose to do or not to do, but the big thing is that it is a choice, and not controlled by the agoraphobia/anxiety. Eg, if you don't shower, other people will be affected by the odour. If you don't go to luncheons, it really doesn't affect anyone, they may not like it but it, but you need to be accepted for who you are.

We have talked a lot about CBT and how I felt it helped me a lot in getting through my anxieties, but how the breathing always made me hyperventilate and just spiralled the panic to a point of no return. I had learnt the breathing technique of breathe in for a count of 4, hold for 4, breathe out for 4.

So she taught me her technique which I will be forever grateful for, it has made such a huge difference in me managing my anxieties. Take a slow deep breath in, then breathe out slowly counting to ten slowly and relaxed, then never worry about breathing in, as that is an automatic body function. So now I just focus on breathing out slowly to the count of ten. This has reduced my anxiety ten fold and was one of those light bulb moments that will always be remembered. I have not had a full blown panic attack since starting this technique.

Now to today's visit, I talked about moving my blog and scanning through the old posts, and realising where I am today compared to my first post.
And how last week I made it into the shop which was one of the first places that I avoided due to the panic attacks, I have been able to get into other small shops, but that was a hard one to face. I went in with goal of getting one item, but got four, and went down two aisles.

So we discussed that now that I am able to meet my needs eg. buying food, (I'm still not able to go to shopping centres, but since I hate shopping at the best of times, that isn't really a big issue for me) we are going to look at getting into office building etc. There are a few things I need to do, educational and medical, that I am not able to do until I can get into office buildings and attend meetings and appointments. Its not so much what I need to do, but more the waiting and giving my brain time to go off on one of its tangents - which usually ends up in a panic attac. Also its that I am not able to go anywhere where I am not able to park right outside the door, and pop and in and out without much hassle. So stairs lifts, parking bays too far away decide where I go and don't go.

So over the xmas break I am just going to keep going with what I have been doing.

Crappy few weeks

2009-12-15T23:48:00.000+08:00

I feel like I have been on a rollercoaster for the past couple of weeks, not in myself, jut life in general.

Firstly I had a chemical reaction at a clients house, which knocked me for six for four days, when I slowly started feeling human again.
Work has since been decreasing my hours because I had to take days off after the reaction, it is their type of punishment or something, tit for tat! this is how they treat all the staff that do not conform to their expectations. So I kept harassing for more hours so I can meet my financial obligations, then Monday there was no work again!! they said they would fix it - they didn't.

No roster on Tuesday - though they swear they emailed it through, so that was taken as me avoiding work of course, cause they can't be wrong.

Then today I had a huge gall bladder attack today, that I really should've gone to hospital for, but I rode it out. Mainly because as soon as they see on my records that I suffer from panic attacks they treat me like I am over reacting!!! grrrr

So I called work to let them know that I would prob not be able to work tomorrow, which they got very huffy about. (I thought I was doing the right thing letting them know today, rather than half an before I was to start in the morning).

Then the supervisor phoned me back going on about how it is always one thing or another (this always is 5 x off for chemical reactions in 1 year, and 1 x off for gall bladder attack previous to today) and that it seems I am just trying to avoid work, and that I am not really sick just something I am saying to hide the 'real reason' I do not want to work, and no wonder I never get any shifts and that they will be employing more people in my area (meaning to replace me, but did not say so)

I was so upset I could not even speak to her, to be called a liar, and that I would make up being ill. I can't even believe that people who work in an industry caring for people can be so rude and thoughtless, but I am not surprised really, I have been astonished over the past year of how they have treated their staff.

So I composed myself and wrote her an email stating that the chemical reactions and gallbladder issue was discussed at my initial interview and I was told they would work around that. I also said they better fill out my seperation papers as I will not be able to continue working for people who think I am a liar.

I got an email back saying that she was sorry I felt that way!!!! I only felt that way because of the way I was being treated grrrrrr - do these people listen to themselves. They will be discussing my 'issues' tomorrow and getting back to me.

So now I have had next to no hours for the past 2 weeks, xmas around the corner and no job.

I am not that concerned about the job, as I know that I will have no problem finding another job as I have 10 years experience in the field. Just lousy timing.

I am amazed that I lasted a year there, but I was just glad to be ably to work on a casual basis where I could set the hours I needed each week.

Anyway, that is the end of my whinge, I usually try and look on the positive side of things, but that will have to wait until tomorrow :-)

Its Been Such a Long Time Away From Here

2009-12-10T15:31:00.002+08:00

As you can see I have moved my blog here, my other website's registration will be due in a few months, so thought I'd do something about it before I lost it all.

It was great looking over all the old posts, can't believe its been over two years since I became house bound ~ time flies when staring at four walls ;) It has also made me realise how many hurdles I have overcome in that time, which is a great confidence boost, it is amazing how quickly you forget how bad it really was. Mind you if it wasn't for work, I still wouldn't be leaving the house, so that has been my saving grace and a great confidence builder.

There have been lots of ups and down since March but mainly heading in the right direction. I still haven't conquered a shopping centre or large supermarkets, but I can do the smaller food shops on good days. Still have to park right outside shops to be able get in there, but I am working on that at the moment, parking one to three bays further away and that is going well on most days.

I am still working at the same place, and that is going well. Had only needed to leave work early a few times in the early days due to the agoraphobia.
I have had to leave early a few more times, but that was due to my chemical allergy, work thought I was trying to get out of seeing certain clients, I have explained it to them on various occasions including at my initial interview, but I think they still believe that I am not a reliable worker ~ I can only explain, can't make anyone believe me unfortunately.

Rory is still living with me, and I don't race into my bedroom every time his friends come over now, which I think he is pleased about, it must be hard to be a child of an agoraphobic and having to try and explain the very odd behaviours.

Chloe has moved back here now and is living in the middle of the city, the plan is for me to go there once a week, but it is very difficult as there is very limited parking close by, which is usually taken. I was very proud of myself the other week when I managed to get a spot right outside her apartment block, only to come out to a $100 parking fine as it was during peak hour traffic and there was no parking allowed at that time!!!
Lesson ~ read parking signs carefully in the city

Nature v’s Nurture

2009-03-08T21:25:00.002+09:00

I just replied to a post from Coffeecup re Nature v’s Nurture and it got me thinking…

It’s such a huge area to tackle on one hand, and so simple on the other, so here is my story and point of view on the subject.

I was the black sheep in my family, I have 3 siblings who were always told they could do/be anything, but me - I was never good enough and wouldn’t amount to much - I proved them wrong on that score ;), though I still have self doubts about my abilities. The proof is in the pudding though I suppose and I have managed some great stuff (if I may say so myself).

I was also nagged (brainwashed) constantly about “What will people think?” eg, what to wear, how to act, how to sit, how to stand, how the house should be, how your children behave, don’t say what you think, don’t show your emotions etc etc etc etc etc - the list is endless!

I understand that this is the way the previous generation was, but by simply turning it around to “set your own standards”, rather than “having to meet others’ standards’” (who probably never cared anyway) , my life may have been totally different, such a small shift can give awesome outcomes. I am much better now than what I was, but I still have this overwhelming fear of peoples thoughts should I loose control in some way, it doesn’t have to be major loss either, just having to leave a trolley full of shopping, sitting down on the curb or leaning up against a shop wall to have a rest is something I can’t do, cause “what will people think”. I often see people sitting down on the side of a road for whatever their reason is, and I really wish that I could be like that, its not a bad thing, and people really don’t care, but in my mind…….. I know by thinking like this I am putting myself under so much more pressure than need be, but its a daily occurrence with one thought or another. If I was with someone else I would have no problem sitting down on the curb or whatever - how strange is that!!

I vowed that I would bring up my children with positive nurturing, and allow them to be who they were/wanted to be, help soothe their negatives, and really praise their positives. I believe that I did well with both my children and they have turned out well adjusted adults - don’t get me wrong they are not perfect, and I don’t want them to be either. I always thought before telling them off - will this help or hinder them? There were times when I hindered them terribly as any mother would understand but on the whole it was helping.

My daughter (Chloe - 24) thanked me a couple of years ago for being the best mum and supporting her so positively in everything she did - or did not do, and when seeing other friends relationships with their mothers she is very grateful she has me (she added that it would’ve been nice if I was rich as well, oops failed that one ) That was the best thing to hear and it melted my heart, but I was also proud of myself for having changed the pattern in the family lore, and to know they will not have to go through emotional baggage that I have.

My son (Rory), well he is a 19 old - need I say more I don’t expect to get any gratitude from him anytime soon, I know he is grateful by other things he says, but God forbid to actually voice any of those thoughts to mum. I know he is well rounded as all the girls love him - not because he is handsome or anything like that (which he is of course ;), but because he can sit down and talk with them on any subject for hours without any shame and he doesn’t care what his manly mates think.

Both of my kids will stand up and fight for their morals and values and happy to pass someone over if they do not have the same values. Me - I would have been too scared to voice my opinion. Secretly and ashamedly I sometimes feel a bit jealous of their abilities and wish I could have been as strong growing up, even now for that matter - I still worry too much about “What will people think?” but that was a term I never passed onto my children. My main term was “How would you feel if….?” to understand what it is like to stand in someone elses shoes for just a moment, empathy is a great trait.

I must say that I was a bit upset after my children were born and decided that I would not bring them up as a girl or boy, but both as children and let nurture make them into rounded human beings, when my son was only a couple of months old I can remember phoning mum, very disappointed that males are born males, and there is nothing you can do to change that!! but I still persevered My ex husband kept telling me that I was bringing up our son up to be a “girls blouse” (a sissy), that was a compliment to me!! I was doing right, males having feelings and emotions does not make them a “girls blouse”, just a much better person.

So I say nurture has worked much better in this generation, I hate to think who they would be if I had numbly carried on mum’s beliefs. They both still have their innate traits given by nature, good and bad, but they have been positively built on not suffocated.

5 Responses to “Nature v’s Nurture”

Dr. Davon Jacobson, M.D. on June 1st, 2009 1:58 am
This is really a well laid out website. I like how you have presented your information in excellent detail. You seem to really love your site. Keep up the great work here and please visit by my blog sometime. The url is http://healthy-nutrition-facts.blogspot.com
Gostemayorere on June 6th, 2009 9:51 am
Hi, Congratulations to the site owner for this marvelous work you’ve done. It has lots of useful and interesting data.
AP on June 18th, 2009 1:03 pm
Great post! It’s so easy to fall into allowing the expectations or parameters that other people set for us to control every thought. Like you said, even leaning against a wall could be a no-no because what people might think. If we were to let go of these expectations that aren’t even ours, we’d have a lot less anxiety.
Ruby on June 18th, 2009 5:36 pm
Hi AP, Gostemayorere and Dr Jacobson
Welcome and thank you for your posts
Barry on December 7th, 2009 4:48 pm
Your perseverance and introspect is one that shows true motherly care. You have learned how to deal with situations with a positive outlook. Many are not aware that they can snap out of it or find a way to get help.

Such A Great Feeling To Achieve Small Steps

2009-03-07T21:23:00.002+09:00

I am getting rather worried about my specialist visit on the 26th, I hope I can manage it all ok as I really want to get this stuff sorted. A good friend is coming up from down south to come in with me, and I am really looking forward to seeing her as I haven’t seen her in ages.

On a good note, work told me that I had to go for a manual handling training for 2 hours last week, I freaked when she told me, luckily I had explained my agoraphobia to them at the first interview, so I told her my fears. This training has to updated each year for competency and I new I had to go, my supervisor called the facilitator for me and explained my situation.

I thought up all sorts of excuses of why I could not attent, but in the end I knew I had to at least try, so off I went!! I spoke to the facilitator when I arrived and she was happy for me to leave when I needed to. I think that just knowing I would not make a fool of myself by leaving early took away a lot of the anxiety. The session was for 2 hours and I stayed for 1.5 I was pretty pleased with myself. It also helped that it was in a small building with windows everywhere, and doors open to a courtyard.

A friend called me earlier this week and told me that I had to go into a small supermarket that is located right on the street and buy just one thing and then report back. I was quite put out by the demand, but appreciated the push at the same time. So on Friday after my shift I went in planning to buy something that was located at the front of the shop, I felt pretty good considering, so I made my way down the first aisle, by the time I got to the check out I had 12 items, I really surprised myself!! I started getting anxious and kept doing my breathing on the way to the check out, and was really really glad to be out when I got to the car, but I did it.

I go through such waves of emotions about getting over this, I get so sick of climbing this bloody hill only to fall off the other side (eventually - sometimes years, sometimes months) that I think I am better of staying where I am, each time before I have pushed myself hard to getting better but this time I feel like I’m so sick of fighting for nothing. But then days in the last week happen and I get a shot of positiveness to go on and fight again.

2008 - The Short Version

2009-02-25T21:14:00.002+09:00

Gosh its been hard to think of whats been happening in the past year, I can barely remember what I did yesterday

I finished up at the night shift job as they were cutting down on staff, and then I went back working in Aged Care in a Nursing Home. It was very hard there having to speak with staff every day and find something interesting to talk about - since I do nothing! But I loved the work. After 6 weeks I started being nauseous every day (not from anxiety) and had to leave. But of course these symptoms made my body think I was having regular panic attacks again, and I went down hill very quickly.

I went for tests and found out that I had gall stones, but my doctor thought it was something else causing the nausea and pain so he wanted me to have an endoscopy to check for gastric reflux. But I couldn’t make it in to have the test, after being housebound again for 4 months I finally got the courage up to go in. There was no major damage there, so now I have to go in for further tests on my gallstones - in a much bigger hospital - so not sure how that is going to work, the appointment is on March 26.

I have found another job in Aged Care working part time in the community assisting the elderly at home with personal care, I am managing this fine, as there is no building I’m stuck in all day, just driving to each persons home and assisting for up to an hour, then back in my car - My Refuge Have been there for 2 months now, and still going strong.

I still can’t get into shops, offices etc but found last week a home delivery service for food shopping which is great (actually probably not great, as it is just using my great avoidance skills even more) but haven’t been into other shops for the whole year besides a small church food shop, local butcher and greengrocer that are not in a shopping centre, and these only on a good day.

Being a hermit at the best of times probably doesn’t help matters either, as I do not have any great inner urgency to get out into the big wide world.

Overall I feel much better now that I am working again, at least it gets me out of the house for a few hours each weekday. The rest of the time I pretty much do next to nothing. Actually that is not totally true, I have been recording free audio books for a site called “Librivox” and that has been great. They only record books in the public domain, so have taken part in some great golden oldies

I don’t want to bore you too much with my non activity over these months, so I will leave it here for now.

Its great to back online

Ruby

3 Responses to “2008 - The Short Version”

SARAH on February 26th, 2009 12:49 am
I am SOOOOO happy you’re back
x
coffeecup on February 26th, 2009 10:06 am
Fabulous that you’re back!!! You were truly missed. We do worry what happens when folks stop writing, but to find you returned in such good spirits Ruby, is wonderful.
Ruby on February 26th, 2009 10:39 am
Thanks guys
Its great to be welcomed back so nicely. I’m really glad to be back.

I’m Back!!

2009-01-25T21:13:00.003+09:00

Hi everyone

Firstly thank you to all the lovely comments left here while I was away.

I have been without internet for a year now, but I am back on line and looking forward to catching up with everyone.
I just spent an hour going through 700!! comments, most of which were spam, so I will come back shortly and give a quick update of the past year

Links

2008-02-09T21:27:00.001+09:00

I am not ready to just sit and watch agoraphobia take over my life any more, and have spent many months searching for some good sites that can help me and that talks in plain language.
There is so much out there in cyberspace and I have wasted lots of time reading rubbish, but occasionally I find something great. I found these helpful or interesting in someway, so here they are:

Agoraphobia Resource Center

This site is written by Stephen who is a recovered agoraphobic and now has a masters degree in psychology. He has so much helpful information on his site, as well as a monthly newsletter with recovery techniques, and an e-book, its great to read from someone who knows what recovery is like. Stephen is also going to write a book and his blog for that is Panic Disorder Book Project

Beyond Blue

Beyond Blue is a national, independent, not-for-profit organisation working to address issues associated with depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder and post-natal depression. It has a key goal of raising community awareness about depression and reducing stigma associated with the illness.

Centre for Clinical Interventions

Centre for Clinical Interventions has numerous resources and great workbooks related to a variety of mental health issues.

depressioNet

depressioNet has a comprehensive resource of information help and a forum and chat room.

GROW

GROW is a community working towards mental health through mutual help and a 12 step recovery program. Small groups of people who have experienced depression, anxiety or other mental or emotional distress, come together on a weekly basis in all Australian states to help each other deal with the challenges of life.
There is also a similar group in the US:
Recovery, Inc.

Life with Agoraphobia Report

Life with Agoraphobia Report is by Dr. Joyce Davidson Post-Doctoral Research Fellow from The Institute for Health Research at Lancaster University has been conducting doctoral research on the experience of agoraphobia
and panic in plain english.

Mens Health Site

Mens Health Site is a great a great site for men covering various health topics.

Mood Gym

Mood Gym is an interactive training program with quizzes and workbooks that are saved in your profile.

Sane

SANE Australia is a national charity working for a better life for people affected by mental illness through Campaigns, Education and Research.

Still Here

2008-01-28T21:10:00.003+09:00

I have had a terrible time sleeping lately, it has been so hot that all I have been doing is laying in bed while I am home and hoping to get enough sleep/rest to get me through the next shift at work.

It has been ranging between mid to high 30C degrees daily as well as a few above 40C degrees. If I am still at this job next year I think I may have to invest in an air conditioner. Actually its not so much the cost of the air conditioner as the monthly running costs, but its only for a couple of months I suppose, and sleep is very important.

I will write once I am getting enough sleep to be able to think again.

Ruby

10 Responses to “I’m Still Here”

Robert on January 30th, 2008 9:45 am
Hi Ruby!
Good to hear from you again! I hope that things are going well for you.
You can have some of the cold, grey, damp weather we’ve got here, if you like! But, actually, I prefer the temperature not to go too much above 20°.
Best wishes!
coffeecup on February 1st, 2008 11:25 pm
Hi Ruby, what weather you’re having! It’s horrible here, the wind is howling and it’s trying very hard to snow. Then it pours with rain! Yuck! Cannot get warm at all today.
Worrying over sleep sure does make it worse. When you’re lying there thinking that you ought to be sleeping, it just causes guilt and more anxiety. I’m awake well into the night all the time, but don’t have the pressure of having to cope at work. It’s hard to battle with panic when you’re very tired too. I emapthise with how you must be feeling. Come to England where it’s freezing! We’re all sruggling to keep warm at night!
All the best, Steph x
coffeecup on February 22nd, 2008 5:59 am
Ruby are you okay? Getting a bit worried that you’ve not been around for a while. Hope things are well :-/
shellie on February 25th, 2008 9:29 pm
I just came accross ur page today, i am so happy to finally read/hear that i am not alone in how i feel, i actually cried. I have been off work for comming up to 7 months with this “anxiety” and just feel lost. i don’t see a light at the end of my tunnel and am so desperate to go back to work even though i still wake up with heart palpatations so strong that my whole body shakes and God forbid i should have an unexpected knock on my door (i can never answer it), i’m too panicy to drive and can’t catch a bus on my own so i walk for miles and miles to anywere i need to go ( i say walk but it’s more like speed walking with headphones and a hat on looking at the floor). i have good days every now and then but mostly bad days, and i can’t even start to tell you about the stress that my work have caused mr from bullying from a manager to witholding pay to not being able to “guarentee” part time hours if i return to work.
please, were u as bad as me and how long did it take u to see the light?
Grind on March 25th, 2008 11:43 pm
Hey Ruby,
Haven’t heard form you in awhile but hoping that all is fine with you and your family.
Mental Health Blog Research Group on March 30th, 2008 9:28 am
Hello, we are researchers from The College of New Jersey interested in gaining information on the views of authors of mental health blogs. You have received this invitation because you are an author of such a blog. Participation will involve responding to surveys about your mental health and blogging habits. The results are completely confidential. No respondent’s personal identity will be requested or associated with any set of answers. We appreciate your time and help with our study and as a thank you for participating you will be entered into a prize draw. If you are interested or desire further information, please respond to mhblog@tcnj.edu and be sure to include a link to the home page of your blog as well as your preferred contact email address. The survey will be sent to you via email within the next few weeks. Thank you in advance for your participation!
–
Mental Health Blog Research Group
The College of New Jersey
mhblog@tcnj.edu
James Collins on April 4th, 2008 11:36 am
I think your site is great and would like to trade links with you. My site is about my personal fight with agoraphobia. Anyway, great site!
- James
James Collins on April 14th, 2008 3:21 pm
I have agoraphobia also and it sucks Ive had it for 3 years now and it doesnt seem to be lightening up anytime soon.
James
http://www.anxiety-agoraphobia.com
Phoenix on April 29th, 2008 11:26 am
I just clicked on to this site out of curiousity and I read a little bit. I suffered from panic attacks and agoraphobia when I was 16. I continued to suffer through them until I was diagnosed with brain cancer in 1998. I have long since recovered and I am writing a book about how I survived brain cancer, the foster care system and a couple of drunk husbands and finally a bad assualt on me before my diagnosis. I am hoping that a lot of people will read my book and learn how depression ties into anxiety attacks. I will be visiting this site again soon.
Sarah on August 15th, 2008 2:39 pm
How are you doing there?
x

2008

2008-01-06T21:01:00.002+09:00

Well its 2008 and I have plans of having a more positive year in various areas;

Number one is doing some social things to get me out of the house to meet some people, I haven't decided what yet, but I will have a look around in the local paper to find what is going on. I feel like I can face people now that I have at least something to talk about - work - cause I haven't done anything else worth talking about, and I am sure they don't want to hear about my Agoraphobia and Panic Attacks :)

I also want to spend some time and money in redecorating my house, I have made a small start where I have painted a feature wall, I want to paint the kitchen as well, have a new fridge and freezer on layby, and the next on the list is a new bedroom suite for me.

I also want to get back into part time study, still deciding between adding to my computer certificates or to add to my Diploma in Welfare & Disabilites, or maybe something just for fun, I will see whats on offer when the new courses are listed at the end of January.

I beleive doing the above things will automatically help with my Agoraphobia, so recovering further goes without saying.

The Holidays Are Over

2008-01-06T21:00:00.002+09:00

I had a great Christmas, me Chloe and Rory went to my parents house 4 1/2 hours away and spent a few days there. Both my sisters and their families came as well, so it was a great catch up time for us all. I also got a chance to catch up with a couple of friends while there which was really nice. The drive there and back was a bit of a drama as my dog and her 4 three week old pups came as well, so we had to stop halfway to let them feed, which made the trip a bit longer than usual.

My sisters and I divided all the cooking this year, as its getting to hard for mum, so I did all the meat dishes, one sister all the baking and the other sister did all the odds and ends. It made it for an interesting meal commenting on everyones cooking and a few disasters, we are swapping the cooking lists next year so we all get a turn at trying all things so the traditional Christmas meal does not go astray

I didn’t have any attacks at all, but was very tired each night with all the socialising, and I must say I was glad to get back home on Boxing Day. A friends grown son came back with us and stayed for 4 days so that was spent doing the hostess thing.

I didn’t do anything for New Years but I normally don’t so that wasn’t a problem, I was enjoying the kids stories and photos of their nights out. Then Chloe had her birthday on the 4th Jan and it was great to have her here for that. She went back home today ready to start work again tomorrow.

I started back at work last Thursday, it was nice to have a 2 day week when first getting back, had gotten used to being slack after nearly 2 weeks off, then back to it again tomorrow night.

Well its 2008 and I have plans of making a more positive year in various areas, number one is doing some social things to get to meet some people, I haven’t decided what yet, but I will have a look around in the local paper to find what is going on. I feel like I can face people now that I have at least something to talk about - work - cause I haven’t done anything else worth talking about, and I am sure they don’t want to hear about my Agoraphobia and Panic Attacks
I also want to spend some time and money in redecorating my house, I have made a small start where I have painted a feature wall

3 Responses to “The Holidays Are Over”

Robert on January 18th, 2008 6:15 pm
Happy new year Ruby!
Ok, so I know we’re well into the new year, but it’s the 1st time I’ve posted a comment to you this year, so I think it’s deserved.
Anyhow, your description of your holiday activities painted a very enjoyable picture indeed. It’s good to see you in such a positive frame of mind. Improvements cannot fail to follow! I look forward to reading about them.
As always, Marie & I have you in our thoughts.
Best wishes.
Free from Anxiety on December 14th, 2008 1:50 am
Excellent content here and a nice writing style too - keep up the great work!
Ruby on February 25th, 2009 12:56 pm
Thanks
I have been without internet for a while, but I am back now

Merry Christmas

2007-12-22T20:59:00.000+09:00

I am off down south for a few days with Chloe & Rory to spend Christmas with my family .

Hope you all have a great Christmas and a New Year that reveals your strengths for you to meet your goals and ambitions.

Merry Christmas

Finally Got Back Into A Shop

2007-12-15T20:57:00.001+09:00

My daughter was at home last week, and we had planned to go shopping for christmas together. I couldn’t get into one shop and Chloe even had to do my food shopping for me, so we didnt get our christmas shopping done. Chloe did what she could and was very understanding about the whole thing.

But, I am happy to say that I made it into 3 shops on Friday that I could park right in front of, and today I made it into 2 more shops, one of them a toy wharehouse - as if getting into the shop wasn’t hard enough I had to put up with hundreds of parents with laden arms and their kids running amok. I started to panic when I was in line waiting to pay, but managed to breathe my way through it. The one thing I kept on thinking about was Marie coping to get straight back into a shop after a major panic attack. Thanks Marie, for your distant support

I can’t believe that it has taken 3 weeks for me to start getting back on track after the allergy attack. I have been reading a book “Who Turned Off My Brain?” written by psychologist, and she explains exactly what happens in our brain with negative (and positive) thoughts and how the Panic Attack starts off, and how all of this affects the rest of body, its a very intersting read. Anyway, she has a theory that allergies can start after long term stress, panic attacks etc and why the body and mind reacts to stimuli the way it does when its something you were not allergic to prior to the onset of mental health illness.

So here is hoping I can get the rest of the christmas presents I still need to buy

7 Weird and Random Facts About Me

2007-12-15T20:55:00.001+09:00

I was asked this question by Coffecup “I’d like to nominate you to tell us all 7 ‘weird and random’ facts about yourself”…. hmmm I will give it a go.

1. I am a bit of a gypsy and have moved house more than 60 times.

2. I am an organisational nut, but am not very tidy

3. My favourite foods are Cheeses and Cold Meats

4. I enjoy decoupage

5. I have a warped sense of humour that some people just don’t get

6. I am the black sheep in my family, apparently I don’t “conform”……. to their ways of thinking

7. I am a reflexologist

Hope this qualifies

4 Responses to “7 Weird and Random Facts About Me”

coffeecup on December 16th, 2007 10:44 am
Ha ha wonderful Ruby. Thanks for revealling all. Wow! Didn’t know you did reflexology! Some super facts there, hope you enjoyed having to think of them?
Ruby on December 22nd, 2007 9:32 pm
It was a difficult task, thought of lots of things, but did I really want to put them on my blog - that would be definately not
It was fun though
Ruby
Panic Guy on December 30th, 2007 3:16 am
Hi Ruby! I’ve never commented before, but this post struck me a little. You have moved house more than 60 times??? That’s an awful lot of moving! How did you endure all that?
Ruby on January 6th, 2008 9:44 pm
Hi Panic Guy
Yes a bit of worry really A lot of those moves were going back to the parents house between moves, but its still moving really.
In hindsight I think that it was my anxiety that caused all the moves, and each time I moved I felt great for a while when learning all about a new place, and I did love setting up a new house and getting to know the culture of the place.
Since the kids came along I lasted 4 years in each place.
I am glad to say that I have lived where I am for nearly 4 years and don’t have itchy feet yet, I think that is because as I get older I don’t enjoy the hassle of moving anymore.

Overcomer’s Package

2007-12-06T20:53:00.002+09:00

I have a subscription to Overcome Panic which is written by a female Christian Minister in the US. (I am not a practicing Christian but I have long held beliefs. I just received an email saying that they are offering free postage for the rest of December for local and international orders, so I thought I would share in case any one is interested.

I have ordered Overcomer’s Package for myself as I found that the best value, but they have a variety of CD topics on overcoming anxiety and panic attacks. The Overcomers Package has a book, workbook and a set of CD’s, so I will let you know what I think when I receive it.

5 Responses to “Overcomer’s Package”

coffeecup on December 9th, 2007 4:49 am
Dear Ruby, I hope that you don’t mind but I’d like to nominate you to tell us all 7 ‘weird and random’ facts about yourself. The only condition is that you must link back to me as sender, and choose and link ideally, to seven other people to give up a little frivolous bit of info about themselves. It’s just a bit of fun and a gentle way of networking. Best wishes, Steph
Max on December 28th, 2007 8:02 pm
great stuff - cu
Ruby on January 6th, 2008 9:38 pm
Thanks Max
Hope to see you again soon
Ruby
Max on March 12th, 2008 3:33 am
omer’s Package : Life With Anxiety & Agoraphobia thanks for this post!
Max on May 22nd, 2008 2:26 am
Thanks for this post!

Feeling a Bit More Positive

2007-12-05T20:52:00.001+09:00

At the end of my last post I said I had to get to work, I couldn’t make it out of the house till 3 hours later I was in such a state, I was seriously wanting to quit work and lock myself away again, but I pushed through the few horrible hours. Once I got to work I was great, but the drive in was horrid.

But I am glad to say that I am feeling much better now, I kept slapping myself across the face (figuratively speaking - not that bad - yet) everytime I had a negative thought and made myself counteract it with a positive one. Now a week later it seems to have worked because I am not having as many negative self destructive thoughts. Work has even been enjoyable with no dramas driving in or home.

I haven’t had the chance to get to shops yet though as I had a busy weekend with friends from out of town staying Saturday night, and Sunday morning my gorgeous dog had four puppies, so all day Sunday I sat admiring them and their mum.

My daughter is home for a few days and hoping to get enough sleep in the morning to go shopping with her in the afternoon, I am really looking forward to spending some time with her as she arrived on Monday night and I had to head of to work so haven’t had much of chance to catch up.

I am at work, so I better get back to it.

Ruby

One Response to “Feeling a Bit More Positive”

coffeecup on December 6th, 2007 9:03 am
Gosh Ruby there’s so much going on there’s no time for you to feel anxious. Wonderful to hear that your getting through work so well and many congrats for the puppies! How you going to part with them? So cute when they’re little. Hope this positivity continues going on a roll and I’m very interested to hear about the benefits you get from the programme. Great to hear all this confidence!

Allergies Have Played Havoc This Week

2007-11-29T20:50:00.003+09:00

Well I have been getting a little bit better this week in that I have been into the corner store to grab a couple of things by myself, and even went into the post office to pick up a parcel I was waiting for, though I waited in the car till I could see there was no line there.
But I have been feeling really depressed this week, and the only thing I can put it down to is that I have gone backwards and I feel like I don’t have the energy to fight again

Even though I work at night, on my own, some of the day staff eat spicy lunches with msg in them. I had to leave work early on Tuesday and Wednesday night due the smell still being in the building. My supervisor has sent around another email to everyone to ask them to please be aware and to throw any left overs and the containers in the outside bin, which I really appreciate the support, but it is hard for people to understand unusual allergies and realise the seriousness of them, so I will see how we go with that one, I hope I am not forced to leave another job.

I was just sitting preparing myself to head off to work, and was feeling pretty confident and anxiety free about the drive in to work, when my son came home with a friend that I don’t know really well, and now I am feeling really anxious just because they were here for all of 2 minutes on their way out, I hate the way it just grips us like that.

Well I’d better head of or I will be late in, here is hoping that the smell is gone out of the building, as my work is really building up with leaving early the last two nights.

Allergies & Panic Attacks

2007-10-21T20:48:00.002+08:00

I mentioned in my last post that I have been having more panic attacks again. I have a theory, but who knows, everytime I think I know this illness something else comes along.

I have allergies to hot spices, msg and strong aromas, I have had this for about 10 years now. I don’t even have to eat these things, just smelling them sends me off. I have had to leave two jobs in the past where people ate spicy foods. The symptoms are that my mind goes totally blank and I gather any sort of thought, I get ‘prickly feeling’ skin from head to toe and in some cases I have to find a toilet immediately. The symptoms last for 4-8 hours depending on the severity, but find that it takes at least 24hrs to feel better.

But when I am having panic attacks as well, this allergy sets of a panic attack as some of the symptoms are very similar, and my nerves stay fragile for up to a week and make me more prone to panic attacks during this time.

I had been going really well for over a month and was really proud of myself for having moved forward so much, then two Saturdays ago a neighbour was smoking dope in his backyard, and I got an allergy attack, the worse one I have had in over 5 years, it go so bad that I ended up going to the hospital cause I thought my tounge was swelling up, and of course this sparked a severe panic attack as well so I was suffering a double whammy.

Once the hospital found out that I suffered with panic attacks, they didn’t take the allergy seriously. Which was no surprise to me, as I find hospitals never take mental health as a serious issue. Anyway they gave me something to subside the symptoms and sent me on my way.

I believe that because I had such a bad allergy attack my nerves are frazzled and I haven’t been able to go into a shop, post office etc since without having a major panic attack. I am fine at home and at work so that makes me think that the allergy caused it.

But regardless of where the panic attacks are coming from I can’t logically explain them away that way to myself, so I am trying to push myself a bit more each week to get back on top of things, but it is such a backward step after having started enjoying shopping after 18 months.
But many times I drive up to the shops and as I start getting out of the car I realise that I can’t go any further and go back home.

So thats where I am up to at the moment, I am trying to think positive, but its so hard at times.

Ruby

9 Responses to “Allergies & Panic Attacks”

Coffeecup on November 22nd, 2007 5:18 am
Ruby the things that you have achieved so far are phenominal. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re having a little set back (me too!). It does seem as though with this alergy that your brain automatically goes into panic mode if the symptoms are similar. Tomorrow is another day as they say. I do know how it feels to go ‘backwards’ when you think you have conquered something, but please try and remember the bigger picture and the overall progress, and don’t be too upset if you’re just not feeling capable at present. I really think this journey to wellness is such a roller coaster ride, that there will be downs, as well as ups to get to the end of it. I just wanted to send my empathy really, you sound exactly as I feel too at the moment, trying hard but being disappointed. I do hope it passes soon X
Ruby on November 22nd, 2007 7:54 am
Thanx for your nice supportive comments Coffeecup
Yes I agree with you about the spices, that it triggers a panic attack because I am so used to any mental variations being a panic attack.
Going backwards is never nice, I swap between being positive, seeing the bigger picture and wanting to crawl further into my self made cave. I am so glad that I enjoy my work or I would probably find a reason not go there either, even though I don’t work with people face to face (I couldn’t handle a busy office at the moment) I keep busy all night with their international customers via phone & email and I don’t have to get involved in the daytime office politics.
As terrible as setbacks are, it does make us stronger to face the next pitfall. I think your setback when your partner left must’ve been hell, when trying to deal with all the daily events of panic attacks…. you are doing great!!!
It certainly helps with all the support we get blogging and the chance to voice our emotions to people who understand, and want to listen.
Ruby
Robert on November 22nd, 2007 8:08 pm
I’m keeping my fingers crossed that you’re just experiencing a temporary blip. The fact that you’re still working is very encouraging, so I’m hopeful that other things will fall into place in due course.
Many agoraphobia sufferers have described how their capabilities fluctuate from day to day (Marie is no exception). No one seems to have an explanation.
I have allergies too. I get hay fever symptoms from time to time. Because I’m not allergic all he time, I don’t take anti-histamine tablets regularly. Do anti-histamines help you? There’s no obvious connections between attacks - with one exception - I’m more prone to them when sleep-deprived. Does this have any effect on you?
Apart from my ongoing experiences with Marie, one of my daughters (Jenna) was being treated for acute depression as well as panic/anxiety and all the problems associated with irritable bowel syndrome. Waiting for appointments in the British national health service is a constant problem, but this aside, both Jenna and Marie have always been treated very well by all health care professionals. (The one exceptions was an unwarranted outburst about Marie by a former family doctor.)
Btw, Jenna’s problems have been almost completely eradicated - although I’m aware that they could return at any time.
Best wishes
Ruby on November 24th, 2007 8:00 am
Hi Robert
Yes I hope its just temporaty as well, it really stings when you have a hard setback, but my poor son keeps coming with me to the shops, sometimes I have to leave and get him to go through the checkout, and other times I’m fine. I cope much better if I can park right outside the shop as opposed to going into a shopping centre, I hate shopping centres.
But even aside from this setback my abilites change from day to day as well, it makes it very hard to plan things, just have to take each day as it comes.
As for the allergies it doesn’t seem that other things affect them if there are strong spices around I get affected regardless of how I am feeling.
I’m glad you have had positive visits with the medical professionals, I find GP’s are good but its hospitals that have the problem from my experience.
I am so glad that Jenna is feeling better, thats great news.
The national medical health system here is terrible too, I had to wait over 6 months to get in, which just shows how badly mental health issues is affecting the public, its such a shame.
Ruby
Miss Vertigo on November 29th, 2007 5:38 pm
Hi,
New reader saying hello here, with PAs, anxiety, agora, and I just had to comment on this one.
What is it about having a mental health issue on your records that deems you a timewaster in an A&E department? Don’t you just want to scream at them - “Not everything in my life is caused by my anxiety!!” ?
This has happened to me on so many occasions it’s not even funny any more - the most notable being the double pneumonia that they dismissed as a panic attack because I made the stupid error of telling them I was having difficulty breathing. It took 41 degrees of mercury and some yakking up of blood for them to take me seriously… after which they hospitalised me for four days. That was a good one
It’s a big problem for us - I wish I had the answer.
Take care
MV
Ruby on November 29th, 2007 8:57 pm
Hi MV
I am glad you popped in and left a comment.
You poor thing, I know how you feel, it gets to the point that we have to hide our anxiety to even get taken seriously, I am glad to hear that they finally treated you for the right thing.
Unfortunately I can’t see an answer either, they just wipe us off anxiety ridden hyprochondiacs.
They took me seriously till they found out that I suffered panic attacks, the fact that I had suffered allergies for 8 years just didn’t matter any more, and they told me go as they needed the bed. Then they wrote a letter to my doctor saying the visit was just due to anxiety, which them made him doubt me, I am still not sure if he really believes me.
You have a great blog I will be reading more of it.
Ruby
coffeecup on December 4th, 2007 9:47 am
I am so angered by the appalling treatment that I have read about here! When my panics first started I was taken to A&E by ambulance and left in my smart work suit on the floor of the waiting room with people stepping over me until a friend rescued me and grabbed a nurse. Everyone deserves fair and caring attention regardless of the reason for being there, and ‘just a panic’ as you well know, can be horrifically frightening. Ironically I used to be one of those people who dragged themselves into work with the flu, and when I know I’m really ill I’m tough. Symptoms of anxiety are a different league altogther, and I think they bring in an element of continual fatigue and depression that makes them harder to fight?
Ruby on December 5th, 2007 4:11 am
I agree, its terrible treatment, and so much harder to take when you can’t think rationally or fight back.
We had a incident here at a metropolitan hospital where a lady had a miscarriage in the hospital toilets cause no one would take her seriously and get a doctor to see her. Its right across the board unfortunately.
coffeecup on December 8th, 2007 1:12 am
Oh my word!

Finally Got Back Here

2007-10-13T20:47:00.001+08:00

Its been a busy month trying to get accustomed to working 5 nights a week. When I first started this job I was employed to do 3 night shift per week, the person I would be job sharing with was ill when I started so I offered to cover all 5 shifts till she returned. She has now decided not to return and I said I couldn’t keep doing all shifts, so I have cut it down to 4 shifts till they find another person to job share with.

This week is the first week that I have only done 4 shifts, and I am really glad that I made that decision as I was finding I was spending all weekend recovering and preparing for the next week and was not getting any time to myself.

I started having panic attacks again in the last couple of weeks, which is, I assume, because of working to many night shifts. I still don’t have a regular sleeping pattern but I am now getting enough sleep each day. I wasn’t using my coping skills at first but then started doing relaxation exercises before going to sleep to ensure a sound sleep.

I am still aware that working at nights on my own is not helping me getting back out into the community, so I need to look at doing something on my days off to get some interaction with people, besides my son and his friends.

I only get paid monthly which has been a bit of a culture shock, but it has been nice to get large amounts of money in my bank after being on government payments for over a year. I have repainted my feature walls and bought things that I have wanted for a while, like kitchenware and presents for family.

I will be back more regularly now that I have my work and sleeping pattern worked out.

Ruby

4 Responses to “Finally Got Back Here”

Robert on November 15th, 2007 9:10 am
You have been in my thoughts in the past weeks, Ruby. Your news is a bit of a mixed bag - coping quite well with work, but having some panic attacks again…
However, your post is quite upbeat, I’m pleased to see.
Nice to see you post again!
Coffeecup on November 17th, 2007 11:20 pm
Dear Ruby, I am so pleased that you left a comment on ‘My Wife Has Agoraphobia’ as it lead me to your page. How fantastic that you are out there in the work place! I empathise entirely with what you say about getting out into the community. I am really looking forward to reading all your posts and catching up on events.
Wishing you well and happiness.
Ruby on November 21st, 2007 6:53 pm
Thanks for your thoughts Robert, it so great to have people out there that are thinking of me even with me not having posted for a while. You and Marie are always in my thoughts, with how you are going, and moving forward.
Nice to meet you Coffeecup :)I’m glad that you posted here, we all have to share together and support each others efforts in getting well. I too will be reading up on your journey. Yes the community!! such a scary move, but baby steps and positive thinking (on some days anyway :)).
Ruby
Robert on November 21st, 2007 8:01 pm
Yes, you’re always in my thoughts, too, Ruby. And I keep Marie updated on your progress. Somehow, I don’t quite understand it, we feel connected to you and your situation. Thanks for taking an interest in us!
It’s REALLY important that people know that there IS hope when they feel that there is none, so your blog (and other similar ones) is, imho, very important.

Second Week of Work

2007-10-05T20:45:00.000+08:00

My job is going great. I was a bit hard changing my sleeping patterns again after working a week of days and then starting nights straight away. I think I have a routine going now, I stay up till around 10-12am then sleep till around 6-8, so I get a chance to get to the shops, pay bills or make phone calls and get to spend some time with Rory before heading off to work at night.

Things are starting to fall into place with my role at work and I’m starting to feel more confident, which is a good thing as I will be working on my own from Monday. Its a bit scary to know that I wont have anyone to ask if something different comes up (which it will) but I will just have to email them and get the answer the following night.

I haven’t had any issues with agoraphobia or anxiety since I started, which of course I am really pleased with It is much better working nights where I don’t have to deal with people face to face, and I am looking forward to starting on my own. The other great things is that I don’t have to deal with peak hour traffic any more which is always a plus.

One Response to “Second Week of Work”

Robert on October 8th, 2007 7:32 pm
Ruby, I’m really pleased that things seem to be going well for you.

Sickness Benefit

2007-10-04T20:44:00.002+08:00

I got a call today from Centrelink to say that if I wanted to receive any further unemployment/sickness benefit I would have to do another mental health assessment with them.

I am so glad that I have this job now so I don’t have to worry about telling them all the ins and outs of my life any more, and report to them every couple of months with updates from the doctor. I realise that they require all this but it is such an invasion of privacy.

I Have Got a Job

2007-09-29T20:41:00.004+08:00

Its been a busy couple of weeks. I had Rory’s 18th and then we went out of town to see Mum and Dad.

I applied for a job last Thursday and they called Friday and asked me start on Monday. It is working the graveyard shifts 11pm - 7am with a engineering training company and I will be doing the administration for their overseas offices, hence the graveyard shifts, because of the time difference.

When I saw it advertised I thought it would be perfect for me since I don’t sleep well through the nights anyway and I will be working on my own so I don’t have to worry about being overwhelmed with other people around all the time. Yes I know this is a type of avoidance :).

This week I have been doing training during the days, and I must say I was surprised how well I handled it. But I didn’t really have time to focus on my feelings as my brain was pretty fried every day with all the information I had to take in. It made it so much harder knowing that I really had to learn it properly within a short time as I wont have anyone to ask once I start on my own. On Monday I do further training on the night shift for another week, and then I am on my own.

So this weekend I am getting my sleeping patterns into gear for my work times and hopefully be prepared for Monday night, I am sure it will take the first week to work out how I will sleep. Not sure if I will sleep straight after I finish work at 7am or stay up till 12 or 1 and then sleep till around 9pm. I’m sure my body will decide which is best for it.

Ruby

2 Responses to “I Have Got a Job”

Robert on October 4th, 2007 7:33 pm
I was starting to get worried about you - no posts for almost 2 weeks!
But now you have posted your good news, I’m sooooo relieved.
Congratulations!
Ruby on October 4th, 2007 9:16 pm
Thank you for your concern Robert, its nice to know someone misses me once I get into more of a routine I should be able to get back to more regular posting again.

Doctor & Psychologist

2007-09-16T20:38:00.003+08:00

I have finally found a new doctor after one year of wanting to. It is such a relief to have made that move and to see a doctor who is actually proactive in assisting me in getting better. I have only had the need to see him a couple of times so far but I am very happy with his service.

I saw my psychologist for the last time two weeks ago, because of the mental health back log in Australia I was only to get ten visits but was lucky enough (or sick enough) to get fifteen. It was definitely a great help seeing her for this time, but feel I still have a long way to go before I am back to normal (whatever normal is…).

I am now having problems with social situations since I haven’t been in any for a year and a half now, so I am hoping that practice will heal that one, but I am not jumping in trying to get out there either. I am still happy just staying at home, not because of the agoraphobia but because I have no tolerance for people now. I have rejoined the GROW group on Mondays which was great to get back to again, and I am looking into other social groups that I can go to, but I haven’t found one that interests me yet. Now that I have my own transport I want to attempt to catch up with family again, that all live out of the city. I have lost touch with so many people since all this started this time around, I am in two minds if their friendships were even worth anything in the first place since they haven’t made effort to contact me. I understand that some have their own issues with mental health, and others believe that I need to time to myself to get better, but I believe personally that it is fear that keeps people away as they don’t really understand what agoraphobia means.

My sleeping pattern is getting a bit better, I am generally sleeping between 5-6 hours a night, but because I need a good 8-9 hours to feel human, I am still having a nanna nap in the afternoons, but at least there is some sort of routine now rather than really erratic like it was before.

Well there is a break in the rain, so I am taking my dog for a nice walk.

Ruby

4 Responses to “Doctor & Psychologist”

Aff on September 18th, 2007 3:31 am
Just a quick note to say thanks for the link. I’ve linked you back and bookmarked the site.
I’ll definitely be back
Ruby on September 19th, 2007 1:00 pm
Hi Aff
Thanks for coming by, see you soon
Ruby
Robert on September 19th, 2007 7:33 pm
Marie makes friends easily, but once they find out that there are many activities that she can’t share with them, most let the friendship lapse.
However, a few have stuck by her. Quality is better than quantity!
I’m sure that your approach to socialising is the correct one, and it will pay off in due course. Visiting family, even if they haven’t been keeping in touch as much as they could have, will help you hone your smalltalk and chitchat skills!
Ruby on September 21st, 2007 1:40 am
Hi Robert,
I don’t have problems making friends, but I hate making smalltalk and chitchat it bores me to tears. I am sure I should have been a man as I believe that if you haven’t got anything real to say then say nothing…lol, which is probably why most women don’t hang around, cause I am just not a woman
I would rather sit round a table with blokes than women any time. But I agree with what your saying that you have to practice social skills to keep them up to scratch and there is an art to it for sure.

Finally Back

2007-09-14T20:37:00.002+08:00

There have been a few things happening since I was on last. Chloe left last week for her work, and not sure when I will be seeing her next, thank goodness for phones as I speak to her every couple of days. Rory took holidays to spend his 18th birthday with his old school friends and his dad and he has been gone for a week and will be back in another 3 days. It has been lovely to have the place to myself and have peace and quiet.

Chloe gave me her old car and she bought a brand new one, and it feels great to have my own transport now, so I am going to get stuck into finding some part time work without having to worry about transport.

I have been trying to get into a routine of taking my dog for a walk every couple of days, and have been doing pretty well so far, but the rain has come back and is staying for a few days so there wont be any walks till the sun comes back out. Apart from this I haven’t done many outings besides the shops etc.

Well finally got the keyboard for my laptop, sort of anyway. I bought it of eBay and when I got it I realised that this model keyboard can be secured by 3 or 4 screws, and mine is by 3 and the one that I bought was by 4. After contacting the seller numerous times to inquire about replacing or returning the item without any reply, out of frustration I finally ripped the screws off and now the keyboard is just sitting in the laptop unsecured. eBay is great for some things but I think I have to be more careful in future.

Reality Apart From Agoraphobia

2007-09-03T20:36:00.003+08:00

While I have been sick, I have had a lot of time to ponder on this question. I haven’t been able to put any of my skills into practice besides the shops for weekly groceries during this time, but I have come to some conclusions about my illness.

Knowing that I have had agoraphobia to some degree for most of my life, it is very hard to see what is agoraphobia and what is a personality that has formed over the years. And like all personalities they are formed from trials and tribulations including having agoraphobia for over 20 years without being aware of it.

I have never really been a social or extrovert person, I have always preferred just a few friends and going out only with one other person, if I want to have a good time, otherwise I feel too self conscious and I don’t enjoy the outing at all and I have never enjoyed going anywhere by myself besides work and shopping etc., and have always been a bit of a homebody and really enjoy my own company.

So now I feel pressured that I have to start doing things that I would never have gone out of my way to do before, because I am supposed to be on the better side of overcoming agoraphobia.
But I have decided that I am happy being me, albeit socially stunted, and I don’t want a new personality that isn’t me. I am happy to just know that I am able to do things if I choose to and not having to go out and practice them every week.

Now I am sure that some will say that if I don’t put my skills into practice regularly then I am just using my avoidance behaviour, but I don’t believe this is true, its just a personal choice, because I have no interest in being a social butterfly or going on regular outings.

So that is the conclusion I have come to, I know I still have a way to go before I am free of agoraphobia, but I am definitely on the right path, and my next step is to find a club or group where I can start meeting people of the opposite sex as I have been on my own for nearly ten years now and would like some companionship and the occasional dinner.

Ruby

2 Responses to “Reality Apart From Agoraphobia”

Robert on September 7th, 2007 11:32 am

Hi there Ruby!
Glad to hear that you’re doing well. Long may it continue!
Robert
Ruby on September 14th, 2007 10:37 pm

Yes well, sort of anyway, I don’t feel that the agoraphobia is restricting me as much as it used to do, but I feel I still have a long way to go. Depression, being out of the social circle and trying to work out what sort of employment I should try to get into now where I wont feel overwhelmed. But it will all sort it self out in time.

I’m Back From Illness

2007-09-01T20:35:00.001+08:00

I finally feel better, this has been a horrible flu, being really sick for two weeks, then still coughing continuously for another week, and now coughing only around 20 times a day which doesn’t cause pulled muscles. This flu has gone around the whole country and is the regarded the worst ever, and I’m not surprised, its been horrid and I hope this is it for me for flu’s this year. Chloe is finally not coughing any more, and Rory still coughing occasionally and he had it before me.

I have bought a keyboard for my laptop on eBay, but still haven’t received it, it better be here next week as its driving me crazy carting around an external keyboard everywhere.

My Laptop

2007-08-24T01:27:00.001+08:00

Can’t believe I have been so sick for nearly two weeks now, and only managing the most of 3 hours sleep between coughing fits.

Went to the docs on Monday and got some antibiotics, which have started to kick in. I’m not feeling so tired and lethargic any more, but the cough is still there and probably will be for at least another week.

Since I have been so sick and not spending much time on the puter I decided that I would clean my laptop keyboard thoroughly. So I took of all the keys and cleaned it properly, then 5 hours later I still had only got about a dozen keys on (sort of). I have done this on my desktop keyboard and it works fine. So I started looking through forums for solutions, I should have read these first as the gist of all of them was - DON’T DO IT…EVER, I wish I had read them first. So I know have had to order another keyboard insert and have to wait for it to arrive by mail.

My laptop is not so portable any more as I have to have a external keyboard plugged into it. I have been so spoilt having wireless broadband and being able to use my laptop anywhere in the house or garden, now I’m stuck at my desk.

So for any of you out there with a laptop and you have stray food etc under the keys, just use the vacuum cleaner, its a much cheaper option.

Ruby

2 Responses to “My Laptop”

Robert on September 7th, 2007 11:29 am

My cat ripped off about half of the keys of my laptop, but luckily after much time & effort I was able to put them back on again.
Then my toddler daughter decided to have a go and took most of them off before being discovered. This time not so lucky - 8 keys wouldn’t go on at all, and one more on but not quite right. Later I was able to reorganise my keyboard parts and now have all the keys I regularly use working ok.
Marie was not so lucky - my toddler daughter spilled her orange juice on her laptop. Now you can press one key and get a totally different letter/number on the screen! She has been using a USB keyboard until recently when desperation forced her to take it to the repair shop. It’s still there and now she’s monopolising MY laptop!
So your advice is too late for me!!
Robert
Ruby on September 14th, 2007 10:34 pm

Yes we all learn by our mistakes….ooops
well mine is finally fixed, I got sick of dragging the USB keyboard around with me, so I didn’t use it all, I must be too spoilt by technology or something

Chloe Is Off Again

2007-08-20T01:26:00.003+08:00

Chloe got accepted for a country position she has always wanted, and very difficult to get in to. I am so pleased for her that she is moving the way she planned in her career.

But I am selfishly disappointed to see her go, I have really enjoyed having her in town for these past few months, and thought that with her permanent position in the city, she would settle here, but her eye was on her goal and she got it. Rory will also miss her terribly, as they get along so well, and have lots of fun together.

But we can go and visit (not too often though as it is 2500km away), and I don’t fly, so it will have to be a long trip with the drive there and back.
Hopefully she will get flown back occasionally for work and we can catch up then.

I am really proud of her getting to where she wanted to be, and at such a young age.

On the Mend

2007-08-18T01:25:00.001+08:00

I have had a hellish few days with this flu, it doesn’t help that 5 children and 2 adults have died from it in the past month, so it was quiet stressful as well.

I am still not 100% but not in bed 24/7 now, which is a great relief. Actually got up and did some housework and a few loads of washing today. So I will still take it easy for the next few days, but at least I have the energy to do a few things now.

Ruby

One Response to “On the Mend”

Robert on August 23rd, 2007 12:33 pm
Glad to learn that you’re feeling better!
Robert

Sick With The Flu

2007-08-16T01:24:00.001+08:00

My mobile phone is broken, it has been playing up for a while not receiving text messages and missed call alerts randomly, now it has gotten much worse. I am not a big user mainly so the kids can reach me, but it is now being missed that I can only receive and make calls which as we all know costs a lot more than texting. Not that the kids notice it much as they use their mobiles as an extension of their arms anyway

Chloe is just getting over her flu and chest infection after three weeks, she has been so sick poor girl, but is finally getting better.
Then Rory started having a sore throat and getting a chest infection a few days ago.
Now I am the lucky owner of it. I hate the flu, but what I hate even more is the non-stop coughing which continuously wakes me during the night, its like I’m sleeping in blocks of between 2-4 hours, so for now I’m just going to concentrate on getting better.

I was going to restart attending the GROW group on Monday now that they have relocated, I spoke to them on Sunday to advice that I would be there in the morning but that didn’t happen with the onset of the flu.

On the bright side Rory has bought his first car, and he is proud as punch, all he needs to do now is to sit for his license so he can drive it on his own.

Feeling Depressed Still

2007-08-12T01:23:00.002+08:00

I can’t believe how depressed I have been feeling lately, its weird because there doesn’t seem to be a reason for it though I know there has to be, just cant put my finger on it. I have been teary all day today, and that is definitely not like me, the poor kids have copped it all day, but I figure I owe them a bit of misery

The weather is going to start fining up soon (they say) so I’ll be able to get outside a bit, it’s terrible when it rains non stop for weeks on end. I think that the rain has a lot to do with how I’m feeling and the ongoing insomnia probably hasn’t helped either.

So the plan is to wake up tomorrow in a brighter mood and take the dog for a walk.

Ruby

2 Responses to “Feeling Depressed Still”

Robert on August 23rd, 2007 12:30 pm

Dear Ruby,
The weather affects how we ALL feel, so don’t worry about your current mood!
Robert
Ruby on August 24th, 2007 1:38 pm

Thanks, still feel like shite but that’s due to the flu now, hopefully when I’m better I will get back on track again.

Univeristy

2007-08-11T01:21:00.003+08:00

I found this university site where you can do external studies through various Australian Uni’s and spent hours looking through all the computer study options and finally decided on BA of Internet Studies. I phoned up to enrol and they have changed the HECS fees applications so that permanent residents can’t apply for it any more so I have to organise to become a citizen. I applied for HECS a few years ago and there were no restrictions for me then. I got so angry at first that they will support people from other countries that have a study visa, but not for a resident that has a permanent visa makes no sense to me, so I figure they must make more money of people who don’t live in the country. So now I have to wait till next year to enrol….hmmm

I was really disappointed as I was looking forward to getting my teeth into something, but I also believe that everything happens for a reason so I will apply for my citizenship and reapply after that. I also realised that I have been lucky that I haven’t been affected in the last 36 years by not being a citizen.

So now I am going to go through all the practical skills in previous computer courses that I have done to make sure I am up to speed on everything. There is so much that I don’t use on a daily basis that I want to refresh my memory.

So now I have a purpose and something to work towards and that is a really great feeling.

Ruby

2 Responses to “Univeristy”

Robert on August 23rd, 2007 12:29 pm

Ruby-
It’s really unfortunate about the uni. But as we all know, life is unfair…
Btw, what is your original nationality & why did you come to Oz?
Just being nosy!
Robert
Ruby on August 24th, 2007 1:36 pm

Yes that life is…. but I will look into it again next year.
I came from North Europe, and my family migrated here when I was 10, so no choice on my part, though I love it here.

Chores Lists

2007-08-07T01:02:00.017+08:00

I am a bit of an organisational nut, and like a place for everything or it drives me crazy, so I have made up some lists to pick one each day to do house and garden chores as well as pleasant things so we don’t forget about ourselves to do on an ongoing basis to keep things up to date as I find that I am not as motivated as I used to be due to the depression and agoraphobia and this keeps me on track.

Everyday Tasks
Pick a project. Each day, do an organizing project that will take a mere 10 minutes or less. Some possibilities are weeding-out a junk drawer or file folder, deleting 10 email messages you don't need, writing-out a bill or two, or cleaning up some of the clutter that's on your bedroom dresser surface.

Measure where you are. Setting goals is great, and definitely something you should do. Each day, check your list of goals to determine how far you've gotten. Mark % next to each goal, such as Goal 1, 10% completed, or Goal 2, 50% completed. Numerical goals are more concrete.

Allocate YOU time. Every day, you should have YOU time scheduled on your calendar. Time you spend on yourself, doing something you truly enjoy doing. Keep this appointment with yourself, just as you would any other important appointment.

Do something on tomorrow's to-do list. Use 15 minutes each night to start and/or complete something you have listed on tomorrow's to-do list. When tomorrow arrives, you'll already be ahead of schedule.

Stop paper before it starts. Open your mail over the recycle container and immediately dump all junk before it ever has a chance to hit your kitchen table.

Take notes and make lists. The average person has too much to remember on a daily basis to remember it all without writing it down.

Take a moment to think. Each time you're asked to do something force yourself to say, 'I'll have to check my schedule and get back to you. You'll have a little bit of time to determine if this is something you truly want to do or if it fits into your schedule. Then be strong with yourself and them whether it’s a yes or no.

Don't wait until later. Don't wait for something to get completely out of hand before you begin focusing on it. File papers on a daily basis and put your outerwear into the coat closet rather than first tossing it over a chair.

Personal Tasks
Evaluate the goals you set at the beginning of the month to check your progress. If you've completed all of them, set three new ones.

Be sure you have YOU time scheduled on your calendar every single day this month--at least 30 minutes or more to do something you really love to do.

Take the day off and do absolutely nothing. No fooling!

Pamper yourself with a pedicure

Try a new haircut, trendy nail polish colour. If you like it, then great. If not, that's OK--no permanent harm done and at least you can say you gave it a whirl.

Pay someone a compliment today

Remember that it is OK to say 'No' sometimes

Do something fun with someone you love, and while you're at it, do something nice for yourself.

Go to a dancing or exercise class

Learn Feng Shui

Write a letter to a relative who lives out-of-state. It's always fun to receive a letter, versus a bill, in the mail.

Say 'thanks, but I can't make it' to the next invitation you get that you don't want to attend.

Look up an old friend you haven't communicated with in awhile. Call or write a letter to catch up.

Call a friend who you haven’t talked to in a while. Tell them you miss them.

Sign up for something that will keep you healthy, such as water aerobics, a walking club, tennis or badminton lessons

Write a letter to someone you had a falling out with a while ago and try to make amends.

Call at least one person you've been meaning to call for months.

If you can't remember the last time you purchased a new outfit, treat yourself with one this month.

Exercise your mind by memorizing all the words of a song you enjoy

Reconsider renewing your subscription if you're already overextended in your reading goals.

Go to the beach and read a book.

Keep a journal of the fun things done on these lists.

Dance to favourite music.

Have a long candlelit bath.

Take your dog for a walk.

Get tickets to go see a professional sports game.

Go bowling with a group of your friends.

Go bird watching around your neighbourhood.

Go to a theatre, play, concert or a movie.

Go to the races or dogs.

Go to a museum, a historic building like an old church maybe, the library or the observatory

Play board game, do a crossword or a jigsaw.

Learn a language that you have been wanting to

Learn how to decoupage, so you can make your own pretty organizing containers for storage

Go to a garden park and have a picnic, collect things for craft while you are there maybe spray with hairspray and make a display.

Do a craft like basketry, redoing antiques, pottery, candle making or quilting.

Do something fun you haven't done in awhile, such as bowling, miniature golf or roller-skating

Go for a country drive to or take a bus tour

Cleaning Tasks
Thoroughly clean one of your appliances, such as your blender, food processor or indoor grill.

Dust off all of the picture frames and artwork in your home

Toss any old bed sheets and pillowcases, and buy your self a new set or two.

Is there a space between your kitchen cabinets and your ceiling? If so, dust that surface off with a feather duster.

Organize two dresser drawers, eliminating anything that no longer fits. And give to charity, family or friends

Clean out the drawers in your refrigerator. Completely empty them out, wipe them down thoroughly.

Iron clothing that need to be ironed before you wear them. Hang them in your closet.

Clean the tile grout in your bathroom and kitchen. Re-grouting if necessary.

Change any light bulbs that have burned out weeks ago, but you've never gotten around to doing.

Deep clean your shower and make it sparkle

Replace any old bath towels, with fresh new ones. Use the old ones for cleaning purposes.

Start making a 'spring cleaning' list of chores you want done around the house. When spring arrives, you'll be all set to begin.

Which room is most disorganized? Concentrate on clearing that one room only for the next few weeks. By the end of the month, it will be your most organized in the house

Clean under your refrigerator, oven and any other large appliances if possible.

Toss any food in your refrigerator that is past the expiration date.

Empty your cutlery trays and wipe them clean. If they're dishwasher safe, just toss them in on the next cycle.

Weed out clothes that no longer fit, so you have room for a new outfit or two, and donate them all to charity, family or friends

Dust and clean any framed art. (Important Note: Don't spray cleanser or water onto the glass. Instead, dampen a cloth to wipe the glass and the frames.)

Make a list of any outside repair work that needs to be done. Then, make an appointment with yourself, your spouse or a local contractor to fix at least one

Scrub down the toilet, including under the rim and the base. More than one bathroom? Ask your spouse or one of the kids to scrub down the other toilet.

Do a small 'outdoor' repair you've been meaning to get to.

Dust off all the windowsills in your home and office.

Clean all of your windows, inside and out.
Or, glance in your local Yellow Pages and find a professional window cleaner to do the job for you.

Catch up on ironing. Invest an hour or two, it will be worth it to have everything in your closet ready to be worn

Clean your closet from top to bottom. Empty it out completely. Give to charity. Wrap rubber bands around each end of your hangers to prevent strappy items slipping off.

Weed out your pantry. Donate any unopened, non-perishable foods that you never plan to eat to a local food bank

Get rid of any crayon marks, scuff marks, and soap scum in a jiffy.

Turn your mattress over or rotate it to prevent compression. If you have a no turn mattress, then take off the bedding and just let it air out all day.

Drag all of your garbage bins into your driveway and clean them well. Since you can use the garden hose, it's a much easier task when done outdoors.

Clean out your oven. Use a fume free oven cleaner.

Leftover candle wax in your glass candle holders? Try putting them in your freezer for a few hours. When you remove them, you should be able to pop the wax right out.

Organisational Tasks

Peruse your bookshelves and bring any unwanted reads over to a charity

Are you meeting your goals as planned? Make changes now.

Evaluate your eating habits. Are you mostly eating healthy

Organize your tools—in boxes or boards

Cosmetics only last one year. Look through your current lot & throw out any old one

Put a small notebook and pen by each phone.

Plow through a box of old paperwork at the office or

Recycle old magazines.

Gather all the umbrellas in your hang them on hooks, store one in the car.

Get pre-printed address labels to use for your mail or make them on your PC

Go through your cookbooks and give away to charity.

Add some hand lotion near your sink it will encourage you

Update the address book on your cell & home phone.
Print out any photos you wish to place in albums, photo boxes or scrapbooks.
Take an inventory of your home office supplies and replenish any that are running low

Free up space on your PC, by deleting files you don’t need

Update your resume' if you haven't done so in awhile.

Take an inventory of next seasons clothes. You'll know whether you have enough for the season

Fill a small pouch to put batteries in. Next time you'll have a replacement in a jiffy.

Do you have small gifts in the house. Store them together, and check this stock before you buy your next gift.

Are you behind in reading your mail? Set aside time today to catch up

Set a timer and spend 60 minutes weeding out your filing cabinet.

Add a few glass shelves to your bathroom wall

Fill a pretty vase with artificial flowers. When you get fresh flowers, just swap

Use a spiral notebook, to jot down any titbits or web sites you'd like to visit.

When organizing the kitchen, don’t forget the back doors. There are organizers to store rolls of wrap and container lids.

Defrag your computer. If it is not on your schedule, try to defrag your computer once a month.

Organize all of your shoes onto a shoe rack or into shoe cubbies.

Update your spice collection. Toss all those that are beyond their expiration dates. Purchase fresh spices as needed.

Refill any empty toilet paper rolls, tape dispensers, cereal containers, paper towel rolls and anything else that needs refilling.

Paint your garden tools in bright colours so they'll be easy to spot when you put them down.

Get rid of those frayed, spent towels and replace them with fresh, new ones.

Take some family photos, if you haven't in awhile. Print and insert them into an album or scrapbook.

Do some early Christmas shopping

Buy a few generic gifts – candles, gift vouchers, hand lotion, kids' games and. You will have them ready.

Stock up on any necessities you're running out of, such as toilet paper, tissues or batteries.

Taking a vacation? Use the Internet to begin researching destinations, attractions and so on.

Go shopping for an organizing tool, such as a container with compartments or some shelves.

Try to learn at least one new thing each day. Buy yourself a notebook and jot down your findings.

Have a notebook for restaurants you've visited. Keep name, phone,

If you plan to walk, get yourself a good pair of sneakers.

Get a tote bag. Add articles or business publications. Take it when you leave and read during waiting times,

Learn something you have been meaning to, and look it up on the Internet at the library.

Try to learn at least one new thing each day. Buy yourself a notebook and jot down your findings.

Make daily activity logs each day for a week to see where you are spending/ wasting your time.

Miscellaneous Tasks

Create a list of 21 favourite meals,

Think of someone, that you'd like to invite over for dinner.

Organize an 'appetizers and beverages' outing with your friends.

Visit a local farmer’s market and check out all the fruits and vegies in season.

Did you know that peppermint is diffused in offices in Japan to help keep workers alert?

Plant dill and parsley in your garden or container garden. You'll attract lots of butterflies.

Fill up the bird feeders to attract feathered-friends to your yard.

Read the local newspaper to find what's going on in your town

Watch one of the movies in your video/DVD collection, even if you've seen it before.

Do gardening or work in the back yard.

Do something fun, such as a family picnic in the living room, a games night or family karaoke.

Try something new you've never done before, such as making your own piecrust or crocheting a scarf

Come up with an emergency escape plan for your house. Have drills quarterly.

Paint one room in your home that could use a makeover.

Try something new, such as going line dancing.

Declaring a game night each month. Have each family member write his or her game choice on an index card. Then draw one each month.

Take your pet(s) in for checkups and/or grooming.

Bring your car in for an oil change and a maintenance check.

Volunteer to do something for a friend, at your church or for your favourite charity

Did you know that under inflated tires waste more than two million gallons of gasoline a day? Check your tyres

Visit your local garden shop for seeds or starter plants.

Make an appointment for each member of your family for an annual doctor's check up.

2 Responses to “Chores”

Sarah on August 7th, 2007 6:24 pm
Hello..
I am LOVING this post, its absolutely fantastic!
All i need now is a big stick of dynamite up my backside to get me moving…
Have a good day,
Sarah♥
Ruby on August 7th, 2007 9:01 pm
Hi Sarah
I’m really glad you got something out of it, it is really helping me at the moment - hope you find some dynamite

House Recipes

2007-08-07T00:48:00.002+08:00

I try to stay away from chemical cleaners and have added some recipes below to non chemical cleaners and most of them work better that bought ones as well.

Products

Bicarbonate Of Soda
It softens water to increase the suds and cleaning power of soap and is a good scouring powder

Borax
Cleans and deodorises, is an excellent disinfectant and softens water

Vinegar
Cuts grease and freshens

Eucalyptus
For stains of unknown origin, or stains which have dried, try a dab of eucalyptus oil. Eucalyptus is also good for removing some glue stains, chewing gum residue and sticky substances.

Cloudy Ammonia
Cuts heavy grease and grime but it can be dangerous. Fumes irritate eyes and lungs and can be harmful to people with respiratory problems. Use ammonia only when other cleaners won’t do the trick, and always provide good ventilation. NEVER!! mix ammonia with bleach. Highly toxic fumes can form

Kitchen

Dishwashing
Rinsing dishes before food residue hardens makes cleaning them easier and uses less detergent. Add vinegar for really tough, baked-on grease. I add vinegar straight into my dishwashing liquid as it leaves dishes squeaky clean

Burnt Pots And Pans
Coat the area with a thick paste of bicarb and water and leave for several hours before washing. If its only mildly burnt you can boil water and bicarb in the pan for 5 mins before cleaning off
Or
Put half an inch of vinegar in the bottom of it then put it in the freezer. Once the vinegar has frozen, let it thaw and sprinkle it with bicarbonate soda. When the liquid starts fizzing rub it with a brush and the stain will come out. You can do the same without freezing but it will probably take a couple of applications. The same trick works for baked on grease.

Cutting Boards – To Remove Smells
Pour a little vinegar over the cutting board. Let it set for a minute or two, then wipe and rinse. Alternatively use mouthwash or toothpaste as a deodoriser.

Cleaning Air Filters And Fridge Shelves
Submerse in a mixture of water, soap and vinegar and let soak for a few hours then clean off and rinse with hot water

Ovens
Prevent baked-on grease: scrape up spills as soon as they’re cold enough to handle.
Keep a baking tray on the bottom rack to catch drips and spills
When accidents happen, combine a strong version of our Heavy Duty Cleanser 1
Wear gloves when scrubbing to protect your hands.

Oven Racks
Get a large enough rubbish bag and put in a mix of warm water, detergent and a cup of Cloudy Ammonia (Wear gloves and do this in a well ventilated area or outdoors) Put the racks in the bag and close up and leave for a few hours. Clean them off and rinse with hot water.

Prevent Smelly Bins
Sprinkle 1/4 cup each of borax and bicarbonate of soda into the bottom of the empty bin.

Basins
Unpleasant odours may be dealt with by placing 1/2-cup baking soda in the sink followed by 1 cup of vinegar. Let it foam and bubble, then run hot water for at least 30 seconds or longer. Vinegar is used to kill bacteria causing bad smells.
If you have two sinks, plug one side before commencing the procedure. Also try this method if a clog happens.

Tiles
Wipe or spray vinegar onto the mould, leave overnight and scrub in the morning.

Sticky Labels
Use eucalyptus oil to help remove stubborn labels and label residue from your glassware. Simply rub on, leave for a short time and should come off easily.

Bathroom & Toilet

Use a firm bristled brush with bicarb and hot water as alternative.
It cleans and deodorises.

Basins And Bathtubs
Unpleasant odours may be dealt with by placing 1/2-cup baking soda in the sink followed by 1 cup of vinegar. Let it foam and bubble, then run hot water for at least 30 seconds or longer. Vinegar is used to kill bacteria causing bad smells.
If you have two sinks, plug one side before commencing the procedure. Also try this method if a clog happens.

Tiles
Wipe or spray vinegar onto the mould, leave overnight and scrub in the morning.

Mirrors
For routine cleaning, use 3 tablespoons of vinegar in 1 litre of warm water.
To dry surfaces, use cheesecloth or crumpled newspaper.

Toilet
Try a strong solution of vinegar.
Apply a thick paste of borax and lemon juice to stubborn areas. Leave for several hours.

Laundry

Rub soiled clothes with liquid soap.

Bleach - Use ½ cup borax per wash to whiten and brighten colours

Fabrics Softener - Add ½ cup vinegar or ¼ cup bicarb during final rinse.

Static Cling - To reduce static cling in tumble-dried synthetics like rayon or polyesters, dampen hands when folding.

Dry-Cleaning - Try to buy items that don’t require dry-cleaning. Many garments labelled “dry clean only” can be safely hand-washed using mild soap to avoid dry-cleaning solvents that are toxic

Deodorant Stains On Fabric
Make a paste out of Napisan Plus to the consistency of peanut butter. Rub it onto the stains and leave for 15-20 minutes then throw in the washing machine without rinsing the mixture off

Grease On Fabric
Apply a little baby oil to the stain with a cotton ball, rubbing in circles. Then soak in Napisan and hot water before washing as usual.

Washing Machine
Clean throughout including hosing by ½ filling with hot water and placing 2 Dishwasher tablets in and run through the cycle.

Windows

For routine cleaning, use 3 tablespoons of vinegar in 1 litre of warm water. To dry surfaces, use reusable cheesecloth or crumpled newspaper. If the glass is especially dirty, first wash with warm soapy water.

Carpets & Furniture

Carpet
When buying carpet, choose natural materials such as cotton and wool over synthetics.
Buy rugs and carpets that haven’t been treated with insecticides and fungicides.
When rugs are cleaned, make sure no pesticides are used.
Avoid commercial products containing chlorine, formaldehyde and solvents such as trichloroethylene, methylene and nitrobenzene
To thoroughly clean and deodorise carpets, mix 2 parts corn meal (Polenta) with 1 part borax. Sprinkle liberally; leave one hour and then vacuum.
Quick deodorising is easy - sprinkle the carpet with bicarb then vacuum.

Dogs Urine Smell In Carpet
Remove the smell of dog urine from carpet by sprinkling a 500g packet of bicarb soda over the spot. If a very large area, use 2 packets and sprinkle thickly over area. Leave for 24 hrs before vacuuming up.

Furniture That Dogs Sits On
Use Bran and Vinegar. Mix about a cup of unprocessed wheat bran in a bowl with a little vinegar to the consistency of brown sugar and add a couple of drops of lavender. The mixture must not be wet. Sweep the mixture back and forth across the surface you want to clean and the dirt comes away.

Pests

Ants
There are two main kinds of ants; one is attracted to proteins and the other to sugars.
To find out which you have put out some Parmesan cheese and some icing sugar. If the ants go for the cheese then they like protein and fats; and if they attack the sugar then they like sugar. Mix whichever is the preferred food half and half with borax and leave out where their trails are.
Or
Try sprinkling either talcum powder or borax
Or
A paste made of boiling two cups of sugar with one cup of water and two tablespoons of borax. Or
Try sprinkling a few crumbled bay leaves on windowsills each month.

Blow Flies
You can ward off blow flies by growing basil in pots nearby entrances.

Recipes For Cleansers And Deodorisers

Heavy Duty Cleanser 1
4 litres hot water
¼ cup cloudy ammonia
1 tablespoon bicarbonate of soda
Mix together. For a stronger mixture, double all the ingredients except water.

Heavy Duty Cleanser 2
2 tablespoons borax
1 teaspoon soap
1 litre water
This can be stored in a spray bottle.

Hospital Quality Disinfectant
Use ¼ cup borax dissolved in 2 litres hot water. Keeping surfaces clean and dry reduces the need for disinfectants.

Natural Disinfectant & Air Freshener
You can make your own natural disinfectant.
Dissolve 30 drops of Lemon or Tee Tree essential oil (oil) in 1 teaspoon of methylated spirits. Mix in one litre of distilled water and store in an airtight glass bottle.
.
Deodorisers

Clover & Malt Vinegar
You can make a spicy room deodorizer by filling a bowl or open container with malt vinegar and a teaspoon of ground clover

Apple & Cinnamon
Boil water, an apple and some cinnamon in a pot. Let the aroma fill the house with a pleasant smell. Leave on stovetop until ready to throw out

Cinnamon
Sprinkle cinnamon on aluminium foil and place it in a hot oven with the oven door open. As the cinnamon heats, the cinnamon will permeate the house. Alternative place cinnamon (add cloves if you wish) in cheesecloth bag and boil the cheesecloth bag

A Long Time Between Psych Visits

2007-08-07T00:46:00.003+08:00

I saw my psych again today, first time in five weeks. I have had a crappy few weeks with sleeping patterns and feeling a bit depressed, but still doing better than I have in the past year. This visit we talked about changing one of my thought patterns - I don’t have any problems doing things for other people, but don’t make the effort for myself. Maybe its being a mother and wife and being so used of always putting others first, that we forget about ourselves.

If one of my family members or a place of work asks me to do something, I will jump in and do it straight away without a second thought. But when it is things like walking to the shops or catching a bus to recover from agoraphobia I can’t get motivated enough to do anything. I don’t know why I have this attitude that I am not important enough to warrant effort and I suppose it doesn’t really matter where it originated from. So for this month my task is to changed my thought process that I am worthy of change in the long term and that everything I do is to make me a better and mentally healthier person.

This will be a hard one as I have obviously always thought this way and it will take a real conscious daily effort - will let you know how I get on.

We also talked about things we have and don’t have control of and which ones are blurred. Since its been raining for nearly 3 weeks now we talked about how I don’t have control of the rain, but how I can control how I think of it and the options I can use to work around it. Another example was how we don’t have control of how other people behave or act, but we have control over how we interact with them to make it a better experience.

She believes that I am doing really well and have all the skills I need to recover and that it is now up to me to put these skills into practice and reinforce them on a daily or weekly basis. This is a bit scary as I find it easier to do things when I know I have to report back to her (pleasing others again..) than to just do them for myself. I only have two visits left with her so I will see her monthly for these last ones.

Strange how others can see strengths in us that we aren’t that confident in, I suppose that I don’t feel that confident this week as I have had a bit of depressing run, but I will get there…eventually :). One great thing is that my anxiety level has definitely lowered since starting this therapy and that I am very grateful for.

Ruby

2 Responses to “A Long Time Between Psych Visits”

Elizabeth Deur on February 20th, 2009 10:46 am
Hello,
I am diagnosed with panic disorder and agoraphobia but I actually havent left my home in 2 years with exception to go the dr and that can only be with my safety person and on xanax (a block away) lately I am more anxious than ever in my life and even just sitting at home. I have suffered with this for over 10 years and it will come and go and I have been on various methods of treatment none to be extremely beneficial or not have lasting side effects.The only thing I take now is an occassional xanax which doesnt help too much.I believe my symptoms are worse due to being premenapausal. can anyone give me advice or help walk me throught this I am panicking as Iwrite.
Ruby on February 26th, 2009 9:00 am
Welcome Elizabeth
I know exactly how you feel, my current backslide was due to menopause starting, personally I find doing progressive relaxation tapes and meditation really beneficial in lessening my anxiety. I was housebound for 6 months, and then 4 months this time round - 2 years is such a long time.
I don’t have a support person unfortunately, so I have to really push myself to go to places I really need to like doctors and chemist, the more I do it the easier it gets but I am still very limited in the places I can get to.
Chatting about it all on here really helps me to, as I feel I am making myself accountable in my attempts to get to places. I hope you stay around and chat with us, check my blog roll as well as there are many of us out there, what works for one doesn’t always for another.
I’m glad you left this comment, and I hope to chat again soon

A Travel Book

2007-08-06T00:45:00.002+08:00

Chloe had gone travelling for a year and came back 6 months ago, during this time she had sent some great comical emails about what she saw and did. After being home I realised that as much as her memories will always be with her, she didn’t have anything tangible of her travels.

I retyped all her emails and added photos relevant to the place she was and made her a 48 page book with room for her to add more photos if she wishes too. She was so happy with what I had done to keep her memories alive.

She was so happy with this book that it got me thinking how we are so overtaken by materialism and spending lots of $$$$ to make our friends and family happy, when it all it takes is a bit of thought and a few hours… I hope I can take on board this as well and maybe take up bit of craft for x-mas presents.

Ruby

2 Responses to “A Travel Book”

Robert on August 6th, 2007 7:22 pm
The best christmas present I ever got was from my 4 oldest girls. They had got together and made a collage from photos in our family albums. They then got the collage framed.
The gift cost them very little in financial terms, but the thought and time that they put into it made it very, very special.
Robert
Ruby on August 7th, 2007 3:22 pm
Yes totally agree, a thought is much more precious than someone spending half an hour at a store.
I decoupaged my sisters Christmas plates last year for them to use each year. I am now in the process of working out what to make this year for everyone.

Insomnia….Grrrr

2007-08-01T00:44:00.004+08:00

I’ve had a terrible time with insomnia this week, not getting to sleep before the sun rises and napping through the day trying to rejuvenate then dragging myself up just in time for when Rory finishes work. So needless to say that it has been a very uneventful week besides visitors flying out last night.

The negativity and irrational thoughts really set in when not getting enough sleep over a period of time, so have been trying to deal with that and telling myself that it is only the lack of sleep and not buying into the negativity, but still have been feeling depressed. Finally got a good nights sleep last night with a solid seven hours, I feel partially human today.

I have always suffered with insomnia, it can take me hours to fall asleep, but luckily once I am asleep I am out for the count. I really feel for the sufferers that have broken sleep on a regular basis, I think that would be much worse.

It has been raining constantly for nearly two weeks now, which is great for the dams, but I don’t think it helps the depressed feeling

2 Responses to “Insomnia….Grrrr”

Robert on August 2nd, 2007 12:09 am
Hi Ruby!
No insomnia here! The opposite, in fact - can’t get enough time to get things done & when I get to bed, I’m totally unconscious in about 30 secs. (Not so good for my love life, though!)
No rain here! Wall-to-wall sunshine. SUCH a change from the last 2 months. Enjoying it, ‘cos it might not last!
Shit might be happening all around you, but you have got to grateful for the good things. Yes, I’m in positive thinking mode…
Robert
Ruby on August 3rd, 2007 3:54 am
Oh you lucky thing, it would be heaven to fall asleep so quickly.

Another Birthday Gone

2007-07-29T00:43:00.001+08:00

Another year has passed, and now I’m 46. Had a lovely time with Rory, Chloe and her boyfriend, we had a gourmet meat and cheese platter (my all time favourite) at Chloe’s house. Funny how birthdays mean less and less as time goes on, except the time spent with family.

I have made a resolution to start exercising regularly in some form or another, I have DVD’s that I enjoy working out to, and I want to do some more walking - once the rain lets up. I have to really get stuck into this as I am putting on too much weight sitting around the house, and Chloe is getting concerned that I wont be around to see her kids (when she has them) grow up. She also wants me to give up smoking, but I don’t think that will be happening any time soon, its the only vice I have

Another birthday gone…..I hope the next one I will be less agoraphobic.

Good Deed

2007-07-25T00:42:00.001+08:00

A neighbour came and asked if I could drive her to the hospital last night as she had injured her arm, it turned out she had cracked her funny bone, OUCH. I did think of declining but thought that would be a bit rude, she knows that I don’t like people so she must’ve been desperate to come ask me in the first place hehehe.

I drove her there and went and visited my x in-laws as there was no way I was going to stay in the hospital (good old avoidance techniques), and they live just around the corner which I was very grateful for, and picked her up when she was finished.

Only my x mother in-law was at home and we had a great catch up, and she even offered to catch the bus and meet me halfway somewhere for a coffee to help me get out a bit. It brought tears to my eyes that she would do that for me, as there aren’t many people who offer to have a potentially ruined outing, even more so since I divorced her son. I’m going to call her next week to organise when we will meet up.

More Visitors From the Country!

2007-07-25T00:41:00.002+08:00

A great friend of mine became a grandmother two days ago to a gorgeous little girl, and she and her son rocked up on my doorstep on Sunday night to stay while getting to know her new granddaughter.

I only get to see her a couple of times of year so it’s great to catch up face to face, Sunday night we stayed up and chatted till nearly 1 in the morning, Monday was a more reasonable hour of 11. Normally I feel uncomfortable talking with more than one person, but it was pretty cool and relaxed and I only felt anxious a few times, and they were at the hospital for most of the day on Monday.

Poor Rory didn’t get to sleep till 1 either as he was catching up with her son and the poor thing had to go to work on only 4 hours sleep, he was exhausted Monday after work and was asleep by 6.30 and got up to have dinner at 8.

Sister’s Visit

2007-07-23T00:40:00.003+08:00

My sister flew in from the country the other day, and luckily I don’t live far from the Airport, since I don’t have a car at them moment.

So I got a bus to the airport for 8 o’clock when she said she was flying in, but unknown to me she had meant that she left at eight. After reading the flight info and seeing she wasn’t in till 9 o’clock I went and read the blurb on just about every book in the bookshop, so now I know what is worth reading.

I was pretty anxious, but I knew I couldn’t go and leave her there, not knowing where I’d be, and the bookshop was a great distraction and that part of the airport was really quiet which I was very grateful for..

Finally she landed and we came home and had a great day together, it was so good to catch up without the kids around and just be sisters again. We didn’t do anything special just hung out and ate, and it was a perfect day.

So I’ve caught the bus now, just need a few more practices before the 7th of August.

Ruby

4 Responses to “Sister’s Visit”

Louise on July 23rd, 2007 11:58 pm

Ruby,
What’s happening on the 7th August? (apart from my ex-boyfriend’s birthday, synchronicity at it’s best!).
Thanks for your comment. Your lastest post brought me out in a cold sweat just reading it. My goodness, a bus and then an adjustment of waiting time would have had me asking a complete stranger to wait with a placard saying ‘Are you Ruby’s sister’ whilst I went and hid in a box somewhere. You are really good, especially with using the book blurbs as a distraction. That takes extraordinary strength of mind.
Does it get easier doing it more and more? I know if you don’t run and get to the other side of doing something, it doesn’t reinforce it and has a desensitising effect, I just want to hear it from a normal person, not someone who wrote a book about it!
Splendid work! I hope you and your sister have a great time catching up.
xoxox
Sarah on July 24th, 2007 1:52 am

**CONGRATS** for getting the bus. I know only too well about Mr Avoidence, but you did really good in getting on it and waiting in the airport
WELL DONE…
You show me that it is entirely possible to fight panic.
Sarah♥
Ruby on July 25th, 2007 11:29 pm

Louise
The 7th is when I am supposed to catch 4 buses within 3 hours and see the psych, I don’t know that I will be ready for that big step.
Yes it does get easier each time, it gives you proof that you wont die in the most horriblest (new word:)) way in public. Its weird, but I can do more if I am doing it for someone else, as where if I had to go the airport for me it wouldn’t have happened. I think that is another strange pattern learnt in childhood, that I am not as important as others.
Also I find that it is sometimes 2 steps forward and 1 step back, but I suppose that is to be expected dealing with anxiety and panic attacks. Avoidance definitely doesn’t help at all, but it feels much better
Thanks for your support too that really helps as well.
Ruby xx
Ruby on July 25th, 2007 11:35 pm

Thanks Sarah
Yes it is possible, though not always easy (read reply above). Its lots of perseverance (and avoidance for me).
I haven’t done much lately as its been raining every day, but not as much as England, its so sad to see the news of floods.
Thanks for your support too Sarah, its such a nice feeling having people that understand, supporting achievements and backwards steps.

Psych Visit

2007-07-21T00:39:00.002+08:00

On Tuesday I was supposed to go see the psych again. We have changed our visits to fortnightly now that she has taught me all the skills to get me through my anxiety and avoidance.

I was looking forward to going as I felt that I needed to see her to get my pep talk, especially after leaving my job. I got as far as the bus stop and that was the end of it for me, the thought of having to catch four buses and just a couple of hours overwhelmed me way too much. So I walked back home and called her at my appointment time and we just talked over the phone for half an hour. I was glad that I was still able to talk to her, but disappointed that I couldn’t get to see her.

She says that I am going very well (in the scheme of things) and that I have got a lot further than we thought I would by now. I am putting in place all the skills to get me through some of my difficult situations though the anxiety gets the better of me at times, but it’s such a nice feeling to know that I can do some things now and the rest will hopefully follow suit over time. Its nice to have someone barracking for you, it gives you that extra bit of confidence.

We have made another appointment for 3 weeks time, and it’s my task to practice the bus more until then, so I can actually get there.

I haven’t had any reason to get on a bus as yet, and I know that I should just catch it anyway, but I hate doing something if there is no reason for it, like doing a round trip on a bus going nowhere when I know its going to cause anxiety and panic.

Suppose that its something I have to force myself to do, otherwise its just more avoidance, but that will be easier said than done.

Getting Back on Track - Again

2007-07-17T23:42:00.000+08:00

Because of the pain I was in last week I spent most of it in bed or on the lounge, and my sleeping pattern of course suffered, but the pain is gone now and I’m back to getting up at 5am and having brekky with Rory before he goes to work. I am still only sleeping in 4 or 5 hour blocks, but I am trying to stay awake for the whole day and get back into sleeping 8 hours again.

I have walked up to the corner shop twice this week, which was a great achievement and I even managed it without having a major panic attack. It was definitely not enjoyable, but it was nice to be out in the sun. I haven’t walked anywhere for such a long time, it was very scary, but I took on board the achievement of walking to the bus stop and used that to get through each step. I am going to walk up there every couple of days till it becomes a ‘normal’ activity.

I have planted about half of my natives and and I can’t wait till the grow..hmmm, will probably need a bit of patience for that one. My dog loves to dig up seedlings and chew on the roots, but she has only dug up one so far, and I hope that will be all she does…I can hope I haven’t checked the garden today yet…so fingers crossed.

7 Responses to “Getting Back on Track - Again”

Louise on July 17th, 2007 3:38 pm
Hello Ruby!
Thank you for visiting me and linking me! I feel absolutely honoured! I’m currently off work at the moment with sciatica so I can sympathise a bit on the pain front. I had been taking a codeine based painkiller that had a large amount of caffeine in it to prevent lethargy, forgetting that caffeine is panic’s best friend!! So I’ve decided to go cold turkey (Paracetamol doesn’t touch it) and put my feet up ’til it’s gone!
Fantastic about your daily walks to the bus stop! What breed of dog do you have there?
I shall visit again soon! xoxox
Ruby on July 17th, 2007 6:16 pm
Your welcome Louise, us nutters have to stick together. I loved your writing style and quirky humour.
Sciatica….ouch, I’m allergic to codeine, it makes me totally loose it. I take a pain killer called “Di-gesic” which is stronger than paracetamol but no spin outs for me.
Shandi’s mum is an Australian Silky Terrier and her dad is Maltese/Shitzu, she is a lovely ball of fluff, a real lapdog. She is just on two so is starting to loose some of those horrid puppy traits. I have often thought of putting up a picture page, but as you I don’t have any interesting pics, I suppose I could photoshop myself into pics with interesting people hehehe.
Hope you start feeling better soon
Ruby
Sarah on July 17th, 2007 8:32 pm
Hi there..
A BIG fat well done for walking to the shop! It’s so hard getting back into the swing of things after illness, flipping heck, i’ve been failing at that for 8 months now.
Hope you feel better soon
Sarah♥
Rubyon July 17th, 2007 11:29 pm
Thanks heaps Sarah
Yes its not an easy road, I cant remember the last time I walked up to the shops, its been over a year that’s for sure.
We will get there…eventually.
Ruby
Louise on July 20th, 2007 12:38 am
Hello Ruby
Do you find it easier to go further when Shandi is with you? I read something about ‘involvement shields’ on an interesting article -
http://www.lancs.ac.uk/fass/ihr/staff/documents/livingwithagoraphobia.pdf
After reading this article I realised that people are my problem, not the surroundings. Like, if I was invisible, I wouldn’t be agoraphobic. I’d never thought that before.
Am currently looking on ebay for a reasonably priced invisibility cloak. I’ll let you know…
xoxox
Ruby on July 21st, 2007 11:59 am
Yes I do Louise, I think too that its the invisibility thing, if Shandi is with me I don’t feel that I am focused on. I am trying to change my thinking to that people probably don’t give a hoot anyway.
I had a brief look through the pdf, I’ll read it through properly later today, but I believe that my thought patterns came from Mum who was always saying “what will people think”.
Crazy how we get programmed and how it affects us.
Thanks for the link
If you find that cloak let me know….
Ruby
Louise on July 22nd, 2007 1:30 am
My grandparents who had the most part of bringing me up were anxious. Very nice people but not very gutsy. I can imagine they would say “what will people think” to me too. It’s along those lines anyway. Totally relate to what you’re saying. Also suffered terribly from homesickness when a child. Funny but tragic - my mum/nan/grandad would leave me (at my insistance) at a friend’s house to stay the night and go home and sit by the phone with their coat on waiting for the inevitable call! haha.
Won’t be posting much for the while, I’ve just split up with my boyfriend. No problem, I’m just going to gather my broken thoughts for a while.
Much love xoxoxox

Menopause

2007-07-12T00:34:00.002+08:00

Well I did have a pause….for over a year where I was just getting spotting, but this week my period came back with a vengeance. I have been in so much pain and I haven’t even been able to walk properly, I was lucky enough to go through life without ever suffering period pains and Chloe said jokingly that it was about time that I knew what everybody else goes through every month :).

They say that menopause is over when its been a year since your last period, so now I have to start counting the months again. I certainly hope that this weeks occurrence wont be happening again, cause the pain and the headaches is horrible. I feel for all of those who suffer every month like this or even worse.

Well back to the pain killers and the hot water bottle.

Ruby

2 Responses to “Menopause”

Robert on July 16th, 2007 7:12 am

Hi Ruby!
From what you’ve said about the way you were being treated in your job, you did the right thing to leave. After all, who needs their self-esteem getting battered every day? Good luck with the search for a new job. At least you know you can cope with employment.
I too used to be a night owl - still am, sometimes. But I have found that getting up at the same time every day gives me a routine and allows my body clock to function better. Also, I don’t feel guilty about “wasting” precious hours of my life. I still go to bed way too late on occasion, but I always get up to give the kids their breakfast. It’s my incentive to get up at the same time every morning.
Another thing, I HATE waking up in the middle of the night, so I prefer to go to bed a little late and sleep the night through.
Three of my 4 adult daughters have REALLY sever period pains. So bad that, without their helpful pills, they wouldn’t be able to work for a couple of days each month. Before getting the pills…absolute agony. Often I’ve watched them, clutching hot water bottles, o/d’ing on painkillers, writhing in pain… You’re lucky that you’ve missed all that. My wife is like you - no pain. A bit grumpy the day before her period starts, that’s all.
Best wishes
Robert
PS Thought my family problems were sorted, but I was wrong! Stressful times
Ruby on July 17th, 2007 11:48 am

Hi Robert
Yes me and Marie are definitely the lucky ones as far as PMT goes, hopefully mine will recede next time around.
I have been starting to get up with Rory in the mornings - 5am, but as you say, its all about a routine and I’m slowing getting into one.
I said to my boss re leaving my job, that I wouldn’t allow anyone to treat me that way at home, so it certainly wont happen at work. They wanted me to change, but weren’t prepared to speak to her so that we could maybe work it out, so I am glad I decided to leave. I haven’t found anything yet, but I’m sure something will come along, it makes harder having to find something close to home with not having transport.
Sorry to hear your family problems are still around you Robert, I hope it lessens with time.
You are in my thoughts.

Not Sleeping Well

2007-07-10T00:33:00.002+08:00

I haven’t been sleeping well lately, but I partly blame that on staying up and watching Wimbledon, and partly on me being a night owl.

I think I have worked out why I get more done after the midnight hour, during the day I have the feeling of guilt that I am not going out and doing the things that I should (like practising going shopping, walking and catching the bus). At night time I am not able to go anywhere so I don’t have the guilt and feel more emotionally free to focus on what I need to to, instead of the guilt taking up all the mental room.

I have suffered insomnia all of my life to one degree or another so it isn’t something new, but I do need to work it out somehow. I have always enjoyed night-time more than daytime so its a long term habit to be broken.

I try to get up at the same time every morning regardless of the amount of sleep I have had, but it doesn’t always turn out that way.

This will be my focus over the next few weeks before I start looking for another job.

Ruby

One Response to “Not Sleeping Well”

Ruby on July 13th, 2007 12:26 am

I am still not sleeping right, I sleep long and sound, but not at the correct times still. I am trying not to stress about it, but it is starting to get to me. Rory is supposed to reset the alarm when he goes to work, which he has not been doing every day so I told him he will have to get his own alarm clock on Saturday as I have to get back into a proper sleeping routine. He wasn’t happy about having to waste money on something we have in the house, but that’s life….

My Garden

2007-07-10T00:32:00.001+08:00

In the last year I haven’t kept up with much gardening, just what I needed to like weeding and watering. Recently I have been inspired back into the garden and yesterday I drove out to a Native Nursery and picked up 25 flowering tree and shrub seedlings.

It was fun to choose them but the drive was terrible, I started having a panic attack as soon as I got in the car and it didn’t stop until I got back home so it was a terrible outing. Usually a panic attack lessens as I drive, yesterday it just got worse.

I so badly wanted to get the seedlings while I had my daughters car so I persevered through the anxiety, but was disappointed that I wasn’t able to minimise the feelings.

I re-potted the seedlings into larger pots when I got home and will work out where I want them to go over the next few weeks.

CBT Explanation

2007-06-30T00:23:00.002+08:00

I have written a brief explanation on CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I have found most of them helpful through the years, and use them regularly at the moment to walk to the bus stop and then catching the bus, going to shopping centres and even keeping in touch with people.
When I first started doing it I found it very hard, but perseverance paid of and a lot of the things I do mentally, others I sit down with pen a paper because I find that reading it back makes it so much clearer than it just running through my head.

CBT

Your thoughts create your feelings
I really like the theory about Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) thought I better put pen to paper and explain my take on it and how I use it. I’ve compiled this information from various books, groups, people and friends over the past 15 years. This is not a professional view but methods that have worked for me.
I can remember when I first heard about CBT, I had no idea that our thoughts and feelings were so inter linked. I thought I was just a negative person and didn’t realise that I had control over this, as I believed that it was surrounding events and people that made us feel the way we did. To find out that I had a choice and could control this was opening a huge door for me.
CBT is where we change our thinking from negative/irrational thinking and ideas to positive/rational thinking by writing down the events – our thoughts – and the outcome and choosing how we can change for the better.
CBT has changed things immensely in my personal life, and it works really well for me, but as far as a coping strategy for panic attacks/agoraphobia it has not worked that well at all, but I am happy to read a book if I can at least take one great thing away from it and put it into practice, so even though it hasn’t ‘cured’ me, it has made me a much better person.
The first lesson I took on was: People cannot make me feel anything; it’s my interpretation that creates my feelings and emotions.
This was a heard lesson for me, as I had always blamed others for my reactions and my negative emotions. Eg. If someone criticised me in any way I would blame him or her for making me angry and getting low self-esteem and I would also take on board that I was ‘useless’, ‘bad’, ‘nasty’ etc etc.
The method I used was “CBT” to understand and dispute/change my “Cognitive Distortions”. I used the CBT Table to help me challenge my beliefs and thoughts.

Some helpful questions in challenging beliefs/thoughts:

What other ways are there of viewing the situation?
How might someone else view the situation?
If I were not anxious, how might I view the situation differently?
Realistically, what is the likelihood of that happening?
What is the worst thing that could happen to me if this thought was true?
What good things might occur if this thought was true?
What is the effect of me thinking this way? Is it helpful for me to think this way?
What is an alternative, more useful way of thinking about the situation?

Some helpful questions in gathering evidence regarding whether a belief/thought is irrational:

Where is the evidence (or proof) that this thought/belief is true?
Is there any evidence that disproves my thought/belief?
Can I identify this thought/belief as one of the Cognitive Distortions?(See below)
How do I know that my thoughts/beliefs are true?
Are there facts that I am ignoring or I’ve overlooked?
What other explanations could there possibly be (ie alternatives to what thought)
How realistic are my thoughts, beliefs and expectations?

Cognitive Distortions
All or Nothing Thinking
You see everything in black and white there are no shades of grey
“I am always lazy”
No one can “always” be lazy
Generalization
One failure means failure always
One person doesn’t agree with you and you think everyone thinks the same
No one becomes their failure it is just one event
Mental Filter
You pick out one negative detail and focus on that
You look at only one aspect of your personality
You have to look at the whole picture
Disqualifying the Positive
You always find a reason not to see the positive, there is always a ‘but’ or ‘because’.
You need to pat yourself on the back for every positive in your life
Jumping to Conclusions
You make assumptions due to your negative thinking
Look at all the facts in a rational way
Magnification or Minimization
You exaggerate negatives and failures. Shrink abilities and positive outcomes
You may have failed once, that doesn’t mean you are a failure
Be proud of all achievements they are important
Emotional Reasoning
You think that because you feel it, then it must be true
Your feeling can be irrational and may not reflect things as they really are
Once you change your thoughts then your feelings will change too, do not
judge by your feeling, but by the facts
Should Statements
You berate yourself with shoulds and should nots, which only makes you feel guilty
When you expect shoulds and should nots of others you feel resentment
Practice removing the word should out of your vocabulary it is not a healthy word
Labelling and Mislabelling
Using labels to describe yourself or others, like looser, idiot, do-gooder and perfectionist
See every side of ourselves and others, don’t just focus on a negative or positive side
Look at everyone as a whole person
Personalization
You blame yourself for events out of your control
Nothing is totally one person’s fault; do not take responsibility for other’s choices

Shopping Centre for Two Hours

2007-06-28T00:22:00.000+08:00

My tasks for this week from the psych was to make myself do things that I don’t want to do and haven’t been able to do for a long time. I was going to go shopping yesterday at the local small supermarket.
So I decided to start my task and go the shopping centre and shop at Coles. I planned to be in and out very quickly as I would cope better that way. I went in to the centre and using my breathing and CBT realised that I was not feeling as bad as I thought I would, so I decided to go into a couple of the smaller shops that I haven’t looked in for over a year. It went so well that I went in and looked at a lot of shops as well as going into a few boutiques and tried clothes on. I must admit it felt really good to shop for clothes again….its been such a long time. I only bought a couple of items but had a good time.
After all this I went and did my food shopping and that went well too. It’s amazing that I could stay in the shopping centre by myself for a few hours without the feeling of having to run out. Desensitisation really works in building up confidence each time a task is done, as well as transference from other tasks achieved.
I took on board that I need to be proud of my achievements and when I picked up Rory, I bragged about my achievements to him and he was happy with what I had done too. It felt weird bragging, but it also made me feel good and confident.
I am going to think of something to do over the weekend that will push the boundaries

Psych Visit - Childhood Beliefs

2007-06-27T00:21:00.001+08:00

My visit at the psych this week pretty much carried on from last week. We discussed further how I had gone with becoming aware of my fear thoughts and how I can go about changing them. Basically it is going to be a long term goal, but awareness is the first step.
We also discussed that avoidance behaviour that served me well as a child and teenager, When I need to protect myself from my step father and stay out of the way of people who would tease my because of my home life, and that’s where my avoidance and agoraphobia began. But now they don’t serve a purpose in my life and that I need to use CBT to challenge those thoughts, and replace them with thoughts that serve my life now and we will go into this further next week.
The third thing we discussed was finding the reason I wore a different hat at work, and felt that I was a fraud there. We worked out that it wasn’t that I was a fraud, but that I had such a horrible home life, that when at work I pretended that I was “normal” and when I was in my home environment I thought that was my normal self. Because I was living two different lives with two different personalities I felt like one them was a fraud, but maybe it was my home personality that was a fraud and the work one normal.
Since then I have always felt a fraud in work situations, even though I have always been very competent and confident in my work roles. I now have to change this thought process around and that I can be the same person at home as what I am at work, I do not need to come home and feel insecure and not capable.
I thought I had worked through all my childhood demons….how wrong I was…I am so glad that the psych has worked around to this so I can challenge these thoughts.
I will see her again next week, then we are going to change to fortnightly visits so that I have time to work longer on each task.
Ruby

One Response to “Psych Visit - Childhood Beliefs”

Ruby on July 7th, 2007 10:56 pm
I suppose that one thing with having left work, it hasn’t made me incompetent or blaming myself and it definitely has not carried through to my home life. I am glad that I am so aware of these thoughts now that I can place or leave them where they belong.

Psychologist Visit - Fears & Beliefs

2007-06-24T00:19:00.002+08:00

I am a bit behind on writing about the visit, firstly because of working and I haven’t got into a proper routine yet. Secondly because I needed some time to think it through first and decide how to tackle it, I have only come up with a starting solution for #1, and nothing for the rest, as I am so stuck in this thinking and will take a while to challenge to them…not a week task.
I was given a list of things that I had to think about, and how I would put them into action.

Consolidating achievements from work to home life
Are my fear thoughts realistic and how can I change them (and believe them)
How would I put point 2 into practice
The impact it would have to have alternative thoughts

This is what I have/n’t come up with so far:

Consolidating achievements from work to home life:
Are my fear thoughts realistic and how can I challenge them (and believe them):

assume

How would I put point 2 into practice
The impact it would have to have alternative thoughts

I will keep adding comments to this post as I come up with more solutions and changes.
Ruby

One Response to “Psychologist Visit - Fears & Beliefs”

Jethro on March 16th, 2008 11:13 pm
Hey Ruby,
I know it’s a bit late but I’ve currently stumbled upon your blog and real glad I did. It’s hard finding people going through the same phases in life as myself who’re willing to talk about it.
What impresses me is the fact that everything in this post pinpoints exactly what I do too/think about. I watch other people pan out their own lives because I find it interesting. One of my past doctors told me it was an attribute associated with chronic boredom which didn’t help me at all.
I’m glad that there are people out there who I can relate too even in times like this. I’ve only started reading your progress now but it is inspiring. By the time I get to the present date I hope everything has worked out for you.

Five More Bus Trips

2007-06-23T00:18:00.002+08:00

I have been on the bus five times since my last post. Thursday morning I didn’t feel as nauseous as Wednesday nor did I feel the need to go the toilet, but still didn’t feel comfortable and was very glad when I arrived at work. On the way home I had to stop off at the shops and get a couple of things which is about half way home (the whole trip is 9km), which meant that I then had to get another bus from the shops to home, for the 5km to the shops I tried thinking up lots of different options of getting to the shops, unfortunately there were none and I knew I had to get off. I also had to walk about 700m to get the shopping centre, which was hell, being in the open like that, I kept up the breathing and positive self talk. I quickly grabbed what I had to and returned to the bus stop where I had to wait 15mins for the next bus, but I was happier at the bus stop then having stayed in the shopping centre, the better of two evils. I got home after dark and walked home very quickly as I don’t feel safe walking at night.
Friday morning I felt OK about walking to the bus, but once I got on I felt a huge wave of panic overwhelming me as well as a strong feeling of having diarrhoea, I decided that I would get off at the next stop, once at the next stop I kept telling myself that I had to get to work and I knew that if I got off I would be feeding my anxiety for the next time. Then I decided that I would stay on the bus till I could absolutely not handle it any more, at each stop I had to stop myself getting of the bus and eventually made it to work, it was a terrible trip. Luckily there are never many people on my bus which makes me a bit more comfortable.
During work I tried praising myself for my achievement but the memory of the crappy trip kept overriding. I thought about catching a taxi home as I didn’t want to risk another horrible ride. By the time home time came I had talked myself into taking the bus because I knew if I didn’t then I would be taking a step back in my progress and I really don’t want to do that. When I left it was pouring with rain and I had a 15 minute wait at the stop, but I made it home with medium anxiety.
Thank God its the weekend and I can take a break from the bus and the anxiety and worry about it I really hate agoraphobia and panic attacks!!!!!
Ruby

2 Responses to “Five More Bus Trips”

Robert on June 27th, 2007 7:04 am
Hi Ruby!
I haven’t been online for over a week…and look how far you’ve come on!!!!!
If your back is not pleasantly throbbing from much patting on it…it should be!!!
Now you’re going down that road to recovery - at quite a pace - don’t look back :0)
As always, I send my best wishes to you.
Robert
Ruby on June 27th, 2007 5:56 pm
Hi Robert
Yes, I have come some way, and I HAVE to start patting myself on the back, I keep saying “its only because…..” my psych told me off for not owning my accomplishments and to start congratulating myself, which I am trying to do now.
I think I’m scared to make a big deal out of it, in case it all comes crumbling down again. But I need to appreciate what I’ve achieved each day for that day and not thinking of the future.
Looking forward to a sore back

I Survived The Bus! And Made It Home Too

2007-06-21T00:17:00.002+08:00

I did it!!! My anxiety rose very quickly once I got out onto the street, and I started to focus on keeping my breathing at a good rate. I had to wait for 7 mins at the stop, luckily an elderly lady came to the stop who loved to have a chat which kept me distracted.
Once on the bus I started feeling very nauseous straight away I tried very hard not too focus on that feeling, normally I would focus on it until I started a panic attack, it worked on and off and had bouts of the nausea. I had to work on my breathing for the whole trip which at times was really hard and I felt exhausted by the time I got too work. One of my symptoms of my anxiety is the feeling that I am going to “wet” myself and that was constant for the whole trip, I had taken precaution and wore a incontenance pad, I did not need it, but it was a comfort to know I was covered.
On the trip home I felt a lot better, though did not enjoy the trip I had to focus on my breathing rate, and felt like I needed to go to the toilet, but did not feel nauseous . Hopefully that means that each trip is going to get easier every day.
My psychiatrist told me that I don’t appreciate my achievements enough, so for this one I am very proud of myself of completing this task. Now I am about to head off to do it all again…
Ruby

3 Responses to “I Survived The Bus! And Made It Home Too”

Sarah on June 21st, 2007 4:37 pm
Hi..
I’ve just recently started reading your blog and as an agoraphobic myself (currently in the midst of a pretty poopy relapse) i found this post very inspirational.
Well done for making that bus ride. Public transport for me right now is a completely no-no, i can barely get in a car
Anyway…i look forward in reading more of your blog.
Sarah♥
Ruby on June 21st, 2007 7:48 pm
Hi Sarah
Welcome to my blog, I’m glad you got inspired. Relapses are terrible, I’ve had plenty of them over the years too - I feel for you.
Its the baby steps that are important, and panic is not bigger than you, that’s just where people who suffer this horrible illness, put it.
Ruby
Leonora on October 29th, 2008 6:00 am
Well said.

GROW Meetings

2007-06-19T10:14:00.001+08:00

I haven’t been able to go to GROW for a few weeks now because of working, and I have really missed the group and the support they give as a group and individually to both sufferers with mental health issues and their partners/family, as well as having tasks to do each week that will change me in a positive way.
I found out today that they have had to change their meeting place and luckily the time as well, from the beginning of August they will be meeting on Mondays at 10 am. So in 5 weeks I will get back into ‘growing’ myself, it is such a great program

Bus Trip Tomorrow

2007-06-19T00:14:00.002+08:00

Chloe came to pick up the car this evening as she needs it (and not forgetting that it is her car). I have been stressing about tomorrow so much and I spoke to the psych about it this morning at our meeting.
She says that I have to transfer the skills I have used to be able to start work in doing other difficult tasks - like catching the bus - I find this hard to do as I have always worked with my anxiety and agoraphobia to some extent, and I have never transferred the confidence from work to my “home” life. This is something I spend most of the day pondering on, she is right of course, but I have always separated my work and personal persona and now I have to change my view on my home persona and transfer the thoughts I use to complete work tasks.
I have my bus times all worked out, double checked the batteries in my mp3 player and put a book in my bag to make sure that all distractions are in place for the horror half hour trip, not to mention the walk to get to the bus-top (about 3 min) can’t believe that I am having to meet two tasks in one go - AND I CAN’T FAIL!!! - I have to go to an out of office meeting - not just a normal day.
Ruby

3 Responses to “Bus Trip Tomorrow”

Ruby on June 19th, 2007 10:41 pm
A friend who had read this post called to say that they would give me a lift to work to save me from facing my fear of buses. I was really thrilled at the offer and was very tempted to take up the offer. But I know that avoiding this task now will make it harder in the future. So I anxiously declined the offer, but said that I would use them as a backstop if needed.
Even a month ago I would have jumped at the offer, I feel very confident and strong that I was able to say, thank you but no. Somehow I don’t think I will feel that way tomorrow when I am heading up to the corner and taking the first step onto the bus.
Ruby
Robert on June 20th, 2007 7:11 am
Hi Ruby…
I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you…
Btw, brave decision!
Good Luck
Robert
>Ruby on June 20th, 2007 10:17 am
Thanks Robert
Its great to know people are supporting my efforts, it really spurs me on.

Update on Finding a Purpose

2007-06-17T12:11:00.000+08:00

This task is just about impossible for me, my purpose has always been survival and my kids, and I keep justifying to myself that I’m still needed in this role as a mum (and I am only needed now when asked) I will keep persevering on this one. I took up crafts for a short time last year and it was fun at the time, but I don’t really have the creative mind to keep it up and I get bored with it very quickly
I did some decoupage projects that turned out pretty good but now I’ve run out of ideas. though I don’t see this as a purpose, its a hobby.
This task is going to take a lot of pondering.

Still Working

2007-06-17T00:12:00.001+08:00

I am still working, I couldn’t bring myself to quit as I really want to stay there, it seems like a great place to work.
I did speak to the boss about the problem I may have with catching a bus to work, he was very empathetic and came up with some helpful suggestions. I am really lucky to have a boss who is so understanding and supportive… I hope I can repay his kindness by turning up on Wednesday afternoon.
I wanted to do a trial run on the bus over the weekend, but that would mean that I would have to make a return trip all in one go and that’s way too scary, it’s way too scary to catch it one way to work, never mind anything else.
I have got batteries for my mp3 player and picked out a good book so I can keep distracted. The plan was to work up slowly to getting on a bus (like walking to the corner first!!) and now I have been thrown in the deep end. If I manage to do this on Wednesday I am definitely going to treat myself to something nice :).

Finding a Life Purpose

2007-05-30T20:09:00.001+08:00

Reading a newsletter from Agoraphobia Resource Centre at http://www.agoraphobia.ws/newslettermay292007.htm named “Finding a Purpose Greater than Fear” was a great read. It discusses how man can conquer just about anything if he/she has a purpose in
life. This has made me think a lot of how most of my days purpose is focused on my anxiety and agoraphobia instead of finding or working towards a purpose for life. I grew up having to just survive my teenage years, so I never had a purpose or goal for the future, then I had children and my life was focussed on them and I got put on the back burner.
Now that the children have grown I find that I do not have a purpose for myself. This is something I am going to really look at hard and see what options I can come up with.

I Need Sleep!

2007-05-28T10:08:00.002+08:00

I have had such bad sleep patterns in the last few days because of the noisy neighbours and Rory and his mates watching DVD’s till all hours (not that I mind him having fun, it was just bad timing), so I haven’t done anything at all out of the house. I have been feeling fairly low due to the lack of sleep which has in turn brought out the negativeness in me and that is never a good thing, I like to try to be as positive as possible. I went to bed early tonight to get a good sleep before my busy Monday and I got three messages and two phone calls after only two hours of sleep. My phone hardly ever rings, very strange how they all call at the one time. I didn’t answer the calls but it still woke me and now I am having trouble getting back to sleep again.
I was talking to a GROW member over the weekend, and all of a sudden I started going on about how I’m feeling pressured with all the tasks from the psychologist. I feel that I am not getting enough time to get a grasp on each task before starting the next one and I am feeling overwhelmed at walking on my own and am scared that if I don’t meet the tasks she will say that I am not meeting the targets and cancel the appointments like she did a couple of weeks ago. Weird how I didn’t know that was how I was feeling until it came out of my mouth.
I know that it is a government mental health organisation and they are very busy and are behind the eight ball, but am I just wasting their time and mine by attending and not given the time to get better. I will talk to her about this tomorrow at our appointment and see what happens from there.
I have consolidated all my address books and email addresses though, that took a while, there were bits everywhere, so at least something is moving in the right direction.
Ruby

2 Responses to “I Need Sleep!”

Robert on May 30th, 2007 7:28 am

Hi Ruby!
Just a fact that you should not disregard…
PSYCHIATRISTS ARE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT!
Go at your own speed, listen to your body, visualize positive scenes when you get some quiet time, and it will all come together in due course.
Best wishes
Robert
Ruby on May 30th, 2007 11:07 am

Hi Robert
Yes they are only people and everyone is different, I couldn’t make my appointment this week, but I will discuss this with her next week when I see her. This is something I want to do - being able to walk places - I know that I have to bite the bullet, but I need to put some strategies in place in first and start of with baby steps.
Thanks for your support, its so nice to know I’m not in this alone.

No Advances Yet

2007-05-25T09:07:00.000+08:00

Well I haven’t ventured out for my walks to the corner as yet, just the thought doing it freezes me on the spot and starts off a panic attack. I walked out to the letterbox today, and I had a look up towards the corner and it was so overwhelming I couldn’t believe it, I just can’t do it.
I can’t even seem to pinpoint what it is that is stopping me, I know that it is my anxiety obviously, but aside from that the only other thing is that it is so far out of my comfort zone that it scares me, as if I was stepping into another world that I don’t know or understand.
Its really weird when I know that ‘rationally’ there should be no fear to do what millions of people do everyday all around the world, some with war around them, and I can’t even walk 500m because of an inner irrational (although real) fear.
I sometimes get angry at myself, but then I have to stop and look at how far I have come since not even being able to leave my bedroom because of the agoraphobia. I also think that if this had been treated properly years ago I wouldn’t have spent the last 19 years using avoidance as a coping mechanism and thinking that I was ‘coping’ - not leading up to where I am today. But I can’t blame the past I suppose, I have to work forward one day at a time.

Going Great

2007-05-23T10:05:00.001+08:00

Its Wednesday night and things have been going great in the way that I feel, its getting better every day. I saw the psychologist on Monday and we went further into the CBT there is so much more to it than meets the eye, if you don’t get it right then it wont benefit so focused on the differences with thoughts and emotions and the tasks we set up was for me to walk to the corner and back either by myself or with my dog, I haven’t ventured to the corner yet but have gone to the letterbox one more time. Just the thought of walking to the corner makes me so anxious and overwhelmed, that I just try to not think of it, I really don’t know if it is something I am ready to take on at this time, but I will try and see how I go.
Then I had an appointment with the psychiatrist to check how the new medication is going, and he is happy with the outcome, so I wont need to see him again.
Because of the psychiatrist appointment I missed the GROW meeting, but I went along to have coffee with them after the meeting, that was nice, but I mainly went so I kept in the habit of going each Monday.
Yesterday I rearranged the furniture in the house, to give me and my son some more privacy when he has his friends over. I moved the TV out of my bedroom and set it up in the dining room for me to make the bedroom for sleeping only and so I don’t have to be cooped up in my bedroom.
Today I cordoned off a section of the garden to keep my succulents in as the dog likes to dig up small plants, its looking pretty good I think. I made it big enough so I can keep my seedlings etc there as well.
Ruby

2 Responses to “Going Great”

Robert on May 24th, 2007 9:20 am
Hi Ruby -
Just checking up on you & you’re still doing well!
The CBT is helping, I’m sure; but it’s your real desire to change that’s pushing you forward. I really believe you’ve got what it takes to succeed!
Still rootin’ for you…
Robert
Ruby on May 25th, 2007 5:24 pm
Thanks Robert
Yes that is true I do have a desire to change, but I don’t think I could do it without the tools I am learning so its probably 50/50.
It’s easy to expand on the things that you have been doing, but the stuff that I haven’t done for years and years are going to be the biggest hurdles.
I am not so confident about those, but I shouldn’t jinx myself….

Sunday Again Already

2007-05-20T12:04:00.000+08:00

The days seem to fly by at the moment, I haven’t made an entry since Thursday. Well Thursday night I didn’t sleep well due to the neighbours arguing and then they started again at 5am, so I slept in till about noon. I picked up Rory from work and we went shopping at Coles (large supermarket) and again I managed my anxiety pretty well, but was glad to get out of there. Saturday morning I went to a cafe with Chloe to have a bit of a catch-up, it was rather busy but we managed to get a seat right by the door which made me feel a lot better, then we met Rory at home. After Chloe left we went to BigW to get him some shirts and socks. When we were walking into the shops I realised I still had my slippers on, normally I would not have gone in as my anxiety about what people would think would have made me go home. But I persevered as it was only going to be a quick in and out and kept panic attacks at bay.
I had to really concentrate on my breathing to keep my anxiety at bay, which also made me not focus on what people were thinking.
I had a task that I had to complete from GROW, to read a paragraph of their book daily, which I didn’t do, I only read it a couple of times. I think I have to set a specific time aside each day to complete my tasks, as that is what will help me. Now I have to own up to this tomorrow at the meeting, which is never a pleasant thing to do.

The Letterbox

2007-05-17T12:03:00.002+08:00

While I was still floating about the achievement at the restaurant, I decided to tackle the task the psych had set for me, which was to walk out to the letterbox.
I always checked it driving in the units driveway to avoid having to walk out there, I was so concerned about what the neighbours would think if I had a panic attack while walking, that I have avoided for a year now, so after all morning psyching myself up and using the CBT and breathing skills off I went (I did wait till everyone was indoors) and I completed my first task, I focused on my breathing the whole time so I wouldn’t start the panic cycle (and then there was no mail in there anyway, which made the effort seem useless). When I got back inside I gave a huge relief breath and had a mild panic attack. But I made it and faced my agoraphobia head on, which is the main thing.
Because winter is setting in, I am crocheting my little lapdog a jumper (she hates the cold) so I can take her for walks up to the corner. I haven’t walked anywhere for so many years, I can’t even remember the last time. So I will master the letterbox before I start on this one.
I used to get newsletters from Stephen Price who is a recovered agoraphobic himself and is currently studying his doctorate in psychology. He is going to write a book on the subject, and he is using a blog to get others input as well, have a look at his blog and website, I have links to both on here, Blog: Panic Disorder Book Project and Website: Agoraphobia Resource Centre
Ruby

2 Responses to “The Letterbox”

Robert on May 20th, 2007 9:19 am

Hi Ruby -
Congratulations on your trip to the restaurant. And to the letterbox. You seem to be getting more confident. I hope it continues!
Robert
Ruby on May 20th, 2007 12:59 pm

Thanks Robert
Yes, so do I. It definitely gave me confidence to know I am capable, but it all depends on how I feel on the day but I can’t praise the breathing and CBT enough it has made a huge difference.
Ruby

Mother’s Day Dinner

2007-05-16T00:01:00.001+08:00

Well I did it!!!!! Yeeeha!!!! I’m pretty pleased with myself, didn’t think I would last out the meal before I had to go racing off outside to have a panic attack.
Chloe and her boyfriend came and picked up Rory and me and we headed of into the city, by this time I had worked myself up to a mild anxiety. We parked further away from the restaurant than I would’ve liked, but I kept quiet and focused on the conversation to distract myself. When we got there it was very full so we asked to sit at the back, away from the throng of people and serving tables, it was a smorgasbord and I had walk up to the serving tables for each course, which I didn’t find as anxious as I thought. We had a really nice time and lots of laughs. There was a few times I felt my anxiety rising, but I practised my skills before it got too out of hand and I was able to keep it manageable.
Walking back to the car I got fairly anxious as the car was not in sight of the restaurant, I kept distracting myself with the conversations going on, and again I made it fine with only one mild panic attack.
When I got home I couldn’t sleep for a few hours as I was so overfull from all the great food. But I got to sleep at a reasonable hour and woke up around 8 this morning.
I keep negating my ability by thinking that it was only because I was with my family, but then I give myself a stern talking to, to remind myself that it was me who managed it…no one else.
Thanks for a lovely evening kids.
Ruby

2 Responses to “Mother’s Day Dinner”

Stephen Price on May 16th, 2007 10:56 pm
Ruby,
You are a good writer and share the experiences of an agoraphobic well. You probably aready know this, but I had to give myself credit every little victory no matter how small. There were times during my days as an agoraphobic that I could not even have done what you describe on this post. - Stephen
Ruby on May 17th, 2007 12:47 pm
Hi Stephen
It is so hard to give ourselves credit, we minimise our achievements so well. When agoraphobia kicked in this time around, I was not able to leave my house for 3 months months, I had an acquaintance to buy a huge shop that lasted me for that time, then I had to make myself get up to the corner shop to buy a couple of things at a time, as I didn’t have any support, and wanting to eat is a good motivator… When my son came to live with me 2 months later I found I could be his taxi service (on a good day). I still only leave the house when I really have to, which is about twice a week, and it takes me half the day to psych myself into it.
I wish I could’ve started this blog at the beginning as I have found it very helpful dissecting my days.
Now I can do things with other people but not on my own, but I am slowly regaining my life bit by bit. I have avoided so many situations for the last 19 years that there are some things that may stay that way, but if I can get back to being employable I will be happy with that for now.
I really feel for people that have been housebound for years, I am such an independent (or maybe stubborn)person, because I had overcome it to some degree once before, I knew that eventually I would do it again with the right skills in place. There is still a long road ahead of me, but with programs like yours, which was a great help to me in itself but also the realisation that I am not alone.
Good luck with your book, you have so much information on this subject, I am really looking forward to the end result.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

2007-05-15T00:00:00.001+08:00

Had my visit with the psych yesterday and we worked some more on the CBT and I am slowly getting the hang of it.
It looks so easy at first but have realised its not, but I will get there. Basically it is breaking down irrational thoughts and behaviours in a logical way through writing down the Action you were doing, then the thoughts that caused the anxiety and finally the consequence and feelings that came from the thoughts. Even though I haven’t got it down pat, I have quickly seen (when it is written on paper) how irrational my thoughts are and how my thoughts, not the action, cause the consequence. So I got a lot out of yesterdays visit.
My task for this week is to face my agoraphobia and attempt walking out to the letterbox, I usually stop there while driving in, and use the CBT and the breathing exercises to lower my anxiety.
Then I went to my GROW meeting which was also very helpful, I had finished my first task and reported back on that. My task for this week is to begin to understand my feelings better as I have ignored and buried them for such a long time now that I don’t know how to describe them any more. It is great at GROW as I can expand on the session I have had with my psych instead of working in two different directions.
Tonight Chloe and Rory are taking me out for Mother’s Day dinner, I have spent all week trying not to think about it, so I don’t talk myself out of going, its only 4 hours to go and I am still feeling comfortable about going even though my anxiety levels are rising about it.

Mothers Day

2007-05-13T23:58:00.002+08:00

It was a great day today, first time I have had both the kids around at the same time on Mothers Day. I watched footy (which I hate) and got to listen to Rory’s heavy metal music (which I also hate…lol) and then the kids went to a footy game, and for the best part, I got left with Chloe and her boyfriends washing to do but I wasn’t bothered, I had a great day.
I had a bit of a panic attack the other night, I was driving to Chloe’s place on Friday night and freaked about having to walk through the foyer to the elevator. I knew I should have used the breathing skills I have been learning, but instead I called her to come and meet me downstairs and I felt more comfortable. Though I have been using the breathing skills and I do find them helpful, but haven’t mastered to use them once a panic attack has set in, only to help prevent the onset.
I have finally finished sorting all the photos, 45 years of pics in one week it was a bit of a emotional roller-coaster ride, but it was also a huge overview of the great life I have had.
We forget about so many of the marvellous moments we have and sometimes only focus on negative, so from today I am going to try very hard to focus on the best of each day.
I applied for a heap of jobs online last night when I couldn’t sleep. It was mainly for a practice run and to see how employers take on that someone has stayed at home for a year, of course I didn’t specify why. Will wait and see if I get any replies. I do need to try to get a part time job, I have lived on Centrelink payments for a year now, and I am tired of being so broke all the time.
It’s hectic Monday again tomorrow. visit the psych and then onto the GROW meeting, then I have to pick up Chloe from work.
Thanks for your comment on the previous post T, I totally agree, there isn’t enough understanding or knowledge on mental health issues and that is part of the reason I am doing this blog, to hopefully help and/or educate others through my journey.

3 Responses to “Mothers Day”

Robert on May 15th, 2007 9:57 am

Hi Ruby -
You’re right about the importance of focussing on the good things in your life. Here’s a suggestion you may find helpful (I got this from a NLP guru and I found it useful)…
Get a pack of fluorescent card stars (or make your own). Attach one to a wall in each of the rooms in your home. Each time you see one, recall a happy time in your life and smile. After a while, you will have trained your head to do this regularly and you don’t need the stars any more.
Robert
Ruby on May 15th, 2007 3:21 pm

Hi Robert
That is great idea, we spend so much time focusing on the negatives and not nearly enough on the positives.
Please explain what NLP is, I have not heard of that before?
Ruby
KonstantinMiller on July 7th, 2009 9:33 am

I have been looking looking around for this kind of information. Will you post some more in future? I’ll be grateful if you will.

Sleeping and Childhood Beliefs

2007-05-10T23:55:00.003+08:00

Last week I had 3 nights of sleeping on time, instead of my time which is a night owl, and I thought I was getting on track. but this week it has been slipping a bit where I’m not going to sleep until around 1 or 2 and then sleeping in to between 10-12. I am really disappointed.

When I try to sleep earlier I stress so much that I can’t even relax, I try to do relaxation exercises but I’m too wound up, tonight I’m going to try the relaxation exercises before I get stressed and hopefully that will work.
I have been reading more of the GROW work book and it is very confronting and challenging, it is like someone is looking in on the thoughts I have daily, it is quite scary. I believe that if it is challenging then its something I have to work on as the thoughts are obviously maladjusted, so I am in on for long ride I think, and I am looking forward to the end result.
On Monday the psych had talked about skills learnt as a child that were beneficial at the time, but as an adult they are not very positive like stay away from strangers is a must as a child but an adult cannot function in daily life with that belief. I can see that clearer now after reading what I have, as a child I took on beliefs of my mother’s like ‘what will people think’ and they have now taken off even further that I am scared to go out in case I fail publicly in some way. Another one was to avoid the emotional abuse which set of my avoidance behaviour for anything that wasn’t pleasant. At least now I know what beliefs to focus on changing in the long term.

5 Responses to “Sleeping and Childhood Beliefs”

Robert on May 11th, 2007 11:22 am

It’s really hard to find blogs from folk with agoraphobia, and I shall follow your experiences with interest…and of course, I shall be hoping that your road to recovery continues.
I don’t have agoraphobia myself, but my wife does. I started a blog to get things out of my system - just to be able to tell ANYONE what life is like. You can visit my blog at http://mywifehasagoraphobia.blogspot.com/
and if you do, please let me have your thoughts/opinions. It’s very much a work in progress. Good luck Ruby, I’ll be back to see how you’re getting on.
Robert
Ruby on May 11th, 2007 12:27 pm

Hi Robert
Please give my regards to Marie. It is a very difficult illness and I believe that it is much harder for family members to deal with as they can’t feel what we are feeling or understand what builds the fears we live with.
My illness ended my marriage in divorce, it’s great to hear you are trying to learn as much as you can and support her.
Personally so far I have found that CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) to work best, as it breaks down the irrational thoughts.
Your blog looks great I will also look in and see how she is going.
Ruby
Robert on May 12th, 2007 5:36 am

Hi Ruby -
Thanks for looking in on my blog. I’ll eventually bring it up to date, so you’ll be able to see what avenues Marie explored to get rid of her agoraphobia.
It can be difficult to live with Marie’s condition - it’s the 3rd person in our relationship - but she’s still the best thing that ever happened to me!
BTW, do you know of any other agoraphobia blogs? I looked up some blogs with agoraphobia in the title, but they had absolutely nothing to do with agoraphobia.
Anyhow, I don’t know if it is of any help to you, but Marie & I know a little of what you’re going through and we’re 100% behind you in your efforts to free yourself from it. Feel free to email us at any time.
Regards
Robert
Ruby on May 12th, 2007 11:29 am

Thanks Robert
I think I found the same agoraphobia blogs as you….lol….that have nothing to do with agoraphobia at all. I haven’t found any real ones yet.
Thank you both for your support, it’s nice to share the trials and tribulations.
I’ll look forward to seeing what else Marie has tried.
Ruby
teresa on May 13th, 2007 4:44 pm

well good on you, I think its fantastic that you have tools like this so you can still intereact with people, with this disease or not, and so still continue learning about others and yourself. And so others can learn from your expereince too and maybe make people learn more empathy for conditions that we dont understand from first hand experience. It’ just a shame there are so many obsticles out there for us humans and so many that we have with in ourselves. Head up, chin up, walk tall and walk proud.
Bye for now,T

Changing Medication

2007-04-27T23:52:00.001+08:00

Wow, how time flies when changing medication and going through some withdrawals, can’t believe it’s Friday already.
Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty much wasted days dealing with some withdrawals with funny brain feelings and a bit wobbly on my feet. I have tried explaining the ‘brain feeling’ to family, but it just makes them really confused. I am sure there is a technical term for it, but what it feels like for me is that someone is rubbing a dry sponge over my brain…..not a comforting feeling I can tell you. But I am looking forward to this medication working and lifting the black cloud and anxiety that has been there for way too long now.
Rory hasn’t noticed anything different as he is in his own teenage world of friends, parties and MySpace, which has saved me explaining the ’sponge’ he has had friends around Wed, Thur and this afternoon, but is staying out for the night tonight so that has been nice not too listen to their music though I do enjoy joining in some of their conversations from time to time when I am not feeling too anxious to go and join them. Rory has told them about my agoraphobia in his own understanding so at least they don’t just think I’m rude…lol.
I have started to read through the GROW handbook and there are a lot of confronting things in there, which I take to mean that they are things that need to be worked on. It looks like a good program and I’m looking forward to my second class on Monday.
Chloe is back in town for work for a month so she has taken back her car that I have been using for my major outings of driving 1km twice a week to check my PO Box and to attend my appointments on a Monday. I will still be able to use the car on Mondays which is a blessing as I can’t venture out anywhere without a car. This is the time that I should be seeing as a blessing in disguise and start trying to walk up to the shops, but that is a really scary thought and don’t know if that will be achievable yet, I really want to try, but after a year of not leaving the house…….. I can’t even walk out the front of my townhouse block to get my mail or bring the bins in without freezing at the door. I get Rory to bring in the bins and I check the mail when I am driving out. Maybe my need for regular chocolate fixes will force me up to the shops.
I made a dog kennel today from scratch, that was fun, and didn’t turn out anywhere near what I had planned, but now my Shitzu X will have somewhere dry to sit when she wants to look around at the world in bad weather.

Medication and GROW

2007-04-24T23:50:00.001+08:00

Monday was the busiest day I have had in months.
Late Sunday I learnt about a mental health group called GROW so I wanted to check them out on Monday they support sufferers, family and friends with any mental health issues.
Monday morning I went to see my psych and as I knew, she was disappointed in the lack of motivation from the week before, so no news there, but we started talking about cognitive therapy and we will get into that some more next week and start keeping a daily sheet that. The theory is that if I record the thoughts that are causing my negative thinking which starts a panic attack then I will be able to negate those thoughts and change them with positive ones.
Then I went to see a psychiatrist at the same centre regarding my medication. Thankfully he changed my medication and as I had already been lowering my dosage for the past few months I was able to start the new tablets today. So now I have changed from Effexor to Esipram 10mg at 1 per day so hopefully in a couple of weeks I will find some long awaited relief. This is medication that treats anxiety that causes depression, not the other way around which was what the other medication was for.
I called GROW and found out that my local group was meeting in 1/2 and hour so while I was on the road I went along. I’m very glad that I did, they work on a 12 step program that work towards healing mental health issues. The meeting was very constructive and the literature a bit confronting (which I thought a great thing). I bought 2 of the available 3 books that they work from and am in the process of reading through them. I am writing down the confronting bits as they are obviously the bits I need to work on most……its a bit scary lol, but I’m motivated. The group meets weekly and you can attend as long as you need/want to and they have been established for 50 years so at least they wont be gone in a couple of months when the funding runs out. They were also very laid back and enjoyed lots of laughs and we had coffee and bikkies afterwards.
I was very emotionally exhausted today after my big day yesterday so I didn’t get much done today and the agoraphobia feelings were a lot stronger. Rory has gone out for the night with tomorrow being a public holiday, ANZAC Day, so I am enjoying having a night to myself without his ‘teenage’ music for the first time in a few months , as his friends normally spend the weekends here.

Sunday Night

2007-04-22T23:48:00.001+08:00

It’s been a pretty hectic weekend….well for me anyway. Rory had two friends over and since they are in their late teens you can imagine it, I even managed to drag myself out of my bedroom and speak to them quite a bit while they were here, it was pretty hard but I made myself do it so Rory doesn’t have them to tell them

that I am unsociable. I’m pretty proud of the effort I made, and the world didn’t even come crashing down around me…..rather amazing really.
I have been practising my breathing exercises to help slow my breathing down. I don’t know if it is slowing down all the time, but it is definitely making me aware of how I breath and to slow it when I think of it and it helps my anxiety and panic attacks.
I am seeing my psych tomorrow and its going to be embarrassing to have to tell her ….yet again… that I haven’t made it out the front door this week, I just find it all so overwhelming. I’ve thought about it a lot but I don’t think that counts…..unfortunately.
After my appointment with her I am seeing their psychiatrist to hopefully get my happy pills changed to some happier ones…..stay tuned.

Finding a New Doctor

2007-04-20T22:36:00.001+08:00

After getting up the gumption to find a new doctor, I finally had an appointment today. After being told I have to wait an hour…..yea right….I explained my circumstances with agoraphobia and anxiety and was told to wait outside and she would listen out for my name. So out I went, after 1/2 an hour, I luckily heard my name called while the door was open, (I’m glad she followed through ) I explained to the doctor that I was after a new Dr….his response was that it may not be that easy as they are a very busy practice, I held back on walking out….he wasn’t too bad but did not really take a proper history as I suppose he had to keep within his 10 minute to make his money. But I now have a new doctor where I have to wait up to an hour to see him and he doesn’t really want to get to the bottom of things…what is this world coming to?????
He did say that I had to start exercising though, the words I have been dreading, and to take a good vitamin B.
I have around 10 exercise DVD’s that I bought in the hope that they may inspire me, but they are still sitting in the TV cabinet, and my exercise ball is used at the computer, so stay tuned….

Life in a Nutshell

2007-04-20T01:28:00.001+08:00

Looking back I believe I have had depression since I was about 10 years old. I grew up in a home with sexual, emotional and alcohol abuse and violence. I also lost touch with my brother about 20 years ago, whom I had been really close to and I very much miss the relationship I had with him. I don’t blame my past for my mental health issues, but sometimes it’s very easy to fall into the blame game, but my positiveness and understanding that people can only work with what they know, right or wrong, wins out after a short time. It brings back the age old question of nature or nurture though.

I was running away from home from the age of 12 to get away from home life, the authorities charged me with being an ‘uncontrollable child’ instead of looking into the reasons why and made me a ward of the state until I was 16, which meant some short stints in juvenile detention when I ran away. I was never a bad child, just wanted to be loved and feel safe, otherwise I’m sure I would’ve fallen into the life of crime that most other children in the detention centre, and living on the streets were into.

I was never able to keep friends they just came fleeting in and out of my life as I had never learnt how to nurture friendships and this is something I still have problems with to this day.

The years until the late eighties was coping the best I could and trying not to allow my past making me into a person I didn’t want to be. I was running (from myself) for most of these years and learning how to bury all my emotions the best I could, I drank and used marijuana from 18 on as it buried my inhibitions of being very shy and made me feel happy (for a time anyway). I always held a job but never did the things I wanted to do as I didn’t have enough confidence in myself to move forward. I had no trust in men in general as I thought they were all sexually sick, this I worked through over 10 years, but I still believe, that due to man’s sexual make-up, some of them cause children and women a lot emotional dis-ease and sometimes physical abuse.

Things got really bad in 1988 (just as I fell pregnant with my second child) when I had my first major panic attack, which over a couple of weeks lead to regular severe panic attacks, depression and avoidance behaviour as well as being suicidal on several occasions. (I never acted out on these thoughts but it was on my mind constantly, the only thing that stopped me acting these out was how much my children would hate me for doing it and leaving them).

I didn’t realise the long-term consequences of avoiding stressful places and it was not explained to me by medical professionals who just gave me tranquillisers and anti depressants. I was just surviving the best way I could at the time, using avoidance behaviour which set the path to where I am now. At this time mental health was not on the social agenda, so there was not a lot of support around and hard to find good advice, medical staff treated you like you were seeking attention and just needed to ‘pull your socks up’, so socially you were trained to keep a stiff upper lip. I have always made a point of talking about my life with mental health issues to hopefully make more people aware of the issues that people with mental health problems face, and by writing this blog hoping that I can help even one person feel good about themselves and demand the support they need to be mentally healthy.

Getting diagnosed properly took about 10 years partly because GP’s were not well educated in this area and they only followed what was the latest medication on the market and they did not listen to what their patients were telling them, they just assumed they knew. All the doctors I saw treated me for depression causing anxiety and I gave up trying to tell them that it was actually the other way around. I took whatever the doctors subscribed me as it seemed to be a small help, but it did not help the depression or the anxiety, I finally accepted that I would always be this way as there obviously was no help out there for me. I did find and use relaxation and meditation tapes to help me reduce the stress as well as a government psychologist who let me come in and talk for an hour and a half every fortnight and stressed the use of the relaxation tapes.

I lived an ok life but was still dealing with the anxiety and depression and I never felt happy with where my life had taken me or what the rest of my life would be. I had moved to a small regional town where I managed to do most things as there wasn’t many things to do, but still avoided the one large shopping centre if no one was with me and limited social activities to where there was only one or two people.

I did everything I had to for the children like their assemblies and other school events, but always made an excuse not to go to children’s birthdays parties and only dropped them off and picked them up. It wasn’t till they were older that my daughter started realising that she was missing out on things, my son never really realised anything until I told him about it just a few years ago.

In the late nineties I got divorced and moved to another regional town and hit rock bottom, again becoming suicidal, then in 1999 a doctor said what I had known all along, and gave me medication to treat anxiety that caused depression… and it worked like a miracle!! Now that I was finally feeling human again I went to college and got my diploma in the welfare field as well as working part time in the field throughout my studies, something I had only dreamed of doing and completing, and then worked in the field for a further 4 years full time. I even took part in lots of social events (well….lots for me, being a hermit at the best of times) but there were still some things I did not do because the fear of panic attacks got the better of me. But I justified it in my own head that I had come leaps and bounds compared to what I could ever have hoped for and I could cope with those few things, so I never learnt how to recover from the anxiety, panic attacks or avoidance.

My daughter had moved away in 2001 and my son left in 2002, they had been a great support to me (even without them knowing it), now I had to depend on myself…which didn’t work so well, as well as dealing with the “empty nest” feelings. I started avoiding more and more places but still managed to keep working and a semblance of a social life, I tried to be the person I had become in the past 5 years, but I wasn’t able to sustain it. I pretended well at work, but once I got home I was a unhappy person, I believed that “fake it till you make it” would help me through….it didn’t work.

I moved to the city to get better job prospects in 2004 and did a total turn in my career and took up my hobby of computers as a career and really enjoyed it. But two years down the track I started menopause, which in turn kicked off my panic attacks again (well, that’s what I believe,) I think that some of the symptoms, before I realised menopause had started, were similar to panic attacks so I obviously just took the obvious choice….panic attacks and retrained myself back into a solitude life in my house and 8 months later was a total housebound agoraphobic.

Since moving to the city I hadn’t really made any close friends, just some acquaintances that gave me room to get well once I went down hill, which wasn’t what I needed, but would probably have done same in their place. So I was alone, but I have always enjoyed my own company so the loneliness was never really an issue, but it would’ve been nice to have some human contact from time to time or someone to drag me of the house occasionally if even for a short drive, it did not help matters any by not calling anyone either.

A great friend who lived out of the city came up for a weekend and made me drive twice daily, and she wouldn’t take no for an answer, as much as I hated her at the time she was a godsend because at least she got me to be able to drive short distances which over a few months grew to around 5km. At first I made myself go out twice a week where I drove around the neighbourhood until the anxiety got too high then came home and extended my drive by one street each week till I got to the 5km mark.

My daughter Chloe lives about 2300km away in a remote area and would get me to do things for her that she didn’t have access to occasionally, I knew she was asking me mainly to get me out but I didn’t like to let her down, so I did them, at times calling her to talk me through the really rough times. She also comes home a couple of times a year which is a great support and I went with her to some places. Lately she has been coming home regularly for her work and I have gone to lunch with her a few times and she is getting transferred back to the city in a few months.

My son Rory moved back home Christmas 2006 and I was really looking forward to the company and having him back home. With the way I was feeling I found having a teenage boy very stressful at first and we both had lots of readjusting to do, but I think we have a routine going now.
When he first got here I drove him to his interviews and appointments, at first it was very difficult driving out of the neighbourhood but each time it got a bit easier. He then needed to get dropped of at places which totally scared me, because I had to drive home alone, but I managed that as well after a while. He is now working 10km away which he rides everyday, but I pick him occasionally if needed. I am looking forward to him getting his own car so I don’t have to be his taxi driver though I know it was a blessing in disguise that he didn’t have one, to make me get out of the house.

My city doctor was next to useless when it came to ‘real’ problems and I was in no state to find a new one, and again I was wrongly medicated against all my attempted arguments (I really didn’t have the energy to argue) of what I new of my condition and history. After 6 months on the waiting list I am finally seeing a government psychologist and have an appointment with a psychiatrist to evaluate my medication.

I have finally changed doctors, well pushed to actually, as he kicked me out of his office for asking question regarding my gallstones, he said only doctors understood (I told you he was useless!) So I now see a great doctor who is keen to help me

I don’t want to only tell of my darkest times but would also like to share my most precious moments:

Childhood times with my brother
Two beautiful sisters coming into this world, and teaching me unconditional love
My two children being born, and bringing joy and laughter (and challenges…) with them and I feel privileged to love and support them through their journey of life
Meeting (and more importantly - keeping) my only life long friend who I have shared the best and the worst in life with.
My paternal father who visited from overseas that I had not seen since I was 6 months old, it was great to finally know where I fitted in and where some of my traits came from that no one else in my family had, it was the most wonderful few weeks
The special long-term friendships I have made throughout the years
Meeting/getting back in touch with relations that I had not seen/spoken to, since I came to Australia and having that wonderful thing – the extended family – that so many immigrants and their children do not experience.

Thank you, to all of you that have given me these precious moments.

Ruby